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Sad Have I abandoned a friend when she needed me the most or avoided a mean evil drunk?

skipjames

skipjames

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2022
Messages
930
Hellos,
I dunno whether this is the right place to post this but It s an issue that is fucking with my mind big time so maybe it is . Also. I m sure that many here have lived similar situations sp you ll give good feedback.
This friend of mine has always liked her booze. and booze only. We ve been friends since we were 14 ( now we both are 41) , we ve always had each other back in our hometown, in London when we both were there , then we ve kept in touch ever since . But one year ago, the wine drinking classy friend of mine who always handled her drinks turned into a whisky fuelled mess, calls at the most inappropiate times, when I had the time to answer I had to face 4- 5 hours of drunk rants and insults, especially when I suggested that maybe she was drinking too much and maybe her troubles at Work and with her bf were also booze related.
My workload at the time was absurd, so were the quantities of blow I was doing , after several increasingly Crazy calls I realised that telling her to fuck off and stick that bottle up her arse was about to happen. I stopped talking to her instead.and we haven t talked ever since, just a couple of Whatsapp. She s better, had the sensr of leaving London with her bf , there s something that should be addressed, but how? Should I have taken more bemzos and be the punchball he needed ? Should I have tried to talk to her when she was sober? And who am i to talk about sobriety? 05:39 AM, 4 grams of blow só far but no questions....
 
Be firm but caring. Boundaries are healthy, especially when it evolves into her behavior effecting your own well being like this.

These days, when I've been drinking too much I am very cognizant of it. I try to avoid social contact precisely so I do not bother other people like that or make an ass of myself. But this was not always the case with me, and in the past it would have been good for me for someone to bluntly say I'm drinking too much and they are concerned.

You don't have to say a lot or make a big thing out of it.

"I am very concerned about how much you are drinking, I am always here to talk to you and I will always be there for you, but please do not call me while drunk at 3am." blah blah, something along those lines.

If she tries to call you a hypocrite, then that's her being in denial and manipulative. That's a cop out and trying to rationalize their alcoholism.

One takeaway from Alcoholics Anonymous is it's not your job to coddle or sugar coat things for them. That isn't going to help anyone, especially them. Not sure how other people feel about that, but alcoholism is a matter of life and death. The urgency of their situation should not be downplayed.
 
Back then it would have been the thing to do , I ve kinda made an half assed attempt at it ( didn t went well) but as you also know being calm is not that easy when u are coked out! I m Glad sje s better. With her bf doing what she loves ( yeachinh scuba diving ) rather than drinking herself into Oblivion trapped in London due to Brexit regulations. Now is more How and If deal with the resentment, who should " make amends" to who and why....
 
While you may feel like a hypocrite, telling someone to get sober while you're using, I don't see that to be the case. If you're doing coke, in your home by yourself, that's a you problem. By calling you drunk at odd hours and stressing you out, she's making a her problem, a you problem. If that makes sense.

It could be she's calling you subconsciously because she doesn't think anyone else will understand or put up with it. You may not want to lose her as a friend, and I totally understand that, but this could also be her reaching out for help, even if it's not a conscious act on her part. She might need someone to kinda break it to her. If she's being belligerent, all you gotta do is hang up the phone. Say your piece, be caring and thoughtful about it, don't be a dick, but definitely voice your concerns.

Alcohol can and absolutely will end someone's life prematurely, whether from the chronic physical effects or the decisions made while under the influence, it kills a lot. And especially someone of her age, if she's been drinking heavy that whole time, those effects are gonna start showing up sooner rather than later.

If you care for her, you will voice your concerns. As far as amends go, you certainly aren't obligated to make any, you've done nothing wrong but worry about a friend. Care about her from a distance if you have to, and hope and pray that she will seek help. Find resources in your area for her if you think she's open to getting treatment at some point.
 
Sounds to me like she's doing better now. Maybe y'all can reconnect. Back then, you just didn't want to hear her multiple-hour drunken rants. Coke or no coke, who wants that noise?

