Falling too fast for women..

[rast4man]

So im at the tail end of a year and a half relationship after a 2 year break. Upon reflection, I've noticed a pattern where I will meet a woman and instantly we mutually become very infatuated with each other. We don't properly date (courtship), spend time getting to know each other and generally do things the right way.

What happens, is we date, become physical and move in together within the first month. The end result, 3 times in a row, is that we endure the relationship for a year or more, start learning about each other (the good and bad) and then it just starts going downhill from there.

For once, I would love to try and find someone that actually wants to get to know each other during the courtship phase and take our time while maybe talking about moving in after a considerable amount of time has passed.

This past relationship was suppose to be the one. We talked about marriage (I proposed after less than a year)and having a child together. I'm almost 40 and I've never been married nor have I ever had kids. It's pretty disheartening.

Am I alone in having had acted like this? What am I doing wrong? Why am I picking women that get overly infatuated and move things along so fast that I just go with it!?

Feedback appreciated.

 

[Mysterie]

decide to take things slower in the next relationship?

if you hold off on sex for a while (month+) after meeting someone, you get to know them more as a person, rather than letting hormones take over, and become close to someone with the aid of oxytocin.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Mhm, I agree ^

I think it's wonderful that you are realizing that YOU are the problem. You're rushing into things (sex, moving in, marriage, children-talk) when it's obviously not working for you. You need to take it slow. I would even suggest being a little more casual by seeing more than one woman at a time; you know, causally date so it's not so serious. Try not to think about the age thing too much as well. It's probably a big motivator for your behavior. You have time-- relax.

 

[llama112]

Holding off sex can be a great way to take things slow. I can't imagine moving in with someone after less than a year. It's hard to say exactly how to. Don't spend every second with that person. Keep your own hobbies.

 

[apatheist]

When you first fall for someone and experience NRE (new relationship energy), you are basically high on the chemicals your own brain is producing. This gradually wears off, usually over a few months to a year, as the relationship matures. Navigating the transition can be difficult. Sometimes, people mistake NRE for "true love" and its end for "falling out of love."

 

[deano88]

When you first fall for someone and experience NRE (new relationship energy), you are basically high on the chemicals your own brain is producing. This gradually wears off, usually over a few months to a year, as the relationship matures. Navigating the transition can be difficult. Sometimes, people mistake NRE for "true love" and its end for "falling out of love."

What he said.

I don't agree with the holding off sex thing tho, if you got that chemistry and it feels right there's no need to hold off sex. If i hadn't had sex with the girl by the 4th date I'd move on. I do agree you should wait to move in with a girl tho, at least a year.

 

[rast4man]

Thank you everyone. It will.be a mission of restraint, but I need to do this. Hands down, great advice.

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

I also agree that you don't necessarily NEED to hold off on sex if you both feel the time is right. Just don't base your romantic compatibility strictly on your sexual compatibility. They are definite a separate thing.
What I think you need to do is put yourself in a position where you are financially secure living on your own and refrain from moving in together until after you've both decided that you're compatible. Living with someone makes things way harder to call off because you'll feel an extra sense of obligation or commitment that is more suited for couples who have been together for years already, not mere months.

 

[Erikmen]

Holding off sex can be a great way to take things slow. I can't imagine moving in with someone after less than a year. It's hard to say exactly how to. Don't spend every second with that person. Keep your own hobbies.

Indeed. There is an old saying that goes like this 'Finishing a bag of salt makes good and long lasting relationships'.
It should mean something about waiting until you get to know someone, and during this time you have can experience life with this person so you know what you are going for next time.

 

[deano88]

I've made the mistake of moving in with a woman too quickly and it killed the relationship. We had great chemistry sexually but we were too different in other ways and we clashed. The longest relationship i had was a long distance one, i only ever saw her on weekends but at least it kept things fresh. You NEED time apart from each other its healthy no matter what stage of the relationship your in.

