Ethical nonmonogamy

[apatheist]

I'm curious how many polyamorous or otherwise nonmonogamous folks we have here on BL, and what your relationship structures look like.

I identify as polyamorous and relationship anarchist. I'm in two committed relationships, but it's as much about family as romance or sex, for me. (Most of my family of origin has passed on, and I always felt like I was from another planet anyways.) My poly network is full of amazing people, and I really feel like I've found my tribe. Unfortunately we're somewhat scattered geographically.

 

[Kittycat5]

I am not polyamorous but interested in what a relationship anarchist is.

 

[apatheist]

I am not polyamorous but interested in what a relationship anarchist is.

For me it's mostly about consciously opting out of riding the relationship escalator.

 

[Kittycat5]

Interesting. I dont really want to hijack your thread but it seems at least part of the escalator (1,2 and maybe 3) must be involved. And for me, while I am married not all of that applies, specifically 7&8. I guess there is so much diversity in peoples interactions and relationships these days, I find it hard to try to define anyone's relationship to others. (Besides myself of course).

 

[apatheist]

Well, with the older of my relationships it did go down more or less like that... but now we're basically platonic, though still very close (and co-parenting). My other relationship is a weird amalgam of best friends/bros/lovers/master+pet.

You'd be surprised how threatened some people can be by relationships that don't look like they're "supposed" to, much like some are still deeply threatened by sexual and gender nonconformity.

 

[Clitnhawk]

Could do a POLL of what people's position is, without getting names... or posts.

 

[Vados]

I don't think I am truly poly because things like romance and family for me is still only for one person. However, I am not entirely closed off to it either. I just don't think humans are innately monogamous, and you only need to see how much cheating is going on to conclude that as a fact. I think the perfect relationship for me is where I am romantically connected and exclusive to one partner and her to me, but we are allowed to have sex with other people. I honestly don't know how I would handle a full on poly relationship until I actually try my hand at one. I wouldn't mind getting in this network.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I have been in open relationships in the past, and know many people who are or were. In theory they are great; but they do not work or last in reality.

I personally will never have one again or attempt one, as someone does wind up getting jealous, hurt, or feels left out.

The genders/sexes or number of people involved in the relationship does not matter, or necessarily make things easier IME.

A lot of people in open relationships/open marriages, "triad" types, etc. will frequently cheat, lie, or break the set up rules that everyone agreed upon.

Or as another bluelighter said before:

TL;DR this is biology. Polyamory is degenerate and only ends up denigrating and hurting both the male and female "partner," whether each one sees it or not at the time. This is the central problem of the "sexual revolution," sheer hedonism isn't the point of sexual relations, but rather, social order and procreation, anything other than this is bound to create nothing but misery. This is an iron law of human nature.

 

[apatheist]

Polls are ok but I am more interested in hearing people's thoughts and experiences. Also it'd be hard to cover all the options, though I suppose there's always the "other" catchall

I don't think I am truly poly because things like romance and family for me is still only for one person. However, I am not entirely closed off to it either. I just don't think humans are innately monogamous, and you only need to see how much cheating is going on to conclude that as a fact. I think the perfect relationship for me is where I am romantically connected and exclusive to one partner and her to me, but we are allowed to have sex with other people. I honestly don't know how I would handle a full on poly relationship until I actually try my hand at one. I wouldn't mind getting in this network.

I have seen open-but-not-poly relationships that work, but a lot of people have a hard time separating love and sex. All that oxytocin is meant to facilitate bonding, after all.

"Getting in the network" would mean being connected with somebody in it %)

I have been in open relationships in the past, and know many people who are or were. In theory they are great; but they do not work or last in reality.

I personally will never have one again or attempt one, as someone does wind up getting jealous, hurt, or feels left out.

The genders/sexes or number of people involved in the relationship does not matter, or necessarily make things easier IME.

A lot of people in open relationships/open marriages, "triad" types, etc. will frequently cheat, lie, or break the set up rules that everyone agreed upon.

You realize that all of this is more or less applicable to monogamous relationships too, right? FWIW, I'm coming up on a 20th anniversary with one partner, and long-term (say >5 years) relationships are as prevalent among the poly folk I know as they are among monogamists. But I don't think duration is the sole measure of relationship success. And my polyamory very definitely is not a solely or even primarily hedonistic pursuit. I'm interested in having awesome people in my life and in my kids' lives - in building a family.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Polls are ok but I am more interested in hearing people's thoughts and experiences. Also it'd be hard to cover all the options, though I suppose there's always the "other" catchall



I have seen open-but-not-poly relationships that work, but a lot of people have a hard time separating love and sex. All that oxytocin is meant to facilitate bonding, after all.

