Hey all
Been following this site for a LONG time for many reasons. Words fail me as my life has.
Short story, Im broken. Very broken. Had cancer, intestinal and brain. Beat both, yay, right? Broken my neck (fusion), and lower back mutiple herniated disks. Agony has been the norm, waking up screaming, so pain management doctors have been a norm. Recently had a heart attack and will need a bypass. Because, being 40, this is all normal!
I have been against drugs, for me. I like to be clear headed. I was also LE (worked for THAT agency....I can already hear the comments lol). At this point, I dont care, its not my agency, not my era. Back then, things were different. It was a job, with rules, both sides had them. Its how I made good friends that were batting for the other team lol.
Ive been getting treatment from the VA. Some of you know the horrors that comes with. Ive tried EVERY pill out there. I only found Oxycodon IR to work, while letting me have a clear mind. I did my PhD on that. Everything else, either didnt work, gave me a high where I was one with matrices, or the pain relief was nil.
Been on the same dosage for years, and I was ready to say enough, get off it. Im on Gabapentin too (max dosage, ie 3600. It works, though that took a while until the crazy dreams stopped). These two, allowed me for ten years to function. My back and neck are still bad, to where I cant stand long or do much consistently but, at least, I could live.
I tried something unique (or maybe not). I figured, let me try lifting weights. Its short duration effort, so there would be limited impact on my spine. Did a lot of research from physiotherapists, doctors, read McGill's book the Back Doctor (highly recommend), and came up with a PPL routine. The pump (the pain in the no pain, no gain) allowed me to cut back on meds. It was working, plus I was getting ripped.
All good, until I had the heart attack (heart defect, since birth, that nobody noticed). I lost my lifeline. I was now in pain, back to normal, screaming waking up, grinding my teeth (lost 4 or 5 mollars from grinding in my sleep, bit through two of those molded mouth guards etc).
I go through the routine, and get a good doctor, I thought. I had recent months where I was short. In 10 years, I was never short, but the heart attack messed it up. You would think that gives me SOME leeway. It did not.
I was passed off from VA to VA, like an unwanted pet, but I go to the city (wont say names or places beyond that), and I get an increase. Sure, its not what my plan was, but, you know, pain, will increase stress, which is the opposite of what I need prior to a bypass, with stents not healed up yet and all.
Im lost now, because, the new facility that gave me the increase, to not stress each refill, is more than enough for me, but, their oxycodone is HCL, not IR. Some claim its identical. It is not. I get so fogged up, as if its a bad pot high. Drool, cant think, but no giggles or fun times. Just that heavy fog over your mind. Gone was the light euphoria for 5min, and the pain relief that let me work out, walk, go outside, date, have a life.
So, either I stay on the old dosage, and live with panic attacks every month (that induced two cardiac events so far) or go with the new higher doage that robs me of agency, of a life. I can hardly talk on HCL (or whatever they claim it is, because, its the govt, knowing them, it could be terpentine as far as I know)
I dont have long to live, or alternatively, I could live long, but as a vegetable, in pain, waiting on the next organ to fail. I dont drink (again, being in control, I love racing, building cars, all things that have been taken from me over this HCL bs). So, I come here to learn and stay safe because Im going to ride the horse. I feel that is freedom. Im free from a month gestapo organization, free from being judged and harrassed for my physical appearance, being looked at as a junky. I did everything right, and for what?
Anyway, I wrote a novel. Dont care if Im recognized. Since the heart attack, I lost the will, and its not comming back, at least not like this. Im tired of some yoga pants wearing pharmacist degrading me in the hallway, tired of nurses countering doctors, tired of opening up to bureacrats that just dont care at all. At least with a plg, I can go whenever the hell I want and not be stressed.
Also, I will say, that reading posts here, you guys know your shit. I mean, the scientific level of breakdowns, makes VA doctors look like idiots. They dont even understand the blood brain barrier, or anything. So, you guys rock.
