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Feel stuck

stardust10

stardust10

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,600
I reconciled with my ex, we had split for a short period of time after I had had enough of what I would call emotional abuse, but the physical outbursts began again towards the end of our tumultuous 5+ year relationship.

It felt like we were separated forever and I never stopped longing for him. I feel so stupid because I know I'm not making the right decisions and have only got myself to blame at this point. I'll be turning 30 soon and I've never felt so depressed and lost.

The thing is I know we won't work, that the way he treats me is unacceptable and it makes me feel really crap about myself to the point I really have lost any confidence I once had. I've exhausted all attempts at supporting him in life and never receive anything back in terms of emotional support either. Still I care about the man and I just can't help it....and it just makes me feel worse about everything. We have some things in common regarding past trauma so I think that's why I've tolerated so much.
The eye rolling and dismissive body language started after just a couple of days after he moved back in. Then yesterday he told my neighbour I hit him (I slapped him in the face because he shouted in mine really really loud) even although he punched me really fucking hard three times on my back and side.

Now I've become bitter, resentful, hopeless and frustrated all at the same time with a constant fear of 'the next time' which could include anything from empty promises spoiling our so called plans, him disappearing for days after saying he is away to commit suicide leaving me alone with my guilt, spending all his money get himself in to a condition taking a cocktail of who knows what drugs like fake benzos, questionable coke, drinking to oblivion falling about pissing himself, breaking my home and belongings and then the next day when he's crashing will literally try and take his own life so I'm on suicide watch, truly.
My life is dictated to it feels like I'm missing out on life. I know I have the power and the right to leave him like I had done already but it hurts too much to go through just now again. I'm weak and I feel like I don't deserve peace but somehow I still want it. I'm insane at this point. I'm a fucking mess. I'm getting a detox soon for alcohol also which is scary enough without this uncertainty.
Writing this out it's clear that I'm the problem. I don't want sympathy as I know it's my choice, I could technically throw him out brutally again but it's always such a big thing that it shouldn't and doesn't need to be.
Even tried getting his mum's help but she has a lot going on and TBF we are adults here. I just can't take it much longer but I'm also totally 100% stuck ATM. Wish I could help myself but I can't.

Anyone else experienced emotional abuse? It's that that keeps me here I think.

Dunno what to do. I know I need to leave again but I can't. I'm a mess and no matter what I do I can't be comfortable myself alone. I think it's because of covid as well as I find it hard to form bonds and relationships with other people for whatever reason- even friendships! I have friends but only one, maybe two who I'd consider real friends and they have their own life to deal with and are taken so not like we can go out together to meet people and the other ones got their own troubles their dealing with just now so I can never see them. My family are upset for me and that makes me feel like an even bigger failure. Fuck relationships and fuck love. It's like an unhealthy addiction.

Thanks for reading. I needed to get that out of my head. I suppose the point of this was just that. But also if anyone else is suffering in a similar way or has in the past was thinking this would be good to vent and share supportive content and personal experience in a constructive manner. I'm lacking the constructive part of my brain I think it works the opposite.
 
It's the emotional aspect I love him he isn't kicking the shit out of me but still... plus I'm an alcoholic but I think he also wants me to be in a way I'm weaker. I dunno maybe I'm mad. I think any relationship is extremely complicated to start with never mind an 'emotionally abusive' one though and then when it gets heated and he's hitting me, and now slandering me to my new neighbour really... it sucks... LUCKILY (and I'm so sorry for anyone else that has been in a physically violent situation before) he's not that strong but he bit me then went to jail and I stayed then in the first year because I was stupid... sometimes it's subtle constant intimidation from slamming a door to let you know a message to an intense stare that says he hates me or something...and he only just got here! Fun times.
It's serious though I'm not in a good place and although I'm lucky enough not to have to pay for mental health and addiction treatment I can't help but feel so scared and I feel like I have fallen in to a trap.
If anyone reading this can relate please reply if you feel comfortable/get a minute - as in from your 'partner'/'soulmate'😅💛☀️
 
iTry91 said:
It's the emotional aspect I love him he isn't kicking the shit out of me but still... plus I'm an alcoholic but I think he also wants me to be in a way I'm weaker. I dunno maybe I'm mad. I think any relationship is extremely complicated to start with never mind an 'emotionally abusive' one though and then when it gets heated and he's hitting me, and now slandering me to my new neighbour really... it sucks... LUCKILY (and I'm so sorry for anyone else that has been in a physically violent situation before) he's not that strong but he bit me then went to jail and I stayed then in the first year because I was stupid... sometimes it's subtle constant intimidation from slamming a door to let you know a message to an intense stare that says he hates me or something...and he only just got here! Fun times.
It's serious though I'm not in a good place and although I'm lucky enough not to have to pay for mental health and addiction treatment I can't help but feel so scared and I feel like I have fallen in to a trap.
If anyone reading this can relate please reply if you feel comfortable/get a minute - as in from your 'partner'/'soulmate'😅💛☀️
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yeah.. you are being *bit* and hit, it is far beyond emotional abuse. i know you love him, but the longer you drag it out, the worse it will be for you, and someone like that (the red flags of slandering you) is going to really try to fuck with you whenever you do pull the trigger. its nice to have someone, but the trauma you are doing to yourself isn't going to kick in until you are out of the situation, and its just going to be worse the longer you wait, not to mention the abuse will get worse and worse. its going to be difficult, especially living with him. if you want to feel better about it - you be the one to move out (if thats reasonable in your situation).



