ava_adore
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2015
- Messages
- 24
Hey everyone
I'm a really long term lurker on BL, but I really need help with something, so I decided to actually register and post about a situation I'm having at the moment.
I've got a Friends with Benefits (FWB from now on) situation with a guy. I'm a 34 year old female and he's 28. I know I'm far too old to be having problems with things like this but there's reasons why I'm only experiencing things like this now. I'll try and give you a run down without it taking too long.
I first met this guy (K) through the local rave scene. He added me on Facebook but we never talked privately and contact was mostly him liking and commenting on a lot of my posts and profile pictures. At this stage I felt a bit of a connection with him but I didn't want to do anything about it.
About seven months ago, we started chatting privately, and I was in the middle of a terrible breakup with a guy. I ended up deactivating my Facebook profile because of the break up but I realised I didn't want to lose touch with K so I messaged him from my dummy profile and gave him my number.
He was a wonderful support throughout the time it took me to get over the breakup. He came over and hung out a few times, and a half hour cup of tea would turn into six hours of deep chats.
Eventually we'd be in touch most days either by text or over Facebook. He'd always be the one to initiate contact, I never chased it, but I was always happy to hear from him. Eventually things got a bit flirtatious between us.
I have problems with sex due to being sexually assaulted at 15 and again at 22. He knows about that, he knows I didn't enjoy sex, and he knew that I hadn't had sex sober in 7 years since my last serious relationship broke up.
Eventually the flirting lead to us sleeping together. He texted the next day apologising that it wasn't romantic enough and that it would be next time. Sure enough, next time was more romantic, and both those times the physical connection was just incredible, he was more into me getting off than himself and he was very careful with me.
His work involves travelling a lot during the summer, it also involves a lot of partying (DJ), and he had to go away for about a month but he kept in touch most days by text or Facebook. Again, he mostly initiated the contact. When he came home he went straight to his live-in day job for a week but came to pick me up on his way home from his day job before he'd even been back to change. He took me out for the day, initially I was worried as he barely spoke for the first hour, but then things were great and we had a really great time. We slept together again that night and it was amazing again.
When he dropped me off, he told me he'd be away DJing again for another month, but I'd see him at one of the gigs, and again he kept in touch with me. When I got to the festival we were both at, his contact was sporadic at best, and I only saw him twice. Once to drop off some alcohol for him and then again at 5am on the Monday morning after the festival closed. He introduced me to his guy friends and then just sort of wandered off. I left, he came after me and we hugged for a good 10 minutes. He walked away, then walked back and kissed me, then looked embarassed, then went back inside the area he was DJing in.
After that there was eight days of nothing, then he got in touch and said he'd had shitty signal, and then we exchanged some intimate texts. We have done that a lot since he's been away, a few photos, a phone call too.
The general rule of thumb when he's DJing is I'll get the hot texts about 7am after the first night he's partied, then nothing for a good three or four days, then he'll get in touch once the comedown has gone.
At the end of the most recent month he went back to the day job and texted me saying "I can't believe I'll see you in a matter of days" but then got a last minute ticket to a festival after the day job finished. Then I got the usual 7am text saying "I can't believe I'll see you this weekend".
Much like last time, he made arrangements to pick me up on the way home, but then he cancelled on me at the last minute after I'd left work early to meet him. Since then, we've chatted briefly by text and on Facebook, but this time through my initiation. I've tried initiating contact in the past but while he always responds, he only really talks when he's initiated it. It's always text or Facebook.
You've probably guessed by now that I have feelings for him that run a bit deeper than FWB, and I've been struggling with how to handle it, as he's already said he only wants sex but thinks we have a connection. We do have a connection, loads in common, physically compatible and we come from very different backgrounds but have some of the same heritage. I've not yet had a chance to tell him that I have caught feelings.
Basically, since he got back from that festival, he's really been distant, and I don't know why. He said to me way back at the start that if either of us was unhappy or stressed out with the situation that we should tell the other one, and he's not said he's unhappy. Right up to just over a week ago he wanted to spend time with me. It's not so much that I'm expecting it to be romantic, or even that we'll have sex, I actually just want to see him as he's my friend and I also need to think about telling him that I have feelings for him so that we can deal with them.
The two times I've initiated contact with him, he's chatted, the first time was just about food and what TV show he was watching and the second time was just him worrying about his van.
