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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Misc Functional addicts - question

Zonxx

Zonxx

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2019
Messages
2,860
As a functioning addict, from time to time i get the thought " why fucking bother moderating and fuck it all i wana be as high as can be" but have yet to give in to it because as all functional addicts who've given in know it doesnt end well, but what are your reasons for not saying fuckit and letting your specific addiction just fucking take hold and run the game?
Mine are, family that actually accept my heavy hard drug use and support as best as can which i cherish for being so lucky so i do my best to not lose myself whatre your reasons?
 
Zonx, I will be blunt here. You are just progressing through all of the well-known and well-traveled roads leading to complete unfunctional addiction. This doesn't imply that you're weak or stupid. As human beings, we often lie to ourselves to protect our sanity or to maintain our self-esteem. We think of all of the myriad ways that we can consume drugs all the time without experiencing addiction. There has to be a way. You'd be surprised how many utter street junkies consider themselves to be "functional".

We all want to feel good all the time. I don't know of anyone who doesn't enjoy fun or good times. Opioids are literally happiness. It's what they do. It's natural after experiencing such ecstasy to want to repeat the experience. You are beginning to question now why you even bother moderating at all. This will lead to "doing a little extra" tonight as a treat. This leads to morning desperation and a reinforcement of the animalistic urge to once again experience contentment.

Thinking that you are different or that you might know the "secret" to maintaining normalcy is a pitfall that most of us find ourselves in.
 
Keif Richards said it 100% correctly. Mine was simply money. Though I make decent money, I recently found out that I can spend money on other "addictions" that won't ruin my life, or potentially kill me. For example, I LOVE gambling... It gives me just as good of a high as heroin (in a sense.. though they are obviously completely different). Though I am spending my money, It can't kill me. And I can walk away anytime I want (without horrible WDs at that).
 
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First off, I am not sure there is such a beast as a functioning addict, from Personal experiance It is the people around the addict who function and enable.
That begs the question what is an addict.
Some people seem to hold it together better than others. My best friend. Housemate and fellow pipe user has a saying: there are crack heads and there are smokers. We, on obviously, are smokers. I do not consider myself an addict thougho othersdo.
just finished a massive bender and now have to stop for a bit.
Why not just carry on?
because, though drugs are part of my life, they are not my whole life. I have people I love and loved
Dreams of doing things. Traveling. Getting a puppy. Being with my son
pretty much the same feeling regarding suicide.
Sort of the same thing in my mind.
 
Be careful, i started casually using 5 years ago. It doesn't stay casual. I ended up losing my job, my boyfriend at the time and most of my family and friends.
Starting casually almost ruined my life and is impossible to maintain as casual.
Now im clean but i wish i stayed an occasional user, would have saved alot of hurt
 
Great post.I only wish I read it sooner Zonxx! I respect what others have said here, but I would like to share a different perspective. I'm going to assume you have been using for a while as I have. I really wish people would acknowledge that there are functioning addicts all over the world. Unfortunately, most have to hide it because people immediately advise to quit & go to rehab. I consider myself a highly funtioning addict - great job, home, hobbies, friends, etc and a heroin habit.
Anyone anytime can say "Ya, your functioning now, but just try sober!". It drives me crazy. I am an adult I have chosen what I like. I have lived a clean life and I have lived a not clean one. There is a difference in when I was 20 and how I am now. Younger, there were times when I consumed a bevy of substances just to see how wasted I could get. Now, I'm quite content laying out the quantity I purchase, and planning for the week or whatever. Sure there are things that I could do better, but that's with anyone.
Now, to answer your original question, love has always been whats holding me out. I still have hope that I'll meet someone. Life can be lonely straight or not. I just handle it better being an addict. Im hypersensitive to a sometimes abrasive society.
I hope some of this made any sense. I worked all day and am about to call it a night.
 
Zonxx said:
As a functioning addict, from time to time i get the thought " why fucking bother moderating and fuck it all i wana be as high as can be" but have yet to give in to it because as all functional addicts who've given in know it doesnt end well, but what are your reasons for not saying fuckit and letting your specific addiction just fucking take hold and run the game?
Mine are, family that actually accept my heavy hard drug use and support as best as can which i cherish for being so lucky so i do my best to not lose myself whatre your reasons?
Click to expand...

