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Extreme nostalgia/nostalgic depression

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Neuroprotection

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 18, 2015
Messages
1,083
i’ve always been a very anxious person since childhood and much of it is probably related to me being a blind introvert living in a large family with a brother who has some type of undiagnosed autism and severe anger issues. most of my anxiety stems from the possibility of a serious fight/argument breaking out at any moment, whilst the rest is in regard to my work et cetera. interestingly, a few years ago I realised I had a very strong tendency to look back on past neutral or positive events with extreme longing and desire to return to them. I often find myself imagining I am back in those times and imagine ridiculously unrealistic scenarios. for example, I tell myself that if I had a time machine, I would go back to A specific time period E.g. the summer of 2019 or The summer of the 2020 Covid lockdown and then smash that Time Machine to prevent me from ever getting out of that time period. I believe much of my nostalgia for these past events, amongst many others was the fact that my argumentative brother was extremely busy, working six days a week nightshift at a warehouse thus being too tired to cause any arguments in the day along with the fact he slept most of the day as well.
I’ve read a lot about nostalgia and in most cases, it’s a positive thing. for example, nostalgia about a certain holiday destination can drive people to work harder, make more money and have another wonderful holiday like it, all the while succeeding in their career on the way. however, psychologists worn that nostalgia often involves distorted and filtered memories which create a deceptively positive picture of that time. this is definitely true to a large extent, however, I feel that my own nostalgia is much more rational, that is, I’ve actually told other people that I enjoyed those time periods whilst I was in them. despite being quite rational, I can’t deny my nostalgia is extreme and persistent. recently, I came across articles on nostalgic depression and the description of the disorder largely match my own symptoms.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to me?
Also, I wonder if nostalgia is a powerful trigger for relapse to drug addictions?
 
Neuroprotection said:
i’ve always been a very anxious person since childhood and much of it is probably related to me being a blind introvert living in a large family with a brother who has some type of undiagnosed autism and severe anger issues. most of my anxiety stems from the possibility of a serious fight/argument breaking out at any moment, whilst the rest is in regard to my work et cetera. interestingly, a few years ago I realised I had a very strong tendency to look back on past neutral or positive events with extreme longing and desire to return to them. I often find myself imagining I am back in those times and imagine ridiculously unrealistic scenarios. for example, I tell myself that if I had a time machine, I would go back to A specific time period E.g. the summer of 2019 or The summer of the 2020 Covid lockdown and then smash that Time Machine to prevent me from ever getting out of that time period. I believe much of my nostalgia for these past events, amongst many others was the fact that my argumentative brother was extremely busy, working six days a week nightshift at a warehouse thus being too tired to cause any arguments in the day along with the fact he slept most of the day as well.
I’ve read a lot about nostalgia and in most cases, it’s a positive thing. for example, nostalgia about a certain holiday destination can drive people to work harder, make more money and have another wonderful holiday like it, all the while succeeding in their career on the way. however, psychologists worn that nostalgia often involves distorted and filtered memories which create a deceptively positive picture of that time. this is definitely true to a large extent, however, I feel that my own nostalgia is much more rational, that is, I’ve actually told other people that I enjoyed those time periods whilst I was in them. despite being quite rational, I can’t deny my nostalgia is extreme and persistent. recently, I came across articles on nostalgic depression and the description of the disorder largely match my own symptoms.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to me?
Also, I wonder if nostalgia is a powerful trigger for relapse to drug addictions?
Click to expand...
I understand this feeling. I had a lot of awesome experiences 20 years ago when I was in college. Made lifelong friends, had too much fun, traveled outside the country, met a girl who became my fiancee. My life also started spiraling downhill after my fiancee passed in a car crash a couple years later. Even today I still sometimes have dreams of how happy I was back then. I will wake up and feel depressed that it was all indeed a dream.

