Chris Timothy
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2011
- Messages
- 1,470
Hi guys,
Been absent, brushing with mental breakdown behind the scenes. People in general seem to pile up emotional baggage so it all can be released at the end of the year.. and when that baggage involves trips with yours truly gone bonkers, then all karma gets presented when the lights are on the porches. Not singling out anyone here, it's just the general theme with literally every face I know.
I got into that one state of mind in which you don't even want to kill pain anymore.. but then I got stuck in an endless thought loop, and felt I had to break it with dopaminergics. Just coffee and small amounts of pot, nothing earth-shaking.. but I am reminded how my daily activities run on this layer of artificiality, and I still haven't figured out a way around that. Not to look down on these mental tools, they are ingredients of society's foundational cement.. but there's the fact I can't displace them, and that is telling, and it's been, finally, bugging me.
Still mad respect for Soma for showing me truths of which the details are too taboo to be casually mentioned in a forum post. But all value was in that first, ritual experience. Diving in deeper made a tossed salad of the social connections I upheld my ego game with while dwelling in social isolation.. dipping in more toes but summoned visions of the grim reaper pointing and laughing... I still get the sense there's power in the vedic shroom that needs to be shared with the world just based on what it showed me the first time around. But if herding cats is a problem, try steering earth's most powerful fungus.. Still gonna throw some DXM at it, but I'm also worried the World needs more than shamanistic music right now.
The accidents with the MXE substitutes went from unsightly to plain disgusting. I don't want to talk about it. This time I managed to stab myself in the heart with them. Yet here I am again, on the dubious dissociative soapbox. I'm so used to venting thoughts on EPE on bluelight that it's hard for me to imagine alternative approaches to keeping in touch with y'all. I heard a great quote catching up on podcasts lately: the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connectivity. I feel so connected when I indulge in this accident-waiting-to-happen of a cross between emotional numbness and stimulation... and yes I might have left behind a pearl of wisdom here and there which I otherwise wouldn't have. But the ultimate price is so, damn, high.
Dissociatives are necessary. The brightest people on the planet disagree with me on this, but they have a demonstrable psychological blind spot. At a certain point, certain brains just need to cleanly disconnect. There are perspectives from which this is blatant truism. But if such is inevitable, then we want dissociatives with safety mechanisms built in, to somehow automatically retain as much humaneness as possible. DXM's sickly stoning effect qualifies. The Fire Agaric's holistic earthiness qualifies. Maybe the clarity of ketamine's clinical needle insistence qualifies. And maybe a bigger fool than me can find more exceptions. But as a rule they're more powerful than the psychedelics, which is to say, more heart-suppressing, more babies thrown out with the bath water. More purpose defeated.
Apart from art I've got nothing going on in my life. So I just let it resonate with the state of the world. Which is to say, I've no clear idea where's it's going, and it has a kind of emptiness that's scaring. It's about time I build something to fill that. I don't know what yet, but I know it needs to be.
Was gonna put this in social, but it's grown into dissociation evaluation. So feel free to share thought and criticism.
Been absent, brushing with mental breakdown behind the scenes. People in general seem to pile up emotional baggage so it all can be released at the end of the year.. and when that baggage involves trips with yours truly gone bonkers, then all karma gets presented when the lights are on the porches. Not singling out anyone here, it's just the general theme with literally every face I know.
I got into that one state of mind in which you don't even want to kill pain anymore.. but then I got stuck in an endless thought loop, and felt I had to break it with dopaminergics. Just coffee and small amounts of pot, nothing earth-shaking.. but I am reminded how my daily activities run on this layer of artificiality, and I still haven't figured out a way around that. Not to look down on these mental tools, they are ingredients of society's foundational cement.. but there's the fact I can't displace them, and that is telling, and it's been, finally, bugging me.
Still mad respect for Soma for showing me truths of which the details are too taboo to be casually mentioned in a forum post. But all value was in that first, ritual experience. Diving in deeper made a tossed salad of the social connections I upheld my ego game with while dwelling in social isolation.. dipping in more toes but summoned visions of the grim reaper pointing and laughing... I still get the sense there's power in the vedic shroom that needs to be shared with the world just based on what it showed me the first time around. But if herding cats is a problem, try steering earth's most powerful fungus.. Still gonna throw some DXM at it, but I'm also worried the World needs more than shamanistic music right now.
The accidents with the MXE substitutes went from unsightly to plain disgusting. I don't want to talk about it. This time I managed to stab myself in the heart with them. Yet here I am again, on the dubious dissociative soapbox. I'm so used to venting thoughts on EPE on bluelight that it's hard for me to imagine alternative approaches to keeping in touch with y'all. I heard a great quote catching up on podcasts lately: the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connectivity. I feel so connected when I indulge in this accident-waiting-to-happen of a cross between emotional numbness and stimulation... and yes I might have left behind a pearl of wisdom here and there which I otherwise wouldn't have. But the ultimate price is so, damn, high.
Dissociatives are necessary. The brightest people on the planet disagree with me on this, but they have a demonstrable psychological blind spot. At a certain point, certain brains just need to cleanly disconnect. There are perspectives from which this is blatant truism. But if such is inevitable, then we want dissociatives with safety mechanisms built in, to somehow automatically retain as much humaneness as possible. DXM's sickly stoning effect qualifies. The Fire Agaric's holistic earthiness qualifies. Maybe the clarity of ketamine's clinical needle insistence qualifies. And maybe a bigger fool than me can find more exceptions. But as a rule they're more powerful than the psychedelics, which is to say, more heart-suppressing, more babies thrown out with the bath water. More purpose defeated.
Apart from art I've got nothing going on in my life. So I just let it resonate with the state of the world. Which is to say, I've no clear idea where's it's going, and it has a kind of emptiness that's scaring. It's about time I build something to fill that. I don't know what yet, but I know it needs to be.
Was gonna put this in social, but it's grown into dissociation evaluation. So feel free to share thought and criticism.
