Dying in slow motion 13 of opiate hell.

[d3athadone]

I don't even know where to turn anymore. Everyone thinks I'm ok and I'm not. I'm not ok. I just lie because I can't stand to see the look on their faces when I tell them I have relapsed yet again. The look of hopelessness and grief in their eyes is just too much to bare. Here I am sick again. FOr the hundredth time. Thats a lowball if you count all the times I was sick for a day here a few days there, were looking at thousands of times I've been sick. Why do I torture myself so? What am I thinking. What dark force reaches out to consume? To abuse? & isnt that what its all about? Abuse. I know I'm looking for that peace. Why do I keep looking over and over again in the same area. Am I broken? Whats wrong with me?

Listen Up kiddies. Stay away from drugs. Stay away from here. If you are not addicted to drugs. Get the fuck off bluelight. I started using after getting into bluelight when I wa slike 19 years old. I don't know if I was just destined to be a drug addict so I came here or if I came here and became a drug addict. I was always an addict and abuser and liar when I was a kid so who knows. I was a fucking little shit acting out. Yes I have always had a heart. Yes I am a good person. But damn I was a fucking son of a bitch too. So angry. So angry at everything, the world, my parents, the teachers. Everything wrong. Everything bad. And what did I do? I did the same thing you are doing now or have already done. I became what I hated. I have a son now. Hes 4 months old. I love him very much and am very lucky and blessed to have a mother that loves and cares for him like an Angel. & here I am again. Broken and sick. My mind an empty dead field.

I'm still angry. In a way, I'm more angry than ever. Angry at myself. Angry at the pain I've cause myself and others. Angry at the PTSD I now live with that could have been completely avoided. Angry at the times I hurt others. Angry at the system. Angry at the abuse. The abuse I see everywhere, reflected in literally everything in this world now. From the toilet paper you wipe your ass with, to the wedding cake you share on a special day, its all got pain in its veins. Abuse abuse abuse. And now fentanyl and the pandemic? Its no time to be a drug addict.

Do you know what my cusin(brother) did? The person I grew up with as a child?Just 4 months befire this pandemic He stabbed himself in the throat and bled out in a rooming house for people to find. No note. No nothing. He was also an opiate addict. And also abused. Abused terribly. I just cant have that for my kid. I have to fucking be there for him so that I can protect him when he needs it. So that he doesn't join a fucking gang or became a fucking loser like his father or HIS WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY. On both sides Ahem. Fucking losers. Only fucking cool one was my mom. Bless her. Anyway. U dont want to ucking be me. 33 and in just like. I don't know man.... I hope the generation of kids these days know better. But Somehow I really doubt it... 33 fucking blows. Its my birthday in like a month and 33 just blows. Fucking car breaking down, barely making payments. Insurance etc... Canada fucking sucks right now. I can only imagine the states.

The whole bloody system just seems hostile and shit right now. This human experiment is fucking doomed. You think we can actually wield the type of power we do with the fucking backward ass abusive power addicts we have on this planet? You think our addictions are bad? Try being addicted to being a billionaire super villan. Those fucking pieces of shit use up millions of families happiness so that they can feel like the god pharohs of egypt. Its like try sharing you stupid fucking cunts. Billions of dollars while people are dying in the streets? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. & the look on their rich faces. They all either look like they are on downers and dazed like mark zuckerbot or elon musk or on uppers like who is that other fuck Jeff bezos or Tom cruise. All a bunch of fucking pigs at the trough. Getting their fix. Ya I wouldnt fucking do drugs either If I had a billion dollars. Ya cunts. Try making other peoples lives good for once. Even the romans and shit had bread and circus. Fuck all we got today is a god damn screen alone in a room. I'd trade this fucking cookie cutter capitolist robot communist slave earth lifestyle for an ancient life really lived any day. Like what is the fucking point of living a life in a fucking box? Staring at a screen?

Anyway I'm done. Hope you learned something. Peace and love.

 

[JessFR]

I dunno what to say. All I wanna do is give you a hug.

 

[d3athadone]

Lol I would probably love one if my skin wasnt on fire and blood boiling and shivering at the same time. But the thought is there

 

[negrogesic]

If you're stuck on methadone just FYI i was on 380mg/day and was able to get off

 

[d3athadone]

Thats a lot man. Congrats. I'm stuck on methadone cuz I keep relapsing. I'm on 15mg atm. I can get off methadone one day but u know at this rate ill be dead before it happens. I dunno I'm just sick my attitude is trash right now.

 

[JessFR]

Thats a lot man. Congrats. I'm stuck on methadone cuz I keep relapsing. I'm on 15mg atm. I can get off methadone one day but u know at this rate ill be dead before it happens. I dunno I'm just sick my attitude is trash right now.

You don't HAVE to get off it. Ultimately it's up to you, your priorities, and what you want and what you think is in your best interests.

I'm on methadone (80mg) and intend to be on it indefinitely.

 

[d3athadone]

I find methadone is like hells lobby. Just waiting to get into the real party. I already have been on it for 10 years. What good has it done me. I'm just constantly going down on it til I get real low and then relapse and end up back where I was. I'm fat as shit now. Like what am I supposed to do with all this fat? Its outrageous how damn fat I am. And I never really laugh on it. I just want to feel okay. Bless all the happy people in this world. You make this place worth living.

 

[JessFR]

Well you said you relapse every time you get low on it. What if you just stayed on a comfortable dose?

As for your weight issues, there might be better options for that than getting off methadone.

And say there aren't, is getting back on the drugs better?

I dunno, these are hard problems to work out and I'm not you. I'm just giving some thoughts to consider.

Hell if you just wanna rant about it that's totally fine too, sometimes just venting some frustration without really looking for answers can be helpful too.

