captainballs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2004
- Messages
- 9,954
Has anyone ever walked into a film and literally wanted to walk out before they even sat down? Me neither, until Pandorum. Usually, even bad movies deserve to be watched - usually.
Pandorum was painful to watch, but not in a way that would make you cringe. Cringing is sort of like ejaculating while having your balls squeezed really hard. It feels good and bad at the same time, but you still definitely get a sensation. Pandorum sort of squeezes your balls for two hours but never really jerks you off. You never get to feel the cringe, instead you just ache for about 4 hours after the unfulfilled anticipation. After watching this film I noticed in real life that lights were brighter and everything had a crisp quality to it, and there was a copper taste in the back of my throat. My brain felt like it had extra pressure on it as well. I am not making this up. Usually, I only get these feelings during the early stages of an epic migraine.
Whatever money they spent on this movie was totally wasted. The bad guy design was cheesy in a very 80's way, and on top of that there are action sequences that make the film worse and worse as they go on. I'm not sure if they were kidding when they made this movie yet. It is a distinct possibility. The acting is very bad. Extremely bad. But I'm not sure it was the actors' faults: the script seems to be filled with dialogue that I immediately imagined was written by a team of really cool 5th graders. The R rating is there for absolutely no reason other than the characters' apparent need to use the "f" word to spice up bad lighting, horribly failed attempts at scariness, unexplainable and stupid character quirks, and surprises that only come in two flavors: beyond cliched and/or completely predictable.
If you love Jesus, and even if you hate him, you will not see this movie. 1 star would be very generous and everyone involved with this tortuous piece of trash deserves to watch it over and over again until they die two weeks later.
Pandorum was painful to watch, but not in a way that would make you cringe. Cringing is sort of like ejaculating while having your balls squeezed really hard. It feels good and bad at the same time, but you still definitely get a sensation. Pandorum sort of squeezes your balls for two hours but never really jerks you off. You never get to feel the cringe, instead you just ache for about 4 hours after the unfulfilled anticipation. After watching this film I noticed in real life that lights were brighter and everything had a crisp quality to it, and there was a copper taste in the back of my throat. My brain felt like it had extra pressure on it as well. I am not making this up. Usually, I only get these feelings during the early stages of an epic migraine.
Whatever money they spent on this movie was totally wasted. The bad guy design was cheesy in a very 80's way, and on top of that there are action sequences that make the film worse and worse as they go on. I'm not sure if they were kidding when they made this movie yet. It is a distinct possibility. The acting is very bad. Extremely bad. But I'm not sure it was the actors' faults: the script seems to be filled with dialogue that I immediately imagined was written by a team of really cool 5th graders. The R rating is there for absolutely no reason other than the characters' apparent need to use the "f" word to spice up bad lighting, horribly failed attempts at scariness, unexplainable and stupid character quirks, and surprises that only come in two flavors: beyond cliched and/or completely predictable.
If you love Jesus, and even if you hate him, you will not see this movie. 1 star would be very generous and everyone involved with this tortuous piece of trash deserves to watch it over and over again until they die two weeks later.