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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Frustrated but I sincerely think......

C

Craigerst

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 24, 2015
Messages
18
Am I kidding myself? I truly believe if I could source 120 tablets of my DOC instead of the 60 I am allowed it would remove me from my 20 days of every month of very dangerous drug abuse that is slowly but steadily slipping out of control. I will try to be short. Many years ago I was prescribed my DOC legitimately. At one stage I could get around 200 tabs a month but I slowly let it run out of control. If I could get 300 a month I would of attempted 300 piece of cake. The side effects were noticeable and I "confessed " to Doctor. I needed the scripts for legit pain but I was abusing them. We are now at 60 a month which works out to 2 a day. The Dr. goal was to get me off entirely. If I could function at 2 a day and live a normal life I was all for it. I use up my script in 10-14 days depending on the pain. The Dr thinks I am using 2 per day. The reality is I require 4 a day realistically.

I now self medicate from street and find myself constantly experimenting and mixing to tolerate the pain and addiction on the other days. As a example the last couple or few months to tolerate pain and probably treat my addiction I have purchased and used the following to get by. I have to use what is available on the street and find myself taking huge risks. My opiate tolerance is huge as you can expect seeing from the list. Percosets 5 mg, Tylenol 3s, Fentanyl 100mcg patches (rare find), Dilaudid, 20 mg oxycodone(they look homemade) coke1/2 gram a day, grey goose vodka, k50 morphine caps, mdma, zanax. These are just the ones that come to mind. Yes, I have had some dangerous trips. I can eat huge amounts of these since this has been going on about 6 months.

The logical thing to do is to approach Dr. and be truthful but I cannot get myself to do it. If he discovers I have been misleading him to still get the 60 I get I am terrified I would lose the 60. When I am on DOC I eat well, function great and pain free. When DOC is not there I am abusing myself horribly and spending huge amounts of money. I research everything I get closely (the research caused me to stop mixing Grey Goose or any alcohol in my mess) Sometimes and expessioly with the 20mg oxys nobody knows whats in them unless you made them. the 80mg greens of the same thing caused some real problems. All my others are legit pharmacy pills. The coke is fine and I know coke now.

I am real new to Bluelight. I will stop this post unless it gets some attn. It would take pages to tell my story and I am not sure anyone is interested or sees the position I am in.

The bottom line is I could function on 4 a day but I only get 2. When I have none days are surely going to kill me in the next year. What do I do. 90 in 90 yadda yadda yadda. Trust me trhe NN or NA just does not work for me. I legit require the meds for pain. If you can except that and offer advise I would sure appreciate it.
 
Welcome and like you I was scripted my DOC and blew through it. I got the increase but I disregarded my history and all it did was increase my use. That's how it goes. I think I got it or I know what's enough but it's never enough. Ever. It's just an easier excuse to take an extra here and there that rapidly turns into every time and then some. Unless I had someone trustable managing it for me it got out of control. If you have a need but also have a desire then you need extra help to ensure you take it as directed I'd say. I have understanding doctors now but it's not always that way. If you can correct things this next round and have support from someone then give yourself a chance but I wouldn't risk being the only one to ensure that even if you tell your doctor after the fact that you're concerned and request dosing a week at a time or whatever they may suggest. I too had a tendency to compensate from the outside on off days and it goes bad quick! Be safe! PM me any time.
 
please forgive me for not adding anything to help, but I googled it and couldn't find anything... I have my suspicions, but what are you referring to by DOC?
 
Oh, lol. that occurred to me for a brief second. But the way you guys were talking I thought it was an abbreviation for an actual medication/drug. fml. that's a little embarrassing
 
No worries I do it to with other ones I've seen like FFS which as I read the post aloud I could only come up with For Fuck Sake haha!
 
Get on methadone or find a new doctor. You proved to your previous doctor you can't be trusted on IR pain management. You can't force a doctor to treat you, best to just take it in stride.
 
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Thank you for sharing! This is a very common thinking progress. You talk yourself into wanting or needing more medication per day. I have relentless pain that drives me crazy. Sometimes when I go to my Pain Management doctor my tailbone and hips were inflamed. It takes 2 min to drive there. I have a good seat too.

My Hx (history) I have been taking pain meds for Idk 5 years... We will go with that. I started taking T3 and at the time I took 1/8-1/16th of a tablet. I had a low low tolerance. Slowly over time I ended up taking 120 Lorcet's then I took Soma's. I worked my way up to 90 Somas a month too. The pain would not stop. I had brief reliefs from pain. I tried Fentanyl patches and they worked as long as I had (2 TABS) T4 for break through pain and 10 or 20 mg of Valium a day. Then I tried Butrans patch that worked well. Very well. But I had a rash that looked like a dogs hot spot by day 7. So then I was on Morphine ER 30 mg and T4 BID (Twice a day) and 10 mg Valium. Then the pain would not stop. I was in the hospital for uncontrollable pain. They gave me Dilaudid IV I had no relief. I felt nothing. It scared the Fucking Shit out of me. I had no rescue relief available for emergency situations.

