Well after nearly 2 decades of solid psychedelic usage, I finally had an ego death experience. I should note, I’ve had plenty of ego loss experiences where I transferred directly to that state of “loss of self.”
I’ve always been of the opinion that an ego death is more or less just a tougher transfer from this reality to that loss-of-self state. This experience solidified that theory.
We had been camping for a couple of days out in the remote wilderness, hot as fuck so spent much of it hanging down by the river. The day or so before this we had a small candyflip experience.
The meal for dinner that night consisted of some new wild herbs I foraged which I had used to flavor the steak. (This would be relevant later..)
As the sun began to set for the night I knew I’d be having an experience and with DMT’s water connection decided to “meditate” (I enter meditative states fairly naturally) on a rock in the middle of the river with my feet dangling in the rapids.
Once ready I went back to my tent, loaded up an unknown amount of very pure Acacia DMT crystals. The crystals were clear, well defined, some around a 1/4 to 1/2in in length. A very light coating of NMT oil covers the crystals. Likely 40mg, a lot if done right.
I start smoking it and it seems difficult to vaporize, and then immediately I realize something is very different about this time. I felt a synergy of factors coming together, I felt this connection to Mother Earth like never before.
The ringing of the bugs and water flowing seemed to intensify and carry the carrier wave to new heights.
And then it hit me... Those herbs I’d eaten, were poison. I’d fucked up my ID. Logically I knew this was all wrong, that I just had a head full of DMT but in my soul I KNEW I was dying.
That was the craziest part of this ego death. I was so calm about it and logically thinking about it as it happened. Probably because of my experience..
I then remember thinking “you know there’s two ways this can go, you can either flail and scream and cry, or you can accept it, you’ve seen firsthand what can happen when someone doesn’t accept it.” Then I remembered my friends rough ego death on LSD and knew for the sake of everyone else at camp I should calmly let go as not to frighten anyone (aren’t I courteous?).
As soon as I let go, I went to that typical DMT crazy abstractness. But it was just so interesting that I felt like I was dying when I entered.
I thought about it and I think a few factors came together that night. My eating new wild herbs always leaves me checking myself for allergic reactions and what not. Combine that with the larger dose and the background noise intensifying the carrier wave and it was a recipe for an ego death.
What fascinated me was my coherent and logical yet dissociated thought process while it happened. Like I knew I shouldn’t be but I was anyways, and thinking back to others ego deaths and how to never try and fight it.
All my DMT trips I usually drift off into that other realm, and don’t even realize I’m there til I’m back, this was very much in my face. Crazy too that it happened on Acacia DMT, the more gentle of the plant sources.
One final thing I found interesting was that I was breathing like I’d been knocked out, if you’ve ever seen someone get knocked out they often breath very heavy almost snoring, I remember actually feeling my body doing it too and my girl commented on it later. Never had that happen before either.
Thought I’d share, even many years later I still get surprised.
My thoughts on ego death hasn’t changed, and I wonder if I didn’t have that thought/fear of potentially eating dangerous wild herbs if I would’ve had that experience at all?..
-GC
I’ve always been of the opinion that an ego death is more or less just a tougher transfer from this reality to that loss-of-self state. This experience solidified that theory.
We had been camping for a couple of days out in the remote wilderness, hot as fuck so spent much of it hanging down by the river. The day or so before this we had a small candyflip experience.
The meal for dinner that night consisted of some new wild herbs I foraged which I had used to flavor the steak. (This would be relevant later..)
As the sun began to set for the night I knew I’d be having an experience and with DMT’s water connection decided to “meditate” (I enter meditative states fairly naturally) on a rock in the middle of the river with my feet dangling in the rapids.
Once ready I went back to my tent, loaded up an unknown amount of very pure Acacia DMT crystals. The crystals were clear, well defined, some around a 1/4 to 1/2in in length. A very light coating of NMT oil covers the crystals. Likely 40mg, a lot if done right.
I start smoking it and it seems difficult to vaporize, and then immediately I realize something is very different about this time. I felt a synergy of factors coming together, I felt this connection to Mother Earth like never before.
The ringing of the bugs and water flowing seemed to intensify and carry the carrier wave to new heights.
And then it hit me... Those herbs I’d eaten, were poison. I’d fucked up my ID. Logically I knew this was all wrong, that I just had a head full of DMT but in my soul I KNEW I was dying.
That was the craziest part of this ego death. I was so calm about it and logically thinking about it as it happened. Probably because of my experience..
I then remember thinking “you know there’s two ways this can go, you can either flail and scream and cry, or you can accept it, you’ve seen firsthand what can happen when someone doesn’t accept it.” Then I remembered my friends rough ego death on LSD and knew for the sake of everyone else at camp I should calmly let go as not to frighten anyone (aren’t I courteous?).
As soon as I let go, I went to that typical DMT crazy abstractness. But it was just so interesting that I felt like I was dying when I entered.
I thought about it and I think a few factors came together that night. My eating new wild herbs always leaves me checking myself for allergic reactions and what not. Combine that with the larger dose and the background noise intensifying the carrier wave and it was a recipe for an ego death.
What fascinated me was my coherent and logical yet dissociated thought process while it happened. Like I knew I shouldn’t be but I was anyways, and thinking back to others ego deaths and how to never try and fight it.
All my DMT trips I usually drift off into that other realm, and don’t even realize I’m there til I’m back, this was very much in my face. Crazy too that it happened on Acacia DMT, the more gentle of the plant sources.
One final thing I found interesting was that I was breathing like I’d been knocked out, if you’ve ever seen someone get knocked out they often breath very heavy almost snoring, I remember actually feeling my body doing it too and my girl commented on it later. Never had that happen before either.
Thought I’d share, even many years later I still get surprised.
My thoughts on ego death hasn’t changed, and I wonder if I didn’t have that thought/fear of potentially eating dangerous wild herbs if I would’ve had that experience at all?..
-GC
