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Does anybody else feel weirdly bad with this?

plumbus-nine

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2021
Messages
3,653
Well, I admit having looked for porn pictures. Then I stumbled upon a pay site (I never paid for this sort of stuff) which does deflorations in front of the camera. Basically loads of tiny 18 year olds who get raped voluntarily. I can't imagine why they do this, the money won't be much but in this age maybe less money feels like more.

Somehow I feel, for me personally, they crossed a line which one shouldn't cross. This can destroy the sexual life of these girls pretty long term.
 
I wrote out a bit about how sex work like being an escort or camgirl isn't rape if the worker is doing it of their own free will + able to choose their clients, and then I realized that you were talking specifically about deflorations. And I don't know how to feel about that. It seems like a lot of these girls who are that young are probably being coerced/pressured or even legitimately forced into it and raped. And that is disgusting. So yeah, it makes me sad too.

I have a close friend who was heavily pressured into doing some dark things for a relatively tiny amount of money with a much older man when she was underage. A lot of young girls (~14-19) get pressured or even forced into sex work, and it is disgusting and disturbing.
 
Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. It makes me sad as fuck, I know personally one women who was forced to do sexwork and ten years later she still owes the Rumanian mafia tens of thousends.. she was at least 18 but not free will. I saw in Zuerich in the red light zone girls who are barely 18.. but I imagine when really the first sex is rape, uh I guess this can seriously fuck your life. This site has so many young girls, Idk. Another girl I knew, actually kind of a relationship, then she wanted to make money with pr0n and contacted a site which offered money.. this guy must be a psychopath, he sat already for 3 years for fraud and now he promises verbally six digit sums but the contract makes her a slave of him. Company registered in New Zealand while he operates in Switzerland, so you can't go court without involving a plane. The contract makes her owe the production cost of 2000$. Only money when she continues to make videos. No money for sure. Oh, and the videos were shit at least the previews I saw. But I lost this girl to him somehow. She was 34 but looked like 20.. took heroin her whole adult life and alcohol in excess and said that she had the first time sex without drugs with this man. Ugh.
 
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Well, I admit having looked for porn pictures. Then I stumbled upon a pay site (I never paid for this sort of stuff) which does deflorations in front of the camera. Basically loads of tiny 18 year olds who get raped voluntarily. I can't imagine why they do this, the money won't be much but in this age maybe less money feels like more.

Somehow I feel, for me personally, they crossed a line which one shouldn't cross. This can destroy the sexual life of these girls pretty long term.
Its a huge niche market and those chicks get paid A LOT. If it's not for you, it's not for you.
 
Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. It makes me sad as fuck, I know personally one women who was forced to do sexwork and ten years later she still owes the Rumanian mafia tens of thousends.. she was at least 18 but not free will. I saw in Zuerich in the red light zone girls who are barely 18.. but I imagine when really the first sex is rape, uh I guess this can seriously fuck your life. This site has so many young girls, Idk. Another girl I knew, actually kind of a relationship, then she wanted to make money with pr0n and contacted a site which offered money.. this guy must be a psychopath, he sat already for 3 years for fraud and now he promises verbally six digit sums but the contract makes her a slave of him. Company registered in New Zealand while he operates in Switzerland, so you can't go court without involving a plane. The contract makes her owe the production cost of 2000$. Only money when she continues to make videos. No money for sure. Oh, and the videos were shit at least the previews I saw. But I lost this girl to him somehow. She was 34 but looked like 20.. took heroin her whole adult life and alcohol in excess and said that she had the first time sex without drugs with this man. Ugh.
What a total Mindfuck bro.
 
Its a huge niche market and those chicks get paid A LOT. If it's not for you, it's not for you.
How much is a lot - are we talking about hundreds, thousands or more? Afaik does an usual porn give you something between $300 and $1000 or more for stars but the normal individuals don't get paid much upfront. Guess you need to give the rights on the video to the company, otherwise there'd be royalties but a movie also had to become a real success for relevant money. I guess some people will go (to a regular shoot) out of curiosity but somehow I guess this will be a minority and most either desperately in need for cash, hoping for a big success/believing lies from whoever, or being forced, or exposed by exfriends or other people. Recently (compared to e.g. 2000) there's a LOT of pics which might be underage girls or clearly shot in a private situation and probably not meant for publiction.

What a total Mindfuck bro.
Indeed. I know there's even snuff, either fake or real torture and/or death and some people jack off on this, ugh. Never seen one and really really don't want to. I hope most is fake. Knowing sth is said to exist is different from actually seeing or experiencing it. Like fake virgins, as long as it's role play it's a different beast but real exploitation of more or less kids is heavy, like forcing people into prostitution, I know this also happens a LOT and a lot more than people want to or can believe, specially in the relative security of first world countries, where the (globally seen) more rich people have their own weird worries. Like what cloth suits best for the day or if the next flight to Egypt will have turbulences. I've seen this sort of people also a LOT more then it should be (I grew up in Switzerland where there's some security against job termination, for people who lose their job or have health issues. everybody is insured against sickness etc.) But it must be exactly this people paying for and consuming such mateiral, right?