Normally when he's at work we'll chat for hours at times on Facebook chat, but he's not been chatting to me, and after the last pretty unsuccessful attempts at talking to him I'm scared to keep chasing it. Although he's not talking to me via chat, he keeps liking my posts and profile pictures.
A week ago I did tell him that I needed to talk to him, and I intended to tell him about my feelings, to see how we could move forward. He was on the phone so I said it was ok, and he never followed up, and when he did contact me it was like nothing happened.
I guess I just really don't know what to do now. Obviously I have feelings for him, which intensifies the feelings of worry about why he's not chatting away like he used to, and I don't know if it's me or if there's something going on. He doesn't like to talk about feelings and I'm at a point now where I'm scared to ask. It's making me absolutely miserable and insecure, and I know a lot of that is on me, but I just can't deal with the constant worry. I have anxiety issues, which I used to be medicated for, I don't know if that's why it's feeling so bad.
Should I try and talk to him again? He's been showing as offline on Facebook chat but he's still online liking posts, so I'm guessing if he's not on chat he's not wanting to talk. I don't know. The few people that I've been able to talk to have said that they think I should just leave it up to him, as I have made a few efforts to talk to him, and he just keeps shutting me down.
I feel totally embarassed writing all this down, I sound like a love-sick teenager, but due to the two sexual assaults I've suffered in my life I do not have the life experience that a lot of people would have by my age in dealing with this sort of stuff. I get the feeling that he's maybe just not that into me anymore, but I just can't understand how that could change in a week, or why he won't just say it because he's such a blunt person that I can't imagine it'd be that hard for him.
I thought that I would give it another week, not push him for contact, and see what if anything happens next. I know he's not a bad guy and his head is probably minced after the summer, I just really need to know what's going on so that I can either move on or tell him how I feel - either (and it's so unlikely) he'll feel the same or he won't - in which case we can have an adult discussion about how we can drop the benefits from the friendship, and see if time and a bit of a space will put things back to normal.
If you made it this far, I thank you ever so much, I'm just struggling so much with this and I don't know what to do. I'm not in love with him but as a friend I love him to bits, he's so important to my life, and I never thought I'd catch feelings for him like I have.
I'm a really long term lurker on BL, but I really need help with something, so I decided to actually register and post about a situation I'm having at the moment.
I've got a Friends with Benefits (FWB from now on) situation with a guy. I'm a 34 year old female and he's 28. I know I'm far too old to be having problems with things like this but there's reasons why I'm only experiencing things like this now. I'll try and give you a run down without it taking too long.
I first met this guy (K) through the local rave scene. He added me on Facebook but we never talked privately and contact was mostly him liking and commenting on a lot of my posts and profile pictures. At this stage I felt a bit of a connection with him but I didn't want to do anything about it.
About seven months ago, we started chatting privately, and I was in the middle of a terrible breakup with a guy. I ended up deactivating my Facebook profile because of the break up but I realised I didn't want to lose touch with K so I messaged him from my dummy profile and gave him my number.
He was a wonderful support throughout the time it took me to get over the breakup. He came over and hung out a few times, and a half hour cup of tea would turn into six hours of deep chats.
Eventually we'd be in touch most days either by text or over Facebook. He'd always be the one to initiate contact, I never chased it, but I was always happy to hear from him. Eventually things got a bit flirtatious between us.
I have problems with sex due to being sexually assaulted at 15 and again at 22. He knows about that, he knows I didn't enjoy sex, and he knew that I hadn't had sex sober in 7 years since my last serious relationship broke up.
Eventually the flirting lead to us sleeping together. He texted the next day apologising that it wasn't romantic enough and that it would be next time. Sure enough, next time was more romantic, and both those times the physical connection was just incredible, he was more into me getting off than himself and he was very careful with me.
His work involves travelling a lot during the summer, it also involves a lot of partying (DJ), and he had to go away for about a month but he kept in touch most days by text or Facebook. Again, he mostly initiated the contact. When he came home he went straight to his live-in day job for a week but came to pick me up on his way home from his day job before he'd even been back to change. He took me out for the day, initially I was worried as he barely spoke for the first hour, but then things were great and we had a really great time. We slept together again that night and it was amazing again.
