Drug induced psychosis ruined my life

[washingtonbound]

I’m having a really hard time these days regaining any kind of self respect I might have had before this nightmare started almost ten years ago. I am now 28, unemployed and living at my moms, just feeling like garbage about myself.

At 19 I had my first full blown psychotic break induced by high potency THC. This scared off my friends from high school and I have been thought of a freak in my hometown ever since. I had been convinced that certain numbers I was seeing were messages from “the divine” as I’d say and was convinced I was on some kind of mission to save the world. Absolutely pathetic and embarrassing. After being shot with abilify in the hospital, I had another episode about a month later after smoking weed again. You would think I would’ve been scared straight but the cycle just went on and on.

Over the following years I spent a fair amount of time buying drugs online, and lost it again several times from LSD and ketamine among other things. I was just bound and determined to keep experimenting even though it wreaked havoc on my life in the most extreme sense. Any relationship I might’ve had deteriorated and I was left fuming and feeling sorry for myself each time I’d get out of the hospital. A few times I was kicked out of my moms and had to go to a few rehabs. None of these helped and arguably made things worse.

At this point I have nothing whatsoever to show for my life despite being given opportunities to go to college and better myself. I have no friends, no money, and would be on the street if it wasn’t for family taking me in. I have been in the psych ward over 20 times and have little confidence that I’ll ever be able to function normally. When I’m not using drugs, I’m never psychotic, but the toll the hospital stays has taken on me has made me develop other issues.

Just needed to vent a little bit because I’ve really been feeling worthless lately.

 

[Eligiu]

I'm really sorry that you've had these experiences. I also get psychosis whenever I use meth and despite that, don't seem to learn my lesson.

I've also spent a fair deal of time in psych wards, which has definitely been traumatic for me but it is what it is.

There are a lot of good resources on here for the type of experiences that you have had and many people who would be able to offer some support I think

I have a friend who had weed induced psychosis, and since he didn't smoke he has been fine.

Have you got any hobbies that you enjoy? Activities you can get back into? That's been the most helpful for me.

 

[washingtonbound]

I'm really sorry that you've had these experiences. I also get psychosis whenever I use meth and despite that, don't seem to learn my lesson.

I've also spent a fair deal of time in psych wards, which has definitely been traumatic for me but it is what it is.

There are a lot of good resources on here for the type of experiences that you have had and many people who would be able to offer some support I think

I have a friend who had weed induced psychosis, and since he didn't smoke he has been fine.

Have you got any hobbies that you enjoy? Activities you can get back into? That's been the most helpful for me.

Usually I enjoy making music and skateboarding, but lately have been losing a bit of interest. Depression has kicked in following the last episode I had about four months ago.

 

[nznity]

I’m having a really hard time these days regaining any kind of self respect I might have had before this nightmare started almost ten years ago. I am now 28, unemployed and living at my moms, just feeling like garbage about myself.

At 19 I had my first full blown psychotic break induced by high potency THC. This scared off my friends from high school and I have been thought of a freak in my hometown ever since. I had been convinced that certain numbers I was seeing were messages from “the divine” as I’d say and was convinced I was on some kind of mission to save the world. Absolutely pathetic and embarrassing. After being shot with abilify in the hospital, I had another episode about a month later after smoking weed again. You would think I would’ve been scared straight but the cycle just went on and on.

Over the following years I spent a fair amount of time buying drugs online, and lost it again several times from LSD and ketamine among other things. I was just bound and determined to keep experimenting even though it wreaked havoc on my life in the most extreme sense. Any relationship I might’ve had deteriorated and I was left fuming and feeling sorry for myself each time I’d get out of the hospital. A few times I was kicked out of my moms and had to go to a few rehabs. None of these helped and arguably made things worse.

At this point I have nothing whatsoever to show for my life despite being given opportunities to go to college and better myself. I have no friends, no money, and would be on the street if it wasn’t for family taking me in. I have been in the psych ward over 20 times and have little confidence that I’ll ever be able to function normally. When I’m not using drugs, I’m never psychotic, but the toll the hospital stays has taken on me has made me develop other issues.

Just needed to vent a little bit because I’ve really been feeling worthless lately.

You're being super rough on yourself. All these so called "psychotic episodes" u've had, since they have been drug-induced that means you're not crazy or there Is something wrong with you, my friend
It just seems like you're hypersensitive to drugs and u wouldn't believe how not that uncommon it is to get these sort of "messianic messages or thoughts" from psychedelics. It seems like your selfesteem is pretty low at this point and that your family thinks of u as a "lost cause". Well you know what "fuck them". If you gonna wait to hear your familys approval in order to be happy, let me tell you that will be next to impossible rn. To begin with, you keep remarking all the negative things about you, that's not the way to go my friend.
Start by doing a list of all your attributes, virtues, positive things about you.
Next you need to start with order, set yourself a list of short term and mid term goals you want to achieve.
Then, this part is very important: you need to be disciplined and have consistency, if there aren't these things in your life. Building a new life for you Is gonna be a mess.
Let go the past bro, the only thing there is out there is PRESENT. You choose when to start your New life man, instead of feeling sorrow for yourself, get to work. Don't listen to anybody, it would be good that u get surrounded by positive people in your life aswell, if you could get psychological assistance and also go to AA/NA meetings would help you a lot.
Furthermore, find your passion in life. You must be good at something, we all are. Whether is some sport, music, etc. Find something else to fill that void drugs have left in your life bro.
You're the sole creator of your universe and you decide whether you wanna stay in there feeling sorry for yourself or do a 180○ turn in ur life.
Start with baby steps tho, lil by lil, you're still young my friend. I've seen ppl at rehab get back their lives at 35, 40, 50 years old( altho it's a bit hard at this point but not impossible), your still in your twenties so it's not like the train has passed for you.
Think about it man, you sound like a good guy that is just misunderstood and with some proper guidance can get your shit back together.
That's all I can say, I send u a big hug bro.
Stay safe,
Nico xx

