Headaches, depersonalization, and anxiety, 10 days after doing MDMA - please help!

[Oblamov]

Hi everybody - I'm in a bit of a pickle and would appreciate some advice.

I am a male in my mid-30s, generally healthy. Fifteen years ago, while in college, I did three pills of MDMA over the course of an evening, and woke up the next morning feeling absolutely terrible. The feeling persisted beyond the normal "recovery period", however, and for months to come I was plagued by severe headaches, depression, anxiety, fatigue, and - worst of all - a persistent feeling of "derealization", as if I was floating outside of my own body. It was the worst time of my life and put me in a near-suicidal state. It finally passed, but only very, veeeery slowly.

Fast forward to the present. The weekend before last, in an ill-considered moment, I took MDMA again. It was a loose powder so I don't know how much it was - I'd estimate probably a dose and a half - and it was definitely not pure, it feels like it was adulterated. The trip itself was deeply unpleasant and anxiety-producing, not fun in the least. I figured - or hoped - that that would be that, I'd feel lousy for a few days, then I'd move on, learn from my mistakes (meaning never doing this stuff again!) and move on.

But - perhaps to nobody's surprise - I'm experiencing these terrible symptoms all over again. A constant headache on the right side of my head (it almost feels as if the skin is stretched tight), strong feelings of derealization/depersonalization, fatigue, weird body chills, and A-N-X-I-E-T-Y.

Aside from the fact that I'm already furious at myself for doing something so stupid as to try MDMA again after my previous experience, I'm also terrified about having to go through this whole experience again. I would welcome everybody's advice as to both 1) what the core problem may be, and 2) how I can best expedite the recovery process. I know the obvious stuff - eat well, drink lots of water, stay away from drugs and alcohol of any kind. I'd exercise, too, but aside from the fact that I suddenly have very bad social anxiety, I'm also worried about exacerbating the headache.

Anything else, though? Has anybody experienced these sort of long-lasting symptoms, and what did you do to alleviate it?

I feel really scared, and while I'm not looking for false hope, if any of you have words of advice or wisdom, I would be deeply grateful for them right now. I don't know if I can handle going through this whole process again.

 

[Oblamov]

I'll add a few brief notes here that might help to help clarify my situation:

* I have been taking 30mg Cymbalta for the past six or seven years, for low-level depression (certainly nothing of the magnitude of what I'm experiencing right now)
* In addition to the symptoms I've described above, I also find that I am constantly thirsty and have lost my appetite (not to mention my libido). I'm trying to eat healthy but it is a matter of forcing myself to eat healthy foods as opposed to doing so out of hunger.
* The headaches are strange as they are almost exclusively on the right side of my head, directly above and behind my right ear.

I'm really panicking here and would be so very grateful for any advice or words of encouragement. Thanks!

 

[HPPDOFF]

Hi oblamov,

sucks that you are going through this man, I really do feel for you and I'm sure that others on here effected my this nasty drug are too. I'll explain to you my horrible MDMA experience in a hope that it will help you. I took 300mg MDMA a few months ago, it left me with earth shattering anxiety and heavy depression.

I know for a fact I suffered from heavy depersonalisation, everything looked off, I didn't feel like I was in my own home sometimes. This is still present but it has lessened some what, defiantly manageable as of now.

Anxiety was out of control, this is still present but again has lessened, has some impact on my life but no where near as much. At the beginning I'd have all of these racy thoughts, like worry of a heart attack, going blind, having major panic attacks, these have all gone.

Depression on was so bad, i lost all interest in absolutely everything, music, TV, hobbies, I felt dead inside, I finally felt true depression.

The good news is that the depression is down a lot now, it's still there at around 40% but I consider that progress made as it was around 95%.

I had crippling headaches that lasted for months, I had to take 6 co codamils a day for weeks. My headaches have almost gone, in fact they no longer bother me.
I too completely lost my appetite, I in fact dredded eating. Now around 3 months later my appitite is completely back!

From my my experience you should be 100% fine in around 3 months, even less. Just keep doing the things you love, and time will heal everything. If you're really struggling take some benzos, they worked wonders for me.

But honesty never take MDMA ever again, it's just not worth it, for people like us it's the same as playing Russian roulette, especially for people with a tendency to anxiety and depression, really don't understand the love for this drug. People should warn others about the physiologic effects drugs like MDMA can have on people.

