I have this dilemma and I have a guess at the obvious answer. But like most people who seek the pleasures of opiates, we generally do not go with the morally right decision. I do understand that not everyone is in the same situations as some take it for medical issues, some for fun, and some because they are enslaved to it. I am the much latter of the three. Although I do take it for recreational, enjoying purposes, I do have a history with this evil lover. Back when I was at home (currently in Oz with relatives) in the states, I was a daily, multiple times a day, can't go a few hours without losing it, IV heroin user. In the back of my mind, I really felt like this relationship, although can take breaks, will never truely end.
With my story comes all the common attributes of a fully addicted, morally broken, physically and mentally shaken being. I do not want to play the blame game with what became of my life thus far, but this is one thing I use to do to the max (im talking never blaming myself and always the external being the cause). Now I know that ultimately, it is on me. I wont go into detail of my life but will say that I did lose my father to brain cancer at age 9, dealt with multiple medical issues from age 15-present, deal with anxiety, depression, social phobia although this is getting better, and much more. These experience I was not ready for, but then again, who is. The medical issues were mainly rare infections causing mental and physical scarring, losing my social life (my fault), and becoming dependent of all substances. That is, until I met IV heroin.
After I learned of the IV, other drugs did not interest me much, as heroin IVed provided and fulfilled all that I craved. I felt love. Although this lover is abusive and evil, it knew no limits to get you back. I became dark for this lover, I would break my moral codes for it, steal, lie, cheat, whatever it was. After 3-4 years of abuse, I was riddened with tracks and broken all over again. It wasn't until I HAD to stop that I did. I had been infected again, this time with Infective Endocarditis. I was rushed to ER by ambulence and do not recall the first two weeks inside the hospital. I had surguries done and every type of scan known taken, multiple times. This infection was inside my heart, lungs, and veins. They told me if I were a few days late, I would not be here. After they took care of the big stuff, I still had to live at the hospital for 2 months being given several IV's, pills, and check-up scans to see how much the infection had lessened. I am doing much better today, although I will probably be living with this infection of the heart for the rest of my life, as long as I manage it, Im sure I can live quite fully. I am free of heroin today and only seem to go through PAWS but withdrawal-wise I am clear of. PAWS is probably worse in many aspects and you all know well why.
So after I left the hospital I came to Oz and its been a little over a month since Ive been here. As of today, I had been taking OTC codeine CWE every other day, sometimes 3-4 days straight with pretty much no serious withdrawal symptom in sight. Although I can wake up a bit anxious and see myself daydream about using, this is more the PAWS from my previous more severe addiction rather than this little codeine bender I have been on for about 2 weeks, maybe a few days more. I wanted to ask, should I continue to use codeine like this as long as I see that it is not getting out of control and causing serious problems? Or should I stop everyone all together? I know the obvious answer is the latter, but you see I was heavily dependent on benzos for medical purposes and took a lot of strong opiates because of my heart condtion causing heart related issues.
As of now, I take nothing, I mean nothing. An asprin here and there and codeine for both recreational/medicinal purposes. When I breath deeply, I feel the infection in my heart, it hurts and so I cant cough, yawn, or hiccup without tearing up. The codeine helps the pain and also brings about a sense of calm and peace in me. I know this is a huge step because the old me, taking all the codeine in the world would give zero effects. My tolerance was insane to say the least. Now my tolerance to most everything is lowered to the point where CWE codeine of a 24-pack will bring on good effects. I know this cant continue forever as this can become just as ugly, but as long as I can keep it under control (dose only one time in the day and take days off without w/d), should I continue this crutch? Please let me know what your advice is, as I have to live with this infection in my heart now and am not making excuses. THey had me on methadone and oxy for the pain from it but now I take none of that. Deal with the daily pain knowing I have a history, or try and maintain control with it?
With my story comes all the common attributes of a fully addicted, morally broken, physically and mentally shaken being. I do not want to play the blame game with what became of my life thus far, but this is one thing I use to do to the max (im talking never blaming myself and always the external being the cause). Now I know that ultimately, it is on me. I wont go into detail of my life but will say that I did lose my father to brain cancer at age 9, dealt with multiple medical issues from age 15-present, deal with anxiety, depression, social phobia although this is getting better, and much more. These experience I was not ready for, but then again, who is. The medical issues were mainly rare infections causing mental and physical scarring, losing my social life (my fault), and becoming dependent of all substances. That is, until I met IV heroin.
After I learned of the IV, other drugs did not interest me much, as heroin IVed provided and fulfilled all that I craved. I felt love. Although this lover is abusive and evil, it knew no limits to get you back. I became dark for this lover, I would break my moral codes for it, steal, lie, cheat, whatever it was. After 3-4 years of abuse, I was riddened with tracks and broken all over again. It wasn't until I HAD to stop that I did. I had been infected again, this time with Infective Endocarditis. I was rushed to ER by ambulence and do not recall the first two weeks inside the hospital. I had surguries done and every type of scan known taken, multiple times. This infection was inside my heart, lungs, and veins. They told me if I were a few days late, I would not be here. After they took care of the big stuff, I still had to live at the hospital for 2 months being given several IV's, pills, and check-up scans to see how much the infection had lessened. I am doing much better today, although I will probably be living with this infection of the heart for the rest of my life, as long as I manage it, Im sure I can live quite fully. I am free of heroin today and only seem to go through PAWS but withdrawal-wise I am clear of. PAWS is probably worse in many aspects and you all know well why.
So after I left the hospital I came to Oz and its been a little over a month since Ive been here. As of today, I had been taking OTC codeine CWE every other day, sometimes 3-4 days straight with pretty much no serious withdrawal symptom in sight. Although I can wake up a bit anxious and see myself daydream about using, this is more the PAWS from my previous more severe addiction rather than this little codeine bender I have been on for about 2 weeks, maybe a few days more. I wanted to ask, should I continue to use codeine like this as long as I see that it is not getting out of control and causing serious problems? Or should I stop everyone all together? I know the obvious answer is the latter, but you see I was heavily dependent on benzos for medical purposes and took a lot of strong opiates because of my heart condtion causing heart related issues.
As of now, I take nothing, I mean nothing. An asprin here and there and codeine for both recreational/medicinal purposes. When I breath deeply, I feel the infection in my heart, it hurts and so I cant cough, yawn, or hiccup without tearing up. The codeine helps the pain and also brings about a sense of calm and peace in me. I know this is a huge step because the old me, taking all the codeine in the world would give zero effects. My tolerance was insane to say the least. Now my tolerance to most everything is lowered to the point where CWE codeine of a 24-pack will bring on good effects. I know this cant continue forever as this can become just as ugly, but as long as I can keep it under control (dose only one time in the day and take days off without w/d), should I continue this crutch? Please let me know what your advice is, as I have to live with this infection in my heart now and am not making excuses. THey had me on methadone and oxy for the pain from it but now I take none of that. Deal with the daily pain knowing I have a history, or try and maintain control with it?
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