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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Scared Have i brainwashed myself or been brainwashed

AutoTripper said:
Still reading. Sorry, very slow atm. I just drifted in bliss then snapped to.

Have you tried kava? Not cheapy capsules and avoid extracts- I mean, essentially properly prepared Noble kava from a high rated vendor, or simply Instant kava, good and ready to go.

In particular, kava is an axiolytic. It’s very calming and sociable like alcohol, but clear headed, no irritable, misunderstanding, getting in fights aspect lol.

But for me personally Kava works very well as an antidepressant.

It’s entirely non physically addictive too, unlike the more sinister Kratom, zero withdrawals from kava.
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I'm listening.
 
Navoc said:
I'm listening.
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It’s good stuff. Kava is being proven to have broad range powerful medicinal properties. It isn’t just a...drug....that ideally, you shouldn’t take.

It’s a true medicine, for The body the soul and the consciousness.

Look into it. Little research. Lots info out there. There is Kavaforums as well.
 
Man @Zephyn, this post really spoke to me and I feel very similarly in a lot of ways. It's difficult to go through, and all I can really say is that keeping family and friends close is important. It get's lonely when you're chasing the dark horse through oblivion. As others said, laughter is key. I'm sorry I don't have more to say, depression has managed to fuck up so many things in my life and my brain is getting tired. Still rollin though. Stay strong buddy.
 
Im seriously confused though. I didn't used to be like this. It doesn't seem situational, as my situation is rapidly improving and anyone else would be feeling hopeful and confident. Definitely seems to be a neurological component if not entire cause. Its not PAWS as i was never dependent on anything, it could be damage from crack and meth binges,, or it could be from coming on and off of multiple psychiatric meds in a cycle, getting more difficult each time. Definitely had some dependency to those, but its been over a month or so. Or just reaction to compounded trauma and ptsd. If its just depression, or mostly, (which coupled with extreme anxiety is my main issue) Which im not sure how id just randomly develop in my later 20s. Thc I've also built a tolerance to again extremely quick after a long break. I feel like this old song ...


As for keeping family and friends close I have less than a handful of people I keep in contact with and rarely as due to all my and their travel and relocating most my remaining close relationships live thousands of miles apart. That on top of im recently in a new city I've never been during a pandemic. And there's no festivals or live music. And I hear the scene here sucked anyway so I might have to start it, but anyway, got family about an hour away I see weekly, so at least there is that. At the same time one old friend and potential romantic interest, first in years wants to talk, and im nowhere healthy enough for that. Blegh.

I've got some nootropics recently and haven't started yet, waiting to start this new job, and both of that might help. Also waiting on my K connect to come through hopefully next week
 
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One main question here is the 12 step model of abstinence a faster rate for achieving healing or can i use these things to cope? My dosing strategy used to work but I've been dealing with a lot of crashes and hangovers from drugs which previously provided none. And my sudden taste for alcohol, I think AA might have planted it in my head lol I NEVER drank and now only 2 times a week or so as a last resort.
 
Zephyn said:
One main question here is the 12 step model of abstinence a faster rate for achieving healing or can i use these things to cope? My dosing strategy used to work but I've been dealing with a lot of crashes and hangovers from drugs which previously provided none. And my sudden taste for alcohol, I think AA might have planted it in my head lol I NEVER drank and now only 2 times a week or so as a last resort
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I'm not necessarily "qualified" to properly give you a truly informed answer.
My mind personally works well with comprehensive philosophies, self-awareness (which you should be proud of yours) , and overall lifestyle decisions ( think drinking water instead of a soda)

I'm in my late 20's and some of the ways I used to use to cope with various drug related experiences and life in general just don't deliver much positive value anymore to me either.

So i'll leave you with what I have before I pass out in about 30 seconds...

When I find myself needing to take a step back to effectively determine the best course of action to move forward : I flush everything I have, finish off my beer supply and listen to this song.


Much love,

-Tweak
 
See they do though, I feel much better after that 3mg of Xanax actually. Not high, but much much better.
 
Zephyn said:
See they do though, I feel much better after that 3mg of Xanax actually. Not high, but much much better.
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There , refresh the thread and my post has the right song now lol sorry I'm about to crash for the night.

You can obviously interpret the message of the lyrics at face value, but I sometimes interpret them as saying that drugs used to work in a way that didn't interfere with other aspects of life for me.
I'm not a huge fan of just throwing one's whole drug stash out and committing to a full fledged rehab program when in some situations it's possible to make conscious adjustments with realistic levels of expectations for the results based on the level of adjustments made.

These adjustments aren't always drug related.
-Diet
-Physical Exercise
-Employment
-Social circle and corresponding activities
-Self reflection exercise
-Romantic Interests
-Masturbation patterns

Just to name a few life aspects off the top of my head I've seen minor and major adjustments across the board surprisingly add up relatively quickly to noticeable improvements in my well being.

Sounds cliche and a lot like therapeutic coping skills they teach us in rehab, but true practiced adjustments can make differences when I've coupled them with consciously adjusted drug use.
 