Honestly I don't have much advice especially considering the seemingly contradictory schools of thought on nostalgia for the past. Some people will say yes, it is good to reflect back on your own history and use it as a measuring stick to work toward a better tomorrow. Others will say the opposite. A little quote I heard a few years ago about being grounded was that you can't change the past, the future hasn't happened yet, so you must live in the now. Of course living only in the now and not planning for the future can also be a recipe for disappointment since, as they say, if you fail to plan then you plan to fail.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this other than to say maybe we should take a little from each perspective and apply it whenever it feels right at that moment in time. Sometimes I think it is good to think on the past but I also feel we shouldn't dwell or obsess on it too much because it can also be counterproductive and inhibit one from moving forward. I can also see how nostalgia can possibly trigger relapse especially if someone wants to resume chasing the dragon of a feeling they had before.
 
im the same way. my year is 2007 though..if the thoughts get too powerful i def will use just because of how much i miss it and the sick feeling i get in my stomach knowing how everyone and everything has moved on but me..
 
Sometimes I really miss my past because I know that I can never repeat it. 17 was probably the best year of my life. I had my first car, first job, first serious girlfriend, played in my first band and had a ton of friends. It was a magical time.

Now that I'm in my 50's though, I look back on those times with fondness and feel very grateful that I had those great experiences. I also have good things in my life now that I didn't back then, like not having to deal with peer pressure. Plus, adults treat me like an grownup and don't look down on me as a dumb kid like they did back then.
 
When life’s been rough to you from Day 1, you look forwards not back. Silver lining?

I do get nostalgic and if I could repeat some periods in my life I would but I’m under no illusions how things really were back then. Like my life was one big party at 16, shit that you see in the movies. While it was tons of fun, I was constantly harassed and worried of the police. My relationship with my ex had moments of pure ecstasy but also moments that drove me absolutely crazy. The ying and yang always present.

-GC
 
i understand ya OP
i get a feeling of melancholy when I think about the past(the good times at least)
,: i think out of a fear that no good times lie ahead, they have passed,and that makes me sad.
 
Neuroprotection said:
i’ve always been a very anxious person since childhood and much of it is probably related to me being a blind introvert living in a large family with a brother who has some type of undiagnosed autism and severe anger issues. most of my anxiety stems from the possibility of a serious fight/argument breaking out at any moment, whilst the rest is in regard to my work et cetera. interestingly, a few years ago I realised I had a very strong tendency to look back on past neutral or positive events with extreme longing and desire to return to them. I often find myself imagining I am back in those times and imagine ridiculously unrealistic scenarios. for example, I tell myself that if I had a time machine, I would go back to A specific time period E.g. the summer of 2019 or The summer of the 2020 Covid lockdown and then smash that Time Machine to prevent me from ever getting out of that time period. I believe much of my nostalgia for these past events, amongst many others was the fact that my argumentative brother was extremely busy, working six days a week nightshift at a warehouse thus being too tired to cause any arguments in the day along with the fact he slept most of the day as well.
I’ve read a lot about nostalgia and in most cases, it’s a positive thing. for example, nostalgia about a certain holiday destination can drive people to work harder, make more money and have another wonderful holiday like it, all the while succeeding in their career on the way. however, psychologists worn that nostalgia often involves distorted and filtered memories which create a deceptively positive picture of that time. this is definitely true to a large extent, however, I feel that my own nostalgia is much more rational, that is, I’ve actually told other people that I enjoyed those time periods whilst I was in them. despite being quite rational, I can’t deny my nostalgia is extreme and persistent. recently, I came across articles on nostalgic depression and the description of the disorder largely match my own symptoms.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to me?
Also, I wonder if nostalgia is a powerful trigger for relapse to drug addictions?
Click to expand...
I experience a very similar thing to you—terrible, debilitating nostalgia—although I'm not sure mine is as rational. Also, I am realising recently that I seem to have some mild or intermittent depression symptoms, which are intertwined with this nostalgic depression. Unfortunately, for me it seems the only answer was to just "do better" in general, which is terrible advice, but I will go into more depth.

It is kind of based on Jung's concept of individuation. As a child you are "primordially one," so in a way, you can only act upon your impulses, which also happen to be your true desires (I also experience nostalgia for recent times, even, absurdly, a few months ago, but the principle seems to still work). But as you grow older, your desires, impulses and actions become seperate. You develop a "primal wound," a longing for the time when you were a complete whole. So, the only solution is a process called "individuation," becoming who you really are, consolidating the Self and the Other. I have explained this stupidly and simply, so you ought to read Jung to understand. I also find Dabrowski's theory of positive disintegration to relate to this.

