Getting my life back (withdrawal and recovery journal)

[Britt_bratt]

Today is my last day relying on a substance.
A brief background: I was a heavy opiate user (OxyContin and Fentynal) for 5 years but got arrested for stealing narcotics at the pharmacy I was a technician at in 2012, It was a blessing in disguise because it gave me the opportunity to come clean to my family and finally get the help I needed. I successfully completed the (min 9 month) drug court program and my charges were dropped and i was free of opiates finally. For the next 4 years I remained off the opiates but did dabble in stims such as cocaine and mdma. I had those under control until a "friend" from the past asked if I wanted to buy Dilaudid this past January. I was so complacent that I thought I could do a coupe pills and that would be the end of it. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

My dilaudid abuse soon became an OxyContin addiction which then became a fentynal powder problem. (Which is awful because it's that analog that's made in China and is so strong that heavy users are ODing on small amounts.) my life was falling apart, my boyfriend was at his whitts ends and was going to leave me if I didn't clean up. I was to ashamed to tell my parents about this long relapse I've been in because of everything I have already put them through and I couldn't bear hurting them like that. I finally came clean to them recently after numerous attempts of detoxing and relapsing that's been going on since March.
The hurt and disappointment that I put upon them in killing me but I am also using it as a means to get my life back and continue to be sober and clean for the rest of my life.
I did research online and found Kratom to help with opiate withdrawal. It helped a ton but I would still pick up fentynal powder any chance I got and just use Kratom on the days I couldn't get fent. So now I have developed a Kratom habit that's been going on since the end of July. Today I told my mom about Kratom and how I'm now addicted to it thinking it was helping me through opiate withdrawal not realizing I over did it and became dependent on Kratom.

So this is my last and final withdrawal journey (I hope)

I have been dosing around 20-30+ grams of Kratom daily since the end of July with the occasional fentynal powder binge.

Tomorrow I start my Kratom detox, I will dose once more tonight to get a restful sleep before the beginning of my withdrawals start to set in tomorrow. I am super nervous because I know how crappy withdrawals are and have been REALLY struggling with the mental side of things since this relapse has happened and I'm terrified about how long it will take before I start to feel normal again. I defiantly get my self worked up and super siked out about withdrawals which only makes everything seem much worse. I'm trying to tell myself mind over matter. I have some comfort meds to get me through. Multivitamins, weed, clonidine and Clonazepam (my mom will be holding these and monitoring my benzo use so I do not create a benzo dependency, because I already know the high abuse risk and problems that can occur from prolonged use)

So this is my final detox journey, please feel free to chime in with any advice as I will need any help I can get! I have taken a leave of absence from work and can return when I finally feel up to it. After the acute withdrawal is over I will start meeting with my addictions councillor and will also be taking advantage off all the outpatient programs they offer. I'm doing it right this time and using the bare minimal to get through so I do not create any more dependency because I never want to live relient on a substance to get through my day!

Wish me luck everyone! I will be posting my experiences with this detox journey the best I can (I may not feel up to going online and writing much or be able to compose a sentence properly but I'll try my best!)

And thanks for listening..

 

[Thinkwithportals]

It sounds like you really want to do this! I wouldn't dwell too much on the withdrawal and what you will experience. Everyone is different. I too had habits similar to yours. I never tried fentynal so I can't offer anything in that regard. I have a whole thread on the first time I quit Kratom, and the second (this time. 29 days now.) kratom withdrawals are similar to harder opiates but can sometimes have lingering effects. MOST of those are mental. The mental side of things is really what killed me last time, and this time. It is doable though, and with the right mindset/motivation can definitely be done. Keeping busy is key, it's really hard - trust me. I still find myself staring at the wall knowing I should be productive, but can't.
Its all about giving yourself time to adjust to live without a krutch. I myself still use marijuana most evenings for sleep and relaxation.

I would really recommend looking into kava! It truly helped me. It relaxed me and got rid of my RLS 200%. I no longer use it, but towards the end of my withdrawals I dabbled with it and it completely eradicated a slew of symptoms. It's non addictive (I can't find any accounts anywhere of withdrawals from it) I used it pretty frequently and suffered no ill side effects upon cessation.

good luck and keep us posted

 

[Britt_bratt]

It sounds like you really want to do this! I wouldn't dwell too much on the withdrawal and what you will experience. Everyone is different. I too had habits similar to yours. I never tried fentynal so I can't offer anything in that regard. I have a whole thread on the first time I quit Kratom, and the second (this time. 29 days now.) kratom withdrawals are similar to harder opiates but can sometimes have lingering effects. MOST of those are mental. The mental side of things is really what killed me last time, and this time. It is doable though, and with the right mindset/motivation can definitely be done. Keeping busy is key, it's really hard - trust me. I still find myself staring at the wall knowing I should be productive, but can't.
Its all about giving yourself time to adjust to live without a krutch. I myself still use marijuana most evenings for sleep and relaxation.