 

[washingtonbound]

You're being super rough on yourself. All these so called "psychotic episodes" u've had, since they have been drug-induced that means you're not crazy or there Is something wrong with you, my friend
It just seems like you're hypersensitive to drugs and u wouldn't believe how not that uncommon it is to get these sort of "messianic messages or thoughts" from psychedelics. It seems like your selfesteem is pretty low at this point and that your family thinks of u as a "lost cause". Well you know what "fuck them". If you gonna wait to hear your familys approval in order to be happy, let me tell you that will be next to impossible rn. To begin with, you keep remarking all the negative things about you, that's not the way to go my friend.
Start by doing a list of all your attributes, virtues, positive things about you.
Next you need to start with order, set yourself a list of short term and mid term goals you want to achieve.
Then, this part is very important: you need to be disciplined and have consistency, if there aren't these things in your life. Building a new life for you Is gonna be a mess.
Let go the past bro, the only thing there is out there is PRESENT. You choose when to start your New life man, instead of feeling sorrow for yourself, get to work. Don't listen to anybody, it would be good that u get surrounded by positive people in your life aswell, if you could get psychological assistance and also go to AA/NA meetings would help you a lot.
Furthermore, find your passion in life. You must be good at something, we all are. Whether is some sport, music, etc. Find something else to fill that void drugs have left in your life bro.
You're the sole creator of your universe and you decide whether you wanna stay in there feeling sorry for yourself or do a 180○ turn in ur life.
Start with baby steps tho, lil by lil, you're still young my friend. I've seen ppl at rehab get back their lives at 35, 40, 50 years old( altho it's a bit hard at this point but not impossible), your still in your twenties so it's not like the train has passed for you.
Think about it man, you sound like a good guy that is just misunderstood and with some proper guidance can get your shit back together.
That's all I can say, I send u a big hug bro.
Stay safe,
Nico xx

Thanks a lot for your input. You make a good point about the importance of discipline and consistency, two areas I have been doing terribly in. Since I have been in the psych ward over 20 times, I start thinking that any effort I make is worthless and just sit around feeling sorry for myself as you mentioned. In the back of my mind I know I need to get off my ass and really put the work in but my own internal bullshit gets in the way. It’s a problem with mental conditioning where the negative self talk becomes habit and incapacitates me.

I know what I need to do but you’re correct in the sense that I get in my own way.

 

[SpiralusSancti]

Thanks a lot for your input. You make a good point about the importance of discipline and consistency, two areas I have been doing terribly in. Since I have been in the psych ward over 20 times, I start thinking that any effort I make is worthless and just sit around feeling sorry for myself as you mentioned. In the back of my mind I know I need to get off my ass and really put the work in but my own internal bullshit gets in the way. It’s a problem with mental conditioning where the negative self talk becomes habit and incapacitates me.

I know what I need to do but you’re correct in the sense that I get in my own way.

Since you are probably going to do drugs again strongly consider getting some antipsychotic to have for bad situation. Hell since even weed triggers you, even constant dosing might not be a bad idea for you. Some will hate me for recommending antipsychotic to you but just reading the title makes use of low dose of antipsychotic that works for you probably less bad than ruining stuff some more. Most people are able to get high from most drugs beside psychedelics with significant protection against psychosis. Not like you can push whatever as much as you want but a joint or a small line of K that might otherwise trigger you if you’re lucky wouldn’t. With that you would have other problem, being able to use drugs more without ending up in a la-la lock up and which is worse it’s hard to tell.

Also never having psychotic episode when sober doesn’t mean you don’t have any mental illness. I don’t say you do but for example a person can have PTSP and end up triggered and psychotic only when drunk or something, and that isn’t that rare at all.

 

[SpiralusSancti]

But first disregard my advices and ofc first do your best to not do drugs and to sort out yourself in all the ways you can. BUT if you do decide to take something than I think having APs and figuring out when to take them when you notice first signs of psychosis might save you and people around you a lot of problems. I know quite a few experienced users and abusers who keep something to abort psychosis just in case, even if they never needed them, someone around might and there’s a first time for everything.

 

[broncoseamonkey]

It's their system man

They institutionalize and try to make you sick so they can profit off it

Their healing is a load garbage the whole culture breeds the problems

Psychosis is a symptom of Koyaanisqatsi, life out of balance

Sometimes drugs rattle up the psyche and meditation can settle it so it can reveal a clear light on the situation but their system makes it so murky bro