Of course this is extraordinarily difficult. I am lucky, as I have a developed an intense realtionship with art, to the point where I feel that I live through art in an almost religious sense. So, every action I take is indirectly motivated by a "higher purpose," which is in fact internal. When this works, it is an incredible feeling, like everything I do is easy and natural.

If you don't react to art, I think it could either be a religious devotion, or a devotion to your career with a feeling that your work is good and important. I wonder, have you seen Tarkovsky's Nostalgia? His films are beautifully incisive on the subject.

I am glad that you mention drug addiction, because it has been a topic of consideration for me. In periods of "oneness," I continue taking drugs, but it becomes easy to limit them to the amount and frequency that I "truly desire." This even extends to hard opiates, so, for example, I can use oxycodone once a week and no more, because I know that any more frequent use is unsustainable. But in periods of disnitegration and depression, I crave more and make up justifications more frequently.

Also, I have noticed that after an amphetamine binge, the depression usually comes with the debilitating nostalgia. So for me, I suspect it relates to dopamine. Perhaps the sensation of oneness is also one of effective dopamine function. By the way, I believe I have ADHD, or more specifically a dopamine system similar to that which occurs with ADHD. So during the binge, it's not like a true "euphoria," but more like an elevated version of the sense of wellbeing that I feel with oneness.

You talk about having anxiety problems. I am unsure about my thoughts on this—perhaps resolving this issue would also alleviate your nostalgia issue. But on the other hand, perhaps the only way to solve your anxiety problems is individuation in general. I cannot say, as I don't know your character, or how many therapies you have already tried.

Sorry for such a scattered post, it's just my incomplete thoughts on my experiences for the past few years. But I hope someone can find it useful.
 
I really struggle with this myself. A lot. In fact I got myself really fucked up this morning looking through old emails. Thinking about if I could go back I'd appreciate it more. Wouldn't fuck everything up. How much different shit would be now. I wish I knew a way of making it better but I don't.
 
I hear you OP.
I spent all of my 20's living at home with my mom, doing pain pills & heroin (I was a loser, I know).

The last 5 or 7 years of my 20's & early 30's were incredible. I did so many drugs, especially opioids & I had an abundance of friends. My mom always slept out in the living room with her dog. Many nights I fell asleep feeling so wonderful & knew that my mom was alive & well & asleep out front in the living room. It was a very secure, content feeling. Knowing I had pain pills & that my mom was still here. Losing my mom was something I always feared & was able to put in the back of my head for the longest time.

Then in 2019, it was like everything fell apart. And I mean everything. My mom got diagnosed with cancer, my heroin dealer shot & killed some one & went to prison for it. Then me & my mom got kicked out of our apartment thanks to our asshole neighbors & landlord. So then I had to move & leave behind all my friends & my mom (she went to go live with a sister). And then about 6 months after that my mom passed away on Mother's Day of 2021. From something completely unrelated to her cancer. I honestly didn't expect her to go so soon. She was only 71 at the time. I thought my mom would at least make it to 80-85, if not longer.
I've been devastated ever since. I lost my home, my mom, my drug connections, my fun life that I had. All of it gone very quickly.

I'm still not over it. I don't have any access to opioids now & I'm 2.5hrs away from my closest friends. My family is even further away then that.
My life's become the exact opposite of what it use to be. Sure I struggled & had hard times back then too but I always had my mom, my friends & my opioids around to get me through it. Now I have nothing.
From 2016-2019, it was just a constant party at my apartment. I had so much fun that I'd have to say it was my favorite era of my life so far. I wish it would have never changed. I had really difficult times back then too (like digging through public ash trays for cigarettes, prostituting myself for vodka & cigarette money, etc..) But no matter how dark it got, my friends & my mom were usually there to try & pull me out of it.

Now I find myself getting nostalgic at smells, sounds, sights, everything. Wishing I could go back in time about 7 years ago.
And while I like the dreamy quality of nostalgia & all the memories I have made, it's still depressing to be reminded all the time how good I had it & how all of that is gone now.

