Desperate Everything is turning to shit

[user name1]

hello my fellow bluesists,
depression is getting worse over the years, at least for me it does.
i have always thought that I'm a nice guy and really people tend to see me as a nice, helpful guy but it's just an act. I'm a hypocrite, a con and a people pleaser fucking asshole. for some reason people feel at ease and comfortable around me and I think it's because I talk real slow and gently and I don't even understand why I do. If I'm being really honest, i mean brutally honest i am the most hateful person i know - i hate rich guys, i hate my fucking boss and most of the people i work with, hate the stupid drivers on the road and most profoundly i just hate myself to the core of my being. as for my friends - they all had fucked off years ago. I take offence real easy but rarely shows it - always internalizing those ugly feeling and lately I feel like a walking timebomb waiting to explode.

I've never been a violent person but once when I was in my 20's (i am 40 now) and a girlfriend just dumped me I went on a drinking bender
and when the bartender had cut me off I jumped on him and started choking him and shouting in his face "I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you!" all the while a security guard and another patron tried to pull me off that guy and i became really strong, a mental case strong for sure - they couldn't take me off the guy for a minute or so. i trashed the bar and ran when i heard the sirens, luckily I wasn't caught. the most scary part was my utter lack of control or any foresight, I wasn't planning on losing my shit. before that mayhem and since (at least 15 years ago) I've never laid a finger on no one but lately I can feel that same poison, that cancerous malevolent "thing" inside me, running through my bloodstream, destroying me from the inside and i am REALY scared half to death because it's a lose-lose situation - i can continue being like that and get sick or worse - lose my shit and explode. I don't have any hobbies beside doing lots of drugs and cant seem to find a positive outlet for all that rage that's building inside me for years and years. I don't trust doctors, p-docs or therapists - i wont have that as i was twice hospitalized in a mental hospital 6 months each for making a poor attempt of "crying for help kinda suicide gestures" and was released in a whole lot worse condition then when brought in..

I just don't know what the hell should I do and am a miserable fuck.

thnx for reading and apologies for the length of this stupid rant.

 

[Ds]

Hey @user name1

Drinking always seemed to get me in trouble too. I can never stop. No matter how many I might have left, I always have to get more, and the more I drink the more fucked up dumb shit I end up doing. Ruining relationships was just part of my drinking. I was really good at that.
You are not alone. There are plenty of people not just on BL but IRL that are the same type. (I am guessing you are a drinker?)

I woke up in jail in Missouri. Not having the faintest idea on how the fuck I got there. It started to come together. When I drank, bad shit happened. My brain would tell me that 'this is a social beer' and I would believe myself, but cant stop.

I'm not the type to push AA on people, but have you thought about going to a meeting? Being a 'drinker' really helped me break the ice, and was able to share about my drinking problem with other people with the same issue, and it really helps to get the shit out in the open.

 

[user name1]

What kind of drugs are you into? And are you prescribed any medications?

I'm on escitalopram 20mg, klonopin 2mg, biperiden 6mg, Subutex 24mg and crack about 5 gram weekly give or take - depends on how much money i have at any given time.. was on smack for 7 or 10 years and still dabble here and there. i was drinking heavily in my teens- 20's but now only a beer or two sometimes.

 

[user name1]

Hey @user name1

Drinking always seemed to get me in trouble too. I can never stop. No matter how many I might have left, I always have to get more, and the more I drink the more fucked up dumb shit I end up doing. Ruining relationships was just part of my drinking. I was really good at that.
You are not alone. There are plenty of people not just on BL but IRL that are the same type. (I am guessing you are a drinker?)

I woke up in jail in Missouri. Not having the faintest idea on how the fuck I got there. It started to come together. When I drank, bad shit happened. My brain would tell me that 'this is a social beer' and I would believe myself, but cant stop.

I'm not the type to push AA on people, but have you thought about going to a meeting? Being a 'drinker' really helped me break the ice, and was able to share about my drinking problem with other people with the same issue, and it really helps to get the shit out in the open.

hey mate!
i am not a drinker anymore - too much drugs in my system for that but i was a heavy drinker and a mean asshole drunk in my 20's.
the thing is that nowadays I feel so much hatred inside and self loathing, self flagellation and shit that I don't even need to drink for me to (hopefully never) explode...

oh and NA, AA everything-A is not my cup of tea and actually i think it's time for those groups\cults to disappear - the damage outnumbers the benefit by miles . (sorry for any typo's)

 

[user name1]

Well at least you got 1 monkey off your back. Just gotta get rid of the crack now. Dealers in my area are putting fentanyl in it. Killing their own clients.

