Frustrated empath (very long post I'm sorry)

[misplaced energy]

I fell in love with someone.
We had known each other for ten years but we talked a online mostly. I met him once at a music event and we hit it off as friends. Over the years we lost touch.

I will cut a long story short here. We started to chat again and he told me he was djing at my favourite event last october which i knew was his dream. I went to support him and something sparked in both of us. We were very into each other. We talked about the future. I felt like he just got me. He always knew the right thing to say when I was struggling with my anxiety.

We live an hour and half bus journey away from each other so we onlyou had the odd weekend together and the relationship was brief but intense.

I dont want to go too much into my past but I am damaged. I struggle with commitment and so I pushed this guy away with my insecurities and anxiety. Well we pushed each other away. Everything happened too quickly. I spent Christmas with him and all of his family and he came back with me to meet mine but became homesick and irritable and anxious and I was always worried I was never good enough for him. We had a fight and he left the following day after telling me he loved me for the first time. I refused to accept it.
This guy I was and am so incredibly amazed by that I felt so inferior to him. He didn't make me and I think it made him anxious but I've never known anyone like him.

It ended with me leaving him on the 2nd of Jan. A few days after he returned home, after a phone call where he told me I should not drink so much as over the holidays I drank quite a lot.

I convinced myself it was not going to work because I felt I couldn't make him happy. The last couple of days we spent together he was moody and homesick and bored (he's so productive. He can't sit still for long he needs to be working on something)
In my head i told myself he was trying to control me because my ex partner was abusive and I'm still learning to be me again after 22 months. I'm still not there.
I so desperately want to there. I want to heal with him.

So I blocked everything out. I didn't deal with it I pushed it aside.

A few weeks later I went on a double date which I was completely uncomfortable and a photo of me sat on my date's knee was posted to Facebook which my ex saw.

He contacted me the following week which was the weekend just gone. It was so confusing. One minute he was saying he was happy for me. The next he said he could see it didn't look happy in the photo. He told me that was the final nail in the coffin for him to move on and in the same breathe told me he's hurt because I've moved on so quickly.
So unbelievably contradictory.
I could feel his frustration. He was talking about things he knew would make me feel. And oh my gosh it did.

I felt so much I couldn't process it. We spoke on the phone and he was saying one thing but I felt like he meant something else. A few freudian slips later I was convinced he wanted me back but couldn't admit it.

I laid my cards down and told him I still had feelings and he shot me down. He then began to try to tell me how to move on. He was so condescending. He seemed defensive.
The following morning I was angry. I told him so in a message I felt he had done it all on purpose to make me feel someone again because he's either jealous or hurting.

It went badly. He told me to go **** myself. I called him. He was angry at first but not for long. We talked and it felt comfortable again but I knew with what he said the night before it was probably the last time we'd talk as I told him I couldn't be just friends again.

He reached out to my friend after this. One he met the first time he came to see me. He talked about me. Said I wasn't doing well. He talked on and on about me and how I have issues but wouldn't mention anything about himself. He said he was worried if we tried again he would break my heart and that he just wants me to be happy but again he contradicted himself a lot. Was very closed off when she tried to talk about him. My friend believes he's scared.

Over this whole period we've talked i could feel he was in pain and it was hurting me. I dont know if it is the pain of jealously or because he still wants me. Or maybe just doesn't want anyone else to have me. I can't figure it out.

I took one last shot.
I wrote to him, you wanted to say your piece so now I'll say mine
I do and will continue to love everything you are.
I always have.
You're biggest fan.

He has not replied. It's only been a day but I'm lost.
I would not have laid my feelings out on the line had I not been sure there was something.
I feel hurt and foolish now like he's done it on purpose to hurt me. Now he knows I've not moved on (even though he saw himself I wasn't happy in the picture) he kept telling me he's moving on now because of me and that had I have contacted him a couple weeks ago maybe there would have been a chance. I know he said this to hurt me.

The thing is im an empath. I see things outside of the box and feel things that people feel but won't admit to.
I want to believe there's good in everyone so I don't want to believe for him and for my self that he hasn't just done this for revenge.

I know this post is unbelievably long so I worry I won't get a reply but I'm so lost. I want to try to move on but I miss him. I can't message him again I don't want to seem desperate.

 

[socko]

My impression is that he hadn't made up his mind about you. He needed space and time and hoped you would wait. Then he was shocked that you seemed to move on so fast. That's not really an answer. Maybe he will still come around.

 

[misplaced energy]

That's one of the things. He's takes his time with everything. Thinks everything through where as I'm very impulsive. He knows this about me. I was so patient with him when we were together. I genuinely was amazed by the way his mind worked. It fascinates me. The thing is I refuse to sit and hurt based on a maybe. I am so scared that he's doing all of this to hurt me (probably my own insecurities) that id rather rip the plaster off quick. I have left him with that now.