 

[pofacedhoe]

I've made the mistake of moving in with a woman too quickly and it killed the relationship. We had great chemistry sexually but we were too different in other ways and we clashed. The longest relationship i had was a long distance one, i only ever saw her on weekends but at least it kept things fresh. You NEED time apart from each other its healthy no matter what stage of the relationship your in.

woman at work who has been with her husband years said it worked better when they talked daily but he was in another country. apparently he gets on her nerves now.

its like this- i have lots of friends i love but would they all be great to live with just me and them? no .

some people clash with you more and some are smooth as .

know yourself and pick compatibility based upon personality traits you find soothing

 

[rast4man]

The other mistake I made, at least in this relationship, was because we were so infatuated with each other, I lost myself in her. My identity became the relationship and that will NEVER happen again. I refuse to ever make my happiness contingent on the other person. This has opened my eyes and I know I need to learn how to live alone, be happy with myself and find a relationship the proper way, when I am right.

 

[curious1967]

This topic intrigued me because I feel I am in a very similar situation. I am 48 and have had a woman in my life from 1993 - 2012 non stop. There had been only 1 to 2 months gaps in between and I have been with 3 women in long term relationships. In 2012, it ws the first time I was ever alone and I hated it. Looking back, I find that I fell so quickly and things got physical very quickly. It was very mutual. The last at 2012, though the shortest at 4 years I believe was my soul mate even til now. I can't seem to let her go. I don't communicate but I cant get her out of my mind. It seems that I compare everyone after her to her. I've been with other women in the past 3 years, but 1 night stands. I became that guys who doesn't call back, which I know is crappy but the feelings go away because my head is still with the 4 year girl. I still feel I fall to fast because all the other women in the past 3 years were ones I knew I was not interested in and just pursued for the physical part. I feel I can't seem to articulate what I want to say in this post though, because I so badly want to meet the love of my life (or be back with who I thought was my soul mate, the last one), but yet I keep getting with these ones that I know I have no interest in. Don't get me wrong, I am no Don Juan. It is difficult for me to find and meet people or to get a date. The posts above seem to be people that have no trouble. I think that is partially why I fall for the ones I like so quickly. I think I will never get another chance. It's easy to be with ones you don't desire as much but the ones you like, I fall hard. Not really sure if I have a question but just don't understand why I cant find anyone. I am not trying to be shallow but physical appearance is still big for me. I can know a lot of great women but if I am not physically attracted, I know I wont be able to perform physically. Does that make any sense. Am I really shallow? I dont think I'm a bad looking guy but I'm no model material either. The only think I have going for me is that I do look like I'm in my early thirties. It's a bit of a curse in that when women in their 30s hear my age, they run. Women my age unfortunately are not as physically attractive to me. I'm not looking for hard bodies, but I keep myself in pretty good shape so I tend to be attracted to bbw. At my age this is very limiting. Again, it's just a preference... a physiological thing I think. Opinions are appreciated.

 

[rast4man]

@curious

I've had similar experiences with holding on but those feelings went away. With this relationship, it still hurts but we both know it is done. I still love and care for her but I have shut myself off emotionally. We act like strangers in the house. I honestly can't wait to move out so that I can start my life over. Life is waiting for me to participate and I don't want to date for a while. It's me time.

From your post, you don't sound shallow but you know what you want. Perhaps, you are co-dependant as I have been and letting go is that much harder. Truth is, my now ex is making it easy for me at this point. I don't have any advice as I am still searching for answers but I will say this: every bit of advice I've received, is generally the same, which is; I can't have a successful relationship or attract someone I'm meant for until I clear out all of the junk inside me. It's going to be a process, but I am willing because I know I can be happy. We all want to be happy. I feel I have to change/break the pattern so that the results change.

Best of luck on your journey.

 

[curious1967]

Sound words and yes I do believe I have co dependence issues. Of all, this last one that I cant let go of seem to have the most "issues". I can't help but thinking I would have been her "hero". I know not healthy. You're right. time eventually fades the emotions. I can't help but get this sinking feeling I may end up alone given I still have not settled down. I really do want to but harder and harder to find someone this late in years. Thanks for the thoughts and opinion. I'm never happy to see anyone else in a similar situation but there is some sense of peace knowing I am not alone.