extremely unhappy

[anonymousx]

I have been using since I was 14, I'm 27 now. Drugs have completely fucked my life in the ass. Main issues I have is PTSD, which sucks. Opiates are my thing. Anyway, I've been relatively sober for the last 3 years and just recently I started smoking again, after I quit taking suboxone, and ended up in the hospital due to surgery for gallbladder. I got so much pain medication, it's set my addiction back into full swing. I just don't know what to do anymore! I am so fucking upset that I can't STOP being a drug addict. I know, it never goes away - I just want to actually want to stop wanting to be high. I can't say no! I lie all the time and manipulate the people I care about. I spend all my fucking money. I promised my boyfriend I would quit smoking (weed) and I've done it again. I also got asked if I wanted to do dope and the problem is I'm seriously considering it because I want to be high that bad!!! It makes me fucking sick to my stomach because I know the consequences of making a substance my priority in life and I just don't give a fuck when I want to get high. I WANT TO RIGHT NOW!! It's driving me crazy, the cravings and everything. Nothing I do is enjoyable because everything I love doing, I do when I'm high. So, now nothing is fun anymore. It was barely fun when I was off/on again sober for 3 years. I don't even want to interact with anyone, if I'm not high. How the fuck do I make it through this? I've relapsed and relapsed. I don't want to go back to rehab. It doesn't help me and I can't seem to make a decision on what I truly want. I thought I was sure I was completely DONE with drugs. I was. After I tried Meth and realized I didn't want to go down that path. It takes me hitting rockbottom over and over again to want to stop. But once the emotional pain subsides, here I am again - wanting to get fucked up. I'm so damn miserable with myself. I seriously don't think I have a soul anymore. I FEEL NOTHING, except for when I'm fucked up. I can't be completely honest with my family or boyfriend either. No one knows how I really feel except for this post. It's killing me on the inside cause I just want to be high.

 

[deadendgame]

You have to get a job or go back to school. But if you have a criminal record, that is something else and will be a red flag for every position you apply for. If you have no skills or certifications, you may need to work a minimal wage job for a while. No, it does not pay any bills. You can't make rent. But you'll have more than you have now. I'm almost the same age as you. You gotta fix this before your life gets any more shitty. You have to get some kind of skill or certification preferably in your 30's. Otherwise you'll be working at Walmart or McDonalds and you cannot make a living off of that. But if you have a criminal record, then you can only work at McDonalds. I understand what you are going through. I been through a similar thing. But when you get to the point to where you are now, you will have no money to buy drugs to get high. Your problem is you want to get high everyday. It shouldn't be like that. It should only be a once in a while treat. As you can see, I'm been complaining about a similar problem. The problem is that in America or any country, it costs some money just to rent space. Yes, just for the privilege of living in a confined space, it costs you money. Assuming that your life expectancy is 50 years, it will cost you $360,000 just to be in your safe space. Yes, you see the problem right? Cavemen had it easier because they had more than enough space to live and food to eat because there was more natural resources back then. Now, it is much harder to survive because there is only so much space on this earth and only so much natural resources. You have to have some kind of skill to be able to get other people's money to buy these resources just to survive. In a few extra years it's going to be even worse because for example, cars will be able to drive themselves so there will be no need for cab drivers hence people will have to learn something else. If you believe in God, you will realize how truly cruel he really is and Christians say that in spite of that, God will still send you to hell if you aren't genuinely sorry for your situation. Sorry for my ranting, but I believe this is how the world works. I know it's unfair, but you have to wake up and quit the drugs or you might not make it! I wish the best for you, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee!

