First time Ive ever been scared that I might not actually live past this winter

[feedtheSoul]

Every winter I'm hit with SAD. I've been through several winters where I've had to begin an outpatient therapy program where I learned DBT skills. I had mastered applying them for the most part, but if any of you have seen previous posts, you may know that I've struggled this spring/summer with hearing neighbors talk about me poorly for smoking (they don't really say bad things often, anymore) and the weirdest thing was, when it got colder and people weren't outside as much, I felt even more so alone and directionless. I almost craved their attention because it feels like it's all I have anymore. I don't have the will to get out of bed, my adderall is at a max dose and doesn't really help me anymore... and I think my xanax needs to be raised as I have never increased the dose and been on for 2 years.

Winters weren't THIS bad until my parents declared that I cannot smoke in the house anymore. The odor lingered and it was simply too much, so I took my business outside. Last winter, I froze myself every night, bundled up in layers and just stayed out smoking all night long. I pulled so many all nighters. I did everything it took to get outside so I could smoke a bowl. (I have a history of addiction, and it has for the most part settled down besides marijuana and cigarettes.) With Hashimotos thyroid disease andddd fibromyalgia, it took a lot of energy to get bundled up and spend nights out there coughing my throat raw..Going from freezing cold outside all night, to the warm indoors where my body instantly developed hot flashes that made me dizzy and unable to get up the stairs or walk straight, and I would nearly pass out sweating taking all the layers off that were soaked from the snow. It was the most terrifying winter of my life. I had no energy, no drive, I had panic attacks at work.

I have struggled to hold down a job since then, as well. I luckily returned to my first job where it feels like home, and my boss understands what I deal with so I have that support, but I still feel so isolated and alone. It's scary to pick up my phone and text a friend to ask them if they want to hang out, because it means I need the energy and drive to follow through.

I've been having crying spells, just spontaneous sporatic, sometimes hysterical crying spells. Leaving me with splitting headaches, and I can't eat. My thyroid seems to be acting up because I lost 10lbs this week, and I can barely eat. This is a symptom of my Hashimotos. Sometimes you get real hungry and gain alot of weight too. So when it fluctuates fast I understand my symptoms are the hashimotos as well as my fibromyalgia.

I just don't know what to do. I'm on so many meds.. (rexulti, lexapro, effexor, adderall, xanax) and most of these have unpleasant physical side effects. I just , feel like shit all the time, and i'm scared i wont regain the will to make it through this winter.

I am resilient as fuck, but after I learned about my thyroid disease I realized all my symptoms were related to this and I know that my medications exacerbate it. But I cannot make enough money to sustain myself, I can only work 14 hours a week without breaking my back. I just feel lost and dazed and sad in the meantime at home while I try to deal with the cold weather and smoke. I need to quit cigs, and I've tried patches, they just didn't help... I wish I could get off half my meds but I've never had good experiences coming off of them, I've just gotten worse. I feel at my wits end here, and I know that it's only october and we still have yet for snowfalls and icy temperatures... and shorter days. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I'm reaching out for encouragement or advice on how to cope with this winter. I just am so afraid that I will lose my resilience! I dont want to die, but I see my mindset leading in that direction, and its terrifying me.

 

[swilow]

If you are feeling suicidal, you should speak to your doctor. It could very well be that all the meds you are on (indlucing effexor which I believe can inititate suicidal thoughts) are contributing and your doc may be able to change them up a bit. If you feel that you are unsafe, please don't mess around- get some help. You feel bad in the present, but the present is fleeting and things often get better- or simply change.

Or it could be that you are 'simply' feeling the symptoms of your seasonal depression. Have you been diagnosed with SAD? There are light treatments that are meant to help. I wonder if you could try one of the newer melatonergic antidepressants? I was scripted agomelatine for a while, mainly for sleep and anxiety, but I never really took it.The few times I did, I found it quite sedating. Its something you could look into, as I believe melatonin plays a role in SAD and agomelatine increases the amount of melatonin (and, I believe, dopamine and noradrenaline but to lesser extents) in the brain.

Regarding the smoking; can you perhaps mention how unwell smoking outdoors in winter makes you feel to your parents? Perhaps you could compromise, and smoke a lot less but indoors? It could help this temperature response you are having, and might be an incentive to cut back on the smoking too. Worth chatting about I think.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling okay. Don't be rash, there are options for you.

 

[herbavore]

I have Hashimoto's as well and there are a few things that you can do to make life easier. Try to eat a non-inflammatory diet as much as possible. As far as smoking weed, it might be good to make edibles instead as your lungs are already under attack from the cigarettes. Are you in a medical marijuana state (or in the U.S.)? Would you consider a vaporisor for smoking nicotene?

