When I was in middle school, I asked my health teacher a question.
I asked "If we as humans weren't always looking forward to the next meal, looking forward to the next fun activity, looking forward to tomorrow, then what would we live for?"
I remember she paused and then said "Well, we'd basically have nothing to live for."
I was like 11 or 12 years old, and at the time we were in the middle of the D.A.R.E curriculum.
I asked "Aren't all these drugs something that people just look forward to? Aren't these drugs giving people a reason to live?"
I don't remember verbatim the rest of the debate that I purposely provoked after my health teacher didn't want to discuss or acknowledge that drug users were perhaps experiencing the human condition in an abnormal way, but not a criminal or immoral way. I distinctly remember calling her a criminal. I was a shithead, but I wanted answers and information.
This resulted in a trip to the school counselor, which resulted in a trip to the principal, which resulted in my parents coming to my school that afternoon, which ended in a drug test.
I had never done any kind of substance at this point in my life except for a small sip of wine at church every Sunday.
I didn't even know WHY what I was asking about was so wrong, my parents were more informative after the fact at home, I just could not comprehend the stigma or stereotype.
Not only that, but none of my educational figures in my teenage years wanted to conversate with me about HOW drugs turned a model citizen" into an addict.
Every example of drug addiction was taught using the message of how you'd end up like "This Person" if you ever used them.
Always a very real, but extreme example with no real comprehensive explanation other than "It's an addictive substance." No shit sherlock, but but but... didn't matter, don't ask just listen.
I ended up just kind of consciously letting it go until I was about 17 and began seeing therapists and psychiatrists to ask them these same questions, and ask them the most simple questions like "Why does weed feel so uplifting?" "Why does alcohol make me not give a fuck about your feelings?" "Why do my dad's pills make me not give a fuck about anything?"
Between 17 - 20 years old, I was collecting mental illness diagnoses like Pokemon.
Doctors would prescribe medications and I think my mistake was I would tell my doctors all these great things I felt while playing with different dosages, and they'd yank me off the medication or ween me off without actually paying attention to my own personal findings. No lecture about why adjusting doses unsupervised is dangerous, it just is and look at my degree you don't have.
I finally got fed up with my brain being toyed with and punished for being honest and just went to college at 20 and didn't look back, no longer expecting any kind of real help from a professional.
Now, in 2021, I've actually found a couple of different psychiatrists and therapists willing to have an adult conversation but I've yet to pick one that I can trust because I have a deep rooted fear that if I tell them the truth about how drugs they prescribe make me feel, they might take them away and I could be worse off than I am now. It's not fun having meds switched around.
I didn't mean to babble on for this long, but my point is I don't believe you've brainwashed yourself nor have you been brainwashed. Although I sometimes feel this way too.
Perhaps we've just kept to our own devices and made a few reversible mistakes along the way. I can't speak for you, but I know that anytime I've disclosed drug use/abuse to a doctor for the sake of bettering my understanding of my own mental health I get the usual referral to rehab and group therapy before I get a word in edge wise. (not knocking detox rehab)
Great idea doc, put me in a room with a bunch of other amateur neuroscientists and have us talk to each other about how drugs make us feel when practically none of us have any formal education about what the fuck we're even talking about. Confuse me further and make me feel stigmatized at the same time for seeking guidance you've dedicated your life to giving.
That's actually quiet similar to what I said to this psychiatrist I saw for the first time 2 weeks ago, and he ACTUALLY said I have a valid point and he is willing to work with me.
I empathize with how you feel
@Zephyn .
On one hand I feel resentful and obstinate towards the way doctors, police and teachers have repeatedly and purposely withheld knowledge because they feel the knowledge can be abused.
On the other hand I look at what I've done with what knowledge I have gained and ask myself if having this knowledge has helped me at all.
Then I look down at my feet and realize that the only way forward is one foot in front of the other with or without knowledge and drugs.