Life on opioids can really suck. I've been doing it for pretty much my whole adult life. A lot of other people here can relate too.

 

[d3athadone]

Yeah it fucking sucks! Honestly I think its more painful when I keep trying to get well and cant. Its just 1 huge disappointment after another. THere is no comfortable dose for me. I hate methadone it makes me feel like time is just passing me by. I just need to be clean and free. Methadone is just an excuse for me to use. I was at 60 mls just a little while ago and ugh.. Like i dont even feel like having sex. what is the point for me.

 

[RedRum OG]

Dont expect methadone to fix all your problems. While you were on methadone were you sleeping, eating, and exercising on a regular schedule? Were you working? It takes years of doing that stuff to feel better, methadone or no.

 

[jssheld]

If you're stuck on methadone just FYI i was on 380mg/day and was able to get off

I say god damn, 380mg a day of m’done is quite a dose. Did you clinic set you up on that or do you supplement by getting some m’done off the street? Because the highest my clinic will go is 200mg. Congratulation on getting off.

 

[BenzoBrain3]

I don't even know where to turn anymore. Everyone thinks I'm ok and I'm not. I'm not ok. I just lie because I can't stand to see the look on their faces when I tell them I have relapsed yet again. The look of hopelessness and grief in their eyes is just too much to bare. Here I am sick again. FOr the hundredth time. Thats a lowball if you count all the times I was sick for a day here a few days there, were looking at thousands of times I've been sick. Why do I torture myself so? What am I thinking. What dark force reaches out to consume? To abuse? & isnt that what its all about? Abuse. I know I'm looking for that peace. Why do I keep looking over and over again in the same area. Am I broken? Whats wrong with me?

Listen Up kiddies. Stay away from drugs. Stay away from here. If you are not addicted to drugs. Get the fuck off bluelight. I started using after getting into bluelight when I wa slike 19 years old. I don't know if I was just destined to be a drug addict so I came here or if I came here and became a drug addict. I was always an addict and abuser and liar when I was a kid so who knows. I was a fucking little shit acting out. Yes I have always had a heart. Yes I am a good person. But damn I was a fucking son of a bitch too. So angry. So angry at everything, the world, my parents, the teachers. Everything wrong. Everything bad. And what did I do? I did the same thing you are doing now or have already done. I became what I hated. I have a son now. Hes 4 months old. I love him very much and am very lucky and blessed to have a mother that loves and cares for him like an Angel. & here I am again. Broken and sick. My mind an empty dead field.

I'm still angry. In a way, I'm more angry than ever. Angry at myself. Angry at the pain I've cause myself and others. Angry at the PTSD I now live with that could have been completely avoided. Angry at the times I hurt others. Angry at the system. Angry at the abuse. The abuse I see everywhere, reflected in literally everything in this world now. From the toilet paper you wipe your ass with, to the wedding cake you share on a special day, its all got pain in its veins. Abuse abuse abuse. And now fentanyl and the pandemic? Its no time to be a drug addict.

Do you know what my cusin(brother) did? The person I grew up with as a child?Just 4 months befire this pandemic He stabbed himself in the throat and bled out in a rooming house for people to find. No note. No nothing. He was also an opiate addict. And also abused. Abused terribly. I just cant have that for my kid. I have to fucking be there for him so that I can protect him when he needs it. So that he doesn't join a fucking gang or became a fucking loser like his father or HIS WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY. On both sides Ahem. Fucking losers. Only fucking cool one was my mom. Bless her. Anyway. U dont want to ucking be me. 33 and in just like. I don't know man.... I hope the generation of kids these days know better. But Somehow I really doubt it... 33 fucking blows. Its my birthday in like a month and 33 just blows. Fucking car breaking down, barely making payments. Insurance etc... Canada fucking sucks right now. I can only imagine the states.

The whole bloody system just seems hostile and shit right now. This human experiment is fucking doomed. You think we can actually wield the type of power we do with the fucking backward ass abusive power addicts we have on this planet? You think our addictions are bad? Try being addicted to being a billionaire super villan. Those fucking pieces of shit use up millions of families happiness so that they can feel like the god pharohs of egypt. Its like try sharing you stupid fucking cunts. Billions of dollars while people are dying in the streets? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. & the look on their rich faces. They all either look like they are on downers and dazed like mark zuckerbot or elon musk or on uppers like who is that other fuck Jeff bezos or Tom cruise. All a bunch of fucking pigs at the trough. Getting their fix. Ya I wouldnt fucking do drugs either If I had a billion dollars. Ya cunts. Try making other peoples lives good for once. Even the romans and shit had bread and circus. Fuck all we got today is a god damn screen alone in a room. I'd trade this fucking cookie cutter capitolist robot communist slave earth lifestyle for an ancient life really lived any day. Like what is the fucking point of living a life in a fucking box? Staring at a screen?

Anyway I'm done. Hope you learned something. Peace and love.

Jesus.... I'm very sick now too from street benzos and I can barely see where I'm walking because my vision is so damn blurred. I'm pretty much going blind now. Yes Canada is fucking bad and the United States is even worse because their so rich and powerful but they are too busy trying to shutdown the international drug websites but..what are they doing about Mexico? Those cartels are literally terrorist organizations and the American president can make it official and start sending all those drones hovering over those mansions and randomly demolishing them. It doesn't matter nobody else can stop the big bad Feds from doing that. Um..why do they have like 17 federal law enforcement agencies for some reason..kind of a mystery

I mean that probably would have gotten Donald Trump reelected but...he set a record for a losing vote and whined on Twitter until Biden got sworn in. It was over 72 million votes but he still lost. All he cared about for those 4 years was..what exactly was it again??