You take crack and Dilaudid and can't get anything done?
May I ask what activities you do on the crack? And what activities you do on the Dilaudid?
If you aren't getting anything accomplished on these 2 drugs then you are right........when and if you detox you won't be doing it then either.
Is the anxiety and depression coming from the drugs or are you trying to self medicate and it isn't working? Crack should give you some energy to do your dishes and wash your clothes and stuff. What exactly are you neglecting doing?
And the Dilaudid should make you all chill ( no anxiety ) and at least allow you to to a few simple tasks I would think.
How high are you getting every day?
So I basically don't do anything when using the crack and Dilaudid (now using Dilaudid at a low amount around 3-8 per day) I just sit around and prepare the drugs to be slammed or smoked. I hate to admit this, it makes me sick, but I have used needles way too much for the crack simply because I find smoking it doesn't get me anywhere close like IV does. It's pretty funny though in a twisted way.. the 'high' from the crack when done IV only lasts 5-15 minutes yet it is the most addicting drug I have ever taken (MDMA, meth and other amps, weed,mushrooms, acid.. I have never had any addiction to)
Always have had a bit of anxiety and depression usually caused from external factors happening in my life. Started the crack and everything was lovely had very little anxiety and depression was normal, I also noticed it gave me energy and sometimes a slight increased motivation. Fast forward about 3 weeks later with very little sleep and I have slowly been losing my mind more each day. became incredibly stressed and anxious to the point where I couldn't work anymore, couldn't make phone calls, couldn't leave the house during the day. So I have been putting off important tasks I've had to do for a long time now, for example I need to return some shoes and the receipt becomes passed it's return date tomorrow..
Told my employer I need 4 weeks off work due to health issues and I'm almost positive they are going to fire me because of this and I will not have any source of income and my bank is nearly depleted. I'm very angry at myself because this is a good job with good pay and I need it until I can fully pay off my debt.. Nowadays I'm barely getting high unless I use a shitload of each which I'm trying to avoid doing because I want to detox relatively soon.
I haven't done crack or hydro, but I've done amphetamine and various opiates - they always gave me enough energy to do my daily chores and then some. Until the amphetamine started inducing anxiety and the opiates spun me into depression and procrastination was all of a sudden the name of the game.
So in my experience, anxiety and depression can definitely cause a type of fatigue that no stimulant or other type of drug can offer relief from.
I would start by setting a goal that is low. Instead of thinking, "I'll smoke some crack and then I'll do my laundry, the dishes, mopp the floors, vacuum and clean my windows" - break that rigid pattern and settle for "I'll smoke some crack and finish the dishes today".
If you then manage to finish that single task, you will get a boost of confidence and feel good.
Should you then decide to do a bonus task that day, fantastic. If not, still fantastic.
Rinse, repeat and do another task the next day. A sense of accomplishment can come from the most menial tasks - on odd days I pat myself on the shoulder for getting out of bed and taking a shit. It's a watered down cliché, but the small victories really do matter.
Good luck Duke.
PS. Great username. "Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project" was an awesome game (and I usually hate games).
Appreciate the comment you absolutely nailed it. nice to know someone else can relate to what I'm experiencing. Procrastination is the issue now and it's seriously fucking my life over which was already in a deep hole to begin with. I cannot even believe how bad this year has been and it's now just halfway finished. I tell myself if things get any worse, like seriously bad, all I need to do is load my .45 and put one through my head which would be so quick and tada no more problems. But as I entertain that thought instantly I think of how much it will upset my family and girlfriend so that always stops me from going through, then I'm back to thinking oh my fucking lord how much worse are things going to get? I just shake my head and I truly can't grasp the truth that this is where I'm at when only 2 years ago I was happy stress free, looked good, was in the best shape ever because I ate healthy and worked out everyday I would get compliments almost daily heh.. now I'm a empty shell of that person and I refuse to even look in the mirror because im so awfully disgusting. Hell my girlfriend said we can't even have sex until I look better which honestly makes me laugh because I don't even want to I'm only doing it for her at this point and she knows that.. the difference in how people treat me now vs back when I was hot shit is quite staggering.
Eek yup rambling again.. won't get any sleep tonight.. anyways I do like the idea of getting a chore/some task done first and then using after as a 'reward' , I know that will make me feel better but it's difficult when I'm this low. I will hopefully be able to get my shit together enough to at least try that for a while.. something needs to change and soon because with this amount of stress and anxiety if I go start my detox like that I'm guaranteed to fail I know it will happen.
Thank you. Yea good times. Those games were a bit different and I wish developers still made games like that these days. Not a fan of modern gaming at all really, probably a good thing.
Small victories are the objective now.. I'll take anything that's a win, no matter how important or not as long as it's a step forward.
Classic severe depression.
As to what's causing it, that can be as complex or simple as the universe or an atom.
The crack is making it worse, but probably not the cause.
and yeah, friend, stress is often a major contributor to mental breaks, psychosis, all sorts of things. It was for me. Drugs + stress + sleep deprivation usually, sooner or later, result in a catastrophic mental or physical event.
Have you considered getting help? Can you?
Yea I figured this was the case. Im certainly no stranger to depression, mine are almost always caused by external factors happening in my life as I'm easily effected by them and I don't have healthy coping skills. For example, I total my '78 Porsche 911 -> depression and zero motivation are the result. Only time can heal these completely, I can try to numb it with drugs but that eventually leads to more pain.
The crack is definitely making it worse no doubt, but the hardcore fiend that lacks any self control inside me is unable to stop it, at least for the moment, due to all the endless negativity and stress. This depression feels a bit different though for some reason.. probably to do with the drugs and as mentioned previously I'm on low Dilaudid which is allowing me to feel more.
I'm a little surprised after all the crack, no sleep, little food, daily bad news, and the realization that the end (whatever that may be) is approaching that I haven't completely lost my shit and ended up forced into the nut house.
I've considered getting help yes because this problem of mine is quite frightening when you are looking at it all by yourself.. now the problem is I cannot let anyone, and I stress anyone, in my family know about this as it would become infinitely worse due to the way they handle any issues, let alone hard drugs taken IV.. years ago I had a moderate codeine addiction that started off by self medicating for chronic back pain and eventually lead to abusing it for any issue I had. Long story short ended up agreeing to go to rehab, stupid decision on my part was a total waste of time and money, left after 4 weeks there. When I returned home I detoxed off by myself and that was that but they never looked at or treated me the same because of those events. Can't even imagine what crazy damaging shit theyd pull if they knew what was going on these days..
Now that takes us to my girlfriend, who by the way is more or less the reason I'm here in the first place. No I will not put the entire blame on her, as she never stuck a needle in my arm, but had I not ever met her 2 years ago I can say without a doubt I'd never have been shown these drugs. So I have some resentment towards her yes but at the same time I do love and care about her and she the same to me. For now.. said she would come stay with and help me in any way during my detox, promised to me, but as time went on she backed out of it so I'm on my own for good. I kind of understand though since she has her own demons to face yet again (fent meth) and I want her to be successful. I plan to go for some NA meetings soon and hoping I can meet someone there that has gone through crack/opiate detox and can guide me to the right direction as well as give any advice or motivation... I'll take anything at this point because as it currently stands I am not ready..
...Jesus Christ Holy fuck I just realized what a massive blogpost that was.. uh.. to wrap this up ; nobody is going to have the perfect answer and I know that, what I've done here is vented my frustrations to whoever reads this, doesn't really matter, and if I further receive any useful advice great but if not that's ok. This place is great that's all I can say, I hope I'm not shitting it up by posting so much about all my struggles and I hope one day I can provide something useful here.
