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Friend of 9 yrs MAD I didnt tell him right away who his ex is fucking.

$ublimaze

$ublimaze

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 17, 2011
Messages
91
I been friends with J and his ex for 9 years. They been together for that long also. They broke like 6 months ago or something. After 9 years. They live across the country. He in winnipeg. her in ontario. I visited her like a month ago cuz i was in her home town and she fucking tell me that shes fucking this guy who she had cheated on J with a long time ago. She asks me to not tell J, cuz it would hurt him. I'm like FINE. That makes sense. You two are broken up. Why should he have to experience that hardship on top of it all when they been broken up for 6 months? Why the fuck would I tell my friend?

So its been a month since she told me that. And I was thinking of like how its really shitty hows shes doing that. Like its hard to convey but the circumstances are just bad. Cuz her and him kinda stayed friends. and they grew up together. Its a big deal that shes doing that behind his back. Like probably any other guy woulda been ok.

So they been broken up. They werent talking whatever. So I'm like why the fuck should I tell him this. Plus he lives like a thousand miles away. Then today. Were chatting on gmail. and he starts telling me how hes gonna move back to ontario to be with her. ANd im thinking God No. This girl like flat out betraying you. So I just try to be clever and im like "Bro shes not faithful to you" And hes not really getting it. I'm going "Shes not faithful to you now" and like I really wanted to tell him cuz hes my good friend and I want to save him bullshit. Like this girl doesnt deserve him. This is all over chat btw. ALso. She is my friend. And she is like asking me specificially not to tell him. So I dont want to betray her trust either. Anyway. I tried getting him to promise he wouldnt freak. Before I told him. I was like nah yo if I'm not sure u wont freak and call her right away or something I dont want to tell u. This just made him mad and it was not fun to talk to him that way.

So finally I tell him. & hes just crushed. Like I can tell hes speechless on his end. At first hes just trying to get his head around it. Then he says that like he is thankful i told him. But then he got really mad. He pretty much took it out on me. Which is ok I guess. I cant blame him. It musta really hurt. I didnt want to tell him. Fuck this bitch for putting me in this situation. Honestly. She should have told him.

Hes really mad I didn't tell him right away. But like I didnt think what I was doing was wrong. I thought I was helping him but as soon as it became clear that keeping that info from him wasnt helping him, I told him. Isn't that what a good friend should do? This just happened so hes super mad and I understand like he gonna say all this shit about how I betrayed him and this. Thats cool for now cuz it just happened and hes hurting, but I'm afraid hes gonna keep that up. I think he might like take it to heart and blame me for this bs. My question is do you think I was obligated to tell him? Is that like some homie code that u tell ur friends who their ex gf is fucking? I don't think so, but he seemed to think so.
 
I don't see how not telling your friend something that was irrelevant at the time you found out is messed up. They are not together. It isn't his business who she's fucking & it isn't her business who he's fucking.
 
Whether you told him a month ago when you first found out or told him today, it's still painful. The trouble is, he wants to get back with her and you told him what she's been up to. Ouch! It hurts no matter what. I've done the same thing with friends and felt like I was doing the right thing. Guess what, both of them ended up hating me because I was the bitch that couldn't keep my mouth shut. I will make it a point in the future not to get involved. It's very tricky, sorry hope they work it out.
 
lol ya they will probably both hate me. :( awell. I told him straight if he gonna talk about not being my friend over this then I'm just glad to know that he gonna bail on me when shit hits the fan.
 
For now it's going to test your friendship but don't beat yourself up about it. You did what you thought was right at the time.
 
Thanks. I'm not. At least they are far far away! Ya fuck I'm just trying to save this guy from getting treated like a little bitch by his girlfriend. And I didnt want to have to tell him. He just needs to calm the fuck down. Hes usually a really logical dude its just shit like this brings his ego out. I get it. Oh and the worst part about it is he had a few drinks while we were chatting. How the fuck u pick a good time to tell someone that anyway though? I told him so many times like look bro she is your fucking ex girlfriend and I was honestly mad at him for being such a dumb ass. Like if he had done that to me... hmm i try to picture it but if a girl cheated on me like she did to him i woulda thrown in the garbage a long time ago so like I dunno its hard to relate. Im thinking if my ex girl was fucking some guy and he found out I wouldnt want him to tell me. And if she had cheated on me, she would be so dead to me that I wouldnt care if she was fucking a thousand cocks.

I certainly wouldn't put it on him. Especially if he was like sorry man I didn't know it would hurt u like this that I held it back.

I told him flat out. Bro if I knew this would happen I actually woulda told u right away.
 
I dont mean to come out as rude, but if i was in that situation id tell him as soon as he asked me. I value loyalty very high
 
Loyalty is an amazing thing. I would tell him he should be happy they aren't together. She is obviously not a good person. Anyone that is with someone that long and cheats is really a piece of shit. She doesn't deserve a man that cares that much and I hope she gets the opportunity to experience that type of betrayal first hand.
 
