EADD Heroin discussion v.21 -- Big shout out to kkattastic :)

[strungout2010]

That sounds great Strungout. I wish I could keep my tubes for 6 days before opening but I usually give in after 2 days and have to open it up. Sounds like a great one that you have there mate, enjoy.

Yeah a roll big tubes mak 5" pencil thick fucked the pointed tips off yeas ago , because I'm a lazy cunt , I run them till they block but they never taste that great I'm allways goofing out and dribbling down them.
My work one I keep in the van is Allways decent wrapped in a king skin ,For stealth .

Fun tooter facts for the day ( sorry for being a boring cunt ) might need to get out more.

Fuck running out of gear over Christmas / new. Year I'd sell the kids to the gypcys , whore out the Mrs , and porn everyone's presents . Got to have your priorities right.

 

[trip2themoon]

basically the fuckers know theyve sold it the second you phone - it isnt like ya gonna go "ah well i'm gonna be 5 mins for work so ill meet you this evening." so they can take their fuckking time. plus most h dealers are h addicts with lots of h; would you have much motivation to move your arse quickly?

Got to keep your options open. I remember going to a lassie to score just because she lived beside the Morrisons I was shopping at at the time. She messed me about for an hour with her gouching out in front of me so I sent the boy who lives a 2 minute walk from me a text (it was getting late and I was starting to worry about other options soon being unavailable) to ask if I could come and see him. He texted me back straight away with a yes. So I bounce up and say "fuck this, I'm off". As I got to her front door she got up and served me. I knew she was at it with her kidding on she's more wrecked than she is. There's plenty other smack dealers in the world, don't use people who come the cunt, you're only encouraging their bullshit behaviour.

 

[BecomingJulie]

So, after two or three days without gear, you think to yourself, I don't have to put up with this shite anymore -- I can just go out and get a bag, and make everything right again. But that's not quite right. The fallacy is that you've already put up with that shite, and for long enough until everything is already almost right enough again for you even to contemplate the act of scoring. This is the corner. This is the moment of maximum vulnerability. The temptation is there to slide down the rainbow back to Square One; because sooner or later, you're going to run out, and then you'll be right back here again.

But that's also a fallacy. You won't be back here again at all; you'll be where you were two or three days ago, when you ran out. This is what you get blinded to. If you stay the course now, you will get better all by yourself. But when you think about gear, you can't really think about anything but the High. The powder melting, the beetle running down the foil, the plume of white smoke entering the tooter, and the best feeling in the world. The experience of withdrawal doesn't feature in those calculations.

Stay strong. Remember, you have already put up with that shite .....

 

[Sprout]

How true, Julie.
Opioid addiction is so self-perpetuating and Heroin is the worst of the lot due to having its own ready-made culture.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Julie, I always get the feeling that you're almost always in perpetual withdrawal, have a run of it.. rattle it out.. rinse and repeat. Isn't that really fuckin hard work? Hope you're ok anyways

My heroin story for the day is... I've being buying off of the same guys for years, years and years.. It's a kinda love hate relationship, some of them are alright, some of them are fuckin dickheads, some like me, some don't... ok.. all of them like me, because I'm so cool and funny..

Anyway, they've been selling these half 'a grams for years, I was lucky in the last couple of years in the drought because the gear was decent. But it was 40 FUCKIN quid, I was buying 3.5g of head between your knees, gear on your teeth with black all over your face, light switches all over the fuckin place for 85/90 blumin quid.... and now you're telling me, this shit is 40 quid.. it's not even half a gram. I've argued for years and years that this particular wrap they do can in no way, shape or form be... a half gram.

So I mystery shoppered them the other week with my 0.00mg scales Show them... It was a 0.7..... YAY.... I was wrong...

I don't understand those scales, bought them but they're complicated.

xmas suxked purely cuz i ran out being the greedy cunt i am, got 7 grams lined uo for new year n beyond.. bad idea? yes ,,, do i care ... as long as i got some dhc? nope "D

hope u all had a good xmas

I wouldn't say you're greedy you can't help having an addiction n we all run out of substances n feel annoyed with ourselves. Be safe

Evey

 

[Sprout]

Scales aren't complicated Eve - swing by Gibz and let me know how they display. I.e: '0.1/0.01/0.001' and I'll try and advise.

