Film: Pandorum

[captainballs]

Has anyone ever walked into a film and literally wanted to walk out before they even sat down? Me neither, until Pandorum. Usually, even bad movies deserve to be watched - usually.

Pandorum was painful to watch, but not in a way that would make you cringe. Cringing is sort of like ejaculating while having your balls squeezed really hard. It feels good and bad at the same time, but you still definitely get a sensation. Pandorum sort of squeezes your balls for two hours but never really jerks you off. You never get to feel the cringe, instead you just ache for about 4 hours after the unfulfilled anticipation. After watching this film I noticed in real life that lights were brighter and everything had a crisp quality to it, and there was a copper taste in the back of my throat. My brain felt like it had extra pressure on it as well. I am not making this up. Usually, I only get these feelings during the early stages of an epic migraine.

Whatever money they spent on this movie was totally wasted. The bad guy design was cheesy in a very 80's way, and on top of that there are action sequences that make the film worse and worse as they go on. I'm not sure if they were kidding when they made this movie yet. It is a distinct possibility. The acting is very bad. Extremely bad. But I'm not sure it was the actors' faults: the script seems to be filled with dialogue that I immediately imagined was written by a team of really cool 5th graders. The R rating is there for absolutely no reason other than the characters' apparent need to use the "f" word to spice up bad lighting, horribly failed attempts at scariness, unexplainable and stupid character quirks, and surprises that only come in two flavors: beyond cliched and/or completely predictable.

If you love Jesus, and even if you hate him, you will not see this movie. 1 star would be very generous and everyone involved with this tortuous piece of trash deserves to watch it over and over again until they die two weeks later.

 

[atri]

lol
you are a true wordsmith cb

sucks though, i was hoping for something on par with event horizon.

 

[captainballs]

The special effects were almost as good as Event Horizon's if that counts. Event Horizon is the closest a space horror movie has ever gotten in my opinion to hitting the dartboard. It has all the elements I actually want to see in a real science fiction movie: black holes, a hyperdrive preferably capable of producing black holes (!), an in space with no spacesuit scene, and an enemy that doesn't turn out to be a) a bunch of crazy crew members or b) big stupid monsters. Not perfect execution, but there isn't another one out there to compare it to quality-wise.

 

[L2R]

well, i had an illegal copy of american psycho 2, and turned it off and deleted it before the opening credits. literally seconds into it, i was revolted that much i destroyed any chance of giving it another go.

The R rating is there for absolutely no reason other than the characters' apparent need to use the "f" word to spice up bad lighting,...

i you

 

[Wyld 4 X]

Movie thread of the year.


Hail to you, CB!

 

[System]

Sounds like you were expecting too much. There are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy worse sci-fi movies out there: Doom.

 

[captainballs]

I wasn't expecting anything, that's what was weird. I didn't know about Pandorum before I walked into the theater. We were just going to different movies since we were already at the theater, and Pandorum happened to be playing. As soon as I walked in though, and saw the television lighting and immediately felt a gut reaction to every actor's facial expressions and lines, I was immediately bored. This belongs on the Sci Fi channel - everything about it shows that it could have been produced for the same price as a Sci Fi original. I can't believe that they would even try to put it in theaters with a straight face... who made this decision? Put it on Sci Fi next time and sell advertising spots. Actually, as shitty as the tv movie "Sci Fi Originals" are, they are always at least somewhat entertaining even if they are horrible.

 

[System]

Can we both agree that Doom sucked more though?

 

[captainballs]

Probably. I've never seen it but I'm sure it's horrible. Doesn't it star the Rock or whoever? I can't imagine someone making a god Doom movie.

 

[Wyld 4 X]

Movies based on video games are doomed to fail.

 

[Finder]

^Punny.

Excellent review. I hadn't planned on seeing this, but I derived much entertainment from your suffering. Thanks for sharing!

 

[MistaJeff]

I just watched this on my lap top. I loved the movie but I was really high, there is no way to tell if the movie was good or not.

 

[ego_loss]

Good lord, CB... I agree it wasn't the greatest film ever... but don't you think you were being overly dramatic? Seriously, bro. The last time I saw someone make such absurdly overblown claims about a movie I was watching a commercial for Paranormal Activity. I get it. I really do. I've been known to go off on colorful rants about movies that I think are god-awful, but even I know when to lay off the simile.

I enjoyed the hell out of this movie in much the same way I enjoyed the hell out of Pitch Black, Event Horizon, The Thing, Robocop, Resident Evil, Total Recall, Final Fantasy and any other science fiction/thriller/horror flick. Suspension of disbelief is essential when dealing with such movies. Bad acting? I'll even give you that one. They were supposed to be aloof and flighty... after all, they had hypersleep amnesia... they hadn't yet regained their personalities. As far as they knew, they really were nothing more than cliched archetypes. Still, I agree that the cast was pretty much wasted on the director. Ben Foster has the chops to be the next River Pheonix or Johnny Depp... taking his roles six or seven steps beyond anything his contemporaries would even dream of doing. Dennis Quaid... well... he's Dennis Quaid. I don't really know what else to expect out of him. Although, if it weren't Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster... Say it was Shia Labouff and John Travolta... the caliber of the screenwriting and direction would have been way out of their league. Rather than try to bring any depth to the characters, they'd waste all their screen time trying to out-crazy one another.

Regarding your statements about the "80's bad guy design".. I don't know what you were expecting, but the creature effects were very effective. They looked realistic without being absurd. I'm sorry there wasn't enough gore for your liking... but there was really no need for any more blood or gore. Trust me when I say that more blood and gore would have actually made the movie worse.

As far as the "television lighting" and "sci-fi channel" comments, well... they are just plain wrong. This movie was impeccably designed, lit, set and photograph Most of the story takes place in the grimiest, claustrophobic settings spaceship since Alien.

So simmer down, francis. It really wasn't that bad.

 

[Max Power]

I know how many stars captainballs will give this film.