Oh come on, you know as well as I do you can start out on .2/.3 of heroin a day for a couple of weeks & it will be fine but after that point you have to start having that as soon as you wake up & if you actually want to "get high" you need more & more cash to score with & that pushes you into crime.

You have no desire in life apart from thinking "fuck it all i wana be as high as can be"?.........
 
For me I have 3 daughters; 18,15 and 11 months, I have to keep my job to provide for them , have to be there for them to be a good example, have to keep my house clean, cook healthy meals for them .. They will always come first before my recreational oxy use, I have became dependent on the pills and I have had to call out of work (I get 80 hours sick time a year so me calling out does not make my paycheck any less.) if I don’t have any and don’t feel good, I do get irritable as well but I will never let it get to a point where they know that I take them or get to a point where I don’t handle all my responsibilities. And really I can’t afford to have more and totally be a addict . Yeah do I sometimes fantasize about getting fucked up and relaxing and doing nothing for days but that will never happen .
 
Zopiclone bandit said:
Oh come on, you know as well as I do you can start out on .2/.3 of heroin a day for a couple of weeks & it will be fine but after that point you have to start having that as soon as you wake up & if you actually want to "get high" you need more & more cash to score with & that pushes you into crime.

You have no desire in life apart from thinking "fuck it all i wana be as high as can be"?.........
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i posed the question wondering what others reasons were, my desire is rather, not to consume drugs at all but alass they have a grip over me and won't let go but that doesn't stop me from jumping in with them and allowing myself to simply be as high as i can be, i've done my fair share of "crime" but not for drugs themselves sure, it's fed certain habits, it's allowed me to do certain things i wouldn't have otherwise. There is always a need for more cash, there is always a posibility to score more, that doesn't mean that without doing so you'll fall to pieces, and even if you do, it's temporary, just as you get used to a regimen of drug use, you can do the same for sobriety, most of my use is heavy opiates for chronic pain, which i substitute with crack cocaine on days where i could double or triple my dose, i rather smoke a few bags theres never been a day in my life where i've gone out of my way for drugs as of yet, i've done my share of both using and selling dope, you have a point, but you fail to realize, when you accept to use everyday, tolerance is inevitable and we as humans can become tolerant to quite literally everything and for that matter get used to somthing just as easily as using dope, but you have a very closed mind towards this topic, i implore you to think about what its like being able to jump into as much use as you want but not doing so because i don't think you really have except for the fact that "you'll need more" we could use more of everything, and thats a fact but there is a point where its unattainable, i know plenty of people who would sell their furniture for another hit and thats just what i'm getting at, a functional being wouldn't typically do that, sure they might want to, but are capable of not doing so, who wouldn't want to be as high as they could be? not going for it is a pretty big thing my fellow Bler, you have to ponder the fact that, not everyones life is like yours, not everyones life is good or bad and that some make it through as best they can and drugs aren't the world, but when you jump in, they can seem to be the world but thats just a false perception of thinking you absolutely need them, i do need opiates for chronic pain, i could shoot hundreds of mg's of morphine/day instead of taking them orally, 1 pill would be equivilent to every pill i take everyday, but do i? No so you have to think of the bigger picture when the question is "not giving in"
 
I've been addicted to opiates for a decade or so now, but I've never been homeless or completely without a job and I'm still able to pay my rent/bills (hence my screen name). The trick for me is rationing my dosage, like using a pill-splitter and taking a piece one night and the other the next. I still take a small dose every night just so I can get some shut-eye and keep the withdrawals at bay, but every now and then (like once a month) I treat myself to 300mg of morphine or whatever else I can procure. Some people might say this is just prolonging my addiction but I do plan on quitting eventually since I'm pushing 30 and would like to have a baby before its too late. To me, rationing my meds and having some will-power beats overindulging on a regular basis which will fuck up my tolerance that I've managed to keep balanced, drain all the cash in my savings, and possibly cause me to lose one of my jobs. Because to be honest, I have fucked up my tolerance before from frequent use, I have drained all the money I had in the bank, and I quit a job when I was issued a random. Bottom-line I guess is this: From my experience, I'd rather have enough control over my addiction to keep from getting fucked up every day or even every weekend than be unemployed and broke. It took a period of trial-and-error to bring my tolerance down, but it was worth it in the long run because I'm not as broke as I use to be and now I only take a small dose before bed and nobody at work would ever suspect that I'm an "addict".
 
