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Gibberings ver. CCXVII - More Mouth Than A Cow Has Cunt

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a week today

my brain has decided i'll just not leave my room and not eat fuck fuck fuck i'm considering bailing cos i can be isolated and anorexic at my parents without a 15k a month bill that i'm supposed to pay back. cos they're dual diagnosis for eating disorders and have already said i can't keep up my crack diet (sugar for those who don't know) and i'm like hahaha we'l see who wins at controlling my diet if i just refuse to eat.

i'm supposed to be having crack dreams but am having food dreams

so in case anyone wondered who wins out of anorexia and crack cocaine well now we have our answer
 
Don't bail! Force yourself to eat, smoke some weed? I imagine crack and anorexia to both intensify the other. Just go go go to rehab hey whether it works or not at least you're trying, taking the first step towards a different way of thinking. Delete all numbers of crack and h people, move to another town, it's all situational with any addiction, the more memories are triggered around you the more you'll want to do it.
 
i have no money for weed even if i had a connect at my parents.

i can keep the anorexia at bay when i'm using hard drugs cos i know i won't get fat. i force myself to stay on 900cals at least per day so cos more than 3 days in a row on less than that is straight back into the starvation obsession. i honestly think i'd die if i put my heart through both at once. its just every time i quit drugs i go straight back to being eating disordered. its only just dawning on me i have to give up both and man that's hard. i'm going to have to be a normal fucking human!!

i am gonna delete my numbers, i'm being forced to move to another town. so i'll get there.

but thanks, maybe i won't bail. i haven't suggested it to my parents yet. i' going to NA soon and i often find sanity i can't elsewhere in those rooms. straight after a meeting i said i'd look into rehab to my dad. stright after a meeting i said i'd actually go and to get it booked NOW. so maybe they'll set me right.

i'm so self obsessed, i can tell my mums been crying, assumed it was me. saw a letter that she's been refused NHS funding for something that makes her chronic illness way more manageable.
 
Inso said:
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Victoria & Albert
 
chinup said:
i have no money for weed even if i had a connect at my parents.

i can keep the anorexia at bay when i'm using hard drugs cos i know i won't get fat. i force myself to stay on 900cals at least per day so cos more than 3 days in a row on less than that is straight back into the starvation obsession. i honestly think i'd die if i put my heart through both at once. its just every time i quit drugs i go straight back to being eating disordered. its only just dawning on me i have to give up both and man that's hard. i'm going to have to be a normal fucking human!!

i am gonna delete my numbers, i'm being forced to move to another town. so i'll get there.

but thanks, maybe i won't bail. i haven't suggested it to my parents yet. i' going to NA soon and i often find sanity i can't elsewhere in those rooms. straight after a meeting i said i'd look into rehab to my dad. stright after a meeting i said i'd actually go and to get it booked NOW. so maybe they'll set me right.

i'm so self obsessed, i can tell my mums been crying, assumed it was me. saw a letter that she's been refused NHS funding for something that makes her chronic illness way more manageable.
Click to expand...

Nope chinup you will not bail, you can do it! Being a normal fucking human sounds scary now but when you got there you'll feel great. Here's to a sober chinup

Victoria and Albert, nice :D
 
thanks.

i've remembered an informative 3 days in the crisis centre.

i got caught skinning up and ha all of my priviledges removed. priveledge is phone, any phone calls, visitors, leaving your room, computer, everything but your head and what books you got with you.

i was an arse for 3 days. then i realised. they'd either let me get so bad they could force feed me, or i'd eat. so i fucking ate.

point is i made the choice myself. they ain't going to leave me in a room full of crack and heroin for 3 days to decide i don't want it cos lol that would not work.

i thought my mum had disposed of 2 sharps boxes on my behalf and was proper shitting it. suppose its the best time for her to find out. anyway if she has found them she's not touched them and i am disposing of those tomorrow.
 
chinup said:
i have no money for weed even if i had a connect at my parents.

i can keep the anorexia at bay when i'm using hard drugs cos i know i won't get fat. i force myself to stay on 900cals at least per day so cos more than 3 days in a row on less than that is straight back into the starvation obsession. i honestly think i'd die if i put my heart through both at once. its just every time i quit drugs i go straight back to being eating disordered. its only just dawning on me i have to give up both and man that's hard. i'm going to have to be a normal fucking human!!

