Guys, help me understand this please.

[Reyhoney]

disconnection in sex.

This guy I’ve been seeing has expressed his love for rough sex, he said none of his ex’s ever entertained him in it and were against it, I was naturally into it and I didn’t mind it, we started having sex after a while and it got rough, it got pretty rough that I’ve actually cried during it once (big fantasy of his). Anyway we had sex like this for a while but we still had other types of vanilla sex, but rough was our default.

One day I expressed to him that I love him and he froze, he said that because the sex got so rough he had to numb his feelings for me in order to keep having it. He said he tried to tone the roughness down but I wasn’t into it (?) and he said the rough sex was too much for him.

Anyway, I’m confused and broken-hearted, is there any truth to this? Did he have to dehumanize me in order to have sex with me that way? I feel sort of betrayed cause rough sex is all he ever talked about. Is it just an excuse to end our relationship?

Any insights would be very helpful. Thank you.

 

[aihfl]

IMO rough sex occasionally isn't a bad thing but it sounds like you two are just rutting like a farm animals at this point. What did he say when you told him to tone it down? Freaky deaky shit isn't bad on a limited basis but I've been with enough women to know that you all also appreciate flower petals and candles occasionally too.

 

[Reyhoney]

IMO rough sex occasionally isn't a bad thing but it sounds like you two are just rutting like a farm animals at this point. What did he say when you told him to tone it down? Freaky deaky shit isn't bad on a limited basis but I've been with enough women to know that you all also appreciate flower petals and candles occasionally too.

Thank you for replying. He said he’s the one who tried to tone it down and that I wasn’t into it, I told him I was, and that I wish he had just communicated this instead cause I was going with the flow and what seemed like he wanted. I told him he’s rarely ever mentioned or initiated any kind of romantic sex. The only rare times were first thing in the morning and those weren’t rough.

Also whenever we did try having that nice and slow sex, he’d lose his erection and say he’s just used to rough sex.

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi,

I am not a guy, but I hope you can hear what I have to say. Any man who has to detach when they make love to you, has major issues, and you need to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. There are some people that enjoy "rough" sex (although I am not sure in your case what that means exactly cause you were not explicit), and it is ok as long as both parties desire that. It appears that he is very conflicted about what kind of sex he wants, probably what kind of relationship, how those things fit together and where love fits into all this. You are confused because he is confused. I do not think it is possible to figure this out, because you don't have enough information about what is going on in his head to do that. If you desire "rough" sex sometimes in a loving relationship with someone in the future, it might help to talk about that with your next partner to see if they also want and desire that before you have sex. In this situation, I am not sure you knew that going into this with him. You obviously felt you loved this man and that you liked the "rough" sex. And, the two things could co-exist for you. That is ok. Not so for him unfortunately, at least at this time. I hope you are able to put this behind you and move on to a more healthy relationship and not waste any more of your life on this. Like all relationships that end, there is a lot to be learned from this situation for you that will help you with future ones.

 

[Reyhoney]

Hi,

I am not a guy, but I hope you can hear what I have to say. Any man who has to detach when they make love to you, has major issues, and you need to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. There are some people that enjoy "rough" sex (although I am not sure in your case what that means exactly cause you were not explicit), and it is ok as long as both parties desire that. It appears that he is very conflicted about what kind of sex he wants, probably what kind of relationship, how those things fit together and where love fits into all this. You are confused because he is confused. I do not think it is possible to figure this out, because you don't have enough information about what is going on in his head to do that. If you desire "rough" sex sometimes in a loving relationship with someone in the future, it might help to talk about that with your next partner to see if they also want and desire that before you have sex. In this situation, I am not sure you knew that going into this with him. You obviously felt you loved this man and that you liked the "rough" sex. And, the two things could co-exist for you. That is ok. Not so for him unfortunately, at least at this time. I hope you are able to put this behind you and move on to a more healthy relationship and not waste any more of your life on this. Like all relationships that end, there is a lot to be learned from this situation for you that will help you with future ones.