Been following this site for a LONG time for many reasons. Words fail me as my life has.
Short story, Im broken. Very broken. Had cancer, intestinal and brain. Beat both, yay, right? Broken my neck (fusion), and lower back mutiple herniated disks. Agony has been the norm, waking up screaming, so pain management doctors have been a norm. Recently had a heart attack and will need a bypass. Because, being 40, this is all normal!
I have been against drugs, for me. I like to be clear headed. I was also LE (worked for THAT agency....I can already hear the comments lol). At this point, I dont care, its not my agency, not my era. Back then, things were different. It was a job, with rules, both sides had them. Its how I made good friends that were batting for the other team lol.
Ive been getting treatment from the VA. Some of you know the horrors that comes with. Ive tried EVERY pill out there. I only found Oxycodon IR to work, while letting me have a clear mind. I did my PhD on that. Everything else, either didnt work, gave me a high where I was one with matrices, or the pain relief was nil.
Been on the same dosage for years, and I was ready to say enough, get off it. Im on Gabapentin too (max dosage, ie 3600. It works, though that took a while until the crazy dreams stopped). These two, allowed me for ten years to function. My back and neck are still bad, to where I cant stand long or do much consistently but, at least, I could live.
I tried something unique (or maybe not). I figured, let me try lifting weights. Its short duration effort, so there would be limited impact on my spine. Did a lot of research from physiotherapists, doctors, read McGill's book the Back Doctor (highly recommend), and came up with a PPL routine. The pump (the pain in the no pain, no gain) allowed me to cut back on meds. It was working, plus I was getting ripped.
All good, until I had the heart attack (heart defect, since birth, that nobody noticed). I lost my lifeline. I was now in pain, back to normal, screaming waking up, grinding my teeth (lost 4 or 5 mollars from grinding in my sleep, bit through two of those molded mouth guards etc).
I go through the routine, and get a good doctor, I thought. I had recent months where I was short. In 10 years, I was never short, but the heart attack messed it up. You would think that gives me SOME leeway. It did not.
I was passed off from VA to VA, like an unwanted pet, but I go to the city (wont say names or places beyond that), and I get an increase. Sure, its not what my plan was, but, you know, pain, will increase stress, which is the opposite of what I need prior to a bypass, with stents not healed up yet and all.
Im lost now, because, the new facility that gave me the increase, to not stress each refill, is more than enough for me, but, their oxycodone is HCL, not IR. Some claim its identical. It is not. I get so fogged up, as if its a bad pot high. Drool, cant think, but no giggles or fun times. Just that heavy fog over your mind. Gone was the light euphoria for 5min, and the pain relief that let me work out, walk, go outside, date, have a life.
So, either I stay on the old dosage, and live with panic attacks every month (that induced two cardiac events so far) or go with the new higher doage that robs me of agency, of a life. I can hardly talk on HCL (or whatever they claim it is, because, its the govt, knowing them, it could be terpentine as far as I know)
I dont have long to live, or alternatively, I could live long, but as a vegetable, in pain, waiting on the next organ to fail. I dont drink (again, being in control, I love racing, building cars, all things that have been taken from me over this HCL bs). So, I come here to learn and stay safe because Im going to ride the horse. I feel that is freedom. Im free from a month gestapo organization, free from being judged and harrassed for my physical appearance, being looked at as a junky. I did everything right, and for what?
Anyway, I wrote a novel. Dont care if Im recognized. Since the heart attack, I lost the will, and its not comming back, at least not like this. Im tired of some yoga pants wearing pharmacist degrading me in the hallway, tired of nurses countering doctors, tired of opening up to bureacrats that just dont care at all. At least with a plg, I can go whenever the hell I want and not be stressed.
Also, I will say, that reading posts here, you guys know your shit. I mean, the scientific level of breakdowns, makes VA doctors look like idiots. They dont even understand the blood brain barrier, or anything. So, you guys rock.
