The little bit of Xanax I had did not cause any dependence.
And to reply to your very last question... I didNOT yet quit. I came home from my travels to find high purity stuff. Stuff accessible through more than a few different sources. And much cheaper than the crap I was binging with abroad. I am really being tested here. Relapses are hard! After 9 years of no dependence except on smaller stuff like foods and anime and stuff like that, I am back with some powerful motivation towards the cola.
I only stop for 2 or 3 days max when my nose can't handle anymore. At this moment I am typing while very high off orally ingesting, which I had never thought possible in this way. Unfortunately high is accompanied fully with a feeling in my stomach that kind a feels like impending doom! Lke my stomach can start to give me major medical issues. I mean terrifying issues!
It is very difficult to say whether panic attacks scare me more or a stomach ulcer. I had an ulcer before from days of Modafinil. I was unable to even drink water. I literally.. as in not figuratively.. I mean literally using the word literally lost all awareness of time and just had space to to take up in panic and extremely sharp pain that feels like it is the core of your soul not just body. Stomach problems are in mine and many pplz opinion in a league of it's own among other body parts' when in distress...
On the other hand U have panic attacks. When they increase and start to come at times when you don't see any specific trigger. You can turn into a person losing their grip on their own personality and sometime even losing grip on basic autonomic function that even ppl in a coma have no issues controlling effortlessly.
Years ago, because of my binging using a stimulant whose name I won't mention, I went from having amazing, unbelievable fun, to insomnia (5 days and nights did not even sleep one literal second. This kind of sleeplessness of course usually leads to psychosis. Mine hit me like freight train. Anxiety was accompanying almost everything for most of my day. Social anxiety started to cause panic attack. Panic attack very quickly lead to me(9 out of ten time) not being able to look people in the eye) or speak to them any words except words that made me look either pathetic or pitiful( depending or a few factors). I spoke only as a cover, or to try and make way towards running away from that social interaction. Feeling like I needed to avoid the person I was interacting with with the motivation of me running for my life.
To keep a dark story short, things went downhill until I actually, and literally and absolutely without exaggeration was so confused about how people breath! Even when not panicking and even while I was alone wih no social pressure, I did not consciously or even worse, I did not deep in my behavioral habits understand how I need inhale and exhale in order to have normal human breathing happen automatically. Very often the second I was not making a conscious effort in inhaling and exhaling... I panicked and drew a blank and felt like I was having my limbs and my personality disappear bit by bit, very clearly in front of my eyes. All of that while feeling almost no hope of finding some direction in order to attempt fixing my situation. Breathing issues stayed with me for a couple of months. The longest lasting symptom/scar was my eyes not knowing where or how to look at the world ) through my daily interactions with ppl and even objects i was a confused mess. I would forget how to focus my eyes, except the kind of focus that you would see on an insane, very pity worthy and dramatically confused person.. I used to get frequent bouts where I panic and become engulfed in a struggle to grasp the mechanisms that relate to using my eyes. Not just focus and direction, but also I had an almost complete meltdown in my autonomic physical eye use when in social interactions. I would become in a panic over how my eyes should portray what I am feeling, or how eyes need to be to communicate my statements during dialogue with others.. Very often there was crippling confusion on how I should look with my eyes so that people around me can see in me some positive characteristic or other. As opposed to seeing my feelings of confusion that can lead to pity or lead to distance with others. These kinds of behavioral powerful issues were dominating my panic driven thoughts (on and off but regularly) for probably close to 3 or 4 YEARS! The situation became a little better towards the end. After making me carry fear and social/personal pain in my psyche for along an unfortunate period of my life.
I am now at this moment while typing the post, feeling a high and a distinct euphoria, a euphoria that carries pleasure almost fully lost on me because of anxiety from body issues (mainly stomach). An anxiety that intermittently dominates appears to fully dominate all other emotions.
I know my post and it's direction is contradictory.
This is because I have stuck myself somewhere bad of my own volition, and still feeling the need to salvage my self respect here a little, even if it is only done here in the forums by telling my whole truth in a way to show the scale of negativity around this type of drug use. I am doing this in hopes of another person finding in it deterrence, or some reason that would make them behave DIFFERENTLY than me. To be healthy and safe.