We use to burn wax & oils at our apt & old house back in the day. And now I find myself obsessively doing this because the smells will trigger memories in me or make me feel slight tingles of that "secure" and "comfortable" feeling I use to get when living at home & having so many things around me to enjoy, I smell a lilac wax cube & my brain instantly remembers my mom, great times we had & the life I use to have.

I often wonder now if living another 35 years is even gonna be worth it, if I can't enjoy my life & have all the things I once had.
I miss my mom dearly & I don't really regret living with her all those years because at least it meant she wasn't alone. But now I am.
Shit I'm nostalgic today & down about it already.
 
mal3volent said:
I really struggle with this myself. A lot. In fact I got myself really fucked up this morning looking through old emails. Thinking about if I could go back I'd appreciate it more. Wouldn't fuck everything up. How much different shit would be now. I wish I knew a way of making it better but I don't.
Click to expand...
all those xyz evil things you did, you should be ashamed
 
It sounds like Atypical Depression to me? (despite the name it's actually one of the most common forms of depression) also known as Melancholic Depression ("Melancholia" in the olden days).
It's a form of depression that has a strong aspect of loneliness/longing/"Nostalgia" and tends to involve overeating and oversleeping
IDK maybe I'm way off

All nostalgia is false nostalgia, really, as it's literally your brain falsely remembering times in the past as way way better than they actually were. Like old people always think "The old days" were much better when they were actually worse in pretty much every way.
 
I wouldn't say all nostalgia is "false". lol

People can & do long for times that were better than the time they're living in currently. Otherwise why would they care to long for it in the first place? lol
Plus life is too complex either way. I might have been worse off financially years & years ago, but I'm worse off now in a thousand other ways today.

In sum, I'd relive all of the issues I had back in those days just to have all the things I lack now, back.
 
Whenever I miss the "good old days", it's usually because I've messed up my life in a number of ways (usually drug and alcohol-related.) I try not to think about how successful I could've been, because I can't go back in time. I can only try to make the future better.

- I dropped out of high school with high honors (straight A+ average) because I couldn't take the bullying., and chose to enter the wonderful world of fast food instead.

- I started drinking & drugging to the point where I literally became addicted almost overnight.

- I didn't get into therapy and on proper medication until I was 30, even though I was an emotional wreck my entire life.

- After working my way through the ranks of retail management and small office jobs, I landed myself a good corporate job that I stayed at for almost ten years and got 3 promotions. Unfortunately, I had an alcohol-induced meltdown one day at work that ended my career.

- For the past 18 years, I've felt pretty much useless. Taking drugs, crashing cars, not being able to hold down a job, making a fool of myself, putting my loved ones through hell, etc.

I'm trying very hard to turn my life around, and that's probably my best remedy for the "nostalgia blues". Every day I try to take just one step in the right direction. Right now it's sitting here talking to my friends on Bluelight. Maybe tomorrow I'll get up and go for a morning walk instead of plopping in front of the TV with a beer. Maybe a year from now I'll land a good job and buy a nice house. My life may turn out better than it ever was before.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu
"Where there's life, there's hope." - John Lennon

Peace, Love & Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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ChemicallyEnhanced said:
It sounds like Atypical Depression to me? (despite the name it's actually one of the most common forms of depression) also known as Melancholic Depression ("Melancholia" in the olden days).
It's a form of depression that has a strong aspect of loneliness/longing/"Nostalgia" and tends to involve overeating and oversleeping
IDK maybe I'm way off

All nostalgia is false nostalgia, really, as it's literally your brain falsely remembering times in the past as way way better than they actually were. Like old people always think "The old days" were much better when they were actually worse in pretty much every way.
Click to expand...


