Feel stuck in a bad trip. Need your help!

[randomgirl]

Hi guys! I'm from Ukraine, 20 y.o., and really need your help!

6 month ago I did NBOMe with a very unpleasant set and setting. Before the trip I felt extremely bad because of a challenging life situation + after effects of amphetamine (I used it a lot to pass the exams). Don't ask me how I decided to do psychedelics, that is currently the worst decision I've ever made in my life. The whole trip was an extremely anxious and terrifying experience: I felt disoriented, depersonalized, scared of everything around. It also included a few truly pleasant moments, but in all my trip was horrible. People's faces looked distorted, objects moved and surfaces waved. That chaos in my head was impossible to explain, my thoughts were racing, morphing from one to another. All I wanted was to end this hell. Good thing was that I took 1/4 of a tab as it's a pretty low dosage.

In a month I started experiencing panic attacks, after which I realized I still felt like I was tripping. Some time passed and severe depersonalization kicked in. I started feeling depressed and suicidal. My thoughts were all about my mental state. I suspected I had some kind of mental illness, like schizophrenia or psychosis. I started my own research over the internet on this particular topic, I read thousands of articles, trip reports, recovery blogs and stuff, including 'Depersonalization Manual' by Shaun O'Connor. By now I had 4 psychotherapy sessions which helped me to believe I was not schizophrenic/psychotic. Recently I have been to psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressant + neuroleptic + nootropic + vitamins. I had been on antidepressant for a month already before I was prescribed with meds, and it didn't work properly until I started taking neuroleptics.

So, now I'm still feeling weird like I'm permanently stuck in that trip. Depersonalization is very little now, it nearly went away. I have nightmares in which I experience the same horrible feelings of despair and being trapped in some kind of parallel dimension. Dreams' plots are usually different, but the visual setting is commonly dark and very abstract, I would say, even trippy. Every day I wake up and bless god for being finally awake. I also have mild HPPD: floaters, negative afterimages, light sensitivity and sometimes auras around moving objects. During the day I usually experience kind of flashbacks, they are never visual, only mental, for me it feels like I'm back in that horrible times when I felt I was constantly tripping from day to day.

If anyone can relate to this or give an advice, please, answer. Every reply is extremely precious to me!

 

[marsmellow]

I wouldn't be too worried about psychosis, your post doesn't sound like that at all. It seems like the trip triggered some sort of PTSD type of illness. Good news though: this can be treated! There are a number of different treatments for it. Also, I had one LSD trip that completely altered the way I saw people and society, in a very negative way, but my perception did return to normal after some time. So I think it's likely that this will pass eventually. It seems like more anxiety/trauma type of problem than a psychosis problem.

 

[Volsam]

I agree with marsmellow, it appears to be a deep seated anxiety/psychological trauma that was forced out to the conscious surface after using a psychedelic. If therapy session are helping, keep going to them, start a daily diary where you write down all your happenings. Also, I'd suggest spending more time in nature, get out of busy city life, be with people who love and care for you. Keep working on yourself, remember, Mind Over Matter! Check out the book Spiritual Emergency by Stanislav Grof as well!

Btw, do you know what kind of NBOMe was it?..

Best of luck to you!

 

[Rob Wiz]

Hey

Like the others said, it doesn't sound like you are actually in a psychotic state or affected by some more severe mental illness because the way you write is perfectly coherent and descriptive. It sounds like there are some derealization issues coupled with anxiety and some possible trauma (also possibly some serotonin imbalance?), which can feel very overwhelming and terrifying.
Thing you have to remind yourself of is that this is a temporary state and you will get better. It takes time and work, but it will eventually be done.

Try to comfort yourself in any way possible, go for walks, meditate, do things you enjoy and be true to your personal desires. Try to surround yourself with people you trust and seek comfort in honest conversation.
Psychedelics tend to pull you out of your accustomed awareness into a place where you feel detached from any context and meaning - then they take you back to normal life, but a part of you still hovers in that empty space trying to get a grip on anything it can. The important thing here is that life is always that way. It's always a big mystery that we have to make sense of in desperate ways; we just tend to forget that over our day to day routines, and psychedelics are a means of reminding you of the big struggle, the big mystery, the big joke. So you have to accept this reality and agree to be a part of the ride again.

I wish you the best on your journey. Here are lots of great folks if you ever need someone to talk to.

Peace

 

[randomgirl]

I completely agree with you. My situation is very similar to PTSD, but it only scares me, because this condition is rather difficult to treat. Once I googled 'PTSD after bad trip' and read numerous of similar stories, most of them didn't looked succesful and it made me feel so bad. If I were smarter, I wouldn't go so deep into research and get myself drown in negative information.

As long as I live I remember myself being neurotic with high anxiety level. Anxiety was a 'starter' condition for my current problem. For me stress started a few month before the actual trip, I had challenging life situation including miserable romantic relationship. So for me not only the trip is traumatic, but also a period before it.