 

[Oblamov]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, Hppdoff. It really means a lot to hear that someone else has gone through a similar experience. It's such a weird and disorienting and anxiety-causing feeling, and one of the worst things about it is that it is so rare that it is hard to explain to friends or family. Unlike when I dealt with this last time around and kept it a secret from everyone around me, this time around I have at least confided in my close friends and family. I figure that with all the awfulness of dealing with this horrible situation in the first place, there's no point in adding to the anxiety by trying to act like everything is alright and keeping it a secret from everyone around me. Still, it feels so weird being out in public - my social anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF (I'm normally quite the social person!) because it feels like there is something "wrong" with me that sets me apart from everybody else.

I can live with the headaches (although they are pretty terrible), but the brain fog, depersonalization and anxiety are absolutely crushing. This is the type of thing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. No appetite, no libido, just constant rolling waves of panic.

I'm so glad to hear that you made it through your situation in one piece. If you have any tips as to how I can best survive the coming days and weeks, I'm all ears, because right now my life feels very hour-to-hour. Going to bed is my favorite part of the day right now because at least it means I can escape my problems for a few hours while I sleep... and for someone who really took joy in life as recently as two weeks ago, this is a terrible way to live. I'm really struggling

 

[HPPDOFF]

With regards to advice, acceptance is your best bet, accept the situation you are in and deal with it however you can on a day to day basis. My example is, I've accepted that I can no longer party hard with my friends, I've quit alcohol completey, so soon as I accepted that I can no longer drink, I've realised the benifits that it will bring in the long term and short term, I'm even going out for NYE sober for the first time.

Do things you enjoy doing, for me, exercise is the best thing you will ever do, trust me on this one. Get aGym membership asap, you'll feel so much better after a month. At first my derealisation went though the roof during gym sessions, but after a month or so I think it has got much better.

if your anxiety is really bad, like mine was and to a much lesser extent, still is, get a prescription, like benzos for example. Honestly two months on a low dose saved my life. Honestly. Before benzos I had to sleep in the same room as my mother, I'm 22 Btw and before this happened I've lived away from my parents for going 3 years! I couldn't eat either, Benzos helped me to eat.

1. No your limitations, accept that you are different now, one day you'll get better, but until then day to day living.
2. Exercise 3-4 times a week, by this I mean push yourself.
3. Benzodiazepines for a few months, it will help you no end. Low dose of course. I started on 4mg a day.

hope this helps

 

[ADubbs]

Great advice HPPDOFF... What type of benzo? Did you take it every day?

 

[HPPDOFF]

I took 4mg diazepam for around 1.5 months every day. Then slowly tappered it off to 2mg a day, then 1mg a day until I eventually stopped. They are a god send.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I took 4mg diazepam for around 1.5 months every day. Then slowly tappered it off to 2mg a day, then 1mg a day until I eventually stopped. They are a god send.

I'm glad you found relief for your anxiety.

Based on the amount of diazepam you used -- your anxiety was actually quite mild. (I'm sure it felt very bad to you)

For moderate to severe anxiety, the dosage is commonly 5-10 mg diazepam THREE TIMES PER DAY

Or 1mg alprazolam (xanax) 2-3 times a day, which is equivalent to 10-20 mg diazepam per mg

To counter the anxiety from alcohol withdrawal after a decade of heavy drinking, my diazepam was 15mg 3 times a day plus 1 mg clonazepam per day

It took 2 years for my HPA axis to re-regulate

It took a year to taper off the benzos

 

[HPPDOFF]

Yeah my anxiety after a while stemmed from what has happened to me. Basically when I woke up after taking MDMA, I noticed that everything was completely different, my eyes and head were in so much pain, and still are. I can't look around my surroundings anymore, my vision skips all the time, nothing is smooth. It just comes out as a load of photos piled up together. It's like my eyes and brain are out of sync, it makes me extremely dizzy. The I experienced heavy visual snow, after images of everything, ghosting images of everything, halos starburst, you name it. So I got every sick with worry, which stopped me from doing everything. I mean everything. Eating sleeping, socialising, IBS. All of these problems are still present. The worst thing is, I had no intention of taking any drug, I went to one rave against my better judgement, a split second decision, I didn't even enjoy it, it was shit quite frankly, I'm a country boy. My quality of life has been extreamly damaged.

 

[kam555]

hi, i am in the exact same state as you right now and i am freaking out. I took 4 pills of what i was told MDMA and i am so lost as to what to do. My anxiety is through the roof and i feel so weird, its very hard to explain the feeling. I completely agree with you that going to bed is the best part of the day and i wake up every morning hoping that i feel better. Mine has been going for 5 days now and just hoping it goes away soon!! would love someone to talk to you about this!!