Gay but afraid of men

[Cyanoide]

After years of being unsure of what I am, I have come to the conclusion that I'm gay.

My problem may sound funny to some, but is real for me.

I don't know how to find and meet other gay men. My only friends are females (well, apart from two guys), and I feel much more connected to females than to males. I'm not a feminine guy though, by any means. Although I dislike traditional gender roles, in practice I do "guys stuff", I find feminine men unattractive (just to clarify, it's totally fine by me, I just find even females more attractive than feminine men).

It doesn't get much easier when I'm attracted to masculine men because I find them to be intimidating, but at the same time I don't have courage to even make an internet date profile or visit a gay club (not even mentioning gay sex clubs, which I would like to visit).

I think it's also an issue about sexual experience, because I've only been with guys a few times (years ago), but with women quite many times (as a teenager).

I don't have any sex life at all now, because I'm too shy, and, to be totally honest, ashamed because I'm a newbie with men. I'm over 30 now, so I think it's time I should do something about this. I'm not going to lie either, right now I want sex more than a relationship, but I have a very poor self-confidence when it comes to my sexuality. Sometimes I've thrown away sex toys just because I'm ashamed I actually enjoyed using them.

With such a poor self-esteem, how could I ever find a relationship?

 

[Pagey]

Have you ever thought about your female friends accompanying you to gay clubs? I really think that might help you get over the initial awkwardness and discomfort. And where I live anyway, a good 30-40% of people who go to gay clubs are women, so it wouldn't stand out or beg any questions or anything. But it may really serve to make you feel more accepted and less alone in that world, and in the event of the evening not ending with a guy, you can just have a fun night out with friends. Worth a shot be it only to work towards getting over the stigma I think

 

[pofacedhoe]

wow- get over your shame. gee's

work on your shame- shame can be a feeling caused by some underlying depression. what do you have to be ashamed about? when you come out it does free you from this internal judgement you place on yourself.

stop beating up yourself mentally. the world is out to knock you down, dont help it out lol

clubs= shallow sexual experiences with drunk/druggie pleasure dudes. not relationship material from my experience.

what do you want? a relationship? then you have to make an effort. some dating sites work quite well. many people would laugh at this but its very hard to meet gay men in the way a straight man would just chat up a random woman. that opportunity is very rare so go online. i found gaydar shit but plenty of fish has worked out well for me so far

 

[llama112]

I like Pagey's idea of having female friends go out with you to gay bars/clubs.

Why not at least try a dating site? It's a first step. At least then you can start chatting with other guys. And grow from there.

 

[Cyanoide]

For me, the feeling of shame comes from a poor self-esteem and lack of confidence. I'm confident only when I'm high.

I could go to a gay bar with a female friend...My friends are very supportive so I don't think that would be a problem.

 

[missmeyet?]

I have accompanied gay male friends to a gay bar (and I'm not gay) and it was a lot of fun. Do your girl friends realize you are gay at this point? I would definitely talk to them and try that out. Also, I think the profile on the dating sites sounds excellent too. I had never had any experience with those until recently. I have a 22 year old son who is a good looking guy but was having trouble meeting new friends after moving to a new state. We made him a profile (which he was totally against at first) and he ended up making some friends a long the way!

Good luck dear

 

[pofacedhoe]

For me, the feeling of shame comes from a poor self-esteem and lack of confidence. I'm confident only when I'm high.

I could go to a gay bar with a female friend...My friends are very supportive so I don't think that would be a problem.

good luck in gay bars (very good fun), have a look on plenty of fish as well. poor self esteem is a function of how you see yourself and what you believe about yourself, you need to make a mental effort to change this. positive mental attitude will help and start making a conscious effort to think positively about yourself.

what messages you send out to the world are what come back a lot of the time. positive thinking is very important.

when i wake in the morning and look in the mirror at my small but growing beer belly i don't think "urgh i'm fat i hate myself" i think "hmm someone will like me anyway cos my face is cool but i do think exercise would help". so instead of being negative about myself i frame problems within a thought strategy of self improvement (whether that will actually happen or i'm just deluding myself either way it makes me happy)