"Getting in the network" would mean being connected with somebody in it %)



You realize that all of this is more or less applicable to monogamous relationships too, right? FWIW, I'm coming up on a 20th anniversary with one partner, and long-term (say >5 years) relationships are as prevalent among the poly folk I know as they are among monogamists. But I don't think duration is the sole measure of relationship success. And my polyamory very definitely is not a solely or even primarily hedonistic pursuit. I'm interested in having awesome people in my life and in my kids' lives - in building a family.

Yes I know it is like that in monogamous relationships too.

 

[Jadekins]

I'm definitely in the ethical nonmonogamy camp.

I have two romantic partners - my primary partner, and my girlfriend.

My relationship with my primary partner is mostly just romantic - we're hardly ever sexual, even though we're both attracted to each other, because of differing sex drives. My girlfriend and I are also rarely sexual and primarily romantic.

I've also got several partners, both local and long-distance, who I have a primarily sexual relationship with. And I'm pretty cool with it.

All of my partners have partners of their own - in some cases, I'm banging both halves of a married couple. Oops.

 

[Kittycat5]

Do you, apatheist, or anyone else find it easier to be in a polyamorous relationship with one member of each sex, as opposed to say two women?

 

[llama112]

Could do a POLL of what people's position is, without getting names... or posts.

We should definitely do a poll! OP, let me know what you'd like the options to be

My partner and I would be more monogamous. We certainly aren't AGAINST anything else. It's just, to be honest, I am not into many other people. We are somewhat "open" and wouldn't say no to something automatically. If either of us wanted to do something with someone else, we'd talk about it first, and go from there. Although that hasn't happened yet in five years so who knows if it even will.

 

[Jadekins]

Do you, apatheist, or anyone else find it easier to be in a polyamorous relationship with one member of each sex, as opposed to say two women?

Personally, I'm more uncomfortable when my options for who I'm "allowed" to date are limited. I also don't put that limitation on my partner - he has another girlfriend, and she's sweet as she can be, and it works out very well.

 

[apatheist]

Do you, apatheist, or anyone else find it easier to be in a polyamorous relationship with one member of each sex, as opposed to say two women?

My relationships are independent of each other. Either they're working or they're not - gender doesn't matter. I also don't date people who are involved with each other. I'm not interested in the kind of poly where everybody in the group is involved with everyone else. Note that this is my personal preference and not a rule imposed on me by partners - like Jadekins, I don't go for restrictions like that.

Um, as for poll options... off the top of my head:

• Polyamorous
• Monogamous
• Open
• Swinger
• Polyfidelitous
• Relationship anarchist
• Other

Users should be able to select more than one option.

 

[Kittycat5]

My relationships are independent of each other. Either they're working or they're not - gender doesn't matter. I also don't date people who are involved with each other. I'm not interested in the kind of poly where everybody in the group is involved with everyone else. Note that this is my personal preference and not a rule imposed on me by partners - like Jadekins, I don't go for restrictions like that.

Um, as for poll options... off the top of my head:

• Polyamorous
• Monogamous
• Open
• Swinger
• Polyfidelitous
• Relationship anarchist
• Other

Users should be able to select more than one option.

I admit for some reason I was thinking your relationship(s) were more of a love triangle type of things where everyone is involved with everybody else. Have no idea why as you never explicitly said such a thing. Perhaps it is because I was loosely acquainted with someone who was, and it ended badly.

I really think the way you do it apatheist (you to Jadekins but not 100% certain your relationships are the same as apatheist's), is a pretty good and healthy setup. As long as all involved accept the terms of the deal, I imagine things like romance, excitement to see each other and just the general spark of connection you feel for each other is superior to monogamists.

This whole topic is quite foreign to me, so can I ask for your indulgence while I ask some most likely cliche questions?

Do you guys feel you love each partner, and if so, do you favor one over another?

I assume everyone involved is aware of the other people in your lives (correct me if wrong). If so, does this ever breed jealousy?

If you met the apocryphal "one," would you continue as you are doing or devote all your time to this single person? If said person asked you to not be polyamorous, would you consider doing so?

Are these relationships "normal" in the sense you do things like go to movies, take vacations together, spend the night at each others homes or are such actions getting you too close to the escalator and to be avoided?

Lastly, are you free to meet others outside of your circle of like minded people for either a casual thing or even as a new lover/partner unbeknownst to your current partners or would that be breaking a bond between you and them?

 

[apatheist]

A lot of people conflate polyamory with polyfidelity (ie a closed group where everyone is involved with everyone else - especially MFF triads). This bugs the hell out of me, and I certainly don't mind answering questions about how I do poly. https://www.morethantwo.com/ is a fantastic resource as well.

I do love both of my partners and I am madly in love with both of them. I don't have a favorite or a primary.

Everyone does generally know about everyone else and for the most part we're all on friendly terms. IME this tends to reduce jealousy - if you're friendly with a metamour, they can't seem like a faceless threat.