I'd just calmly explain to her that you don't handle that sort of thing well but that you'd be glad to talk when she's relatively sober and/or not on a vicious tirade.

It's not an unreasonable request.
 
skipjames said:
Hellos,
I dunno whether this is the right place to post this but It s an issue that is fucking with my mind big time so maybe it is . Also. I m sure that many here have lived similar situations sp you ll give good feedback.
This friend of mine has always liked her booze. and booze only. We ve been friends since we were 14 ( now we both are 41) , we ve always had each other back in our hometown, in London when we both were there , then we ve kept in touch ever since . But one year ago, the wine drinking classy friend of mine who always handled her drinks turned into a whisky fuelled mess, calls at the most inappropiate times, when I had the time to answer I had to face 4- 5 hours of drunk rants and insults, especially when I suggested that maybe she was drinking too much and maybe her troubles at Work and with her bf were also booze related.
My workload at the time was absurd, so were the quantities of blow I was doing , after several increasingly Crazy calls I realised that telling her to fuck off and stick that bottle up her arse was about to happen. I stopped talking to her instead.and we haven t talked ever since, just a couple of Whatsapp. She s better, had the sensr of leaving London with her bf , there s something that should be addressed, but how? Should I have taken more bemzos and be the punchball he needed ? Should I have tried to talk to her when she was sober? And who am i to talk about sobriety? 05:39 AM, 4 grams of blow só far but no questions....
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It's admirable that you have empathy for your friend who is struggling. But I will say from personal experience, as someone who struggled with major drug problems for ten years, is that sometimes it is best to cut off contact with people who put your own mental health in jeopardy. I have one friend who is currently struggling in a big way with opiates. When I visited him last, he was a completely different person as a result of this. He disclosed what he'd been going through afterwards, and I did my best to offer advice. He told me he was going cold turkey and a few days later he'd relapsed again. It's very sad, but I realized it was best not to be around him in order to safeguard my own health. Being around people struggling with addictions activates my past traumas, such as being thrown in the psych ward several times for drug abuse, among other things. So now, like you, I only communicate occasionally with this friend through whatsapp. Do not feel like you're doing something wrong for trying to minimize toxicity in your life.
 
skipjames said:
Back then it would have been the thing to do , I ve kinda made an half assed attempt at it ( didn t went well) but as you also know being calm is not that easy when u are coked out! I m Glad sje s better. With her bf doing what she loves ( yeachinh scuba diving ) rather than drinking herself into Oblivion trapped in London due to Brexit regulations. Now is more How and If deal with the resentment, who should " make amends" to who and why....
Click to expand...

Hope you all are able to patch it up! Hang in there Bro!
 
Dude, you've caught me in perhaps one of the best moments of my whole life.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a plane and actually moving to Canada. To be with the woman that I love.

I'm currently in NYC at one of my best friend's house, he has just cooked up a ton of lamb and he is a fantastic cook. Dude was in the kitchen the whole day. I'm going to have some Stella Artois with dinner. Everything is amazing.

Oh yeah, and Elysium by Lisa Gerard is playing on the radio right now! Everything is so great!
 
Anyway guys thanks a lot for listening and for your feedback, useful & appreciated. Her birthday is on April, I ll check on her by then. I wonder if all this aggressivity has always been there in a way, I don t buy the " drugs- booze made me do it" BS
 
gordonliddy said:
Dude, you've caught me in perhaps one of the best moments of my whole life.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a plane and actually moving to Canada. To be with the woman that I love.

I'm currently in NYC at one of my best friend's house, he has just cooked up a ton of lamb and he is a fantastic cook. Dude was in the kitchen the whole day. I'm going to have some Stella Artois with dinner. Everything is amazing.

Oh yeah, and Elysium by Lisa Gerard is playing on the radio right now! Everything is so great!
Click to expand...
Wow my man, that s great ! Divine Providence at her best! I ve been with my loved one for almost 10 years now, best thing that ever happened to me . In bocca al lupo!
 
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