 

[monstanoodle]

Jeeezbuzz..... I've got a tolerance so as to be able to knock two bags bcack on the foil and ... I'll get to the point:
The stuff is really good and fuckin hell - I'm gettin amazing closed eye hallucinations like J used to fet ewhen I did when I first started smokin!
Neverv thought that'd happen again!

 

[BecomingJulie]

Had a phone call from Jess this morning. She wants me to do another scoring mission for her. On New Sodding Year. Meanwhile, a family occasion has me out of mobile coverage; fortunately I remembered the password from my parents' wi-fi the first time they asked me to set it up.

So I'm going to have to look at it, but I don't think I'll want to get any for myself. As I said before, H won't fix what's up with me; only time is going to do that. I need a decent break, which I might or might not die before the end of. Not the binge -- try to eke it out as long as possible -- run out -- feel like crap -- score again cycle I seemed to have got into.

And she's going to have to get herself a new connection nearer herself (but enough of a ride away to make you think twice). Realistically, this one we've got isn't going to last forever.

Aw, I guess whatever's gonna happen, is gonna happen .....

 

[Dark Side]

I think I can honestly say I don't crave opiates at all and I was on them every day for 20 years. Admittedly it wasn't heroin but I doubt oxy, morphine, fentanyl, methadone etc. are any different. I think it does go away eventually. Being around morphine all day long isn't really an issue either it's just a box full of little glass bottles really. It will get easier with time sprout it's just a case of getting your head around it. You've done the hard work already mate

Because you didn't use them to get high and dont have the emotional attachment to them in that way, People underestimate the emotional attachment to drugs, you practically marry them if you use them to feel good, reality is most your misery is self inflicted so its a never ending cycle of use. Im getting off opiods atm, i cut down to 5 grams of kratom a day and now i'm on day 3 of CT and i'm not suffering what so ever because it's 90 percent mental with kratom, if i still enjoyed the high I would be suffering a lot more with out it. %) But Codeine and kratom do nothing to me anymore and I have lost the emotional need for them because of it.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Yep. It's the high that I miss. And the ritual -- I have to make my flute from just the right sized piece of foil, rolled around a biro that writes (that's as important as the TV volume being on an odd number; better for it to be a bit too loud or too quiet than on an even number) and secured with the glue strip torn from a Rizla paper. And of course, I completely forget about all the shit side, the moment there's a whiff of a score in the air .....

So maybe this will have to be a "proving I can do it" exercise, if I can't find a way out of it.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I'm going to be blunt here n it's onlt because I care n because you've salways tried helping me n alwsys given me total honesty, to the best of my knowledge.

If you're wanting to give up or take a long break you're not going to be able to succeed if you're scoring H for someome else you'd habe to be made of stome to resist that type of temptation.

Is Jess aware that you're tryimg to take a break? Mind you if she's an addict, n please don't think I'm judging her I'm not, she's more than likely to take advantage to get what she needs, we all would. This may not be what you meed to hear but if you are tryimg to get well you may need to be firm with Jess n put yourseld first. Easier said than done my advive would be to sit her down n explai thar you can't score for her as you need to stay away from H. She may not Understand n try all ways to get you to comtinue scoring but this is where you'd need to be strong.

I know you're smart n know your stuff re programming but you can't programme or manipulatw yourself out of the withdrawals it doesn't work that way n they get worst because it's the nature of thr beast n could very well be placebo affect / trick of the mind personal think its psychologicak addiction grower stronger thus you feel
Your WD as a trick of thr mind feelig it "needs" the drug.

I know it's essy for me to sit here n say this as Jess isn't my girlfriend n someone I've feelings for. But if you don't start putting yourself first soon it will catch up with you. Functional addicts are only functional addicts for lonf unless they are extremely lucky - n hardly anyone is. It will catch with you.

