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double standards?

L

littlenell

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 14, 2015
Messages
29
Im in need of objective views. Heres what happened: id been using amphetamine sulphate monthly for a year or so, and then binged non stop for 3 months. I was scared of the comedown, and hadnt told my husband i was using, but after 3 months i felt depressed, ill and ashamed... i knew i needed to comedown and i told my h6sband the truth.
He was extremely angry with me, and nearly finished the relationship based on the fact I had been devious.
My husband is a heroin addict. He was using secretly until after we got married, and is now on subutex but uses heroin once a week. He tells me hes high on most but not all occassions. He has been using heroin for 30 years, and has used abused most drugs in the past.
I feel hurt, shocked and outraged by how he reacted to my confession. Am I wrong?
Thanks for reading.
 
I understand what you're saying. You are accepting of his addiction and willing to help him through it, etc. but he did not do the same for you. It's brave to tell someone about your problem and try to work through it, that is something in itself.
I wish I knew what to do. Have you explained this to your husband?
 
Thank you llana. I did say 'i thought you of all people would be understanding' and he said he would never be as devious as id been :( he said amphetamine was awful for my health and i wouldnt be able to use it recreationally ever again, cos id crossed a line with it.
 
Understanding the addiction is one thing. Understanding doing it behind his back is another thing. I think he understands quite well what addiction is , he is a heroin addict. It was disrespectful for you to hide it from him ( and he is as well to you even after you got married ). He went a bit over the top considering he did the same but maybe you guys trust each other more now and you have moved or maybe he was hiding back then because he thought he would stop and didnt want to bother you and now things are different

If you want my opinion, why do u want to use amph anyway. Amph and heroin are shitty drugs and they destroy people when not enojyed responsibly. Why don't you do some mushrooms or ayahuasca and try to overcome your addictions and work on this together with your husband? Do you want to stay amph and heroin addicts for the rest of your life ?
 
Thanks l33t, I appreciate you being so clear, I acknowledge with gratitude that my devious actions wounded my husband, just as his secrecy hurt me in the past too. I unconsciously lapsed into a childish victim role. There are other problems in our marriage, apart from the glaringly obvious co dependency problem, and we both are screwed up psychologically especially in terms of trust issues. Ill leave that there, but thanks for reminding me of basic human decency and giving me some power back :)
 
Why are you guys even in a relationship. Going behind each others backs, lying abd what not how can you even believe anything each other says?

No offense i just know i couldbt do that. You shouldnt feel the need to hide anythibg from each other.
 
I have a similar situation, I'll make it short.

My now ex-girlfriend and I started doing pills together. She was on Subutex and didn't have money to pay for the dosing. She got sick, I offered to get her a pill (I haven't done pills in years) so she wasn't sick. I made a bad decision thinking it would be almost romantic to do them IV together. We continued to use for a minth, the money ran out, I got sick and she got sick. She's been on methadone before and she got enough money to go to the clinic. So now she's okay ahead I was suffering being ill, depressed, etc. Basically, when she got well she started talking down to me because I still used ahead few times to get well myself.

Now, she claims she is clean--meanwhile still on methadone. I called her out on it because she was nodding so bad and burning holes in blankets and her response was that she has been an addict for 15 years and she needs it while I only used shorter times before and it will be over soon and I don't need anything. Needless to say, we broke up over all of this but I believe it's a double standard on her part. She said I wouldn't qualify for methadone for my short-term use. Fine, I agree. But she is making it like she is okay with doing methadone and I do anything, then I'm just screwing up and don't care.

Sorry that was longer than shorter but the situation is a little similar, at least IMO.
 
littlenell said:
He was using secretly until after we got married
Click to expand...

You were both secretly using substances and hiding it from the other. It's the same thing.
Then you told him the truth. In a good relationship, you help one another. In a bad relationship, you get angry at each other and don't try to help.

Maybe it isn't quite that black and white but that's what I see.
 
littlenell said:
he said amphetamine was awful for my health and i wouldnt be able to use it recreationally ever again, cos id crossed a line with it.
Click to expand...

prob true until you are over it for a couple of years, you'll not be able to indulge regularly thats for sure
 
nygiants1313 said:
Why are you guys even in a relationship. Going behind each others backs, lying abd what not how can you even believe anything each other says?

No offense i just know i couldbt do that. You shouldnt feel the need to hide anythibg from each other.
Click to expand...

I've seen a few posts like this from you in this particular forum. While I can admire your idealism, I am just curious - have you ever been in a relationship? Or in love? Love is a complicated thing, and adult love takes many forms, not always ideal. It's very easy to say "lol just dump each other" but in reality people make mistakes and relationships are very rarely so cut and dry.

Not trying to come down on you! But as an ancient 35 year old lady, I've been around the block and life gets messy! :)

OP, when I talked to my fiancee about what made him the most angry about my heroin addiction, it was the fact that I hid it, not even the drugs. Of course he was worried for my safety, but I guess what insulted him the most is that I would actually be afraid to tell him. He didn't understand that it was because I didn't want to disappoint him.

Your husband may also be terrified that you will embark on a 30 year addiction of your own, so to speak, and I am sure he knows how hard it has been since he has struggled for so long. Often fear manifests as anger.

I hope you two can find a way to move forward. It sounds like you have been through a lot.
 
OP here,
I will reply in a fuller post with reference to each individual post....soon! I just wanted to say thanks for the considerate, empathetic, caring and straightforward responses Ive received. Ive read them all and each has provided me with a fresh angle from which to consider my situation. I am very grateful :)
 
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