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False Forgiveness

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do14

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 19, 2013
Messages
3
Hello. I have visited Bluelight on many occasions and for many different reasons. I have always found it helpful and this is the first time I am having to post as usually there is already a discussion about what I am needing to know! A brief background.....I have struggled with opiate addiction for the past two years. I preferred Oxy and my tolerance is quite high. I was able to stop taking them last summer (July 2012), only to relapse four months later in November. I am currently 21 days opiate free. The process was miserable....hopefully bad enough that I will never take another opiate again.

I am in a relationship that is very important to me. My significant other and I have been through a lot! We were disconnected for a long time. Our break up all those years ago had nothing to do with feelings or emotions.....he was not traveling the same path I was. Time went by and he grew up...our paths crossed and we picked up right where we left off. Everything was great....until he cheated with his ex. I was devastated. It was a one time thing and he redeemed himself. Ten months later there is another incident. This time it wasn't physical, but texting and such. More of an emotional affair. We were not effectively communicating with one another at the time. Although him handling it by talking to another woman is not acceptable, I knew that I played a role in his actions and I was able to get over it. The real problem is that I am not over any of it.

Since stopping the pills, I am in so much pain and turmoil over the decisions that he has made. We have not had one issue in the past year, but suddenly I can't get over the fact that he wasn't completely faithful all that time ago. I am now realizing that I was able to forgive because of the pills. I had no idea that they were helping me with that issue, but they were. My personality is not really one to forgive that type of indiscretion. It makes me wonder if his actions are part of the reason I took the pills. I never realized that I was avoiding emotions. So now, this poor guy! He is living in hell with me. I have been completely honest with him about everything. He will do anything to make me feel better and to help me really forgive him. I hate what I am putting him through but dealing with this has been awful. The betrayal just sits in your gut.

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? You were able to forgive because you were not in a sober state of mind? If so how did you handle it? I have researched and read everything I can find. I am working on ways to redirect my mind when the negative thoughts occur, but I really need to figure out how to keep the negative thoughts from coming. Sorry this turned out so lengthy. Thank you for any help and insight you can provide. This situation has honestly blind sided me.
 
I don't have direct experience of addiction, but I do have experience of resentment in relationships and difficulties letting go of past betrayals. There are a few things you need to ask yourself:

  • When you said you forgave him at the time, was it you talking or did you use the drugs to mask off the extent of the hurt - which is why you're only experiencing the painful feelings now? If so, this is just delayed reaction and will heal with time as long as you remind yourself you're hurting now because you were too high to process the hurt fully then, and it will get better.
  • If this isn't the case, ask yourself if there are other areas where you struggle to trust him fully. After all, he betrayed you twice in a short space of time. Is he generally trustworthy? Why did you break up and get back together, was he deserving of trust in the past? If there's something niggling in the back of your mind it's intuition; don't ignore it.
  • Alternatively, people sometimes put all of the feelings they have post-withdrawal, all the yucky self-loathing and anger, into one particular thing they can obsess over. Perhaps you unconsciously chose his past behaviour as something to fixate on to divert thoughts and feelings away from the everyday post-withdrawal difficulties and bad feelings. I think going into these kind of anger loops at other people can get the drama going so you can feel alive and have another person to be angry with. If that's the case you HAVE TO STOP because it's toxic behaviour and a diversion strategy from the pain you have to go through to come out the other end. Otherwise you're just substituting one thing with another but still not facing yourself.

Not sure if this is helpful but I'm sure you'll get plenty of good advice here :) hugs!
 
A lot of people can probably relate to your situation. It's tough forgiving someone who cheated on you. Usually, you want to initially forgive them to be able to move on... but then one day, you realize that you hold a lot of inner resentment (ex. snapping at them for little things, feeling overly insecure with the relationship, difficulty trusting S/O, jealousy, etc.) It's completely normal--it happens with and without drugs. Congrats, btw. !! I know OC is a tough one.

I will tell you this, there is usually a time limit for "getting over things" which is usually determined by your partner. One day (if this continues for a while), he'll be sick of you bringing it up. SO, you need to have a good conversation with him and let him know your feelings. Your vision is going to be a lot clearer without the drugs but it's time to face the music and your demons. When times are feeling dark, true love will shine through. :)
 
wow- when you stop taking opiates your real feelings come out, who would have thought? but seriously just like the numb feelings of opiates are too much in one direction opiate withdrawl sets us up for intense feelings of rejection and disconnection from people/ low frustration tolerance in the other direction

you may have these feelings but i would bet that they are withdrawl enhanced and much more intense than how you would feel sober after a year off oxy

BUT its your relationship and if you cannot get over this its up to you to make the next move. wait until the PAWS have calmed down a bit though
 
I would definitely wait until your fully sound of mind - possibily even months, for PAWS to wear out - until you trouble yourself by overthinking this. I think that right now, you need to focus on yourself. 21 days is really awesome, REALLY AWESOME, but there is still time to go for the less apparent withdrawal symptoms going away. It may be that in 2-3 weeks you think about this again and you realize you were over exaggerating, or under exaggerating.
 
http://www.pnas.org/content/106/35/15079.full

its about opiate receptors and social rejection

what i'm saying is that you feelings of pain and rejection are linked to the still active influence (disturbed opiate receptor homeostasis) of the drugs you have finished taking. until about 3 months-6 months after if you were a very heavy user before you will be back to a more normal state of mind
 
Wow. You guys are awesome. Thank you so very much for the posts! I had hoped it would help, but you all far exceeded my expectations. I was so naive about the pills and how they were affecting my life. I never knew they could literally help mask my thoughts and emotions. I really thought we had moved on. I am not making any hasty decisions at this time - thanks for that advice! I am still reeling over the fact that I was using pills to cope. Ah! One dramatic situation at a time. Thank you all again for caring enough to post. I really appreciate it.
 
Thank you very much for the reference. The article was very scientific, but also really interesting! I have never had issues regarding rejection - social or otherwise. The research makes perfect sense though. Those who do suffer from social rejection should NEVER be prescribed an opiate of any kind. I think the oxy can cover up any negative emotions....involuntarily. I had no idea what the medicine was capable of. Thank you again.
 
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