favorite joke?

Not really a joke but still funny as hell
Top Ten Things to Do After giving a Blowjob
10.Finish your confession
9.Bite
8.Massage into scalp, lather, rinse, repeat
7.Return to gimp cage
6.Don't leave until letter of recommendation is signed
5.Tell the officer that it won't happen again
4.Exit restroom, return to class
3.introduce yourself
2.Look in the mirror and say "Gee I'm a glazed donut"
1. Swallow
 
This one's kinda a Gay joke.....no offese intended towards gays, but I just get a little kick out of this one....
One day a man is walking down the street and starts to get really thirsty. He looks up and happens to be standing next to a gay bar. Not really caring that it's a gay bar, he walks in, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "What's the name of your penis?"
The man replies," Hey, I'm not into all of that, I just want a drink cuz I'm thirsty."
and the Bartender says," Look buddy, in this bar we don't serve drinks until you tell me the name of your penis."
Annoyed, the man looks at the fellow sitting next to him drinking a martini and asks him, "hey buddy, what's the name of your penis?" and the man replies, "Timex"
"Why Timex?" The straight man asks.
"cuz it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." replies the man.
The straight man is kinda taken aback by this and turns to the man on his other side drinking a beer and asks him, "what's the name of your penis?"
The other gay man replies, "Ford"
and the straight man asks, "why, cause quality is job one?"
"no, lemme ask you, Have you driven a Ford lately?" the man replies.
The straight man is even more surprised and taken aback than before, so he stops for a while and thinks to himself.
A few minutes later he comes back to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "What's the name of your penis?" and the man replies, "Secret". The bartender says ok and gives him his drink, but before the man leaves the bartender asks him, "why'd you name it Secret?" and to this the straight man replies,
"Cause it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
He,He,Ha,Ha!!! God I kill myself!
smile.gif

Again, I intend no offense towards gays or homosexuality....just thought this was a funny one.....
as always, PLUR baby, PLUR!
Chipmunk
 
Here's a couple in the Yo Mamma category...
Yo Mamma is so Fat......when she goes to the movies she sits next to everybody!
Yo mamma is so poor......she can't even pay attention!
Yo mamma is so fat......that when she steps onto a talking scale it says, "One at a time please."
heh, had to throw those into the mix too.....
as always, PLUR baby, PLUR...
Chipmunk
 
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron. " He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits
it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.Las Vegas."
They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000, black 6. "
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Black 6! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
When kissed, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
-----------------------------
my favorite Rodney Dangerfield one-liners:
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born .... The doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father..... I'm very sorry......We did everything we could......But he pulled through."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
various:
---------------------------
what do you call a Mexican hooker with no legs?
Cuntsuelo
-----------------------------------
A conceited guy is fucking this conceited girl, she says, "aren't I tight?", he replies, "no, just full."
--------------------------------
Your momma douches with rid-a-bug.
---------------------------------
definition of a 'henpecker': a man who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife he's sterile
------------------
Brock
"I will sleep when I die."
[This message has been edited by Brock (edited 12 January 2000).]
 
Here's a good one I got today:
> Got a letter from Grandma the other day.> She writes...
> The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
> "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I> was feeling
> particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling
> choir performance, followed by a thunderous
> prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy,
> I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience> that followed!
> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
> thought about the Lord and how good He is...
> and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
> someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
> honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love> Jesus!
> Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
> like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window> and screamed,
> "For the love of GOD!> GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
> What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
> honking! I just leaned out of my window> and started
> waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a
> few times to share in the excitement of the> moment!
> There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
> yelling something about a "sunny
> beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
> finger stuck up in the air. Then I
> asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said
> that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
> sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I
> leaned out the window and gave him the good
> luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was> enjoying
> this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in
> the joy of the moment that they got out of
> their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray
> or ask what church I attended, but this is
> when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters
> and brothers grinning, and drove on through> the intersection.
> I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
> before the light changed again and I felt kind of
> sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I
> slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
> and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove> away.
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks
------------------
If you can't change it - get over it. If you can - do!
 
A man is having problems with his penis which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis.”
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, “Oh no, only 30 times! We
shouldn’t waste that; we should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”
======
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.”
“Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, “What is Easter?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
===
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can’t lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
“What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?” she asks.
“I’m just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady”, replies the golfer.
“Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you’ve done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!”
The golfer starts laughing hysterically.
“What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?” she screams at him.
“I’m not laughing about that - I’m laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!”
 