I would really recommend looking into kava! It truly helped me. It relaxed me and got rid of my RLS 200%. I no longer use it, but towards the end of my withdrawals I dabbled with it and it completely eradicated a slew of symptoms. It's non addictive (I can't find any accounts anywhere of withdrawals from it) I used it pretty frequently and suffered no ill side effects upon cessation.

good luck and keep us posted

.. I was about to post on your latest thread lastnight! So crazy lol. I read your entire story and was shocked at how similar our lives/addictions are! I was telling my mom today about a girl on the internet who reminds me of myself so much it's scary (you!, & You even work in a salon, I work in a "people" salon lol) which made me want to keep a journal of my recovery this time around so I can always go back to it to remind myself of the pain I went through so I don't go back, and to help others.

Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate it, as for the kava I actually have some kicking around which I will definitely utilize this time but I got the crappy Jamison brand capsules and don't think they do much, they are not as potent so I might try and find some elsewhere of better quality or just go above recommended doseage.

Yes the mental is what has been killing me so much this year, I detoxed about 4 of 5 times this year already and would make it 10 days then relapse due to the lethargy and mental side of things. I will not give in this time. I have a good support system, parents have taken my car away and will be monitoring my every move so I don't relapse. I have deleted all social media (other then BL) and deleted all contacts in my phone.

This will be the last time I stay a slave to a drug. I will kept you posted to the best of my abilities! I really need to try and get out of my mind though. All I do is dwell on the withdrawals and I hate everything during that time, life and the world just seems so gritty and grey. I need to try and instill some positivity this time around but it's so much harder then it seems..

How are you feeling today now that you are a month clean!? Congrats that's HUGE! it's inspiring, I know it's a stuggle but you are over the worst! How are your PAWS? Any lingering physical symptoms?

 

[jdfisse]

So you have isolated yourself to deal with a manifestation of antisocial behavior? That seems somewhat counter-intuitive, but somehow apropos for an addict. The loneliest feeling I have ever endured was detoxing in a room by myself. The walls closed in on me every time. Just like Trainspotting. It was amazing how much easier it got (not ever easy by any means) when I was surrounded by other people who understood my pain. Even if you hate the idea of twelve step fellowships at least hanging around one while you go through a rough detox may help. Just a thought from someone who has experienced the same situation many a time.

 

[Thinkwithportals]

I haven't read or experienced much with kava capsules - I would look into the ground root and brew a tea from it. The taste is god awful (it numbs your lips/tongue/throat) and is all around an odd sensation, but it worked for me! I didn't seem to have the reverse tolerance that some people experience.

Having your parents support is awesome! Do you feel they fully understand what you're going through? I do not mean that as a prying question - I only ask because while my parents are supportive - it only goes so far. They try their best, but they have their faults, and I am also coming to a point where I am trying to accept their support, but remain true to myself as well. Their values and beliefs in life contradict mine, and that made being around them (and other family members) difficult at times.

The gritty and grey feeling will be very prominent for a good bit, then dissipate. It comes and goes. I have few moments of clarity, but mostly I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have that synthetic happiness anymore. I need to re-learn how to experience the world in a naturally healthy way. Good and bad. It also helps to remind yourself that - *everyone* has bad days. People who have never touched a substance in their life - they have bad days. It's all about mindset. Before I started using - I had eating disorders. I've always coped with pain in unhealthy ways. Realizing this has empowered me a bit.

Reading/walking/fresh air/healthy foods/and overall caring for your wellbeing; is one of your best bets to beginning to evolve and grow into the person you'd like to be (that's what I've been trying to do anyways 8))

I am feeling pretty down today - but I feel a big change happening so I'm pushing through and reminding myself that I know this is what's right. I know I can be happy, I just have to give it time. My PAWS are strange - I can't tell if that's what this awful fog is, or if I'm readjusting still. I still sneeze a lot throughout the day, and I get hot/cold at strange times. But I can pretty much force myself to do my physically demanding job and feel OK about it at the end of the day. So no real intense physical symptoms

 

[Britt_bratt]

Jd- I am not isolating. I have deleted social media and my contacts because they are unhealthy and serious triggers. I am surrounded with my family and my boyfriend and close "healthy" friends. I have been through this time and time as well and I know isolating makes maters worse and the days super long and awful. I will be surrounded by positive influences during this time of recovery. But thanks for the concern! As for 12 steps I will attend some NA meetings as I have in the past but I'm not big on the religion aspect. I find it very cult like. Where I do believe in a "higher Power" I feel it is more of an energy and connection through earth, science and the universe. But I will try and do my best in going to NA.

