Hey there, I just relapsed on meth (and now various other substances) after a year and some change. That has been my pattern since 2018, relapsing once or twice a year for a day or two before returning to "sobriety". I strive for much better, ideally I would be relapse free but just haven't been able to achieve that yet. However, during the last few years I got really really into AA (don't worry, I ain't selling that). I eventually left the program after working it very thoroughly multiple times and finding myself still unable to abstain indefinitely. At the end of it all, the cultic rituals and unbelievably egotistical majority of members got to be too much for me, but believe me when I say that when I was in the program I was in the program. This had numerous life-changing affects on me, and during this relapse I decided I would write about some of those profound effects. This post is about one of those profound pieces of wisdom, and if it seems like complete common sense it is, common sense just, as we say, ain't so common. When I was first getting sober this was life-changing information.
Finding and Listening to Your Voice of Reason:
No, I am not talking about God or some sentient being (or maybe I am, who am I to say). However, the same concept that AA people call "their higher power" or "God" is what I am about to introduce, just without all that "divinity" and irrational. The point is, you have within you a free source of inner guidance that, if actively developed, can help you to stop taking actions which only degrade your sense of self-worth. The problem is, every time we chose to ignore this Voice of Reason, it got a little bit quieter. This is why we got desensitized to things like crime and drugs we swore we'd never do. At one point that voice was helping us to avoid those dead end paths and stay out of trouble, but eventually we told it to STFU one too many times and it listened.
Now (if you even care) your job is to listen closely. Find that voice, as quiet as it may now be, and leverage it to help you to make better decisions. At first you may not think its even there, but if you actually pay attention you'll eventually catch a "this is a bad idea" or a "what am I doing" or something a long those lines, telling you what you are about to do might not be in your best interest. This is it. You found your Voice of Reason, so remember it. Remember how it sounds, how it feels. Fuck, you can even give it a name. Just find a way to identify it. Learn to distinguish that voice in your head from the rest. It may not happen overnight, and you will never perfect it, but as that voice becomes more familiar to you, knowing what the right thing to do will be much easier. Having said that, doing the right thing can still be very challenging, and knowing what you should do is only half (or maybe even less) of the battle. However, having a working moral compass does make it all much easier.
Good luck to each of you, I hope we find our ways.
Finding and Listening to Your Voice of Reason:
No, I am not talking about God or some sentient being (or maybe I am, who am I to say). However, the same concept that AA people call "their higher power" or "God" is what I am about to introduce, just without all that "divinity" and irrational. The point is, you have within you a free source of inner guidance that, if actively developed, can help you to stop taking actions which only degrade your sense of self-worth. The problem is, every time we chose to ignore this Voice of Reason, it got a little bit quieter. This is why we got desensitized to things like crime and drugs we swore we'd never do. At one point that voice was helping us to avoid those dead end paths and stay out of trouble, but eventually we told it to STFU one too many times and it listened.
Now (if you even care) your job is to listen closely. Find that voice, as quiet as it may now be, and leverage it to help you to make better decisions. At first you may not think its even there, but if you actually pay attention you'll eventually catch a "this is a bad idea" or a "what am I doing" or something a long those lines, telling you what you are about to do might not be in your best interest. This is it. You found your Voice of Reason, so remember it. Remember how it sounds, how it feels. Fuck, you can even give it a name. Just find a way to identify it. Learn to distinguish that voice in your head from the rest. It may not happen overnight, and you will never perfect it, but as that voice becomes more familiar to you, knowing what the right thing to do will be much easier. Having said that, doing the right thing can still be very challenging, and knowing what you should do is only half (or maybe even less) of the battle. However, having a working moral compass does make it all much easier.
Good luck to each of you, I hope we find our ways.