Hi guys . I am gonna be 39 in a few months . I am a 5'7" 135 pound male. I am so stressed and miserable at the moment and I have really no one to talk to or ask advice. I am hoping some of the veterans and knowledgeable fellow bluelighters here can help me with advice and give me opinions. I am well aware they are only opinions and not to be "absolute" medical advice. This is a long post , thanks in advance for any feed back .
Ok so I am a diagnosed hypochondriac, panic disorder, and OCD patient. Other then that , my last doctors visit ( full blood work) , physical, past EKG's all showed my doctor that my health is tip top condition. I don't drink at all , or smoke cigarettes or anything else.
I am prescribed klonopins. 1mg. (60)/month .
I am also a drug addict. Opiates my main DOC. My profession is a waiter , server , at one of the busiest, biggest Italian restaurant in my city . Summer is our busy period . I do 3-4 doubles a week . A double consists of a minimum of 12-14 hours a shift . I am new to the position, I was a bus boy there for a year , same hours , before becoming a waiter this past June. For those who know , being a server in a busy fast pace restaurant is very stressful.
Living situation. I currently live with my dad in a 2 bedroom condo. My step mom died this past January unexpected in her sleep. My dad wanted to down grade to a 1 bedroom. Well that's gonna finally take place Saturday. This Saturday the 9th of September. I am not going with him . I am waiting to see if there is a studio apartment for me to move into . The real estate company manager hasn't giving me a definite answer yet . Another stressor!! I was thinking as a backup, Craigslist renting a room from someone. I am from the northeast where everything is so dam expensive. I own very little . I have my car , paid for . I have a couch , dresser , 27" tv, a chaise lounge chair , and a queen sized box spring and mattress. No bed frame, it's just on the floor . And a small closet full of clothes. That's all!!
I can't open a checking account because I owe back child support!
Ok back to my drug use. Current usage. No need to start from the beginning. Look at my threads to get an idea . Anyway , I will get subs from a friend of a friend . I would NEVER take more then a half of a sub ,ever during the day. Usually I would only take about 1-2.5 mgs. Now I am almost 99% sure that my last dose of sub was on August 25th. Probably about a 2 mg piece of a strip . 10 days ago. However, during this time I have been using 30mg oxycodone hcl tablets . Probably around 4-5 a day. 90% of the time I snorted them. 10% of the time I swallowed them. I am assuming the subs are completely out of my system. Especially with my extremely fast metabolism.
Adderall...... well unfortunately I found a coworker with , an almost what seems to be , an endless supply. This person either has the peach 20mg ir tablets , or the 30 mg ex release capsules. I buy just what I will use for the day , which is usually 80-120mg's .
Here's an extremely important detail. One of my many many phobias that goes with the above mentioned mental issues I listed , is the fear of choking on food . This particular phobia developed in September of 2015 after I thought I was chocking on a chicken quesadilla. Since this phobia developed, my appetite has dropped EXTENSIVELY!!! I told my GP about this and he assured me there was nothing wrong with my swallowing mechanism. He wanted to put me on Zoloft. I asked for the liquid version. However, I never took it , I just take my k-pins . Chew them up and swallow.
I haven't been in an "in office visit" in like 5-6 months . I just call in my script of Benzo's and pick them up at the pharmacy.
Well as mentioned before, I don't drink or smoke cigs , weed , anything. But I am a little concerned with my health . Mostly physically, but mentally I am just getting soooo drained and stressed and depressed with an extremely higher sensitivity towards anxiety and coworkers "possibly" talking about me ect. ect . I mean not eating properly anyway , and then throw in my recent adderall abuse (3-4) months , 12-14 hours of mental and physical strain in the summer heat , stress of moving , or having to find my own apartment or new living arrangements, trying to prove all the haters at work I am a good waiter, the death of my stepmother, and the fact I have $8 saved because I spend all my money on drugs and need to move in a week or so , is really causing me to burn out. LUCKILY I have my benzo's to help me sleep at night !!
I did my last Percocet a little while ago. Tomorrow I luckily have 1 suboxone strip unopened. I am also off from work tomorrow. I go back Wednesday afternoon at 3:30 for the dinner shift . I lost track at what I was even trying to ask in this thread . But I had to vent and I guess ask for advice on what I should do in my life , period! I am pretty intelligent, good looking, but I am also extremely lonely to add to my misery. I feel physically weak. I also feel like those chemicals allow me to actually do the job as a waiter. Especially for those double shifts back to back to back . I just need help guys. I am a very simple man. I don't need to be rich , drive a $100,000 car, and have multiple girls to date . I want to just be content. And healthy. And have 1 significant other. I guess the main fuck up is not having my $$ saved for my apartment. Who knows what physical damage I've done to my once "tip top shape" body. I have lost so much weight that I get comments all the time from people , friends , family who I have not seen in a while , about how thin and skinny I got . I guess any feedback, any advice, any plans , any reassurance health wise, will be very much appreciated. I will check back soon. Thank you guys .
