Hi all, I am back here at bluelight after a long hiatus. (I did a brief "I'm back" post in New Introductions yesterday).
I am thrilled to see this thread and I appreciate the moderator, neversickanymore, for creating it. I need to incorporate exercise into my life and I want to quit smoking cigarettes. (I successfully quit before and I will again.)
I'm sole caretaker to my beloved, terminally ill stepfather...advanced pancreatic cancer diagnosed six months ago. Tragic...and so stressful. I'm gutted and it's destabilizing my self-care and psychiatric conditions but I am sober and in treatment for my psychiatric mental illnesses and chronic pain.
I want to incorporate exercise into my life. I'm very busy as a caretaker and I suffer from severe agoraphobic tendencies. I used to have an exercise addiction in the 1990's, but it ended when I went to law school. I simply had no time to exercise several hours a day due to my studies. I'm proud to say I graduated in the top ten percent of my law school class. However, I've been disabled since 2009 due to my mental illnesses.
I want to get back into exercise and need to do it in moderation. This thread is awesome and I will explore all the links. I'm so excited it might help my bipolar disorder, anxiety and trauma. If you'll indulge me, I'd like to share things about myself below. I hope exercise can help me.
Here goes, thanks for reading:
I am a recovered alcoholic and have been accurately diagnosed (by three separate, qualified psychiatrists) with severe Bipolar Affective Disorder 1 (classified "severe," rapid cycling, mixed episode predominant with occasional psychotic features), C-PTSD, OCD, Panic disorder, GAD, and Social Anxiety disorder.
i also have daily, chronic pain in my back and neck. I had two total disc replacements in my back (L4) and neck (C5) in 2004 and 2005. The surgeries were very difficult but successful. However, I have had degenerative disc disease since my early 20s (I'm 46) and I have several bulging discs. I also have IBS since 1992, due to anxiety.
I self-manage (never sought a diagnosis) anorexic tendencies for the past 17 years, which I use as a coping mechanism. I am fairly stable and have no physical damage...I know it's unhealthy, but I can self-manage and I don't believe in true recovery. I know my limits, although I admittedly walk a thin line.
I have had a lot of trauma and loss in my life. I was severely abused by my mother as a child and was married to a diagnosed narcissist for 18 years and was severely emotionally abused (I fortunately escaped and divorced five years ago). My biological parents died early deaths (dad, 55 on Thanksgiving Day, suicide...mom at 64 due to diabetes complications).
My brother, with whom I was very close to, is a severe alcoholic and poly-drug user with untreated Bipolar Affective Disorder 1. He has had multiple OD's and lives the live of a severe heroin addict (among his other addictions, but heroin addiction has led to homelessness, jail, dealing, felonies, etc.)
I do not know if he is sober, using, homeless, in jail, or still a middle man dealer of opiates and an "enforcer."). He may be dead, I hope not. I doubt he's sober, he's struggled with addiction since he was 16 (he's 49) and I think trauma and genetic predisposition to addiction has played a huge in his life. I love him and miss him. I will emotionally support him but no longer financially enable him and he stays away from me when he isn't sober. So, I am near certain he is still using. I know I cannot save him, he has to make changes if he is ready.
I am in a healthy loving relationship and I am a good mother to my teenage daughter. I struggle with putting myself first in self-care. I'm not a martyr and I accept all the above. I'm not in denial. I'm thrilled I revcovered from alcoholism. I NEED to exercise!
Thanks again and I look forward to giving and receiving support in this thread! I like to help others, I'm nonjudgmental and have a lot of empathy.
I lost my Fitbit but my boyfriend/SO bought me a new one today, it's in the charger! =]
rainy