• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Getting clean-just need support through this

dognasher

dognasher

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2013
Messages
214
Hi, I am sorta new here, so I'm sorry if I'm not posting in the right forum...but I am embarking on my (last) attempt to clean up after a few months of on and off H use. I've been using on and off for the past two years and I am so tired of it.

I have a family and I am a parent. I have so much to look forward too-a new business, a great and healthy relationship (aside from my drug use, which is deceptive and a big reason why enough is enough), and I know this is it-i have got to do this before I lose it all and I don't want to see what's waiting at the bottom.

I have a lot of hope-I am in early withdrawals, I know what's coming, I so want to see the light at the other side. Unfortunately I have responsibilities so I cant just sit at home, but I am GOING to get through this. For the last time. I know all about comfort meds and what lies ahead is gonna suck, I guess I just wanted to connect here so I can talk to somebody-nobody knows about my abuse really.

Does anybody have any words of advice or good stories of how they came out alive, and stayed clean?

I get really emotional during withdrawals and I really isolate myself when I am sick so I thought maybe by reaching out it would help me get through this process a little easier...

Thanks, any feedback is really appreciated!
 
Hi Dognasher, Welcome to Bluelight! I wish that when I had first joined here, I had known something about comfort meds. I've been drug-sick more times than I can remember and glad that's finally over with. I did rehabs a few times but I guess I wasn't ready because I would always go back to it. Ended up kicking for the last time on a friend's sofa for a few days and will have four years clean in June.

From what you said, you sound pretty isolated in your addiction. On and off use can be just as hard as every day (at least for me) because each time I quit, went back then detoxing seemed rougher. I don't know why this happens. Do you have any friends/family who could help out while you withdrawal? I know it's hard to tough it out on your own. But you can do this, I'm living proof! <3
 
I really don't feel like I can afford to tell anybody about this- my parents were aware of my using a couple years ago and supported me while I kicked but they think I have been clean this whole time, and would be profoundly disappointed. My SO already saw me through the detox for benzos, and I just can't do that to him again. It's just not an option. I got into this on my own and I gotta get out of it on my own. None of my friends do drugs. I wish there was somebody I could talk to, but I am hoping withdrawal won't be unbearable as its only been two weeks of daily use (I know its still gonna suck! It does suck. Really, really, bad.) but weirdly this time I am not as afraid of the pain because I am just so over it. I'm sure tomorrow when I am 48 hours in I will be singin' a different tune, though.

Oh yeah, and as to how I am feeling-last night I took about 12mgs of lope, and 300 mgs of seroquel, plus .2 of clonidine. I slept ok, woke up twice, and this morning I am in full withdrawal. Yay. Ugh. I am going to stay home today because I have the day off and I am going to use kratom for the next couple days-I hate kratom but it does help wds. What sucks is it's a beautiful day and here I am, sitting at home, feeling like shit.
 
Just found your thread here. Glad to see you're utilizing The Dark Side. It can provide a good support system if you're unable to reach out to your family or friends (and I know just how that feels).

It sounds like your detox should be bearable with the kratom/lope/clonidine combo. Regardless, I saw this in another thread and thought it may be good advice for you as well:
herbavore said:
You have made a great decision. It sounds like you have the determination to get you off to a good start. Be prepared in your head for those sneaky little voices of addiction that are sure to try to convince you, "just once won't hurt". Use your thread to get through cravings or to write through the inevitable difficult thoughts. I've seen lots of people use their threads as almost a daily check-in or journal. It can be a good way to start the day with intention.
Click to expand...

Just figured I'd share that as it's just what I was thinking when I saw your post in the introductions forum.
 
Thank you so much for the support! Right now what's killing me is my body says "rest", while my mind goes "clean the house, pay bills". I really need to play catch up but I have to work the next six days in a row so today is my only day to catch up on rest and prepare my body for the battle to come.

One of my biggest problems that I believe contributed to my drug use is perfectionism. I am trying to use this time to be good to myself and try to not beat myself up for this mistake or for being sick.

I can do this. For good this time. I'm trying to see it as a catharsis. But God do I feel like shit right now.

PS, thanks again to all who have replied with such kind words of support...I feel like having BL as a tool to get through this time is helping me to feel less alone in my process-for that I am so grateful!
 
I hope so! I am wondering how long this will take because I was plugging mostly, but it was kind of a lot-sometimes almost 2gs....but that kind of thinking will just make it feel longer so I'm saying eff it- it's gonna take as long as it wants to take.

Anybody else here have families and detoxed while still taking care if business? Like go to work, take care of kids, etc? It would've heartening to know some folks are in the same boat as me.

It seems like the kratom does a good job...I also take 10mgs of celexa daily and I feel like that might make a diff this time in the horrible depression.