 

[randomgirl]

Thank you for reply! I also agree with it. I have contemplated PTSD as well and currently am sure I have smth like it. You are right, I had a lot of stressful and traumatic events before the trip and they actually triggered my condition. Active way of life helps me a lot, especially spending time on fresh air in nature or getting on with new people. But my dissociation just breaks it all making me emotionally numb to everything that happens around me, also tends me to ask numerous existential questions and find any possible meaning of life around. Often simple things like a tree leave or a dog make me think like "what is that? why does it look this way? what's the matter?" I notice that I'm all the time focused on myself, on what I feel and what I've been through. It feels like a mental cage

Thanks for the book, I assume it's right what I need now. I will check it out as soon as possible.

I truly don't know what kind of substance that was, it looked like a simple tab, but the dosage on it was for 3 people, kinda strong. I can only say it was yellow)

 

[greenchartreuse]

I've had 2 of this type of episode- once when I was 19 and just starting college, and once when I was about 30. The one at age 19 happened the day after I took 1/2 ecstasy pill. I didn't feel high or "rolling" from the ecstasy and I was told later that it was cut with something although I'm not sure what. Everyone else that took it was fine, but I couldn't sleep for over a week and thought I was going crazy. I started experiencing panic attacks and intense fear, and anxiety about my body. It was kind of like a weird manic episode and it took a while to get back to normal. Sleeping was gradual- first about an hour a night (after the initial week of insomnia) and then eventually got back to normal over the course of a month or so. The second one was not drug related but I was about 30 and started experiencing the depersonalization and general feeling of things not being quite real. This state lasted much longer and ended up forcing me to make some significant life changes after which the state changed and now I am fine. I know it's not exactly the same as what you are going through but my point is that it is temporary. However it does sound like you have some PTSD symptoms (dissociation, nightmares) related to your difficult trip so it's good that you are going to therapy.

 

[randomgirl]

Thank you for reply! I'm very glad you recovered after those episodes! A week of insomnia sounds horrible...
I know sometimes ecstasy works not in a proper way, especially if you're not sure what's inside the pill. I also have 2 weird and overwhelming experiences on random pills I got in a club. Btw how long did your depersonalization last? Few months or more? Just interesting.

After I made this post and saw people send feedback, it made me feel much better and safer. I'm still feeling dissociated, but not actually depersonalized, so its good. My nightmares are non-typical and almost never concern the actual events of the trip. I had really tough times before it and suppose they are a part of trauma as well. My dreams are usually very abstarct and dissociative, I would say. There is never a straight connection between things and mostly no clear story. During the dreams I always experience a feeling of being in another dimension, where everything consists of my memories and feelings of my bad past. When I wake up it takes me time to come back to reality. For that reason sleeping became for me something unpleasant and just physically needed.

But now I can surely say that I feel much better after 6 months of recovery. I try to convience myself to be positive about everything happening to me and not to forget noticing the improvement. I believe that if my condition didn't get worse, and it certainly got better, then that's what recovery probably is...)

 

[MSK]

I completely agree with you. My situation is very similar to PTSD, but it only scares me, because this condition is rather difficult to treat. Once I googled 'PTSD after bad trip' and read numerous of similar stories, most of them didn't looked succesful and it made me feel so bad. If I were smarter, I wouldn't go so deep into research and get myself drown in negative information.

As long as I live I remember myself being neurotic with high anxiety level. Anxiety was a 'starter' condition for my current problem. For me stress started a few month before the actual trip, I had challenging life situation including miserable romantic relationship. So for me not only the trip is traumatic, but also a period before it.

Reading you it seems you have got some issues with your past life you didn't confronted/accepted. Usually, a chronic anxiety disorder has got a lot to do with unsolved traumas from the past.

Also, if you have recently seen your relationship fall apart, this is a lot of pain to process and confront for some of us. The end of a romantic relationship always leaves me aphatic, dissociated and anxious for many, many months... The worse was one time that I ended up falling down in a spiral of ketamine, alprazolam and GHB daily abuse in order to avoid dealing with the end of the relationship for two years, beeing more depressed each day that passed.

I can see how with that set&setting you could end up in a bad mental place for some long time, specially if the psychedelic experience bringed any past unresolved problems that you didn't wanted to work over.

Time heals nearly everything, try to follow the advice of the other people that commented and you will be fine, but try to figure out what is making you anxious in the first place, understanding and listening to oneself is the better way of dealing with life problems

You also seem to be a little obsessive, that's never good, I can reflect on that. I know reading about health issues with symptoms that can concur with mines I will just be obsessed and falling in thought loops about the matter for a long time.