TWP- yes good idea about the kava, will be looking into it for sure!
As for my parents, exactly what you just told me about yours. They are trying to be supportive but they don't really understand. My dad thinks it's all bullshit and doesn't understand the withdrawal process or mental aspect or let alone "recovery" he thinks everything should just be easy as saying no to a drug and be done with it all. My mom is more understanding as her father was an alcoholic and she suffered from depression as well so she knows how hard it is and how addiction plays into depression and mental illness. I'm lucky to have her support but it hurts me that she is so hurt and distraught over this. She told me her worst nightmare about her having kids was if, god forbid, one becomes a drug addict. And I have failed as her daughter and brought her worst nightmare a reality she now has to deal with.
I know the overall void and grey feeling will and does go away as I have seen the other side of recovery and it's truly beautiful. Just sucks getting so stuck in that mind frame and not knowing when it will lift. I know we're going to have good and bad days and that's just life. I will try to get myself to exercise and do small tasks that I enjoy such as baking or painting/art (and eating healthy) and hopefully it will help my natural endorphins come back faster!!

Keep it up you're almost there! I found last time I detoxed completely (when I had 4 years of clean time) after the month mark I was back to normal so I think you'll be back to yourself in no time !! Gives he tons of hope too..

 

[Britt_bratt]

Little update: just took my very last dose of Kratom! I could already feel the RLS setting in from my afternoon dose I took around 3pm wearing off..
In about 20 mins I will feel "normal" again for the last time until my body adjust without Kratom. I'm hoping for a good nights rest tonight for I know my sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) will be all over the place starting tomorrow I have some THC+CBD oil on my nightstand in case I wake up in the middle of the night in withdrawal (I tend to have to dose mid-sleep and again early in the morning when dependent on Kratom, whereas I found with my hard opiates I could sleep for over 12 hours straight and wouldn't start with WDs till early afternoon the next day)

 

[jdfisse]

I am glad to hear that you are not isolating. Again, there has been nothing like being around a group of people that has personal experience with what I have gone through. I would never take my car to the dentist and I would never take tooth pain to a mechanic, but I consistently avoided taking my drug problem to a group of people who have experience dealing with a drug problem. I think you see where I am going with this...

 

[Britt_bratt]

Jd- understandable! This is why I will be attending out patient programs with people hat know first hand what I'm dealing with

 

[Britt_bratt]

So today is my first day without Kratom. I have yet to get out of bed because I'm just dreading this day. I woke up around 8am to an anxiety attack and restlessness. I caved and took my prescribed 1mg clonazepam. All my anxiety is currently relieved but I am very upset I have already popped a benzo. (My dr prescribed 1mg clonazepam 3 times daily, but that's toooo much. I plan on only taking .5mg-1mg once daily, preferably before bed to help relax me for some sleep and only for the first 3-4 days when I'm in the worst of it and be done with benzos as to not create another addiction, tonight I will just settle for a natural sleeping pill that you can buy OTC and some weed to help me relax before bed tonight.
I'm about to get out of bed, just had a sneezing attack. I hope since it's my first day off Kratom I can get my easily but I dread tonight knowing I won't get a minute of sleep.
I will keep everyone posted with this journey the best I can.

 

[simco]

Hey Britt. I wanted to comment a bit on your ambivalence regarding NA. NA is a complex thing...there's The Program as it's described in the literature, there's the sponsor/sponsee relationship, the comaraderie of the group, etc etc etc.

To me, the most important thing about keeping NA useful was figuring out which aspects of it resonated with me and which ones didn't (and this changes over time for me). There can be a lot of pressure to swallow the program whole (and I'm sure for some folks this is exactly right). But if NA becomes part of your recovery, I recommend picking and choosing those parts of the program that you yourself find meaningful. It sounds obvious I guess. But sometimes it can be hard to keep a clear head when folks offer their advice.

 

[Britt_bratt]

Hey simco, yes I agree with you about taking what I need from the NA meetings which is why I still plan to go and just focus the parts that work for myself and my recovery

 

[simco]

Sounds like you're putting together a really strong recovery

 

[Britt_bratt]

Thanks simco. I'm doing whatever it takes this time to stay clean and focus on my recovery and utilize all the help and programs my area offers. Can't keep living like this or il just be another satistic on the news. I know I have a lot to work on but I know what I need to do as I have done it before but now I just need to go the entra mile and ALWAYS focus on my recovery so I don't relapse again.