When he dropped me off, he told me he'd be away DJing again for another month, but I'd see him at one of the gigs, and again he kept in touch with me. When I got to the festival we were both at, his contact was sporadic at best, and I only saw him twice. Once to drop off some alcohol for him and then again at 5am on the Monday morning after the festival closed. He introduced me to his guy friends and then just sort of wandered off. I left, he came after me and we hugged for a good 10 minutes. He walked away, then walked back and kissed me, then looked embarassed, then went back inside the area he was DJing in.
After that there was eight days of nothing, then he got in touch and said he'd had shitty signal, and then we exchanged some intimate texts. We have done that a lot since he's been away, a few photos, a phone call too.
The general rule of thumb when he's DJing is I'll get the hot texts about 7am after the first night he's partied, then nothing for a good three or four days, then he'll get in touch once the comedown has gone.
At the end of the most recent month he went back to the day job and texted me saying "I can't believe I'll see you in a matter of days" but then got a last minute ticket to a festival after the day job finished. Then I got the usual 7am text saying "I can't believe I'll see you this weekend".
Much like last time, he made arrangements to pick me up on the way home, but then he cancelled on me at the last minute after I'd left work early to meet him. Since then, we've chatted briefly by text and on Facebook, but this time through my initiation. I've tried initiating contact in the past but while he always responds, he only really talks when he's initiated it. It's always text or Facebook.
You've probably guessed by now that I have feelings for him that run a bit deeper than FWB, and I've been struggling with how to handle it, as he's already said he only wants sex but thinks we have a connection. We do have a connection, loads in common, physically compatible and we come from very different backgrounds but have some of the same heritage. I've not yet had a chance to tell him that I have caught feelings.
Basically, since he got back from that festival, he's really been distant, and I don't know why. He said to me way back at the start that if either of us was unhappy or stressed out with the situation that we should tell the other one, and he's not said he's unhappy. Right up to just over a week ago he wanted to spend time with me. It's not so much that I'm expecting it to be romantic, or even that we'll have sex, I actually just want to see him as he's my friend and I also need to think about telling him that I have feelings for him so that we can deal with them.
The two times I've initiated contact with him, he's chatted, the first time was just about food and what TV show he was watching and the second time was just him worrying about his van.
Normally when he's at work we'll chat for hours at times on Facebook chat, but he's not been chatting to me, and after the last pretty unsuccessful attempts at talking to him I'm scared to keep chasing it. Although he's not talking to me via chat, he keeps liking my posts and profile pictures.
A week ago I did tell him that I needed to talk to him, and I intended to tell him about my feelings, to see how we could move forward. He was on the phone so I said it was ok, and he never followed up, and when he did contact me it was like nothing happened.
I guess I just really don't know what to do now. Obviously I have feelings for him, which intensifies the feelings of worry about why he's not chatting away like he used to, and I don't know if it's me or if there's something going on. He doesn't like to talk about feelings and I'm at a point now where I'm scared to ask. It's making me absolutely miserable and insecure, and I know a lot of that is on me, but I just can't deal with the constant worry. I have anxiety issues, which I used to be medicated for, I don't know if that's why it's feeling so bad.
Should I try and talk to him again? He's been showing as offline on Facebook chat but he's still online liking posts, so I'm guessing if he's not on chat he's not wanting to talk. I don't know. The few people that I've been able to talk to have said that they think I should just leave it up to him, as I have made a few efforts to talk to him, and he just keeps shutting me down.
I feel totally embarassed writing all this down, I sound like a love-sick teenager, but due to the two sexual assaults I've suffered in my life I do not have the life experience that a lot of people would have by my age in dealing with this sort of stuff. I get the feeling that he's maybe just not that into me anymore, but I just can't understand how that could change in a week, or why he won't just say it because he's such a blunt person that I can't imagine it'd be that hard for him.
I thought that I would give it another week, not push him for contact, and see what if anything happens next. I know he's not a bad guy and his head is probably minced after the summer, I just really need to know what's going on so that I can either move on or tell him how I feel - either (and it's so unlikely) he'll feel the same or he won't - in which case we can have an adult discussion about how we can drop the benefits from the friendship, and see if time and a bit of a space will put things back to normal.
If you made it this far, I thank you ever so much, I'm just struggling so much with this and I don't know what to do. I'm not in love with him but as a friend I love him to bits, he's so important to my life, and I never thought I'd catch feelings for him like I have.