 

[anonymousx]

Thank you for replying. I completely agree with you. I do have a certification in dog grooming and I've been working for a year, but I make horrible wages. 1000$ a month. I still live at home because I can't afford to do anything else. I just feel so ashamed, spending my money on drugs. I feel better today because I had a long talk with my mom last night. I also got a job offer to make more money than I do now. So, at least that's a positive thing. I try to stay optimistic. I view the world kinda like you do. It's a fucking bitch and when you have an addiction problem, it's even more of a bitch. I decided; trying anything new just because I want to be high for a couple hours, isn't worth my life. But, I hope I continue to feel this way. When the cravings hit, it's hard, and I'm sure you know that. I've just had so much trauma in my life that I try to escape by getting fucked up. Going to try and do whatever I can now to hold on to my soberity. I can't even do the "once in a while thing" either. I don't even know why I thought I'd be able to handle that. Once I do anything, I don't stop. I just really dislike how I feel emotionally and I'm on antidepressants too. Anyway, thanks for listening to my ranting too. Sometimes it helps just to put it out there. I feel better and I'll be okay. I've gone through worse and survived. I can do this.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Not a heavy opiate user, but benzos. I totally relate when you say you don't want to do anything without being high. I feel like the drug is my personality and without the drug, I'm not myself. In reality, I'm not myself on the drug, but it has become who I am. Without it, I am lifeless and bedridden for however long it takes me to get more.

 

[herbavore]

OP, if you read over what you wrote in your first post you can read the pain seeping through the words--it goes far deeper than the drug use. If you have PTSD you have unresolved trauma and you are not a bad person for wanting relief from it. I'm not trying to minimize the problems that drug abuse is causing in your life but just wanting to point out that is a symptom of a greater problem and not the problem itself. Yes, you can heal better off drugs but sometimes everything gets focused (understandably) on the drug use and the problem just gets buried deeper. Do you know what is fueling your depression? Are you just taking the antidepressants or do you have therapy as well?

 

[anonymousx]

Not a heavy opiate user, but benzos. I totally relate when you say you don't want to do anything without being high. I feel like the drug is my personality and without the drug, I'm not myself. In reality, I'm not myself on the drug, but it has become who I am. Without it, I am lifeless and bedridden for however long it takes me to get more.

You are not alone. I feel like the drugs are my personality too. It's what I've been use to for the last 13 years. It's how I've coped and escaped from how horrible I feel on the inside. But, we both have to try and stay positive. We both have to try and find a way to be strong and not let addiction control our lives anymore. Are you trying to get sober too? If so, you can do this. You can make it through. If I can, I know you can too. Like I try to say to everyone in my situation, your life matters. You are not a bad person. You CAN find yourself without using. Addiction is the monster, not you. Please, message me if you ever need to talk or just get something off your mind. I'll be here for you.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Thank you. I looked up hypnosis in my state and found a place near me with 5 star reviews. People are raving about hynotherapy helped them with all kinds of problems. I'm going to give that a try instead of wasting money where I'm going now. There is something deep inside that is wrong and that's why we keep masking it with drugs.

I already know a couple of the answers myself such as an inferiority complex and I think some bullying from junior high still haunts me. Also I think something else happened when I was little that I don't remember that has ruined my relationships with guys. I would certainly like to find out so hypnotherapy is my next direction.

 

[anonymousx]

OP, if you read over what you wrote in your first post you can read the pain seeping through the words--it goes far deeper than the drug use. If you have PTSD you have unresolved trauma and you are not a bad person for wanting relief from it. I'm not trying to minimize the problems that drug abuse is causing in your life but just wanting to point out that is a symptom of a greater problem and not the problem itself. Yes, you can heal better off drugs but sometimes everything gets focused (understandably) on the drug use and the problem just gets buried deeper. Do you know what is fueling your depression? Are you just taking the antidepressants or do you have therapy as well?

Thank you for replying. I have had a traumatic life, since I was 5 years old. I was sexually abused by 2 people older than me when I was 5 & 7. I was brutally bullied in middle school to the point I wanted to kill myself at 10 years old. At that point, I had already started shutting down and forming coping mechanisms just to protect myself from other people. When my grandfather passed, it broke me and that's when I started using. During this time, I ended up in jail. I was raped multiple times. I had a gun and knife pulled on me. I wanted friends so badly that I would just go and hang out with anyone, even though I knew they were just taking advantage of my kindness because I was the one with a car and money. I went to rehab a few times and just ended up using again afterwards. Things progressively got worse for me. I hated myself and I still do at times because of how much pain I've caused my family. My daddy suddenly died at home with me there and I was using at the time. I was the one who found him and I still hate myself for not going downstairs and checking on him. He ended up going into a coma and I had to watch him go brain dead. I fucking hated myself and my life. I got worse and worse and ended up hanging out with a bunch of meth heads a couple months after my dad passed. During the 3 days I was with them, I used meth and was terrified because I thought they were going to kill me because I thought they thought I was a snitch. I was stuck there for 3 days because they wouldn't let me leave and one of the guys made me have sex with him. I ended up finally getting out of there and I was so scared that, still to this day, I constantly check the doors and windows to see if they are locked. I've always been a paranoid person because of all the shitty things that have happened to me; but after that incident it got worse. I think someone is trying to kill me or kidnap me. I also always have to make sure my mama is okay because I think someone is trying to hurt her. The list goes on. I'm scared a lot. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. This is the first time I've actually stuck with it, though. I've been diagnosed with everything - from borderline personality disorder to bi-polar to having psychosis. Eventually, the doctors narrowed it down to PTSD, which I agree with.