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Zephyn said:
One main question here is the 12 step model of abstinence a faster rate for achieving healing or can i use these things to cope? My dosing strategy used to work but I've been dealing with a lot of crashes and hangovers from drugs which previously provided none. And my sudden taste for alcohol, I think AA might have planted it in my head lol I NEVER drank and now only 2 times a week or so as a last resort.
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I have done a tonne of 12 step and for a long time now, too. I have found it very helpful, on several levels, in helping me achieve abstinence from alcohol and illicit drugs. In my adult life, I have been sober for a period of one year, then another of three years. Each time, my initial priority, or the thing I put first in my life, was AA. I went to meetings where I listened and eventually shared, and I did what the other alcoholics told me to do. This included going to a meeting every day, getting a sponsor, and "working the steps". In addition to helping me stay clean and sober, the program helped me to take a personal inventory of my values, realign those to be a better person, and cope with the day to day challenges we all face. Several times, I felt lucky to be an alcoholic, and felt pity for non-alcoholics who didn't get the benefits from a program of living that is second-to-none.

I have heard AA described as a cult. It absolutely is a cult. An incredibly benevolent one. If you want to know more, just ask me, I know the program back and forth.
 
AutoTripper said:
It’s good stuff. Kava is being proven to have broad range powerful medicinal properties. It isn’t just a...drug....that ideally, you shouldn’t take.

It’s a true medicine, for The body the soul and the consciousness.

Look into it. Little research. Lots info out there. There is Kavaforums as well.
Click to expand...
I've tried kava many years ago 10+ both from tea made at home and also at kava bars. Never noticed anything. Is it something you need to take for a while?
 
Zephyn said:
I've tried kava many years ago 10+ both from tea made at home and also at kava bars. Never noticed anything. Is it something you need to take for a while?
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It can be exactly that yes. Unlike the vast majority of psychoactive substances, many people experience a true reverse tolerance effect upon starting fresh with kava.

It can take some people 1 to 3 weeks daily drinking, until suddenly Bingo! Effects.

Not everybody experiences reverse tolerance. I didn’t. Kava worked fully from day one for me.

But there are people who I have introduced to Kava with guidance and direction. Some felt nothing, but continued in the hope of overcoming reverse tolerance, and from one moment getting nothing, suddenly they fell in love with kava and really noticed and enjoyed the effects.

It has, we believe, something to do in a way, with the physiological/functional status of our individual endocannbinoid systems. Which can take some priming, or modulating in cases.

There has also been proven to be some MAO activity with certain main kavalactones, and it can take a few weeks for modulation to take place there.

Sometimes people just have to stick with it, for up to 3 weeks max but on average much less, to overcome the reverse tolerance.

I have a good bit of experience with psychoactive substances, MDMA, Ketamine, LSD, Cannabis, alcohol, the rest. Kava is no light buzz at all to me. The effects are very pleasant and significant. I get just as wasted on kava at times as any other drug.

It goes especially well with vaporized cannabis for me too.
Needs to be consumed on an empty or mostly empty tummy for optimal effects, following afterwards with food, especially healthy fats, and even better warm food, goes a long way to potentiating the effects as well.

Kava must never be combined with alcohol. One or the other. That’s the only real golden rule.

Avoid kava extracts, they are toxically produced and contain different kavalactones than noble or instant kava which aren’t healthy.

And capsules, teabags etc, honestly don’t bother. You want either good quality Noble kava from a reputable vendor, many to choose from, or instant kava.

GHK kava offer the best Instants. They don’t ship to my country. Kava very strongly enhances the effects of LSD as well, but not in an anxiety inducing manner as cannabis can, more calming.

The best way to prepare the kava is using a blender with a teaspoon of sunflower lecithin. I blend 40 to 50 grams in 800 ml to 1 litre water, 4 minutes, before straining through a proper kava straining bag and fully squeezing out.

I use 75 micron kava strainers. Nut milk bags are used, or stockings, cheesecloth, but you don’t want too low micron, it’s essential to filter out a certain degree of a particular particulement (lol, a particular particulement), so either 75 micron Nut Milk bag or proper kava strainer.

I would try and offer a lot more general thoughts, as you have multiple overlapping mental, emotional, physiological, psychological, situational factors overlapping.

You are not alone, as others have said here, in your current desolation, dismay and unrest.

I would suggest not overthinking first of all. Have a little faith. Try and accept things. Not putting 2 and 2 together as if trying to solve a puzzle.

Everybody is psychic, except most people don’t realise it. We are all connected via consciousness. We are all spinning in a mess in a gigantic tumble dryer presently.

As a race, we are under heavy attack, from our own, possessed leaders, I know for certain I personally have been under spiritual attack for quite a while, many people are.

There really is an evil force trying to take us individually and collectively down in this world. Some call it the Devil. Many, and almost exclusively all Hollywood superstars, mega rich Public icons, celebrities, worship this source, on open air.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson...”Hail Satan”

Lady Gaga....”and I said, dear Lucifer...”

Truth in plain sight always. Odd things to say on live camera! Satanism is real. Evil is a real force. It seeks to clutch us all.

These are just basically extremely difficult, challenging, unendurable times right now for most people. The collective pain we all share, whether we are conscious of it or not.

I’m in appalling mental health plus physical myself. This past year has fucked me up. I spent 6 months having increasingly intense spiritual dreams/nightmares, permanently under assault.

Most days I feel I would truly rather not be alive. I haven’t given up. I hold hope that there may be a sunny exit to this grim Twighlight zone. I don’t feel as though it is really bad n my own hands, or to be taken into my own hands, it’s like a Tom Cruise movie (ANOTHER fucking Satanist I promise you- Tom Hanks, Morgan Freeman, the lot I swear), just clinging on to the car door hanging on it’s hinges racing down the highway, in the hope it will slow down, reach a service station, get grounded, and begin repair.

I just feel @Zephyn and not to patronise again, that by really dwelling on your despair, with pressure to fix it, is as big as the real problems themselves, as they say- What you focus on grows.
 
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