from what it sounds like, i dont think this person loves you, not in any reasonable sense of the word.

and to be blunt, the way you love him isn't reasonable either (even solely taking into account letting him bite you then sleep in bed next to you)

heres a better song actually
 
There's one thing I can say that I can protect myself physically because he won't touch me much but the emotional abuse is a killer it's the constant stress...
But you're right I suppose some things can be over analysed to the death and I should jus' kick him out abruptly, even although it's not my style, he will probably throw himself in front of traffic...but not my problem? Do I have to be this brutal? Fuck.
Meant to say that after he went to jail he doesn't touch me much physically because he hated it obviously and stuff, but you never know.
I think I keep trying to convince myself or just fucking deluded that this is a journey and normal of some sort because I've not got any kids but it does matter still for myself...
Had regrets in the past and PTSD for not 'being there'
 
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one of my partners was constantly threatening suicide. so much that the police and paramedics were there very very frequently towards the end as it seemed very serious a few times, actually saw themselves cut themselves (on the throat), honestly the last 6 months my main concern preventing me from leaving was them killing themselves. one of the final straws, was they had a knife to their throat because i was trying to go out without them, i picked up the phone and dialed 911. seconds after starting talking, they took the phone from my hand screaming as if they were being attacked, literally slapped herself over and over - thankfully i took video, which the cops refused to look at but got the charges dropped. finally i made a post on facebook "we are hurting each other too deeply, if anyone will take in xxx i'll pay your rent for two months", multiple people responded (including their grandmother), they still wouldn't go. would even lay behind my car so I couldn't go get dinner and support with a male friend (i'm male, and not really bi).

after i finally left, and went to rehab, by the time i got out in 30 days they were totally fine and dating one of my old "friends", spending all their energy slandering me for a good 6 months at least
 
also like, maybe if you wound up in a place where he wasn't held accountable at all, you could get hurt - do you really want to worry about where you go with a romantic partner? :/

also, idk if it was from that, but hearing about suicide so much definitely put the thought in my head i think, and developed some of my own /actual/ ideation.
 
From what you've said your partner is super-manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive, and the relationship sounds dangerously codependent . He knows you're on the hook too.

We all need to learn our own life lessons eh, and far be it from me to tell anyone what's what, but it sounds to me like you're in danger (no matter how much you can handle yourself) - there's red flags all over the place from what you've said.

You're worth more than this - far more. All you need to do now is to come to believe that yourself
 
Yes it takes it's fucking toll and you're not supposed to be angry or upset ever... because you have to stay strong for them all the time and never get the love back in that way...Fuck this forever... I'm clued on to the love bombing now just need to take the plunge and do it again tomorrow when his mum is down I might say to her I don't want him here but I don't know if that would be awkward or just not right involving them. I was meant to be going to rehab funded but it's a rarity and not getting my hopes up just glad I'm getting a detox.
 
I'm really sorry to hear about your circumstances. You absolutely deserve better, you just have to believe that yourself.

What's happening isn't love. It's an abusive relationship that's having a detrimental effect on you emotionally and physically. I know what it's like being in a relationship where you just feel like it's where you belong so you keep it together. It's hard to separate yourself from that, but I'm thinking you'd have much more peace of mind if you ended the relationship.

Don't let him gaslight and manipulate you with his threats of suicide.
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
From what you've said your partner is super-manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive, and the relationship sounds dangerously codependent . He knows you're on the hook too.

We all need to learn our own life lessons eh, and far be it from me to tell anyone what's what, but it sounds to me like you're in danger (no matter how much you can handle yourself) - there's red flags all over the place from what you've said.

You're worth more than this - far more. All you need to do now is to come to believe that yourself
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Thank you 💛 and @deficiT everyone cheers I'm really upset so thanks a lot
 
I'm happy that you're planning on entering treatment, take care of your needs first and foremost.
 
schizoinfective said:
yeah.. you are being *bit* and hit, it is far beyond emotional abuse. i know you love him, but the longer you drag it out, the worse it will be for you, and someone like that (the red flags of slandering you) is going to really try to fuck with you whenever you do pull the trigger. its nice to have someone, but the trauma you are doing to yourself isn't going to kick in until you are out of the situation, and its just going to be worse the longer you wait, not to mention the abuse will get worse and worse. its going to be difficult, especially living with him. if you want to feel better about it - you be the one to move out (if thats reasonable in your situation).



from what it sounds like, i dont think this person loves you, not in any reasonable sense of the word.

and to be blunt, the way you love him isn't reasonable either (even solely taking into account letting him bite you then sleep in bed next to you)

heres a better song actually
Click to expand...