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Zonxx said:
family that actually accept my heavy hard drug use and support as best as can which i cherish
Click to expand...
ditto for me. its my SO and the life we can live comfortably with. i fiend out once in a while; maybe 3 times a year. i feed the monkeys a little bit here and there if the opportunity allows. if not i move on....
i work 5 days a week in a busy environment that demands performance and perfection. i can deal with it easily (not sure how or why) and it keeps me grounded. been workin the same job for 4+ years: in that 4+ years i may have missed 1/8 of that time to being too fucked to go in... or just didnt feel like going in. sometimes it was from WDs of various substances like aplrazolam and opiate/oid WDs. 2+ weeks no work but got through it... do not think i will have to go through that again... hopefully.
support from family/friends/job helps a lot to keep moving forward. if i fall back a pace i go forward two paces. im good.
i dont know why i have the awesome people around me: i do not know what i did to be *blessed with these people. trying not to "let them down" also helps me maintain. i know they need something from me so its quid pro quo? still trying to fiigure out the dynamics of give/take *living in a social setting... i dislike but just need to hang on for another 20 years or so (i hope i can have 20 more years with SO).
anyway... thats my life. not bad but drugs seem to give me a more immediate feeling of all is well when i know good and well it is not all good... maybe until it turns bad. i have come to accept that substances will be a part of my life but do not have to let them overwhelm me and cause delusional desperation, depression and doom. sometimes i feel this but know that if i keep moving eventually it gets a little brighter. then it gets dark again. cycles. life. guess im saying my monkeys are not going to grow to the point of taking me out.
love the post. thought provoking and pertinent IMO.
one
??
 
I got into it to try to overcome personal issues like shyness, then to be the best me that I felt I could be, and feel the best for the longest, to find the perfect drug.

I'm still searching, and I don't think it exists, but I'm sure that there can be a "perfect" compound, until the time it isn't.

Functionally, I spend a lot of money I could spend elsewhre, but the experiences have been worth it, and my computer skills allow me to work fucked up and naked if I want to for days at a time.
 
c97521d9 said:
I got into it to try to overcome personal issues like shyness, then to be the best me that I felt I could be, and feel the best for the longest, to find the perfect drug.

I'm still searching, and I don't think it exists, but I'm sure that there can be a "perfect" compound, until the time it isn't.

Functionally, I spend a lot of money I could spend elsewhre, but the experiences have been worth it, and my computer skills allow me to work fucked up and naked if I want to for days at a time.
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perfect is a matter of perspective, i can say many drugs ive consumed are my perfect drugs, if not all of them come to think of it but everyday is different so you take one day at a time and learn what best suits you, you should aspire to more than simply aquiring the best high, but i can abide by wanting to feel as good as possible whenever possible who wouldn't right? hope you keep a handle on shit (y) if you ever need anything bluelight is always here ofcourse
 
When i start thinking like that, i call it tunnel vision. I just think about dope. Then my priorities and life usually get all mixed up. I try to do things to occupy my time more so i dont have the time to get high all the time. Usually when i get tunnel vision, its because im just bored and have too much free time on my hands.
 
I remained functional in terms of keeping my jobs and supporting myself while I was descending ever deeper into 10 years of opiate addiction. However I wanted to die by the end of it. Eventually I just realized that I couldn't love myself or actually progress and grow in life when I was a slave to opiates, so I managed to quit for good. I still use drugs and have had some much shorter and more easily broken addiction spirals, and in general I always struggle to not use too many drugs (except for psychedelics, those don't give me any problems). I am very committed to staying in control and not using anything daily or to function or to make myself feel fulfilled, simply because I have experienced that, and I have experienced getting past that, and every single time, my life is better when I am not a substance slave. Even if I'm good at "functioning", it's still no way to live.

