Drug inflicted PTSD forced me to fix my life. Now, I want to feel normal again

[AnanasBannana]

I wasn't healthy, nor was I very successful in my life or relationship. I smoked, ate a lot of fast food and probably wasn't as good as a partner as I should've been.

Had never felt anxiety. I didn't even understand the concept.

Then, I overdosed on 1 gram of MDMA. Two nights, back to back.

I went to the emergency room, assuming I had moments left to live. (STUPID).

The next few months were tough. I was having ~ten REALLY bad panic attacks a week.

So - over the next year, I got healthy. I stopped taking drugs. I quit smoking. I don't eat much meat, now it's things like Quinoa and Beetroot... and lentils. I exercise four days a week. I'm the healthiest and happiest I've ever been.

But, the drug related anxiety hasn't left me. I can't lie on my left side because the sound of my heartbeat makes me feel like I'm going to die. If I get remotely dehydrated (like I was on that night), I suddenly start panicking.

I have thoughts of death all the time (as in, the assumption that I'm about to die).

I've smoked weed about five times since. Each time, I have terrible panic attacks. LSD affects me similarly. Any drugs at all cause this panic, even when I have something like Phenibut (or Ginkgo, or anything I haven't tried before), I suddenly panicking that maybe I'm allergic and I need to keep taking deep breaths so that I have enough energy to make it to help before I run out of oxygen and die... crazy!!!

My girlfriend (we were both there that night - doing the same stupid thing) has similar issues too.

So, my goals:

1) I want to stop this totally irrational anxiety disorder that I've developed.
2) I want to start taking drugs again - I miss them.


Has anyone been in a similar position? Have any advice for me?

 

[MissBoo]

It sounds like you need some counseling. It's hard to deal with ptsd and panic attacks on your own. They have people who specialize in that. Congrats on getting clean!!