Ecstasy in my Sugar Bowl. I need HELP :)

[darren1210]

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Have been reading the forum for a while, never got round to signing up. Thought I would share something I am going through as it is ecstasy related and maybe quite an interesting read to some. There are also pretty knowledgeable people on the site so some impartial perspective would be cool.

Right, let's get to it.

So I have been having anxiety / panic attacks for around 5 years now, usually a 2/3 times per week. They 99% of the time happen when I have eaten or drunk something and the anxiety is centered around the fact that that whatever I have ingested has been spiked.. with guess what.. an ecstasy tablet! This can be out at a restaurant, at a bar or even at home (yep.. had workman in the house a few days previous and convinced myself they had crushed up a pill and put it in the sugar bowl as a practical joke). Wow.

I get that while the whole drink spiking is certainly possible (and does happen) it is most definitely irrational, and with a certain amount of diligence probably about as likely as winning the lottery.

This has affected my life pretty badly as you can imagine, I have gone out and drunk at bars with the guys but it is more of a chore than enjoyable experience - as usually always ends up in me having an anxiety attack regardless if I watched the bar tender pour my drink, and then watched the same drink on the table like a Hawk to make sure no one puts an Ecstasy pill in it. WTF? Yes I realise how completely mental I sound.

Good news is I have seen my doctor to try and get some help for this and finally got an appointment for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I am excited to start.


How I feel when having the anxiety attack...

- Scared that someone has put ecstasy in my food or drink.
- Scared that I will be in for an intense roll which is out of my control (for like 5-6 hours plus comedown).
- Scared that I could die, people die from ecstasy (again, irrational as more chance of car accident).


The anxiety attacks usually last for around 1 - 1.5 hours, basically the time it takes for me to 'write off' the fact that if I had have been spiked then I would have 'come up' and be rolling by now.


I'll also add a bit of background info...

- Took ecstasy from ages 17-22. Probably around 30 pills total.
- Had one bad experience, started rushing insanely from a Mitsubishi and freaked me out pretty bad as it was so intense. Was with good friends at the time who took me out for a walk and calmed me down, good night after that.
- Have taken other drugs on and off throughout my life: speed, cocaine, cannabis (pretty much full-time from 16-24).
- After age of 24, not too much drugs except a little on/off weed smoking which I've pretty much stopped for 3+ years (I'm 32 btw).
- Have a massive fear of flying, have only flown once (4 years ago) since I was 15. Had a massive anxiety attack (..of course) on the flight. Only mentioned as the attack was pretty much identical to how I feel when I have the drink spike anxiety attacks.

*Had 2 nights out when I was 18 and 20 where my drink got spiked. At least that's what I thought. Looking back, did my drink actually get spiked or did I just have an early onset of the anxiety attacks I am experiencing now. Thinking about it, they were very anxious experiences - and that's just not consistent with taking Molly.


Questions I need answered (not necessarily by you guys, but any ideas would be appreciated)

- Why am I so freakin' scared about ecstasy. Even if I did get spiked, ecstasy is cool - I would have a good time!
- Why so paranoid about someone spiking me, usually if someone spikes a drink it is for a reason (rape / revenge etc). Irrational.
- Still not sure as to why it is centered around this drug in particular and not any other.

- Should I just test and then take an ecstasy pill, face your fear style. I kind of have a burning to take one (since my gf takes from time to time and would love to share a roll with her), but am also scared at the same time.


Thanks for reading, and maybe one of you can make more sense of this than me!

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[Brenner]

I'm sure someone will come along with a lot more knowledge than me but since i'm mostly still in control when on MDMA (Ecstasy) - As long as its safe to do so then i'd try say 100mg in a controlled setting with some friends (though i'm not promoting drug use). At least you'll have faced your fear than and realise had someone actually spiked you with MDMA you're in for a happy night Use a testing kit so you can be sure what you have is actually MDMA and not something else.

 

[JWills20]

It's simply anxiety based upon previous experiences. I used to think my drink's got spiked too when I'd wake up in the morning with little recollection of an evening drinking but in reality I'd just drunk wayyyyy too much alcohol. Luckily for me I wouldn't panic about these things as general anxiety has never been an issue for me. It literally just sounds like a situational-based anxiety that you struggle to control perhaps triggered from the one night you freaked out on MDMA. The thing with anxiety is that it is always irrational but by admitting that you're already one step of the way to overcoming it. One part of beating anxiety is to accept the thoughts instead of trying to 'fight' them. Recognising there irrational nature is one step of the way to achieving that. Attend the CBT sessions and really listen and apply yourself to the sessions. It's likely that the CBT will involve some kind of practical elements which will cause you fear and that's the whole point. It's only when you face the fears and expose your raw vulnerabilities that you can begin to overcome them. My therapist used to say it's like stretching a rubber band - you do something that really scares you completely stretching the rubber band which then becomes a little looser when it goes back to it's normal shape. Keep stretching the band on a daily basis and eventually you'll snap it and it's gone.

- Should I just test and then take an ecstasy pill, face your fear style. I kind of have a burning to take one (since my gf takes from time to time and would love to share a roll with her), but am also scared at the same time.

I honestly doubt this will help. I think the root cause of your anxiety is a general fear/paranoia when consuming food/drink. In my opinion, if you weren't worrying about your drink being spiked with MDMA you'd be worrying about it being spiked by something else. The anxiety has probably attributed itself to the MDMA based upon your prior experiences with the drug.

Heres a quote which I like particularly and helps me when my thoughts spiral somewhat out of control:

Everytime you create a gap in the stream of mind, the light of your consciousness grows stronger. One day you may catch yourself laughing at the voice in your head, as you would laugh at the antics of a small child. This means that you no longer take what's in your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.

-Ekhart Tolle

It's funny how therapeutic it was for me when I first just laughed at the voice in my head and certainly worked a bit for me.

 

[Solitude_within]

^Great post, JWills20. I have irrational anxious thoughts on a daily basis and you hit on all the points that I would have mentioned in trying to deal with that kind of fear.

Realizing that the fear is irrational and not based in reason is indeed the first step in responding to the gut reaction in a positive and constructive way. Discovering the root of this fear by working through therapy would probably be your next step in moving past this fear and living with it in a healthy way. Best of luck