I wouldn't have told him right away either. You're right, there is no point in telling him, they broke up. You told him when you needed to, because of the situation. You did exactly what I would have done. Let him be angry for a couple days. If THIS ends your friendship then he wasn't a very good friend. He'll get over it.
 
manboychef said:
Loyalty is an amazing thing. I would tell him he should be happy they aren't together. She is obviously not a good person. Anyone that is with someone that long and cheats is really a piece of shit. She doesn't deserve a man that cares that much and I hope she gets the opportunity to experience that type of betrayal first hand.
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Exactly...
llama112 said:
I wouldn't have told him right away either. You're right, there is no point in telling him, they broke up. You told him when you needed to, because of the situation. You did exactly what I would have done. Let him be angry for a couple days. If THIS ends your friendship then he wasn't a very good friend. He'll get over it.
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IMO its not how long they have been together, its the fact to be honest. Im always honest to my friends.
 
yeah you did right. sounds like a horrible situation to be put in but i think i'd end up doing what you did
 
this couple sound like a royal pain in the ass!

i try to NOT get involved in other peoples affairs. you cannot be equally friends with both parties of a couple, your loyalty will always lie with one.

he should not be blaming you for the stress he feels because of her getting with some other guy. shooting the messenger does occur though8)

i would limit my contact with both parties until they calm down. butt out and you wont have to deal with this kind of crap.

your friend is a fool- let him be foolish. you cannot stop people making mistakes, only be there to pick up the pieces...
 
PurpleKush1 said:
IMO its not how long they have been together, its the fact to be honest. Im always honest to my friends.
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But there is a difference between telling a friend absolutely everything and only telling him some things. I don't tell all my friends everything. So I don't see why the OP needs to tell his friend everything right away. Especially things that would knowingly hurt him.

I certainly don't recommend lying to friends but there is no reason that you have to tell them absolutely everything.
 
Looks like you did the right thing.

Maybe another solution could have been to phone her and tell her your friend's intentions to move back to her location?

Anyway, it seems like your choice was made upon which friend you feel closer to - which also makes sense to me.

Good luck with staying friends with her now when she finds out how he got the info!

llama112 said:
But there is a difference between telling a friend absolutely everything and only telling him some things. I don't tell all my friends everything. So I don't see why the OP needs to tell his friend everything right away. Especially things that would knowingly hurt him.

I certainly don't recommend lying to friends but there is no reason that you have to tell them absolutely everything.
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This is only partially true. It is certainly a "lie through omission"... If one of my closest friends in the world would omit to reveal such a thing to me (that my ex was fucking someone else), while I was chasing her still, I would take it as a betrayal. Good, real friends don't hide such things from each other.

Cheerio
 
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DragonFly31 said:
This is only partially true. It is certainly a "lie through omission"... If one of my closest friends in the world would omit to reveal such a thing to me (that my ex was fucking someone else), while I was chasing her still, I would take it as a betrayal. Good, real friends don't hide such things from each other.

Cheerio
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But your making it sound like they were still together, they had broken up for 6 months already, that is a long time

if he was still 'chasing' her after 6 months not only was he setting himself up for failure but was probably lying to himself

the fault lies more with J than sublimaze, i would have done what he did, i kno 9 years is also a long ass time but keeping up fantasies about ex's, 6 months after a break-up, and im guessing there wasnt a lot of positive communication between the two if she was banging the guy she cheated on J with, is foolhardy.

also if J knew she had cheated on him (did he?) then i pity him a bit more but J seems slightly immature and has a wounded ego atm, im sounding harsh to myself but its just my thoughts and opinions
 
this whole thing is bullshit drama and your friend is dragging you into it just like his girlfriend did. i would not wanna know about it.

does the whole world revolve around this relationship? er no

so why is it affecting your life? these two could get back together and then cut you out completely (this kind of thing does happen) and then you will be no further on.

your friends both need to grow up and stop acting like lovestruck teenagers. its an adult world- everyone doesn't do everything at the perfect moment. if your friend cannot see that then get some new friends. this is why i keep a wide social circle and dont involve myself in other people relationships 1. because its boring and 2. because it would mean having to listen to bullshit like this.

loyalty is one thing but couples are often only loyal to themselves and can be very fickle
 
Fuck them both. The dude is needy..the girl is a scumbag. I would cut your losses and just find new friends.
 
manboychef said:
Fuck them both. The dude is needy..the girl is a scumbag. I would cut your losses and just find new friends.
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+! I actually agree with manboychef. I mean you told him already right? I don't think you need to get squeezed into this drama anymore OP.
 
he sent me an email saying sorry today. very cool. was like sorry I shot the msger and all this.
I think its just hard for them cuz they grew up together but circumstances keep tellin em not to b together. I guess shes pissed at me but she should really blame herself. its actually that she called him wbich was the tipping point for me. dontt fucking call the guy lookin for support when u dissin him. in hindsight I shoulda called her and beenike u got a week to tell him or stop leading him on!
 
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