I don't believe in "the one." I am as likely to dump both my loves to be monogamous with someone else as I am to abandon my kids to have new kids. In other words, it's not happening. Someone who asked me to do this would not be a good match for me.

"Normal" is another tricky concept as I don't think there is one normal for everyone. I do enjoy doing many kinds of "couple" things with my loves. I am not trying to avoid the relationship escalator to be nonconformist or to prove some sort of point - I merely prefer an a la carte approach to relationships. My partner and I have two kids together, and we live together and go on dates and such. But we aren't married, we won't be getting married, and we aren't often sexual together these days. My boyfriend lives in another state with his wife and their roommate. (One of his other girlfriends lived with them until recently, but she just moved to yet another state with her new wife. Need a diagram yet?) I see him a few times a year; sometimes I just spend a few days at his house, sometimes we'll go to a con or something. My partner's girlfriend used to be local to us but ended up going to grad school at the same university where my boyfriend works, so we've started taking family road trips up too.

After my kids are grown I want to live alone for a while and hopefully see the world, maybe even do the nomad thing. I'd still want to see my guys regularly (and keep in touch daily) but I don't want to be joined at the hip to someone for life.

And yes, we're all free to date as we please. We do agreements rather than rules.

Also note that things are not all roses by any means and we have our share of problems and friction. We've gotten to where we are after considerable trial and sometimes spectacular error. I wouldn't say that it's superior to traditional monogamy (or the serial monogamishness that's closer to reality), but on the whole it does work really well for us.

 

[Jadekins]

Do you guys feel you love each partner, and if so, do you favor one over another?

I love all of my partners very much. I love them in different ways, and get very different things out of loving them, but I don't really favor one over the other.

I assume everyone involved is aware of the other people in your lives (correct me if wrong). If so, does this ever breed jealousy?

Everyone in my circle is aware that, at the very least, they are not my only partner. I don't necessarily share the details of everyone I'm sleeping with with every partner - it just depends on our level of intimacy.

Jealousy is a thing that happens. I let my jealousy happen, and sit with it, and figure out the root of why I'm jealous. Most of the time, it ends up being something easy to fix - needing more time with that partner is almost ALWAYS the cause.

If you met the apocryphal "one," would you continue as you are doing or devote all your time to this single person? If said person asked you to not be polyamorous, would you consider doing so?

Honestly, my primary partner IS this person for me. We live together, we share finances, he is my sun and moon. If I had no other partners but him, I would be happy. We were monogamous for the first year of our relationship, by mutual agreement. And I think part of the reason that he IS my One is that I know he wouldn't ask me to give up my other relationships.

He's my One because he loves all of me, including the part that likes to sex up as many people as possible.

Are these relationships "normal" in the sense you do things like go to movies, take vacations together, spend the night at each others homes or are such actions getting you too close to the escalator and to be avoided?

My relationships are all pretty normal. Well, normal-ish. My partner and my girlfriend, I go on dates with, I snuggle up to at night. My girlfriend offered to call out of work to stay home with me today because I got some rough news, even. My more sexual partners and I tend to hang out like friends do, with pizza and a beer and then some sex.

Lastly, are you free to meet others outside of your circle of like minded people for either a casual thing or even as a new lover/partner unbeknownst to your current partners or would that be breaking a bond between you and them?

My partners will always be informed that I have slept with someone new. It's not really because otherwise a bond would be broken, because they all already know I have multiple partners. It's purely practical - disease prevention. While I always use barriers with new partners, I do understand that sometimes barriers can fail, and I operate on a principle of informed consent. My partners can't give informed consent if I'm leaving information out.

 

[Clitnhawk]

The idea with the poll was for a starter. It doesn't keep people from voicing their opinions or experiences. And for those who are lurkers or just don't want to get into it - it allows a single click to state their general position.

That said, poly relationships and open relationships comes in many different forms.

IMO, more people are poly that they will admit (just as there are far more homosexuals and bisexuals out in the real world - another post about that later) - Lets say a single woman is playing the dating field, and she is dating and have sex with 2-3 different men, independent of each other and based on schedule and desires. She may consider herself monogamous because she isn't married or going steady... but in truth, she is being a light-weight poly. This is typical with adults.

Then we have this world of self-righteous who talk about family values who cheat **cough** duggars or that man or woman who have a one night stand the day or two before they tie the knot. Thats cheating, its bullshit.

 

[apatheist]

I am a fan of letting people self-identify as they please. And I don't think that dating multiple people at once is inherently poly - often people do this while they are deciding which one they do want to commit to. It's just dating.

Then we have this world of self-righteous who talk about family values who cheat **cough** duggars or that man or woman who have a one night stand the day or two before they tie the knot. Thats cheating, its bullshit.

Agreed.