Nice you are doing psychotherapy! My psychiatrist has made me improve my personal life in so many way, and accept myself and parts of my life I didn't even knew I was bothered with. Try to work on your traumas and bad experiences in life with him/her, it's painful but it feels so good and relieving to do it. Accepting your past, not thinking very much on the hypotetical future and trying to live on the present is the road to happiness. You'll need to be very confortable with your psychatrist or psychologist though, I had very bad experiences until I found the holy grial with my current one

I know... To talk is free, and I can't even apply all the shit I say to myself, but I fucking try very hard nearly everyday. One love and luck with your life!

 

[randomgirl]

Thank you for reply! I'm very pleased you understand me so good. Your story seems very common to me. My relationship really fuck me up together with unsolved personal issues. I remember how every negative piece of my past was brought to the surface during my trip. I tried to handle it, but keeping control only worsened the situation. Now I understand that I only had to let myself relax and feel it, yet I struggled with my sensations that made me fall into a loop of anxiety.

One guy on Shroomery suggested to smoke weed. First I didn't take it seriously cause I quitted all drugs in March because of my depersonalization and didn't want to relapse. But somehow I decided to try and it really helped me to reintegrate some traumatic memories and decrease my fear over some triggering things. Now I reread my own post and realized that I'm feeling much better since that time. Flashbacks no longer disturb me as well as nightmares.

One thing I realized recently is that in fact the biggest trauma for me was not a whole trip, but a particular feeling of detachment. My major problem now is dissociation, because it really messed up with my perception and all I want it to see the world through my clear mind but not this shitty-spaced-out-unreal and stuff.

So, thanks once again)

May I ask? What are you struggling with right now? How are you feeling?

 

[Solipsis]

There seem to be other people experiencing chronic problems after NBOMe use but also psychedelics in general. There may be a lot of differences between cases.

Still, you might want to post in the long-term NBOMe side-effects thread here: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/672333-NBOMe-Subthread-Long-term-Side-effects.

Psychedelics in general may precipitate these kinds of syndromes (varying from depression to anxiety/panic to obsessive/compulsive to depersonalization/derealization) and it is hard to say whether this is an individual sensitivity which just gets triggered rather strongly but would have been inevitable anyway.
A big study did not find a correlation between psychedelics and mental illness yet puzzlingly the above types of disorders seem to be the non-developmental ones. I think they often involve certain loops in the brain making something spiral out of control (a negative thought or an anxious thought).

Smoking weed normally seems like a terrible suggestion! Yes weed can be relaxing, but it is often pretty bad for depersonalization/derealization and can worsen a lot of mental issues. I think it's a fair suggestion for someone who is just stressed from things that happen rather than related to other mental problems. Glad it worked for you though, that's lucky.

I've had troubling years after psychedelics following a very extreme trip and mystical state, basically an existential crisis but especially during the first year/years things felt pretty unreal to me and it felt very confusing to me to be aware of myself.

Looking back I think that these are natural consequences of suddenly gaining certain awareness. Normally this is developed naturally over time but without that development it felt hard to come up with answers related to that awareness or even questions arising from it!
I think unrealness is a sensation that arises from dissonance: conflicting information... because I think we get our feeling of realness from things being consistent, so that our mind can make a consistent stream of consciousness and a model of the world without incongruities.
There is something called Capgras syndrome where people feel like their loved ones / long known friends etc are imposters, this is caused by a loss of connection between recognizing these friends/family and feeling an emotional response. So if you recognize someone but don't feel like you normally would with them, they would seem like imposters / unreal.

My theory is that something similar might be true for other cases like derealization. Not necessarily that you are lacking emotional response to things (although with depersonalization I think emotional response is confused or changed at least), but that a disconnect occurs because of looking at things so differently. Your new perspective of the world and how you feel about it etc, all of that has to integrate and come together again, get connected. The last thing you'd need is to reinforce feelings that things are all wrong, it seems harder to reintegrate when you are rejecting it. IMO you'd want to embrace your new perspective and try to adapt as best you can. It may take time, but in my experience this works. A challenge is to keep functioning and keep things on track so that you get a chance to reintegrate, if things fall apart that would of course only reinforce disjointed feelings.

Stay away from drugs as best you can, I'd say all of them. If you have a tendency to keep taking drugs, see if you can't get legit therapy that is the responsible alternative to self-medicating a problem. I stayed away from drugs for 6 months after shit hit the fan for me, after that I started tripping again to get answers and experimenting with lots of things... I can't recommend it.

Again, this is just my theory and based on my experience but my case may be different from yours. I also have other problems like an attention disorder, things you may not have (although you did take amph functionally)...

Flashbacks are possible but involve reliving specific traumatic/overly intense experiences of the past, not vaguely feelings you associate with the past.

PTSD would rather be the issue if you more generally experience high levels of anxiety from memories of the past in general, so rather the problems of the past in general. There are treatments for it. It can take a fair bit of time to learn emotionally again that you are safe and not anymore as in trouble as you used to be.