I guess it depends if it’s consentual, Andy if they are actually making money.
According to capitalism, yeah. I personally find it not ethic nor tenable to use (and I'd say it's always using, even if you get paid for but the money can compensate for some of that I guess) people who can't yet see the aftermath of what they're doing or even force, Some porns ase clearly not consensual and this material ends up online. I thought it was rare that somebody who actually knows the person will also watch the porn by this diversity of sites we have but indeed the girl about who I wrote above was indeed recognized by somebody living in the same town..

Are the guys gentle?
There's no preview videos, just pictures. The guys also do french kisses at least, if this is nun better or worse, Idk but yeah it's less bed/damaging if they are gentle. Still, I as somebody with PTSD from mobbing, I think it must be overwhelming to have such intimacy and first sex ever with a foreigner, probably other people in the room and so on. I mean even for me it was overwhelming in some way and of course all consensual. Having sex with a new partner can be nice as fuck (lol) and make one hypomanic, but then is also the possibility for the opposite if there's violence.

I don't know about porn but probably is here the bigger problem that people leak private pics while in prostitution it is force. I read a bit about this, somehow I always need to investigate dark stuff as well even if it makes me sad for a while.. I can't imagine that the fact that sb was virgin (comes next to pedophilia somehow turns one on but I know almost everything which is possible will also exist. Maybe it's this curiosity about dark stuff which I feel that makes some pople hot..? Omg. Granted, I like young girls but I'm at least looking pretty young, and what I see are just nudes, no heavy things when not accidentally stumbling over something. They say that many people start with relatively harmless pics and with time they need more and more heavy stuff.

Indeed. Knowing something exists is different from actually seeing it. They had LOTS of girls, probably hundreds.

There's also a local site with a bus who seemingly picks random people up and have them having sex in front of the cam. I guess it's not really random people but also a LOT of people do this, and it was about rich Switzerland. They won't/can't pay much I guess, maybe the $300.
 
its really can desensitize young men, one boy i knew what grossed out at a woman breast feeding, baby under blanket mostly, but he was into rape/snuff dolcette, he lectured me on how breasts are for sex not food, but he had idealization of cannibalization of human flesh, i played in secondlife, there are rape sims and i went and it seemed a training ground, the things i could get people to confess, in oregon a long time ago we went to a shoddy porn shop and i rented a serial killer horror,and my luvah got gay male porn, cops called her later, the videos were plants, to perhaps catch a killer, there are sex dolls you can buy on SL dolls, i was curious and went to the site, i was shocked at all the little baby girl sex dolls, i have a hard time going to see porn, all so violent but as numb nuts said.......if its not for you , its not for you, if violence against women(and men) is for you then so be it, but stay the fuck in your basement and away from the innocent
 
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its really can desensitize young men, one boy i knew what grossed out at a woman breast feeding, baby under blanket mostly, but he was into rape/snuff dolcette, he lectured me on how breasts are for sex not food, but he had idealization of cannibalization of human flash, i played in secondlife, there are rape sims and i went and it seemed a training ground, the things i could get people to confess, in oregon a long time ago we went to a shoddy porn shop and i rented a serial killer horror,and my luvah got gay male porn, cops called her later, the videos were plants, to perhaps catch a killer, there are sex dolls you can buy on SL dolls, i was curious and went to the site, i was shocked at all the little baby girl sex dolls, i have a hard time going to see porn, all so violent but as numb nuts said.......if its not for you , its not for you, if violence against women(and men) is for you then so be it, but stay the fuck in your basement and away from the innocent
Some people are into some pretty dark shit, and I have to wonder how much it reflects their real desires at some point.

Also, SecondLife is fucking weird.
 
Some people are into some pretty dark shit, and I have to wonder how much it reflects their real desires at some point.

Also, SecondLife is fucking weird.
ikr? i cant blame curiosity, when the net first got going in the first years i search the worst of the web to see just what was out there, 20 yrs later i get leary to see anymore and im way open minded, but some things you just can unsee
 
I'm going to post from my own personal experience of sex work as someone who was forced into it due to my drug habit, and as a person who now willingly engages out of my own choice.

In 2016 when I was 21 my sex work career started after a night begging outside a fast food restaurant. An older man came an offered to pay for a meal for me and I gratefully accepted. He told me he didn't like giving money to homeless people as it was often spent on drugs. I admitted that I did often use drugs, but stated I was truly very hungry. After the meal, I remembered I needed to fill a prescription for testosterone for my Hormone Replacement Therapy and on the off chance he was feeling generous, I asked him if he could spare some cash for that. He said yes - but I'd have to do something for him first.

To be honest once he explained it I did feel sick, but if I miss a hormone injection my body rapidly decides to cause all sorts of gender dysphoria for me and that was simply not an option. So I followed him off to his car and he also gave me a place to stay the night out of the rain.

I'll skip the details of that person, it's rather irrelevant to give a blow by blow of every encounter I had. I will simply highlight two.