 

[nuttynutskin]

Are you taking any thyroid medication? It sounds like you should be seeing a doctor regularly for blood work regarding your thyroid and everything else. I'd also suggest trying to give up any recreational drug use, at least for the time being. Your health should be your #1 priority. Having a healthy diet should also help you feel better. I don't know if there's any special diets and supplements for the health issues you have but it would be worth looking into. Lastly, I don't think giving yourself hypothermia while smoking is conducive to bettering any of your conditions. If you must still use weed and nicotine I'd try to find a way to do it that doesn't involve freezing yourself to death because you're stressing your immune system and increasing the likelihood of getting yourself sick.

 

[feedtheSoul]

I have used my MFLB in the house before, only once my parents may have smelled it, so that could be a good route to take. I normally just don't use it because it requires charged batteries especially for frequent use. I should definitely look into getting e-nicotine... It's not even that I didn't know they're out there, I just don't ever follow up getting one. I've considered it though. I think I heard from somebody that you don't get the nicotine rush like with analogs, which was probably what's stopping me. I'm gonna search online after I post this.

I agree that if I can eliminate the trips outside or my time outside in the cold, it will help me a lot. I usually stay outside because I know if I go inside I'll lay in my bed. I've been setting up an etsy shop, and I burnt myself out putting up the first seven items, so there's been a lot of laying around.

Well, on a better note, last night I slept through the night and got up early today for once. I've been unable to sleep for the most part all week, so it's really refreshing to be awake right now. I might try to work on my crafting in a bit, right now I'm listening to some music to sooth myself. As for my diet, it's still been very difficult to eat, but my coworker helped talk me into eating yesterday and my mom has also been sure to remind me that if I put something in my tummy I might feel better. It's just getting through the digestion that's nerve-wracking for me (painful).

herbavore - thank you for the diet suggestion. I usually eat light but when I do eat it's not necessarily the healthier option. I've been taking Selenium for the past couple months for my immune system, which has helped but seemed to plateau at this point.

nuttynutskin- I've been putting my health as a priority for the past year, so its great that most of my drug use has stopped, but I can't deny that the cigarettes and weed aren't helping me more than they hurt me. Agreed that inducing hypothermia as a result of my habit is a silly option - its just marijuana. I suppose this means I really need to work on tapping back into my mindfulness and radical acceptance skills to cope while I'm not smoking. I could probably use a tolerance break, but I haven't quite made the decision when yet. I see an endocrinologist and he is reluctant to put me on thyroid medication because "my bloodwork didn't show anything wrong" granted I may have hashimotos, apparently it means nothing to my doctor. He says if I'm on thyroid meds, I'm on them for life, so he wants me to keep coming routinely a couple times a year for bloodwork, or call if needed. I'm thinking of finding a new doctor if there's actually something that can be done. I'm nervous to come off the effexor but I know that one is necessary for me to get off of.

Swilow, I'm going to talk to my parents about this. Perhaps they will let me use a vaporizer in the house. One night, last year, they let me smoke in the basement on the deadliest cold night. But it really stunk and lingered so they still stand by there decision that if I choose to smoke, I have to do it outside. I'm 23 and living with them still while I try to grow up and move to my next chapter in life, so I'm trying my best to respect that rule. Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm expecting. I seem to enjoy smoking better than vaping, just because you can feel it in your throat better if that makes any sense at all. Definitely looking into a bigger sunlight as I have one but it's very tiny and didn't help me all that much. I've never heard of those melatonergic medications, are these new? My psychiatrist has never mentioned these, but he's pretty old fashioned.

Everytime I post a thread on this site for help, people are so understanding and offer helpful and rational advice. Can't thank you guys enough for responding to me.

 

[Moreaux]

Hey feedthesoul - you've gotten some great advice above. Definitely make sure your thyroid meds are correct- these have a huge impact on your physical and mental health. Diet it key in this respect as well. You may want to check out the site/app myfitnesspal as they have some good groups for people living with Hashimotos.

Regarding your meds - tapering off of Effexor is no biggie. Reduce your dose by 10% every week. I did it a few years ago - I broke the capsule open and counted balls lol. If you needs resources, let me know there are some good sites out there. Don't stop taking Effexor without Discussing it with your doctor first.

While I am not a medical professional, you are on some meds that do raise red flags and these meds may be part of the reason you are progressively getting worse...Adderall and Xanax. How long have you been on these, and at what doses? Both amphetamines and benzos have major impacts on brain structure when taken over time, even if they are not being abused. You may really want to examine why you are taking them and see if you can eventually do without them. If you suffer from SAD, consider altering your meds after the winter. While optimally it would be best not to take benzos daily, you may want to consider switching Xanax for a longer lasting benzo like klonopin or better yet, diazapam.