Sorry I can't quote right tonight but thanks what you say is so true I shoulda got out before and it wasn't right me staying with him after he abused me like it was bad I'm lucky where it was that it's not visible. I thought it was a blip at the start and that's worrying why I thought like that to start with.
This is sort of good to keep a record cause I would just forget, that's my tactic on a daily basis but hopefully that will be changing soon.
Thanks again gives me hope @everyone...
Anyone reading as well that may be going through similar btw I'll put up some links if I can that may be useful soon. I'm gonna try and educate myself first and not be roped in to the fake 'love' and maybe we can help each other. 👍❤️
Thanks again 😌
 
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I'm gonna add links to videos for anyone who may benefit from learning before getting in to a relationship like mine✌️
I am gonna set up a volunteering position soon but gotta get well first! Impossible the now. Suppose I can focus on the positives from the experience like @ageingpartyfiend said 🤛🙂 learning experience an aw that
 
Man, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know it's tough. And I know you know this, but you gotta get out. I get that it hurts, but it's not going to get easier.
That kind of dynamic will chip away at you until there is nothing left to chip at. A strong indicator of being subjected to emotional manipulation is resentment. Being on the receiving end of manipulations makes you feel guilt from the words they impose on you. Pangs of shame and guilt. And I get that you feel that you can't leave - but you can't wait for your mind to suddenly change. That won't happen just like that.


There's something called paradoxical therapy, iirc - you might find it useful. Victims of (especially) this kind of manipulation forget their own valid claims, because the emotions the abuser stirs in them highlights the manipulators claims, and makes the victim remove focus from their own.
Paradoxical therapy is attempts to rebalance this by moving focus to the absurdity of the manipulators' claim, in order to re-focus your own.

This is something you can do at home - has he called you names? Has he beaten you anymore? Write it down, and try to see the absurdity of his behavior becoming normalized, and to get out of his grip. This is a very simple exercise against complex emotional wounds, but it might help a bit to get going.

I hope you get away man - for you, but also him, and I include him two reason;

1. I get that you care for him despite how contradictory that is from the outside, and nobody in their sound mind is that spiteful and callous.
2. if it helps you to get him off your back, realize this is for the best of both of you, because it is. Don't forget that he's abusive, but don't deny that he's broken either. But unfortunately man, you can't put him before yourself and you are not the one who can fix him.

Take care dude - I know you can do this. :)
 
I'm on a cocktail of drugs so I didn't read the rest of the thread.

Depression plagues humankind. We are told we aren't pretty enough The worse, for me, is -probably - the personality thing.

Am I such a shithead than on-one wants me?

But then - please consider - there are so many amazing people out there without the self confidence they deserve.

So many of you beautiful BL people make my heart warm.

You guys are imperfect (sure, so am I a thousand times), but I say fuck perfecion.

It is what makes you unique that makes you perfetc.
 
Thanks so much @tubgirl.jpg 💛
And I will look in to it. I'm going to be getting EMDR therapy possibly once I meet with my new psychologist and see if it's right. So I'll ask her about it thanks. Edit: just re-read your post. That's actually exactly what I've been doing that's helped recently is challenge everything through a different perspective 😃 minus writing it down but I will actually start writing down the nasty things a lot that I was put through because I have a problem with romanticising the relationship like the last time I took him back.

So I have managed to get his mum on board to help finally, and she took him to his place yesterday and surprisingly it went ok so far, bit dramatic but ok. I think he is a nice person deep down but I don't think he can help but to fall in to the same pattern again and again and it's literally crazy cause he doesn't feel he needs to do anything about it and that me being a doormats fine.
Fuck it anyway. I have my detox on the second week of August and I turn 30 before that so I'm not fucking about anymore.
I thought for a long time it was depression etc but when I noticed patterns and actually REALIZED that it's all manipulation and all about him then at some point I've had to put myself first. I was gonna go crazy or kill myself.
I've managed to be a lot more productive already today and I even managed to drink less alcohol last night. This site has really helped me to come to the conclusions I needed to, I'm very greatful for that, and I think finally the stars have aligned somehow. I actually would now prefer to be alone at this moment than in any relationship. They are a lot of effort lol but one day at a time!
 
One bit that stands out for me is the line in your first post "and no matter what I do I can't be comfortable myself alone."

It's self concept stuff, what cbt would call a negative automatic thought. It's anxiety and, when all said and done, a lie. Being alone for a while is quite likely exactly what your being needs

Sounds like you're coming round to that thinking yourself. The detox and some (good) therapy will be fundamental to healing - you've fucking got this
 
There's an old statement. People learn to love each other. True love is probably out there but you may never find it. It depends on how flirtatious you are and how open minded you are.

If true love exists, it proably passes us by.
 
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