 

[Thinkwithportals]

Keep on keeping on! You're doing great. Practice self love and forgiveness. That is my biggest isssue, at least. Set small goals and celebrate each thing you achieve just wanted to pop in and offer more support

 

[Britt_bratt]

At the 35 hour mark now, did not sleep good. Had some weed before bed and that helped me fall asleep around 9pm but after a couple hours I was up all night. Mom gave me a benzo to help but still could not sleep. Will only be taking the benzo for 2 more days then stop. I don't want to get out of bed, because I rather be laying in the dark finding it somewhat peaceful then be up in the brightness and uncomfortable not knowing what to do with myself.
All my symptoms so far are mildly present except the fact I didn't sleep much. I feel low motivation(which may be from the benzo also) and depressed. I will post later how the rest of my day goes..

 

[Jabberwocky]

Insomnia can be so tough. By for a day and a half in, that is pretty normal. Sometimes taking a day or two off and just laying in bed, under the influence of benzos or not, can be really helpful. Mixing it up and getting outside or doing stuff can also be helpful of course, and probably is good to get in the habit of a little, but you're just starting the process. I think you're entitled to hang out in bed a bit if it's what you're feeling!

I found routine to be the most helpful with insomnia. Also not trying to sleep when it obviously isn't happening. I got really into some amazing podcasted radio shows while I was kicking methadone and couldn't sleep. Radiolab and Sanp Judgement are fucking amazing shows to distract and bring a little joy back into what probably felt like a rather lifeless life at the time for me.

As did spending time walking around the neighborhood at night. I love how the streets empty out around 1-2am weekdays. The solitude of that was actually very welcome. Both highly recommended

Figuring out how to manage insomnia and sleeping whenever one can without going nuts is a very valuable learning experience. Particularly as insomnia and RLS were always what I struggled with the most next to GI symptoms and having to stay near a bathroom when I was having a shit (pun intended) time.

That is awesome to hear it sounds like your mum is supportive. How do you feel about that, as I know it can be a double edged blade.

Maybe you can get her to take you somewhere to get a manicure and light massage. That was probably one of the biggest eye openers I experienced during acute withdrawal when my dad dragged my ass to get a manicure (and I couldn't say no when they offered a light massage he was like, "son you are supposed to say no to that" :D). It's an outstanding form of self care.

 

[Britt_bratt]

TPD- you always offer the most helpful/powerful advice through the withdrawal process and I always take in and apply what you say. Thank you! And I will deff try and get out for some walks, the nights here are getting to cold for walks but the days are still beautiful so I will try and take advantage of that.
As for my moms support it's absolutely a godsend. But it can be hard at times because she really doesn't know what to say about what I'm really going through so sometimes it's a broken record and generic "it will get better you just need time" or "you did this to yourself and must pay the consequence" she's so hurt and feels trapped because she can't leave her 25 year old daughter in fear I will relapse, again. Saddens me I have made it impossible for her to live her life at the moment.
The boredom and depression are really getting to me. The insomnia and low energy and motivation are the most intense symptoms right now. The benzo seemed to help the restlessness and RLS and the severe anxiety is get coming off opiates. (In this case Kratom)
As for manicures that's a prefect idea but i do it as a living so I don't get much satisfaction going elsewhere because I'm way to picky LOL. But a light relaxation massage could make all the diff. Wouldn't turn that down!!

 

[simco]

One thing that helped me deal with my family after I had to lean on them during my recovery was (gently) explaining that support doesn't have to entail conversation, at least not all the time. Sometimes I'd just have a cup of coffee with my dad in our kitchen and we'd both read the paper...no words exchanged. Honestly, those kinds of moments were great...for both of us, I think.

 

[Britt_bratt]

Good idea simco. Sometimes it's better to not say anything and just be in each others company..

Little update: haven't ventured to far from my room today. Managed to make a herbal tea and have some toast and an apple. I smoked a joint so that made me gain a bit of an appetite. Just been lazing around watching videos on my phone to kill the time. I'm weak and tired but can't sleep and my legs feel raw I don't want to do anything but even doing nothing is annoying. Haven't had huge hot cold fluctuations or sweets which is normally always present when I withdrawal but I'm thinking the benzo from earlier and the weed is helping with that. Physical wise I seem to be doing pretty alright (other than insomnia and the malaise/lack of motivation and energy) in comparison to my oxy and fent withdrawals but mentally I'm in such a dark place for now.