Playing music is a better high than any drug. Doing something you love is a better feeling than any drug, whatever it is. A lot of people forget that, and it's no wonder because addictive drugs rewire our brains over time. I choose to still use drugs, despite an addictive personality, and I sometimes think it's a bad idea, and I sometimes am glad I do. But if I had to choose between the things that actually make me feel fulfilled, and the drugs that temporarily distract me or make me feel a rush of neurotransmitters... with no hesitation I would toss out the drugs.

I'm glad I don't have to choose... but I'm also very glad that I am usually sober these days, even though I still use drugs more than the average person.
 
Zonxx said:
As a functioning addict, from time to time i get the thought " why fucking bother moderating and fuck it all i wana be as high as can be" but have yet to give in to it because as all functional addicts who've given in know it doesnt end well, but what are your reasons for not saying fuckit and letting your specific addiction just fucking take hold and run the game?
Mine are, family that actually accept my heavy hard drug use and support as best as can which i cherish for being so lucky so i do my best to not lose myself whatre your reasons?
Click to expand...

William S Burroughs defined a terminal junky as, to paraphrase. someone who is habituated to their drug of choice, and has unlimited supply . . . I do not think Burroughs meant to opine that the habits of the people in question would, invariably, be the end of them, and of course, a careful "terminal junkie" can avoid all manner of problems, and given that morphine and its derivatives can, caeteris paribus, slow metabolism, lower blood pressure and body temperature, regulate blood sugar levels, as well as other bodily processes., and have low toxicity in most cases -- they can be be taken without trouble, to the contrary potentially adding to lifespan, the people who are on narcotics and will be for the rest of their lives can expect two decades to a century of what, in a perfect world, would be a hobby like collecting stamps (no, actually, come to think of it doing drugs is a hobby like collecting stamps)


uiuikllllllllllllll


I think there was more, but right now a dose of hyoscine, ephedrine, and oxycodone just hit the base of my skull and it is a tad more difficult to focus, but no worries. Does anyone get the feeling of pressure on the back of the neck when narcotics, especially injectables, start to hit? That is a gorgeous feeling because I know that the bang will arrive in 30-45 seconds. I am wondering what exactly causes the sensation, and might it be related to the Straub tail effect in mice and rats?
 
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Man this is a good and very deep question. I’m 40 years old and I guess I’d consider myself to be a ‘functional addict’. But when I’m completely honest with myself what that essentially boils down to is a constant battle of keeping the balance right. I have always had a full time job and I’m married with a mortgage etc, but there are times (such as now) when it’s extremely hard to hang on to these things. I’ve just done 2 and a half years on bupe in a rehab program and it’s the cleanest I’ve ever been. Just managed to taper off that shit and guess what? Well no need to go into that. I guess my point is, I consider myself a functioning addict but it’s one hell of a tightrope!!
 
Xorkoth said:
I remained functional in terms of keeping my jobs and supporting myself while I was descending ever deeper into 10 years of opiate addiction. However I wanted to die by the end of it. Eventually I just realized that I couldn't love myself or actually progress and grow in life when I was a slave to opiates, so I managed to quit for good. I still use drugs and have had some much shorter and more easily broken addiction spirals, and in general I always struggle to not use too many drugs (except for psychedelics, those don't give me any problems). I am very committed to staying in control and not using anything daily or to function or to make myself feel fulfilled, simply because I have experienced that, and I have experienced getting past that, and every single time, my life is better when I am not a substance slave. Even if I'm good at "functioning", it's still no way to live.

Playing music is a better high than any drug. Doing something you love is a better feeling than any drug, whatever it is. A lot of people forget that, and it's no wonder because addictive drugs rewire our brains over time. I choose to still use drugs, despite an addictive personality, and I sometimes think it's a bad idea, and I sometimes am glad I do. But if I had to choose between the things that actually make me feel fulfilled, and the drugs that temporarily distract me or make me feel a rush of neurotransmitters... with no hesitation I would toss out the drugs.

I'm glad I don't have to choose... but I'm also very glad that I am usually sober these days, even though I still use drugs more than the average person.
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You made a great point here about ‘loving yourself’ that is exactly it! It’s so hard to do that when an addiction has a hold on you!!
 
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