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For over 4 years I have wanted to become a junkie and I dont get why

A

Allanford

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Joined
Jun 3, 2023
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People always say nobody just woke up and decided to become a junkie but Im different and I wanted to share this. Ive tried many drugs in hope I will immensly fall in love with that supstance and dedicate my whole life to it until I overdose and die. From hard drugs I tried meth, heroin and cocaine. Cocaine was great but not worth the price, meth just felt like speed on steroids with panic attacks and heroin at least came close but Its still not this insanely great feeling others seem to describe. Its been almoust 2 years since my heroin phase and Im thinking of trying again because I think the reason why It didnt have enough of an effect was because I was opiate naive when I did it for those 2 weeks. How is it possible that there can exist as big of a retard and a complete idiot like myself and is there a mindset I can adopt to not want to be a junkie anymore because deep within I know It wont end well because I just overomanticised and glamorised heroin use in my head. I fantasize daily about a world where everyone is constantly high and does everything in their power to "fight the evils of sobriety" and proudly injects hard drugs. Am I mentaly ill? Did anyone else ever experience this?
 
Its also quite ironic and unfair that a person like me who has put so much effort to become addicted to something is not even addicted to caffeine or nicotine whilst most other people who never wanted that life have a life long heroin addiction and battle...
 
Allanford said:
People always say nobody just woke up and decided to become a junkie but Im different and I wanted to share this. Ive tried many drugs in hope I will immensly fall in love with that supstance and dedicate my whole life to it until I overdose and die. From hard drugs I tried meth, heroin and cocaine. Cocaine was great but not worth the price, meth just felt like speed on steroids with panic attacks and heroin at least came close but Its still not this insanely great feeling others seem to describe. Its been almoust 2 years since my heroin phase and Im thinking of trying again because I think the reason why It didnt have enough of an effect was because I was opiate naive when I did it for those 2 weeks. How is it possible that there can exist as big of a retard and a complete idiot like myself and is there a mindset I can adopt to not want to be a junkie anymore because deep within I know It wont end well because I just overomanticised and glamorised heroin use in my head. I fantasize daily about a world where everyone is constantly high and does everything in their power to "fight the evils of sobriety" and proudly injects hard drugs. Am I mentaly ill? Did anyone else ever experience this?
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You're escaping from something deep within you, most likely some sort of trauma. U don't love yourself and wanna mask that pain with drugs.
Look for the root of ur problems, not the quick fix. Drugs are just gonna royally fuck up ur life even more in ways u have no Idea rn.
 
A physical addiction is slavery when the drugs stop working then what .32 years of addiction believe me is hell I functioned but when in the morning you think of your lost youth its like a punch in the stomach .

It might help in the beginning but you cant keep running from trauma. i have now started telling my family a secret I kept since 15 and I feel so much better . Drugs just make things worse nothing romantic about it
 
Allanford said:
thank you guys, I mostly changed my mind about doing h again.
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On day 3 of a rattle i had my wife bring kids into our bedroom it was a cold turkey rattle I told them this is what drug addiction ends up like and that's what advice I would give to you .
Best drug in the world is being with a partner you love even after 32 years a kiss from my wife makes me giddy inside
 
There's nothing that a little heroin cant make worse. Like much worse. The lowest level of hell worse. Heroin sucks it ruined my life. It lied to me. It stole from me. I'm 3mths off methadone and never looking back. Thanks for the 25yrs I lost. Fuck you monteca and all your friends.
 
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Allanford said:
Im 21
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Man at your age, I literally had the same mentality. I was immature as fuck, wanted to try every single drug under the sun because I couldn't find a deep sense of meaning in my life. Believe me, if u follow this path. Only sorrow and despair await for u.
We've all already lived this route and tbh if I could go back in time, I'd beat the fuck out of myself. But that's life innit? It's done, so if u can learn from our mistakes that would make all the things we've been through worth something.
 
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OD -> DC

I get where you’re at. When I tried opiates for the first time, I fell in love. Over the period of a couple of years I read all of the things I could and slid more closely to the junkie label. After a year or two of recreational use I got there.

Let me tell you something, it is a miserable and hellish place to be. There is nothing more lonely and isolating than being an addict and being in that place. I haven’t ever been suicidal but there was a time during that when if I had died I would have been okay with it because it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

What it took me years to realize and many destroyed relationships to understand was that I was just working at covering up trauma from my childhood, depression from my present, and the poor life choices in everything else. You may be playing with the fantasy, but I really hope you reevaluate your outlook and find another way to get back to the you that doesn’t want to slowly wither into nothing. If you ever wanted to talk my PMs are open.
 
Sounds to me you either just feel empty for some reason or are a pathological thrill seeker - if the latter it's healthier to take up an extreme sport to get your kicks, if the former you have to look inside yourself and find out why you see no purpose for yourself in life.

I get part of the attraction ; I didn't wanna be a junkie exactly but once I ended up as one, there was a single-focus simplicity to that life which in a fucked-up way I miss.
I have a mind like a washing machine that just turns over bad shit constantly, I find the complexities and responsibilities of life often overwhelming, and in that existence there was none of that. I didn't have any identity crises, I knew what I was and so did everyone in the streets who looked at me with instant contempt. I didn't worry about what I was gonna do with my life, I knew what I was gonna do from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed, and that was hustle money for heroin, score heroin, do heroin.

.... There's better ways to waste your time on this planet.

PS you got the *opiate-naive* thing the wrong way round. If it didn't do what you were looking for when you hadn't had opiates before, don't hope for any more from it. That's the best it's gonna get. Bloody hell 25 mg of codeine smacked me sideways, way back.
 
Señor Moreno said:
What a 100% truth. The best drug indeed. Deeply addictive too.
Once I also had a wife and loved her for over 20 years, and lossing her kisses was the saddest withdrawal ever.
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One thing ive never known is heartbreak in love the only women I loved well she was a girl when we got together we were 15 . At home were beatings with her I had something good I been a cunt cheated to much but sometimes I have a dream I'm back at home 16 and that fear is real I wake up feel her next to me and I feel so good
 
Do you have a history of any kind of self-descruction/self-harm or abuse? Because thats what this appears to be. I've never heard of anyone deliberately setting out to become addicted to hard drugs nor indeed wanting 'to become a junkie'.

As a side note - a junkie and an addict are not the same. Junkies are selfish, often violent scumbags who screw people over without remorse for their own gain in order to feed their habits where as someone who's addicted to a substance may not necessarily steal and commit crimes in order to maintain their habit.
 
i think maybe it’s a mix of pop culture getting to you… and romanticizing drug use. as well as some trauma hidden back away. are you running from anything man? try to take care of your life. please reach out to someone if you don’t want to be here, man 🥺
 
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