Atypical depression sounds about right to me, at least I definitely have some aspects of it. Perhaps that’s why I crave stimulants like nicotine and caffeine so much, and have also had a long and deep interest in trying amphetamine like stimulants since age 12.
Personally, I respectfully disagree that nostalgia is all false memories all the time. You are right, it probably is the case 80 or even 90% of the time, and even if memories aren’t false, and the time really was better than now, the extent to which it was better has probably been massively magnified out of all proportions by the brain. however, I do want to add that in my case, as I said in my first post, there were realistic circumstantial changes, revolving around my argumentative/anger problems/Autism afflicted brother being kept too busy to argue. therefore, during those times that I miss most, my life was actually easier on all levels, my anxiety was little to non-existent and I was generally content with life. On the other hand, I have actually caught out my brain playing a subtle but powerful trick on me. Basically, after doing some self reflection, I realised that whilst my nostalgia was actually rational for the most part and my life was better, negative aspects of those times such as Long periods of time without Internet access, a completely ruined and irregular sleep pattern and social isolation, especially during the Covid lockdown had been completely filtered out by my brain. of course, I would happily face these issues again to go back to that time, but I was surprised how well my mind could almost delete them from existence or at least hide them and I had to actively remember or be reminded of them.
 
I pray that God blesses you and your mother and my heart, sympathy and love goes out to you my dear friend. so sorry to hear about what you have been through, especially the loss of your mum. despite all you’ve been through, I tell you from my heart to stay strong and carry on. consider yourself lucky in that you had a mother you actually miss. unfortunately, I’ve seen many around me including teachers, professionals and friends/Acquaintances who are distant from their parents and would honestly not bother too much after they pass away. you ask whether your life is still worth living? Believe me it is, no matter how worthless you currently feel. remember that all your mother would want is to see you succeed or at least be happy in life. I know it’s easier said than done and I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but I advise you to stay strong and take small Active steps to improve your life. when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, you just need to put the work in now. yes, it will feel like crap now, but with perseverance and patience, your hard work will certainly pay off.
I really hope you pull through this. you are a unique and valuable member of humanity whether you feel like it or not. by staying strong and improving, you’ll probably benefit many others alongside yourself. you could be an inspiration to those going through similar situations, A family member/friend may depend on you in future or any other situation may arise where you are the only one that can help.

Thanks so much for posting your experience, and I wish you all the best and a full recovery.
 
Yes..been in tears just thinking back on times goofing around with my brother and our little crew who all are dead now..brother Jeremy in a car crash..friend nick shot to death..friend Robert shot to death..friend Ryan shot to death over a woman..was her ex I think. Also few others off top of my head I can't think of but that's the main few always around. We got into muscle cars and strip clubs when 18 19 and 20..our ages and for maybe a few months as dumb teenagers basically went stupid but it was so much fun. And a purple plum crazy Daytona Charger with about 10k worth of Rockford amps in the trunk and 5 15inch speakers..ya I know we were loud and dumb and had a lotta extc and oxy at the time and everything else in reach. Also the Ctsv with the Corvette engine and supercharger was fun..quiet until you step on it then at about 168 or 178 can't remember there is a governer but it sounds like the cars coming apart at night on highway when the wind is coming the the door cracks. But..the small things the jokes and dumb shit is what I laugh about and miss the most of all.
 
MadHatterMike said:
Yes..been in tears just thinking back on times goofing around with my brother and our little crew who all are dead now..brother Jeremy in a car crash..friend nick shot to death..friend Robert shot to death..friend Ryan shot to death over a woman..was her ex I think. Also few others off top of my head I can't think of but that's the main few always around. We got into muscle cars and strip clubs when 18 19 and 20..our ages and for maybe a few months as dumb teenagers basically went stupid but it was so much fun. And a purple plum crazy Daytona Charger with about 10k worth of Rockford amps in the trunk and 5 15inch speakers..ya I know we were loud and dumb and had a lotta extc and oxy at the time and everything else in reach. Also the Ctsv with the Corvette engine and supercharger was fun..quiet until you step on it then at about 168 or 178 can't remember there is a governer but it sounds like the cars coming apart at night on highway when the wind is coming the the door cracks. But..the small things the jokes and dumb shit is what I laugh about and miss the most of all.
Click to expand...


Thanks for sharing that, really sorry to hear about your situation, I pray that God blesses you as well as all those you love and care about, those of them that are alive and those of them that are dead.

Stay strong Brother.
Nostalgia is so dangerous, at least in my experience, it gives me so much hope for the future, but at the same time eats me alive.
 
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