Anyway, today has not been a good day for me like I thought it would. I had to go do a drug test for the new job I'm getting and I had my dog in the car with the windows down and he still ended up over heating and now the vet doesn't know if he will live. I am SO devastated. It was my fault and I hate myself so fucking much right now! It's just like how my dad died. I found my dog in the floor and the doctors say he will have brain damage. I don't know if this is some twisted joke from God or what but it has broken me. I love my dog so much and to know I caused this, kills me. I hope he survives because I can't handle anymore pain.

 

[anonymousx]

Thank you. I looked up hypnosis in my state and found a place near me with 5 star reviews. People are raving about hynotherapy helped them with all kinds of problems. I'm going to give that a try instead of wasting money where I'm going now. There is something deep inside that is wrong and that's why we keep masking it with drugs.

I already know a couple of the answers myself such as an inferiority complex and I think some bullying from junior high still haunts me. Also I think something else happened when I was little that I don't remember that has ruined my relationships with guys. I would certainly like to find out so hypnotherapy is my next direction.

I am glad that you are trying to find help. I strongly believe we can reconfigure our brains and if we just think more positive, that our life will bring more positive people and situations into our lives. I know what kind of affect that bullying can have on a person. I was bullied very badly when I was younger and it has left very deep scars. I hope that you know that you aren't inferior or worthless. We all deserve so much more than what life has handed to us. It will get better, though. You are heading down the right path and I am happy for you! I've been having a tough day myself. My dog over heated when I left him in the car with the windows down and now the vet doesn't know if he will make it. I hate myself right now because I know I should of been more responsible and I wasn't. I can't believe this is happening. I so hope he makes it through.

 

[herbavore]

I am so sorry and I hope that your dog is going to be OK.

You have so much to heal from and I don't see how you can do it alone; I hope that you can get into therapy with someone that you really can trust and then stick with it. Childhood abuse sets people up for so much pain.

 

[anonymousx]

I am so sorry and I hope that your dog is going to be OK.

You have so much to heal from and I don't see how you can do it alone; I hope that you can get into therapy with someone that you really can trust and then stick with it. Childhood abuse sets people up for so much pain.

Well, today has been a miracle! Pugsly made it through it! The vet said that God had to be watching over him because normally dogs in his situation don't survive! I am so very happy right now. Thank you for replying and taking the time out of your day to listen to me and my problems and actually caring about it. You don't realize how much that means to me. I will continue to stick with the therapy and continue to stay strong. The cravings have subsided quite a bit and I've been able to get some better sleep. So, today is a very good day. I hope this is the beginning of something great for me.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Oh thank God! My heart was breaking when I read about your dog. I'm happy you have great news!

 

[Ziiirp]

There must have been something else than substances, that catched your interest, before you were introduced to drugs at the age of 14. Which feeling or circumstance lead you to the decision, that chemically induced alteration is the way for you to recreate instead of a more sustainable hobby ? Unless you analyze that feeling/source, you won't understand, why you chose hard drugs over other options.

People think, that once you pulled the switch "of taking drugs", there is no chance of resurrecting the old self, but that is not true IMHO. Of course absolute abstinence will be highly unlikely (but is not always constructive), but an adjustment towards a more healthy approach to drug usage is always possible if one tries to remember, what made them happy before letting their consumption patterns escalate.