Thank you for your advice.

 

[misplaced energy]

I didn't move on. I just wanted to feel something again I was numb and hurt. He struggled to show me the attention I needed but I was prepared to work through that. It was something we discussed the other day. We both know where it went wrong and I genuinely thought because we recognised our faults we could work through it.

 

[socko]

Do you ever get the impression that he is self-absorbed? If he is completely into DJing (by doing this, he might be developing his career), he is going to have trouble finding time to give you enough attention. I'm completely making this up, but if this is the case, that's a hard place for him to be in - finding a balance between an absorbing kind of work and a relationship.

 

[misplaced energy]

He'd been single for 4 years before getting with me. He was ready to settle down. Wanted to get married have kids and further his career.
His djing is a small part of who he is.
He has another job which is his main job.
I was understanding of this. Of his busy schedule. I never asked to be a priority just that we made some time for each other. It was not the main issue. Just something that we touched upon whilst talking as it did make me a little insecure.
He is just very different to me. He's a procrastinator and doesn't rush anything. I'm the opposite. We are polar opposites but that's one thing I found fascinating about us.

I know hes scared that I'm not over my past and he's right to an extent I'm not but I want to be.
I'm ready to move on. I dont see myself with anyone else.
I just got very scared when I began to fall for him. I've not been in love since I met my abusive ex nearly 5 years ago.
Maybe the fact I ended things hurt him too much.
Maybe we just aren't compatible. ?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Um, it sounds like you guys aren't communicating at all! Geez, you break up with him, go on a double date with another guy, sit on his lap, then are surprised and hurt when he tells you that's the final nail, the relationship is over? You gave him clear signs that you weren't interested in continuing the relationship. You left him and went on another date with someone else.

So you guys talk and he says he's scared of hurting you again. Okay, this sounds normal. He doesn't want to hurt you again. Are you willing to take that leap? You seem like you want to try again so why don't you tell him...
Hey, I messed up by breaking up with you. I regret it. I did it because _______ blah blah blah ex shit. The only reason I went on that date was because ______ and it's crazy but I know you told me you love me and well, I think I love you to. I know you're scared of hurting me, but I think it's worth it. I really want to give this another try. Do you think we can? I miss you and really want to be with you again.

 

[misplaced energy]

I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again. The last time we spoke he told me I never made him happy. He completely knocked my confidence because that was my soul purpose. To make him and us happy.

I switched off. I didn't deal with our breakup. I refused to acknowledge it because it would be too painful. Subconsciously I was hurting inside and craved a bit of attention. It went badly. During the date I had my friend collect me as I was having a panic attack.

I've told him everything you said. I was open and honest about everything.

He was contradictory of himself. Nothing made sense. He changed his story so often. The reasons he contacted me.
I never asked him to contact me.
I never asked him to bring up every memory or say things that he knew would pull on my heart strings.
He did that intentionally then said he only messaged to say his piece and make friends but when I called him it was a different story.
He told me he wasn't over me and it brought all the feelings back.
He apologised for knocking my confidence. Said it was never his intention but he put his hands up to it.

He's just so confusing.
I feel like he just wanted to hurt me because it hurt him seeing me with someone else.

We have not spoke for a few days and it's been hard now I've had to face my feelings.
I'm guessing that is it. I never wanted to hurt him. Even when we broke up I never said anything to hurt him. I'm not that sort of person.
I guess that's that. I can understand where you are coming from and how it looks. Honestly I can.
I just wish things were different. ?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

People deal with being hurt in different ways. You go on dates with other guys.. and he claims that you never made him happy. It does sound like he was hurt by you and the situation so he just undervalued your guys' relationship by saying you never mad him happy. It's quite immature, tbh. I think they he did want to take a jab at you since you essentially "took a jab at him" with the date thing (honestly, you can explain it away but it's still very hurtful!!). I think after the damage was done and he realized how much he hurt you, he took it back and said that wasn't his intention. I don't think he realized how much it would affect you (maybe because he thought you were "over him" since you went out with another guy).

If you said everything that I and you felt like you needed to say then that's that. Nothing more you can do. If you told him you'd be willing to give it another shot and that you don't mind taking the risk of getting hurt... then the ball's in his court.

I would definitely suggest for you to avoid going on anymore dates though, at least until you get yourself together. Do some ME time. It seems like you've had some hard relationships so just focus on building yourself back up. You don't need a man. Just give yourself time to grow alone.