I'm a raging drunk right now. Shock my friends by taking massive shots of whiskey without puking. Lots of blackouts. Wake up with fractured/cracked ribs, black eyes, blood on my clothes, etc. Crazy shit. Good luck man.

yea man.. I'm in the habit of changing from one monkey for another. I guess all it means is that I'm an animal lover

 

[n3ophy7e]

@user name1 I'm not sure how in to this idea you will be....but would you see a therapist/counsellor/psychologist? It sounds like you could benefit from just talking shit out with someone. They can also suggest to you some methods for effectively dealing with your negative thoughts, healthy coping mechanisms for anger, anxiety etc. I think one of the main things you should focus on is the self loathing. I used to absolutely hate myself with a passion. All it did was fuel my self-destruction, and in turn destroy everything that was good in my life, and thus perpetuate the self-hatred. It's a vicious cycle man, I hated myself and thought I was only worthy of self destruction, therefore every good person in my life left me (including friends, family, partners), therefore I believed I wasn't worthy of love or good things, therefore I hated myself even more and continued the cycle of self loathing and self destruction.

Once I worked on the self hatred, and eventually discovered self love, THAT'S when good things started to come back in to my life. You need the same thing to happen to you.

 

[deficiT]

Man, I felt this post, for real. I too struggle with my strong distaste for living, and anybody and everybody. But I don't come off this way, in fact I get along better than most with just about everybody. But shit just builds up inside of me, and I'm prone to explosions. It has been some time since I've taken that out on an actual person in a violent manner, but it happened alot growing up

Honestly in your case, the first step should be to put the coke down. It is surely not doing you any favors. I've found that I am a totally different person when I'm not taking meth/coke/stims every day. I just don't get as negative, it's a really relieving feeling. Try it on for size.

I won't argue the benefits of 12 steps with you, but my advice to you would be to drop the coke and talk to a therapist about your issues. If you can't do this yourself you should check into inpatient substance abuse treatment. It's only a matter of time before you land yourself in trouble if you keep going like this.

I wish you the best and I hope you find a solution and find a way to be happy, because I know that it's no way to live. If you ever need to blow off some steam I am always available.

 

[f1mula0ne]

hello my fellow bluesists,
depression is getting worse over the years, at least for me it does.
i have always thought that I'm a nice guy and really people tend to see me as a nice, helpful guy but it's just an act. I'm a hypocrite, a con and a people pleaser fucking asshole. for some reason people feel at ease and comfortable around me and I think it's because I talk real slow and gently and I don't even understand why I do. If I'm being really honest, i mean brutally honest i am the most hateful person i know - i hate rich guys, i hate my fucking boss and most of the people i work with, hate the stupid drivers on the road and most profoundly i just hate myself to the core of my being. as for my friends - they all had fucked off years ago. I take offence real easy but rarely shows it - always internalizing those ugly feeling and lately I feel like a walking timebomb waiting to explode.

I've never been a violent person but once when I was in my 20's (i am 40 now) and a girlfriend just dumped me I went on a drinking bender
and when the bartender had cut me off I jumped on him and started choking him and shouting in his face "I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you!" all the while a security guard and another patron tried to pull me off that guy and i became really strong, a mental case strong for sure - they couldn't take me off the guy for a minute or so. i trashed the bar and ran when i heard the sirens, luckily I wasn't caught. the most scary part was my utter lack of control or any foresight, I wasn't planning on losing my shit. before that mayhem and since (at least 15 years ago) I've never laid a finger on no one but lately I can feel that same poison, that cancerous malevolent "thing" inside me, running through my bloodstream, destroying me from the inside and i am REALY scared half to death because it's a lose-lose situation - i can continue being like that and get sick or worse - lose my shit and explode. I don't have any hobbies beside doing lots of drugs and cant seem to find a positive outlet for all that rage that's building inside me for years and years. I don't trust doctors, p-docs or therapists - i wont have that as i was twice hospitalized in a mental hospital 6 months each for making a poor attempt of "crying for help kinda suicide gestures" and was released in a whole lot worse condition then when brought in..

I just don't know what the hell should I do and am a miserable fuck.

thnx for reading and apologies for the length of this stupid rant.

I'm going through the same thing, I've fallen into a complete loop. I've been so worried about myself, my next door neighbour who used to be my housemate just hurls insults across the fence at me. He smokes weed which sets me off, I need help and I kinda went to ED and just walked out of there because I hadn't brought any smokes with me. I'm seeing my doc tomorrow but hopefully I can find another hobby that isn't looking for jobs or making my family worried. I just can't deal with my life as it is right now and I should have reached out for help aeons ago. Now I'm living with a guy who has so much more musical talent than me and I've given up entirely on music. I want to get help but I don't know who to turn to.