True story. Got all four wisdom teeth taken out, and that HO of a dentist gave me EXTRA STRENGTH... drum roll please...wait for it...WAIT FOR IT... Ibuprofen. How very considerate of that wench to steal my teeth, only to leave me with a throbbing, bloody mouth. Truly a Grinch if I've ever seen one, except by the end of the procedure, neither of us were singing. Whatever, I've got dozens of 20mg Adderall IR next to my PC, each of which ARE singing "eat me, snort me, enjoy me, regret me later!"
Luckily, the Tooth Fairy observed this heinous crime committed by the dentist with disbelief, and came to my rescue with fair compensation (my wholesome, Korean gf with a sympathy blowjob). The irony? No teeth! :D
Kids, The moral of the story is; if you can't find your drugs, find some sex. If you can't find some sex, beat off. If you've got no hands, ask your sister to put some headphones on your head and blast some rock n' roll. If god decided to get drunk back in '<Insert birthyear Here>, accidentally pissed on your mother's pregnant belly, and you were born without ears?.... it's time to just fucking use the only two healthy limbs you've got, walk your ass to the nearest cluster of detergents, grip a bottle with your nubby arms (If you can't, ask your sister for help), and start chugging. Because without drugs, sex, and rock'n'roll? Life ain't worth livin. And if you believe in heaven? You're going to hell; you just fuckin forgot to repent and offed yourself, what a selfish POS... but it's ok. It's OK.
Everything will be ok, child. Because there's someone waiting for you with open arms. Only, both those arms have needles in it and he's currently passed out by the infamous "Lake of Fire" in a puddle of his own shit and piss. His name? Yep. You guessed it. Satan. This SOB is so shitty at his job that he's not even there to greet newcomers and potential members/prospects of the council of darkness? Smh. This is probably why the council is scrambling to hide the Narcan from Beelzebub and Jefferey Dahmer (Satan's right hand men, total fucking suck-ups); every time Satan wakes up from a binge, it's either one of them claiming, "Ohhh, ohhh! Satan! This time it was me! I brought the Narcan, lord. Oh master. I'M HERE FOR YOU SIRE, that's what TRUE servants are for!", while the rest of the council wants him dead. Yes, deader than dead, and sent back to heaven (he really is a good guy deep down, just irresponsible and misunderstood).
Satan welcomes you with open arms, this time no needles and his arms covered by an American Eagle hoodie, bought by your's truly. Yep, I died of an overdose while writing this, bearing gifts as a bribe for good standing with the council. Did you bring gifts? No? Satan looks at me...then you...then finally back to me and says, "You there! What is your name?". "I go by fowwest74 on reddit and most of my other internet accounts, and games and stuff, Sire. Oh lord all-mighty Satan, please have mercy on my soul!" Pretty scary shit because he just keeps staring at me until I get locked in some form of ritualistic hypnosis, where I get lost in an infinite plane of darkness for what seemed like an eternity. Just darkness. Everywhere. Not a speckle of light, not a sound to be heard except for the own thoughts in my head. How long has passed? Months? Years? Centuries? When isolated in complete darkness (or really any kind of physical sensation for a certain period of time), time ceases to exist. It's irrelevant. "SNAP!"
"You understand now child?" Satan asks. "Yes, oh ruler of the underworld, my mentor, my dragon of knowledge whom I will chase into the darkest crevices of existence to obtain thy wisdom. I understand what it is to be, and not to be." Satan goes on to say, "Then you will understand this...", and hands me a syringe, spoon, and bag of "brown sugar". I gather the courage to ask, "Satan, if you're the almighty ruler of the underworld, controller of demons and all that is evil, then why can't you afford the purity of 'white china'?" To this, our new ruler replies with a light heart, "This isn't heaven my good friend! Ahh, you're greediness is refreshing and certainly something to be desired by many of my followers. Yet another lost soul. Come now. You and I have plans to formulate for the future of my kingdom. I believe a fresh new set of eyes is exactly what the council has been lacking." He pats me on the back and dishevels my hair in a friendly manner. It's hot to the touch, but worth it. Of course he is someone to be feared. Compliance is not an choice; his hypnosis won't let me forget... but could this be the start of something beautiful? A new chapter to my life of highs and lows? Only time, continuous drug abuse, and ever-changing participation in meaningless sex, in hell, will tell.
I can see Jeffery Dahmer's jealousy starting to come out in the forms of whimpers and sweat, at which point he begins to devour the flesh off Beelzebub's face, screaming, "Now Beelzebub and I will become one! There's no way my lord can deny such a perfect concoction of ill-will! Certainly now I am able to fulfill his requirements for a trustworthy adviser; someone who treads through every footprint of his majesty, offering nothing but contribution to his well-being, and retribution to all that is holy!" As Jeffery is fixated on his meal, Satan urges me away from the Lake of Fire, and towards the unbearable heat of the fiery gates that lead to the outskirts of the capital. These flames were blue, and inflicted an encapsulating pain that no mortal could withstand without losing consciousness. I truly was in hell. But like any feeling, one eventually becomes desensitized, and I had all eternity to do so; worry was far from my mind. Only curiosity, screams of the damned, and the Devil were guiding me at this point.
Oh yah? I forgot about you? "AND YOU!!!" Satan roared as he spun 180 degrees, pointing his finger to where you use to stand. "Where did my new test subject go?!"
Child, you've been lucky and not so lucky in this life and the next. Word is down here, you were rushed by the paramedics to the nearest hospital. You're stomach was pumped just in time for resuscitation to be occur. You were pronounced dead over the course of 4 minutes, and have gone to hell and back. Unfortunately, not only do you have no drugs, no sex, no hands, no ears, and no taste for rock'n'roll. You're now hooked on permanent dialysis. It's up to you now. Will you stay and endure the pain of being a useless vegetable with the inability of achieving any sort of pleasure or happiness? Or will you give it another shot in hell? There's no repenting now. You've already been tainted by the toxicities ousted into hell's atmosphere by it's inhabitants and foreign plant-life. God really can be a dick sometimes, because whether it be today, or tomorrow, you and Satan will cross paths again. And when that happens, idk, just buy him something nice like I did and win his favor. Just not American Eagle (I'm wearing American Eagle jacket rn, it's gotten me through one cold, drug-induced trance of night, lol). That's copying He'll see right through that. Hopefully he was too hungover and crashing to remember your face by the time you return, and he'll give you a chance as a member of the council. I've absolutely no clue what he was planning to do with you, but "test subject" didn't sound too friendly. Anyways, I'm hungover and crashing rn too, so gn y'all, or gm either way.
Yours truly,
current Senior Councilor and Treasurer to the council of Hell and Satan's will
P.S. FUCK ORAL SURGEONS WHO PRESCRIBE IBUPROFEN FOR 4 BLOODY, WISDOM TEETH EXTRACTIONS!