Obvioisly I cannot tell you what to do n wouldn't disrespect you by trying but as a member of this site I feel it's only tright n fair that I try offerimg you advice as I am a person not involved in yoir situatiom n do not know either of you whereas you may feel it somewhat difficult tobe object due to your feelings for Jess n relatiomshi with Heroin.

Sorry I can't be of any further help but am here to listem if you ever need someone to talk to.

Evey

 

[BecomingJulie]

I know for a fact that Jess is using me, but she is going through some personal grief right now against which my own "problem" pales right into insignificance. She has a methadone script; she knows I don't. She knows I like it; she might not know quite how much.

Still, all I have to do is score the stuff, pop it in an envelope and then it becomes S.O.C.'s problem. All I have to do is leave it alone this one time .....

 

[Sprout]

You can do it Julie, I know you can.
Think of it as the first step on a road considerably brighter than the one travelled prior.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Thanks .....

There will be another opportunity for temptation to rear its head in a fortnight's time anyway, probably; so I should be just about able to manage to leave it alone this time, by the simple expedient of convincing myself that it will be better if I force myself to hang on for another 2 weeks.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Without wishing to sound melodramatic Julie, I firmly believe that no-one gives up Heroin, it has to give up on you. Heroin addiction is like a self fulfilling prophecy - once you've set the ball rolling with that first try, it has to run its course. You appear to still be in love with the stuff, which is understandable because she's one sexy little tease, but to be truly free you have to learn to HATE everything she stands for, then wait until she's had enough of you...

 

[Sprout]

I can relate to that very much so.
I fell out of love with Opioids years before I quit.

 

[BecomingJulie]

That's the thing ..... I don't actually want to fall out of love with opiates. I just can't maintain the relationship I presently have with them, because it's turning destructive. Which means the only logical course of action is just to start spending less and less time together. Keep the good memories from so far, but not build up any more really bad ones. And pretend to ourselves and each other that we're still on nodding terms (pun intended).

If I said I was going to give the gear up permanently, I know for a fact that I'd go straight into craving mode and end up relapsing and hating myself. This was reinforced by seeing my parents, my sister and her kids today, tracing all our individual traits, habits and mannerisms down the family tree, and seeing just what cloth we're all cut from. I'd find it much easier, psychologically, to break a promise to use again one day, just not today .....

Beside which, my endorphin production appears to have returned to normal now -- and it might just overshoot, resulting in what I call the False Stone. Not quite a proper opiate high; more like a stronger version of the "Fuck me, did I really just do that?" wibbliness that follows the kind of event that induces an endorphin release. And free, and an indication of getting better, so there's not much not to like.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Yes a bloke in one of my addivtion recovery group had that attitude. Imstead of telling himself he was never going to touch alvohol again he said he'd have a drink sometime on a Boxing day but didn't say which n because he's kinda tricked his mind, he doesn't have the extreme slcohol cravings that he would have done had he outright denied himself a drink

Evey

 

[BecomingJulie]

..... And if he ever does have that Boxing Day drink, he's not going to feel guilty about it and get all self-destructive with negative emotions leading to a relapse. The satisfaction of a promise fulfilled, amplified by the disinhibitating effects of the alcohol itself, probably will just lead him to say "There, that's that, then" and leave it alone until another Boxing Day -- after all, it's not like he's fallen off the wagon and started breaking promises. Fair play to him, I say, if it gets him through .....

If you try to tell me I'm a lousy no-good fucked-up junkie bitch, I'm not going to take that. I inherited a certain bloody-minded streak from my mother, who inherited it from her father, who inherited it from his father; and I've just got to work within that whenever assessing how I might respond to a given situation. In the worst case, I'm going to start acting like what you treat me like, because what's the point pretending any differently when everyone has already made their mind up anyway? I'm no lousy no-good fucked-up junkie bitch, but I might just not mind being called a lazy cow who can't even be bothered to go out and score

EDIT: False Stone definitely in progress

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

That's the thing ..... I don't actually want to fall out of love with opiates. I just can't maintain the relationship I presently have with them, because it's turning destructive. .

That sums the whole thing up quite nicely...