i am gonna delete my numbers, i'm being forced to move to another town. so i'll get there.

but thanks, maybe i won't bail. i haven't suggested it to my parents yet. i' going to NA soon and i often find sanity i can't elsewhere in those rooms. straight after a meeting i said i'd look into rehab to my dad. stright after a meeting i said i'd actually go and to get it booked NOW. so maybe they'll set me right.

i'm so self obsessed, i can tell my mums been crying, assumed it was me. saw a letter that she's been refused NHS funding for something that makes her chronic illness way more manageable.
Click to expand...

chinup, my NA days are long gone, (but saved my life & were exactly what I needed for several years) but if you find sanity in those rooms & meet people, or even just one person, who has felt the same as you & has a purposeful drug-free life you want as well, then do what they've done
NA isn't for everyone, rehab isn't for everyone, there are several ways to skin a cat etc, but if you find something working for you, or can see a slither of light in the darkness, follow it

Life feels even shitter when it's not just drugs we're tackling, but some batshit crazy Star Wars sabre battle with food & alcohol & people & feelings & past (& future ffs!) & abuse all joining the melee

Keep on hoping & you're already human by the way <3
 
I would have thought weed would help with Heroin withdrawal symptoms, or maybe getting stoned would make you crave get ting high on harder stuff?

Well it's a crisis centre I guess they're not gonna look nicely on anything. You have to make the choice to quit yourself, no one can do that for you. And then I suppose it's the choice not to use every day after that. I can only imagine what c and h addiction is like, years ago I fell into a coke habit and could feel the pull of thinking about using it every day although at most I did it 2-3 times a week, all I could afford lol. Crack cravings must be on another planet compared to that. Good luck
 
You got a number for Sam? Shit stirring Sam. Nice kid in person. Just the way he is. Nice person. Bollix, but decent soul.
 
Self obsession is really the only worthwhile obsession. That's the truth of it. Be obsessed with yourself and your obsessions, but make sure they re good profitable obsessions.
 
we all read about the rats that give up IV morphine when they get given a good life.

the rats given IV cocaine die of starvation in weeks.

when i lost my job my crack use became as continuous as i could make it, and i could make it fairly continuous.

Inso- i am starting to think you work for big canna!! i am sure there may be something to your hypothesis but i got opiates to taper and no money for weed

Buspersons Holiday said:
NA isn't for everyone, rehab isn't for everyone, there are several ways to skin a cat etc, but if you find something working for you, or can see a slither of light in the darkness, follow it

Life feels even shitter when it's not just drugs we're tackling, but some batshit crazy Star Wars sabre battle with food & alcohol & people & feelings & past (& future ffs!) & abuse all joining the melee
Click to expand...

thanks. i still think NA is a cult. but my view is, i'm a crack whore, i'm literally at the point in life where joining a cult may not be a negative life choice.
 
Smoking a few bowls from Victoria here :sus:

Profitable obsessions you say, sounds like a good combination.
 
chinup said:
we all read about the rats that give up IV morphine when they get given a good life.

the rats given IV cocaine die of starvation in weeks.

when i lost my job my crack use became as continuous as i could make it, and i could make it fairly continuous.
Click to expand...

The dangerous thing is being able to afford a lot of coke. My mate at uni had a liking for coke (powder) and then got a huge inheritance from a rich uncle. 20k on coke in four months, then he quit lol. I feel like I would totally have done the same at the time.

Our brains are wired to seek out the biggest sources of dopamine/endorphins every day. Once coke/h is discovered, the brain does its job and eventually that is the only source it's interested in :(
 
i was due a lot more than your housemate in May and its being contested. 6k in lawyers fees, again fronted by the rents. but the disgusting fucker dragging my step grandmothers name through the mud has saved my life. i've heard of someone getting through a 317k inheritance. i might get it in january which is why i have to give my parents power of attorney.
 
Yeah, in your shoes I would want someone to hold any large cash injection for me until I felt I could be trusted. Thankfully that guy stopped before he got through everything, then years later he lost the other 30k or so in an ill judged business venture...lol not such a lucky guy
 
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