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Father-in-law video taping wife's crotch?

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unique1va

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2015
Messages
9
Last week my we met up with all my brother-in-laws and sister-in-laws to include everyone's children and my wife's parents. On the last day of our trip my father-in-law shared a video tape that he took earlier on that day on the beach of the entire family at random. About midway through the video my father-in-law zoomed in on us as a couple laying on the beach on our towels, he then took the camera and zoomed in on my wife's vagina for more than just a couple seconds. Keep in mind that 15-20 people were watching this video, kids included. You could have heard a pin drop when that part of the video came on.

My wife was outraged and I was heated but we held our composure until the time was right. My wife demanded to talk to both the mother and father about the issue. There was no denial in the allegations, the reply was, "It was just done in good humor." Since this time my wife has had all sorts of suppressed memories surface and she's very upset, feels defiled, degraded, disrespected and scared of the incident. Keep in mind that my wife was emotionally and physically abused by her father and has recently been exploring thoughts of being sexually abused prior to this incident. My wife is disgusted by her past and the many forms of abuse she received throughout her adult life and knows that "something" drove her mad. My wife has never had a normal, civil or loving relationship up until we met. Since I know her so very well its also obvious to myself and PHD's that we've consulted with that severe damage in earlier years steered her into 15 years of emotion, physical and sexual abuse.

Since none of us know one another I thought it would be a good idea hear what any of you think about this. My brother-in-law classifies this as very bad judgment on his part, my sister-in-law thinks states he's always had sick/twisted sense of humor, others have alarmed us stating that we should not allow our daughter or any other children to be alone with the grandfather. We've had some people tell us how sick this is or how he needs help. I've supported my wife through this and even sent an email to her sisters stating that it may be a wise idea to keep an eye out for inappropriate behavior and YES then email may have eluded to her father being a pervert. It appears as though I've struck a cord with one of the sisters by the potential allegation against the father but should I be regretful in expressing my concerns?

How would you "women" feel if your father did this to you and how would you react? How would you "men" feel if this happened to either your daughter or wife?
 
I'm struggling to find a context where this could be excusable. There isn't one. We only have your version/words but from that it can only be concluded your wife's father is a sexual abuser. Why wouldn't you cut him out of your life is the question you should be asking.
 
StoneHappyMonday said:
I'm struggling to find a context where this could be excusable. There isn't one. We only have your version/words but from that it can only be concluded your wife's father is a sexual abuser. Why wouldn't you cut him out of your life is the question you should be asking.
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I agree. I don't know why so many people insist on maintaining contact with their abusive parents and inlaws. Papa Pederaster thinks the camera inciden is only light hearted family fun. This just one incident in a lifetime of (sexual) abuse. it's going to happen again and might even involve your children (or his other grand children) the next time if it hasn't already. It's time to cut off all contact fovever.
 
I've brand new to blogs or online forums but what a fantastic help. I encourage as many random third parties to continue to comment.
 
You should not feel regretful for expressing your concerns at all. Regardless what everyone else says - your wife knows that there is something off about the situation and really that's all that matters.

To record your wifes privates and then show them to the family should set alarm bells off for everyone that his abusive tendencies are still in force and the fact that she is a married woman makes no difference to him as he is still his to do what he wants.

I would not be leaving my children with him unattended, I would get your wife to maybe see a councilor and I would either bring the entire thing up with the family or I would be cutting contact.

He will not change.
 
What a creepy guy. I would not have anything to do with him, and stop talking to him or seeing him socially even if that means not going to certain family gatherings where he is. I would not put your kids (if you have them), or other relatives' children alone around him either.
 
Wow! Everyone is fairly consistent on the reply. I actually started questioning myself when my brother-in-law chalked it up to a "bad judgment call" but then again he was raised in a highly abusive family as well. I also started second guessing myself when my sister-in-law began making excuses such as "its the era in which he was raised in, men from that era disrespect women" but then again were talking about someone who lived in a highly abusive household: no affection, no passion and the worst kind of marital role models. After reviewing this with third party acquaintances prior to the blog I just had to make sure my thoughts, my wife's thoughts and others are valid and rational. Its obvious that my statement to the siblings came across offensive as they claim it eludes to pedophilia which it does but I've warned everyone based on what I've heard prior to the incident, what other family members have said and what I just saw. I'm going to guard my daughter and my wife from any potential harm. It seems as if everyone within the family has always swept the emotional, physical and God knows what other forms of abuse right under the rug. It's very hard for me to comprehend how even one person cannot see the vast majorities point or how this cannot possibly be alarming?
 