Subject: Fwd: Fw: chinese proverbs
> >
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Passionate kiss like spider web: soon lead to undoing of fly.
Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes, soon burn out.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who lives in glass house should shit in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who stand on toilet,high on pot
------------------
If you can't change it - get over it. If you can - do!
 
Whats pink, wrinkly, smells of piss and hangs out your grandpas underpants?
Your Grandma.
 
A little Bosnian girl wakes up from a coma after stepping on a landmine and says "doctor I cant feel my legs" To which the doctor replies "Yes, I know, we had to amputate your arms".
The sick ones are the best.
 
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
bunny farts
What's invisible and smells like dog food?
old people farts
An old man and woman meet in a convalescent center, hit it off and decide to have sex. They start taking off their clothes when the old lady says, "I think I should let you know I have acute angina." The old man looks up and says, "Good thing, 'cause yer tits sure are ugly."
Another old lady and man are sitting in the same covalescent home. The old man turns to her and says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old lady says, "Sure I can, but you'll have to unzip your fly." He does, she reaches into his pants and starts feeling around his crotch. She stops and says, "You're 83." He says, "Wow, that's amazing...how did you know?" Lady says, "You told me yesterday."
AND NOW FOR THE REALLY OFFENSIVE STUFF. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
How many times can a real man make a woman orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you done told da bitch twice already!
Okay bluelight ladies, I expect many "man jokes," so bring da pain...you know how much I love it!
BTW, I have an entire list of big dick jokes that I posted a while back. I can post 'em again if people want me to.
------------------
I can't stand the itching but I don't mind the swelling...
 
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front,
and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.
A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of
the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in
line like this?"
The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line
for our lollipops."
"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't
had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."
A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little,
old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"
She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they
keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em
------------------
There is no end to the adventures we can have if we seek
them with our eyes wide open
 
What's pink and screams?
A freshly peeled baby in a bowl of salt
The standard "no offense, i just find it funnny" disclaimer applies to the next 2 jokes....don't lynch me
Why is Gary Glitter like Rum?
They both come in tots
Why is Gary Glitter like father Christmas?
They both leave kids rooms with empty sacks
 
What's the best part about fucking a 4 year old?
Hearing the pelvis crack.
What's the worst part?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
 
Mr Sticky,
Heh, and your asking me if I'm Creepy in real life?! Hah! But I do like the way you think too......ha, hah....
PLUR baby, PLUR...
Chipmunk
 
Mr. Sticky, I know those jokes. Only I tell them slightly differently and in a series of four:
How do you make your dick look bigger?
Pull it out of a 9-year-old boy's ass.
What's so great about fucking a 9-year-old boy?
Listening to him cry.
How do you make a 9-year-old boy cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
What's so great about fucking a 9-year-old girl?
Turn her over and she looks like a 9-year-old boy.
 
We are all sick, sick people. I would suggest forming a support group, but apparently we already have.
 
ok ok so what does it take to make a dead baby float??
one scoop ice cream one scoop dead baby
whats red and goes around and around?
baby in a garbage disposal
ok i heard this joke today but oce again "no offense, i just find it funny"
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both like to put their meat between 8 year old buns
haha, sick fucks!
smile.gif
smile.gif
smile.gif
smile.gif
smile.gif

------------------
"We hold these experiences to be self-evident, that all is equal, that the creation endows us with certain inalienable rights, that among them are: the freedom of the body, the pursuit of joy, and the expansion of consciousness."
 
speaking of Michael Jackson...
He was in his private jet one day with a 10 year old boy who had won a competition to be there, and a pilot(duh). They were flying above his property and he was giving the little boy a guided tour.
"Look, there's Never Never Land, that's Bubbles down there, and LOOK! There's my house!"
Anyway, about 1/2 an hour into the flight the left engine blows....then the right.
The pilot yells at Michael and the little boy to put on their parachutes...unfortunately there's only two there.
"Get a fucking chute on brother! This plane is goin' down! We gonna be dead if you don't hurry yo lily ass up!"
The pilot automatically get one, 'cause, well, 'cause he's the pilot and he just does, BUT...Michael being the caring individual that he is, began to contemplate over whether to give the little boy the parachute, or take it for himself..i mean there were so many options to weigh up...but thats another joke.
Pressed in his decision Michael asks the pilot...the pilot says:
"Yo Michael, brother!...FUCK tha little kid!"
to which Michael replies...
"Oh....do we have time?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top