Addendum: I was taking up to two grams at day, not at once! :)
 
Last edited:
Kratom is doing an okay job, I am getting some sleep-just IRRITABLE. Which sucks since I have a toddler and they can be, well, irritating! Anybody gone through this with kids? I feel like since I was plugging mostly maybe things aren't so bad, but it's only day two so maybe they will hit hard in the next 24.
 
never had to deal with kids while detoxing (lame co-workers don't count, right ;)). that sounds stressful as hell.
 
I am right there man. I am in hr 24, dealing just fine. Feelin a little shitty, sure to get worse. I have no toddlers hanging around, just a teen ager. I am also doing this with all the time in the world to get through. I have over a month of time off so im in good shape.
 
You know what though? It's okay. Today is a beautiful day where i am at-it's going to be almost 80° and sunny, there's not a cloud in the sky right now! So I'm going to buck up, get dressed, get some decaf coffee, go to work and take care of shit.

That will make me feel normal-which is what I miss! I hated being sick and going to meet my dealer (who constantly tried to get me to sleep with him, not fun when you're in withdrawal and just want your stuff!) in some creepy part of the city when all around me the sun was shining and people were going about the day..it made me feel like some sort of dungeon troll. Can you guys relate? I always hated that.

Heroin really robs you of time- the time spent waiting for the dope man, time spent being sick, time spent driving around chasing dealers....
 
Go at it. I had a thought of jumping on my motorcycle and delivering a formula maker machine to my sister who has a new born. Its about 70 miles round trip but the wife thought it wouldn't be the best idea so I didn't. She was probably right...........again.
 
impressive work, dognasher, keeping that PMA. you rule!
-Sim
 
Ugh. Got through day two. I have to talk to customers at my job and there were a lot of psychic vampires today...but I am also feeling withdrawn and pensive.. Kratom is helping but it makes me shaky and jumpy. I cleaned, which was a good channel for anxiety. Just doing normal stuff that doesn't involve a dealer is helping...but I am so cranky and so easily miffed..and the skin on fire thing-I HATED THAT about Benzo WD, and I hate it about opiate WD. But whereas benzo WD is miles long, I know I'm a few days to being better, physically. My goal is to be walking every night after work and then move up to jogging again-that will keep cravings at bay, connect me with the outside, and it's hard to want heroin after a long run! It's going to be hard but for the first time I am withdrawing with the ACTUAL goal of staying clean. No chipping. No pills. Nothing after this. I never want to go through this and lose a week of my life again.
 
It may not help, but have you looked into a variety of kratom strains or have you just tried one? Some of them are more sedating and opiate-like while some have more of a stimulant quality. Also, some of these qualities are dose-dependent. Possibly something worth looking into. I'm not sure what to suggest for the 'skin on fire' thing. It can take a long time for the hot and cold flashes to subside (in the past 7 years I've only been clean long enough to get past them once, and it seems like it took a month or two).

Walking/jogging is likely going to do you a lot of favors.

Good call on the chipping. Chipping almost always leads back to full-blown addiction. My roommate, for example, recently quit for two weeks, started back chipping, and is already back to using full-time :(.
 
Thanks for the advice Colonel Contin! I am taking the bali strain and it does help, but the first hour or so I'm sort jumpy. But the alternative aint an option. I am getting some sleep, so that's something. Just sort of functioning at 60%. Weepy. Tired. Irritable. Honestly I thought it would be worse, since on this run I went two weeks doing two grams a day. Who knows, could turn for the worse but trying to be positive. It's SO NICE to have money in the bank to buy coffee and stuff!

I'm halfway there! I hope to be feeling better in a few days. Does the third day usually take a turn for the better for you guys?
 
At Christmas 2014 I decided enough was enough. Stopped taking benzos and opiates recreationally and went through bad benzo withdrawal (was on 6mg clonazepam a day for over a year) withdrawal lasted a couple weeks till I started feeling better and now I feel great. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I chased it, caught it and am holding on to it. Been clean (aside from methadone which I am currently tapering off, was at 160mg and now am at 78mg). It can and will get better.

Sending good vibes.

drscience
 
Hi dr. Science! I was on six mg of clonazepam too! I came off that in September...sometimes the wd from that still bites me in the ass, but I am so much better now...can't believe I was dumb enough to start back up on the H after going through benzo hell. Good for you on getting off all that! Well, about to try and sleep and hit day four. The kratom has been a godsend, I started tapering off it today. Can't wait to not be taking that here in a few as well. What a fucking roller coaster...I make myself re-read all this daily so I don't forget. It could be worse. So much worse. I'd rather not find out. Say prayers! I will post how I am feeling tomorrow.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top