What you decribe with the inlaws is a classic pattern of abuse. The abuser and the supporters of the abuser make the abused question themselves. They make the victim feel like they ahve bad judgement, are wrong, and make the victim question their own perception of the events. The fact that the inlaws are taking the old man's side tells me they were probably witnessed the abuse. When they were children, they had to take the old man's side or they would also be abused. I thiknk social workers call people like them "broken children." Join in the abuse and back the abuser or be abused yourself.
 
There is NOTHING about the situation that is okay. Nothing. You did the right thing. Keep supporting your wife, as I'm sure you'll do.
I'd wonder if something happened to her sisters as well, as the one became defensive.
 
unique1va said:
It seems as if everyone within the family has always swept the emotional, physical and God knows what other forms of abuse right under the rug. It's very hard for me to comprehend how even one person cannot see the vast majorities point or how this cannot possibly be alarming?
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This is exactly the type of behavior the abuser wants - control over the situation based on fear. It could be a physical fear or retribution or it could be the 'shame' of the entire thing and the self doubt of 'did I incite this' or 'was I in the wrong'. Then when you have a large family (as it sounds the case here) there is also the fear of people not believing you and you bringing 'shame' to the family etc

Just going on your post and the reactions of the other siblings - this does sound like more of the family were caught up in the fathers abuse.
 
just cut him out out your life and keep your kids away from him. one of my friends mum was abused by her grandad and her parents never knew why she put up such a fight about not wanting to go round there.

another friends mum was raped by her stepdad (although the grandmother in this case is a full blown sociopath who ridiculed the child when she told her).

creepy as fuck and socially unacceptable especially in front of children. what a nasty thing to do. cut contact with HIM
 
That type of behavior is pretty sick seeing how it is his own daughter's crotch he is looking at.

I hate to say it but that type of behavior is not usually a one time thing.

So as what to do, that is up to you but damn that sure is a bad situation. That puts a wedge in the family and is a white elephant you cannot ignore.

You have to make a choice with your wife as to whether or not you want that man in your life. You know you can't trust him because if he does that in front of people, imagine what he does/did behind closed doors. So that being said I personally would never leave a child alone with him. He is a grown man and well he made his bed, so he should sleep in it. I personally would be done with him if the wife was. As for the children I would protect them at whatever cost to the relationship with the wife.
 
Each sibling has specific horrific stories but none of them shared most of them until mid-30's. Each sibling saw nothing but abuse. Evidently the father used to drink far more and the rage and violence was far worse but he still as of today's date abuses his wife and offends people. You can tell that the eldest sister feels as though she got all the help she needed, refers to meditation, breathing exercises and YOGA but I know from experience that she hasn't faced what happened, doesn't want to remember and has her head in the sand.
 
I feel its a bit unfair of you to say she is burying her head in the sand and hasn't faced what has happened. Everyone copes with these things differently and not everyone wants to open up old wounds just because somebody else wants to talk about things.

All the family have now left home, they are discovering that there was a pattern of abuse (that the wife knew about for sure) his wife has chosen to stay with him and that is her choice. You simply cut this guy out of your lives - if the rest of the family are all prepared to ignore the years of abuse etc then that is their choice and you and your wife and your family just stay clear.
 
Congrats on keeping composer last time I dealt with something of this nature a severely beat the scum there and then (and no I don't regret it people like this deserve to be locked in windowless cell until they die of old age just my opinion) cut ties and advise the family to never leave him alone with a child even for a minute if they insist on keeping contact. people like this don't change sexual abuse can't be tolerated or ignored

Best of luck
 
I would suggest finding a very good therapist to work with you and your wife. Where you abused as well? If not you need to read up on abuse and what it does to you, it gives people notoriously bad judgement do not listen to any of these people they are recreating the situations they where in and will "sniff" out abusers to abuse themselves and their as well as your children the irony being that they will come across as being extremely obsessed about who hangs around being abusers but will pick the abuser every time without realizing it. Go with your gut and what is right don't let them second guess your instincts.
 
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