 

[misplaced energy]

I completely agree. I was single for a long time before we got together and I was Happy. I need some me time. I did leave the ball in his court. I understand it hurt him..I feel bad for that. Thankyou for your help.I appreciate it. I honestly think there's too mucheap water under the bridge on his part. I told him exactly how I feel and he shot me back. As much as i felt he didn't want to I can understand.
It's a huge shame. I saw a future with this man.
He did with me. It was just too much too soon
?thankyou again

 

[pofacedhoe]

wow, you two are bad communicators.

so he leaves everything to the last minute and doesn't given you the attention you want. how much attention do you need?

people have different expectations for a relationship.

either keep in contact with the hope of rekindling or just stop contacting each other to trigger emotional response

 

[misplaced energy]

He wanted to be friends. I struggle to maintain a friendship with someone that I still have feelings for. I've cut communication to give him space.

I dont need nor want constant attention. A simple text in the morning. A phone call in the evening but I'd often not contact him if I felt he was busy because I didn't want to bug him and it upset me that I felt that way. I wanted to tell him little things I was doing. Always said good morning in a message when we couldn't be together. Sometimes i would not hear back for hours. It was something that I was learning from though. How to be patient.

I have never had trouble communicating with him.
Just him me.
I have always told him how I'm feeling. And was always available for him. It just felt one sided and he recognised that. He said it's one of the reasons his last relationship broke down and something he needs to work on. I've always been full of compromise. Willing to do what it takes to make things run smoothly.

On the other hand he wasn't. He would apologise if he was in the wrong about something.
We had really good communication. It's just now.
He told me one thing then said another contradicting what he'd said before. When I questioned it I still never got a straight answer.
Communication was never a problem on my part.
I refuse to badger him now though. What's done is done.
I told him how I feel and he has disregarded it completely.
I thought I was right and that he still had feelings for me but clearly he was just jealous of me moving on so quickly and wanted to contact me because of that.
It was unfair the way he did it.

He gave me false hope.
The last message I sent was very hard for me to write as I told him that I loved him he and rejected me. It's his birthday tomorrow and I told him I'd planned to wish him a happy birthday regardless of him getting in contact. I'm not so sure it's a good idea. I'm just coming to terms with everything.
He's not interested.

 

[pofacedhoe]

well he sounds like a waste of time.

also i cease contact with people i'm trying to get over "being friends" is for long after i am over them, however long that will take

some people like the idea of someone being into them more than the relationship itself, hence they keep digging open the breakup wound to plunder it for ego inflating juices

 

[Lylawinesnob]

Find yourself. Fall in love with yourself. I was in an abusive relationship and I drank too much. My ex had stolen all of my money, wrecked my car, wrecked my face and broken anything I liked. He made me scared to be myself until I lost myself. Find yourself, and fall in love. I know it is easier said than done, but forget him. Forget them all. Forget everyone if it helps you discover you. You must know yourself, work on yourself, love your self before you can love anyone else. When you have been broken you have to rebuild yourself. Do this, and then the right person will come. Or not, who cares? You have yourself, and that person is everything you could want.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

He wanted to be friends. I struggle to maintain a friendship with someone that I still have feelings for. I've cut communication to give him space.

I dont need nor want constant attention. A simple text in the morning. A phone call in the evening but I'd often not contact him if I felt he was busy because I didn't want to bug him and it upset me that I felt that way. I wanted to tell him little things I was doing. Always said good morning in a message when we couldn't be together. Sometimes i would not hear back for hours. It was something that I was learning from though. How to be patient.

I have never had trouble communicating with him.
Just him me.
I have always told him how I'm feeling. And was always available for him. It just felt one sided and he recognised that. He said it's one of the reasons his last relationship broke down and something he needs to work on. I've always been full of compromise. Willing to do what it takes to make things run smoothly.

On the other hand he wasn't. He would apologise if he was in the wrong about something.
We had really good communication. It's just now.
He told me one thing then said another contradicting what he'd said before. When I questioned it I still never got a straight answer.
Communication was never a problem on my part.
I refuse to badger him now though. What's done is done.
I told him how I feel and he has disregarded it completely.
I thought I was right and that he still had feelings for me but clearly he was just jealous of me moving on so quickly and wanted to contact me because of that.
It was unfair the way he did it.

He gave me false hope.
The last message I sent was very hard for me to write as I told him that I loved him he and rejected me. It's his birthday tomorrow and I told him I'd planned to wish him a happy birthday regardless of him getting in contact. I'm not so sure it's a good idea. I'm just coming to terms with everything.
He's not interested.

Don't wish him happy birthday. You sent him a nice long, heart dumping message, and he rejected you. Time to move on. He'll probably be looking forward to a birthday wish for you and will be sad when he doesn't get it. Hurts don't it? Got to make him miss you hun!