Then I tried cold turkey with a small taper off my meds because I ran out. I miss calculated my dosage and my day to go in and I was out. I was in a place I never been before. I took the WD like a boss. I suffered. I cursed life. I wanted to die. I will keep those memories to keep me on a straight path. I ended up almost dying. I was in the hospital for a 5 days. Diarrhea and Vomiting is life threatening. I went 2 weeks before seeking help. I was honest. They treated me human. I recovered. I continued on my goal.

I will always be in Chronic Pain. I accept it. What I don't accept is medication or anything having a hold of my life. I'm STRONGER than that.


I really became serious about decreasing my daily dosage. At this point I am prescribed 3 T4 and 10 mg Valium. I take 1 T4 and 2.5-5 mg divided BID (Twice a day). It took me 8 months to get here. I could not have done it without Marijuana. Pain relief, WD relief, It took away my chest pain, I ate, No restless leg, I slept, and I was optimistic. So I substituted one pain relief for another (controversial). If something isn't working try something else. I have been on this plan for 4 months. I feel I am almost ready to cut my evening dose in half. :) It's not a race either every one has the pace they have to take.... I am competitive so beating goals work for me. It is my motivation.... Each tablet that I save at the end of the month is like a trophy. It is an awesome feeling to know you are in control of your body.

This is my story and this is what help I could offer you. Pain Medications are evil. Start hating them and sooner or later you will slow down or meet your goal. If you are ever in medical trouble go to the ER (Emergency room).

Also, look up hyperalgesia. It is real. It is from the brain shutting off endorphins and letting the medications take over you while grow more pain receptors. You feel more pain. You take more meds. You grow receptors. You take more meds...... The receptors that grew do go back to normal over time. It took mine about 2 months. But Im sure there are more that need to go.

Here is some advice, wisdom, knowledge, and honesty. BTW, Yes My back is killing me right now but its part of my life.
 
Coraline said:
Thank you for sharing! This is a very common thinking progress. You talk yourself into wanting or needing more medication per day. I have relentless pain that drives me crazy. Sometimes when I go to my Pain Management doctor my tailbone and hips were inflamed. It takes 2 min to drive there. I have a good seat too.

My Hx (history) I have been taking pain meds for Idk 5 years... We will go with that. I started taking T3 and at the time I took 1/8-1/16th of a tablet. I had a low low tolerance. Slowly over time I ended up taking 120 Lorcet's then I took Soma's. I worked my way up to 90 Somas a month too. The pain would not stop. I had brief reliefs from pain. I tried Fentanyl patches and they worked as long as I had (2 TABS) T4 for break through pain and 10 or 20 mg of Valium a day. Then I tried Butrans patch that worked well. Very well. But I had a rash that looked like a dogs hot spot by day 7. So then I was on Morphine ER 30 mg and T4 BID (Twice a day) and 10 mg Valium. Then the pain would not stop. I was in the hospital for uncontrollable pain. They gave me Dilaudid IV I had no relief. I felt nothing. It scared the Fucking Shit out of me. I had no rescue relief available for emergency situations.

Then I tried cold turkey with a small taper off my meds because I ran out. I miss calculated my dosage and my day to go in and I was out. I was in a place I never been before. I took the WD like a boss. I suffered. I cursed life. I wanted to die. I will keep those memories to keep me on a straight path. I ended up almost dying. I was in the hospital for a 5 days. Diarrhea and Vomiting is life threatening. I went 2 weeks before seeking help. I was honest. They treated me human. I recovered. I continued on my goal.

I will always be in Chronic Pain. I accept it. What I don't accept is medication or anything having a hold of my life. I'm STRONGER than that.


I really became serious about decreasing my daily dosage. At this point I am prescribed 3 T4 and 10 mg Valium. I take 1 T4 and 2.5-5 mg divided BID (Twice a day). It took me 8 months to get here. I could not have done it without Marijuana. Pain relief, WD relief, It took away my chest pain, I ate, No restless leg, I slept, and I was optimistic. So I substituted one pain relief for another (controversial). If something isn't working try something else. I have been on this plan for 4 months. I feel I am almost ready to cut my evening dose in half. :) It's not a race either every one has the pace they have to take.... I am competitive so beating goals work for me. It is my motivation.... Each tablet that I save at the end of the month is like a trophy. It is an awesome feeling to know you are in control of your body.

This is my story and this is what help I could offer you. Pain Medications are evil. Start hating them and sooner or later you will slow down or meet your goal. If you are ever in medical trouble go to the ER (Emergency room).