Ok so I am a diagnosed hypochondriac, panic disorder, and OCD patient. Other then that , my last doctors visit ( full blood work) , physical, past EKG's all showed my doctor that my health is tip top condition. I don't drink at all , or smoke cigarettes or anything else.
I am prescribed klonopins. 1mg. (60)/month .
I am also a drug addict. Opiates my main DOC. My profession is a waiter , server , at one of the busiest, biggest Italian restaurant in my city . Summer is our busy period . I do 3-4 doubles a week . A double consists of a minimum of 12-14 hours a shift . I am new to the position, I was a bus boy there for a year , same hours , before becoming a waiter this past June. For those who know , being a server in a busy fast pace restaurant is very stressful.
Living situation. I currently live with my dad in a 2 bedroom condo. My step mom died this past January unexpected in her sleep. My dad wanted to down grade to a 1 bedroom. Well that's gonna finally take place Saturday. This Saturday the 9th of September. I am not going with him . I am waiting to see if there is a studio apartment for me to move into . The real estate company manager hasn't giving me a definite answer yet . Another stressor!! I was thinking as a backup, Craigslist renting a room from someone. I am from the northeast where everything is so dam expensive. I own very little . I have my car , paid for . I have a couch , dresser , 27" tv, a chaise lounge chair , and a queen sized box spring and mattress. No bed frame, it's just on the floor . And a small closet full of clothes. That's all!!
I can't open a checking account because I owe back child support!
Ok back to my drug use. Current usage. No need to start from the beginning. Look at my threads to get an idea . Anyway , I will get subs from a friend of a friend . I would NEVER take more then a half of a sub ,ever during the day. Usually I would only take about 1-2.5 mgs. Now I am almost 99% sure that my last dose of sub was on August 25th. Probably about a 2 mg piece of a strip . 10 days ago. However, during this time I have been using 30mg oxycodone hcl tablets . Probably around 4-5 a day. 90% of the time I snorted them. 10% of the time I swallowed them. I am assuming the subs are completely out of my system. Especially with my extremely fast metabolism.
Adderall...... well unfortunately I found a coworker with , an almost what seems to be , an endless supply. This person either has the peach 20mg ir tablets , or the 30 mg ex release capsules. I buy just what I will use for the day , which is usually 80-120mg's .
Here's an extremely important detail. One of my many many phobias that goes with the above mentioned mental issues I listed , is the fear of choking on food . This particular phobia developed in September of 2015 after I thought I was chocking on a chicken quesadilla. Since this phobia developed, my appetite has dropped EXTENSIVELY!!! I told my GP about this and he assured me there was nothing wrong with my swallowing mechanism. He wanted to put me on Zoloft. I asked for the liquid version. However, I never took it , I just take my k-pins . Chew them up and swallow.
I haven't been in an "in office visit" in like 5-6 months . I just call in my script of Benzo's and pick them up at the pharmacy.
Well as mentioned before, I don't drink or smoke cigs , weed , anything. But I am a little concerned with my health . Mostly physically, but mentally I am just getting soooo drained and stressed and depressed with an extremely higher sensitivity towards anxiety and coworkers "possibly" talking about me ect. ect . I mean not eating properly anyway , and then throw in my recent adderall abuse (3-4) months , 12-14 hours of mental and physical strain in the summer heat , stress of moving , or having to find my own apartment or new living arrangements, trying to prove all the haters at work I am a good waiter, the death of my stepmother, and the fact I have $8 saved because I spend all my money on drugs and need to move in a week or so , is really causing me to burn out. LUCKILY I have my benzo's to help me sleep at night !!
I did my last Percocet a little while ago. Tomorrow I luckily have 1 suboxone strip unopened. I am also off from work tomorrow. I go back Wednesday afternoon at 3:30 for the dinner shift . I lost track at what I was even trying to ask in this thread . But I had to vent and I guess ask for advice on what I should do in my life , period! I am pretty intelligent, good looking, but I am also extremely lonely to add to my misery. I feel physically weak. I also feel like those chemicals allow me to actually do the job as a waiter. Especially for those double shifts back to back to back . I just need help guys. I am a very simple man. I don't need to be rich , drive a $100,000 car, and have multiple girls to date . I want to just be content. And healthy. And have 1 significant other. I guess the main fuck up is not having my $$ saved for my apartment. Who knows what physical damage I've done to my once "tip top shape" body. I have lost so much weight that I get comments all the time from people , friends , family who I have not seen in a while , about how thin and skinny I got . I guess any feedback, any advice, any plans , any reassurance health wise, will be very much appreciated. I will check back soon. Thank you guys .