Hey Sam, thank you for replying, I’m glad a woman replied too cause I thought men would be able to figure this guy out more, but you also offered good insight. The weird thing is after all of this he kept crying and crying and then kept confusing me even more by saying maybe on another level I do love you, then few hours later he said you know what I do love you, just not enough, the next day he kept whispering I love you but at this point it meant nothing at all so I never said it back again. He texted me the next day saying that I should contact him once I move on cause he wants us to be friends and how getting that friendship back would mean so much to him.

I want to move on, I actually changed my number too even though it seems drastic, but I’m still in my feelings, I’m still full of questions and I still do blame myself for lots of it.

 

[pofacedhoe]

he's an emotionally backward douche

will always blow hot and cold on repeat like a playlist on a washing machine

clear honest communicators are where its at

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi,

I am sure you are full of questions and will be for some time. This was a confusing as well as, I suspect, an unusual relationship that you have not been in before. As a result, it will be confusing because of all those things. However, I am curious about what you are blaming yourself for?

 

[Reyhoney]

Like I was supposed to see it anyway? He said he tried to tone it down and I guess I didn’t notice that so it never occurred to me, somehow feels like my fault too. I can’t read minds and I really do wish he had just said it instead of giving signals I have may never noticed.

 

[andyturbo]

Hi Reyhoney,
I hope adding my 2c too the convo will help in some
way. Im going to be as honest and too the point as i can. But I am not him so i can only speak from my opinion of the situation you have described without knowing him or his true intentions.

I am a 28 year old male, currently single. I have been in two serious realationships, 1 very confusing and sad but beutiful with a really close female friend who neither of us were at a stage in our lives where we wanted a realationship however our feelings for eachother became so strong that we started sleeping together, and 4 or 5 other girls who were all friends during different stages of my life and these were never onenight stands but mutually wanted by both .

I can honestly say that i have been in true love once. I thought i had been untill it happend. The partner i speak of and i had sex countless times in countless ways, moods and settings- as i assume majority of partners do. With her, having rough,kinky sex ect i would almost think of that as a completely different interaction than love making/deep and meaningful or whatever you want to call it. Theres nothing in the world that ?cums? close too this.

Ok where the hell am i geting with this? I honestly believe this guy doesnt love you as this situation wouldnt have manifested if so. The fact that his need and want for this is such a big thing, ontop of him always talking about it ontop of most importantly he cant/doesnt want too feel the intimacy and pleasure from making love, where how it happens shouldnt even be something to think about. If the sex is geting ackward, he has no intention of pleasing you and a natural disire to express how much you mean too him which is something hard to fake. Sorry for rambling! So a blunt answer from my opinion is you have done nothing wrong at all, and he sounds like a selfish guy who may still like you moreso than other woman but no way are his true feelings or intentions are on par with yours. I know theres plenty of reasons that i dont know for you too have these feelings for him so i will hold back from calling him a jerk but it makes me both sad and angry too read that. Im sorry that this has happend.

My advice would be to end it asap. If theres doubts or you know its not going to work out every day is one more of hearache and one less for the heart to mend.

Andy

 

[Reyhoney]

Thank you Andy. I’ve ended it, he said call me when you’ve moved on cause I want that friendship back and how it’d mean so much to him.

The thing is I’m mostly so hurt because we were friends for a while before this happened, friends that had more feelings than just platonic, but still we were very close to each other. For the past 7-8 months we’ve talked almost every single day so him doing this caught me by surprise. A really big surprise. I trusted him completely.

Not that I’m blaming him for not loving me, but I wish he hadn’t led me on, all the signals he ever gave me before were pointing that he felt the same way. I wish he would have said he had no romantic feelings for me if he knew that, cause I’m sure he knew I was really into him more than just friends.

I’m sorry I’m rambling too, I know this isn’t something I’ll just get answers to overnight, but I’m trying to get over the tremendous pain he left behind.