Also, look up hyperalgesia. It is real. It is from the brain shutting off endorphins and letting the medications take over you while grow more pain receptors. You feel more pain. You take more meds. You grow receptors. You take more meds...... The receptors that grew do go back to normal over time. It took mine about 2 months. But Im sure there are more that need to go.

Here is some advice, wisdom, knowledge, and honesty. BTW, Yes My back is killing me right now but its part of my life.
Click to expand...

Excellent post.

Part of realizing that you may have a problem monitoring your medications is acceptance. When it came to my benzos I would blow through my script and be in withdrawal near the end of the month. I saw two options. Continue upping my dose (10mg xanax ~90mg temazepam) which was not sustainable, or throw out the playbook and try something different.

I ended up going to my doctor to request a taper...which I got, and I handed my medication off to a family member that would only give me my prescribed dose at the prescribed time. I knew that if I had the medications in my hands, I would use them. I had to accept that I could not control my benzo intake on my own and needed to ask for help.

It was a hard road, but now I rarely take a benzo. Maybe once or twice in two weeks. I actually have noticed a remission of some of my anxiety problems as well.

This is just my experience.
 
This is pretty much an exhibition of addictive behavior. We don't pass judgement on anyone here (officially), but we all have had thoughts along the lines of "if I had ____ , then my habit would be under control". It's easy to imagine. I often think, if I made twice as much money weekly, I would never want for anything, including drugs. The truth is however, that with drugs, the possibilities are endless. Tolerance can be stretched farther than you would ever imagine.

One of the finer points of pain management is separating genuine pain and addiction. In that same vein, although Cocaine and Vodka might help you in the short term, in the long term, they will destroy you. Getting "fucked up" and pain relief are not the same thing here and you're beginning to blur the lines greatly.

Your comments about the 12 steps are pretty much commonplace among users. I think that, sure, some people gneuinely can't mesh their personalities with the protocols of the program, but the majority just aren't ready to be clean. This mentality shines forth as "well, I just don't agree with the 12 steps" more often than not. I think, that if you want to keep whatever semblance of pain control you have currently, you need to quit the stimulants and other bullshit. Once you have done this, approach your Doctor. At least then, you can stand on your own two feet and say "drug test me".
 
Thank you!

I want to be able to take one once or twice a week. Thats awesome! That is a big achievement. Congratulations manboychef!

I have handed my medication to my boyfriend. It worked well. It ended up just sitting on the dresser. I would not touch it. To me the medication being there on the dresser was the same as it being in the safe. I also started putting my daily dose out to see what I had for the day. Then I did it myself. But it is a slippery slope. At first I did not know how I would make it stretch. It looked liked nothing to me. But as I adjusted to it, it looked like a lot.

I have noticed with my decrease in pain in some areas. Some areas the pain is no more or so mild it's not worth mentioning. My main problems... Yeah... it can be really bad.. when I have flare ups it tests me. When I need an extra tablet it works. I know that. That helps my psyche so much it decreases my anxiety and pain levels. Plus Marijuana really works for me. It was my best friend in my darkest hour. Also, I never knew it but I was treating my pain when I was a teen. I just didn't know I was in pain. I thought these sensations were normal. When that's all you know... you know nothing different. I really cant stress it enough how much Marijuana has helped me in this journey. I honestly don't think I would be successful with it.
 
have you considered methadone?
you should be sincerely grateful you have a doctor who didn't completely drop you on your ass as soon as you admitted you had a problem w/ addiction.
seriously.
 
tightlywound said:
have you considered methadone?
you should be sincerely grateful you have a doctor who didn't completely drop you on your ass as soon as you admitted you had a problem w/ addiction.
seriously.
Click to expand...

This isn't really a helpful comment dude. OP is going through a tough time and is looking for advice, not fire and brimstone regarding their past behavior.

Now, OP, I don't think that there's anything wrong with using Cannabis to help you treat your pain. Anything that helps with the pain without causing you to escalate your Opioid dose is a plus, as long as your prescriber is more or less on board with your decision.
 
It is my opinion that you can either have pain relief or you can get high. You can't have both and if you have chronic pain and want relief you should find another class of drugs to have fun with. Even just trying to have fun and get high a few times a month is enough to jack up your tolerance so that it does less and less for your pain. You just can't have both.

You need to take your meds just as proscribed. Once you start taking more, altering the meds such as crushing them, and taking a different way such as snorting or plugging, you are going to trash your tolerance and will no longer be able to control pain. If you need to give meds to someone you can trust to give them when needed, then do so. I think they even make safes that dispense the med at the right time that a pharmacist can load each month. Might could say you have had some stolen and aren't good at keeping track of when it's time for next dose and see if they can supply one without saying your an addict. Also, if your meds aren't controlling your pain, then immediately tell your Dr and let him make adjustments.

If you need to get high, find something else you can have fun with. But if you need opiates for pain, don't just abuse a different type of opiates. Find something else. Or better yet, don't abuse anything.

Good luck with it all!
 
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