Once my addiction took over my life (IV meth and heroin) I was not, on an income of $550 a fortnight (half of which went to rent) able to afford the drugs I needed. So I quickly resigned myself to sex work an advertising on Craigslist as a 'fresh twink female to male tranny' to increase my chances of clients.

There is one single occasion that sticks out in my mind as what exemplifies why I took a 5 year break from sex work and all sex work related things. I routinely had older (45-60) year old men who booked me. On this particular occassion, a 55 year old cis man had booked me for an hour. Oftentimes I wasn't in much of a position to get myself a good deal on payment due to being in a rush for cash to score, so I took whatever job came up. This particular man wanted me to wear a dress, which I declined to as I didn't own one. He accepted that, but then said if I wanted to get paid I had to call myself his 'dirty little girl' and call him 'daddy' while referring to my body using female anatomy words (which I don't use due to dysphoria). He eventually finished up, leaving a bit of a mess for me to clean and didn't even let me shower. I was barely dressed when he pushed me out his front door and shoved $100 in my face and told me to walk 8km home in the rain.

When I got home I met my heroin dealer straight away and got the drugs, then cried while I shot up because I was so ashamed about what I was doing to get the drugs but I couldn't stop because I was physically addicted.

Additionally, my trauma background specifically centres on that particular type of abuse by that aged man, gendering me as female. So every time it happened, I felt like I was experiencing my early childhood trauma over and over again. It was truly excruciating and just horrific.

I stopped at the end of 2017 when I got sober and put it on an indefinite pause. In early 2020 I started up again but joined an escort website instead of using dodgy internet sites, and I am extremely picky about my clientele these days. Recent clients have included a 50 year old man who paid me $500 to eat dinner and go for a walk with him, a younger guy who pays me $300 for two hours to come over after work and lie around talking about his job, a 50 year old man who I just stand naked in front of for 15 minutes after he takes me out for coffee and a chat, and a 24 year old submissive guy who is oddly really into nipple play. They're all polite, respectful of my boundaries, pay beforehand, and know how to behave. Anyone pushy I decline. Anyone who misgenders me I decline. Anyone who fetishises me openly I decline. Anyone who demands I do anything I decline. Pretty soon clients realise that I hold all the power in the relationship - this is a mere side gig for me, it's not my main source of income so I don't care much if I don't have any clients for a week or so. They can't threaten to not see me as I don't give a shit. Plus, I have something they want. I'm transgender and it's a fetish. They can't book another me, I'm the only trans man who is on the escort website in my entire state. It's me, or a cis guy.

I make it clear that if they want to discuss my transition they can book a seperate session. That is to be kept separate from any sexual activities.

Truthfully I can make $1000-$2000 a week these days if I have a busy one, and it's great money for little effort.

But it absolutely *has* to be consented and willing. Coercive sex work is unbelievably detrimental to people's mental health, and I highly suspect this sort of thing is exactly that.
 
I'm going to post from my own personal experience of sex work as someone who was forced into it due to my drug habit, and as a person who now willingly engages out of my own choice.

In 2016 when I was 21 my sex work career started after a night begging outside a fast food restaurant. An older man came an offered to pay for a meal for me and I gratefully accepted. He told me he didn't like giving money to homeless people as it was often spent on drugs. I admitted that I did often use drugs, but stated I was truly very hungry. After the meal, I remembered I needed to fill a prescription for testosterone for my Hormone Replacement Therapy and on the off chance he was feeling generous, I asked him if he could spare some cash for that. He said yes - but I'd have to do something for him first.

To be honest once he explained it I did feel sick, but if I miss a hormone injection my body rapidly decides to cause all sorts of gender dysphoria for me and that was simply not an option. So I followed him off to his car and he also gave me a place to stay the night out of the rain.

I'll skip the details of that person, it's rather irrelevant to give a blow by blow of every encounter I had. I will simply highlight two.

Once my addiction took over my life (IV meth and heroin) I was not, on an income of $550 a fortnight (half of which went to rent) able to afford the drugs I needed. So I quickly resigned myself to sex work an advertising on Craigslist as a 'fresh twink female to male tranny' to increase my chances of clients.

There is one single occasion that sticks out in my mind as what exemplifies why I took a 5 year break from sex work and all sex work related things. I routinely had older (45-60) year old men who booked me. On this particular occassion, a 55 year old cis man had booked me for an hour. Oftentimes I wasn't in much of a position to get myself a good deal on payment due to being in a rush for cash to score, so I took whatever job came up. This particular man wanted me to wear a dress, which I declined to as I didn't own one. He accepted that, but then said if I wanted to get paid I had to call myself his 'dirty little girl' and call him 'daddy' while referring to my body using female anatomy words (which I don't use due to dysphoria). He eventually finished up, leaving a bit of a mess for me to clean and didn't even let me shower. I was barely dressed when he pushed me out his front door and shoved $100 in my face and told me to walk 8km home in the rain.

When I got home I met my heroin dealer straight away and got the drugs, then cried while I shot up because I was so ashamed about what I was doing to get the drugs but I couldn't stop because I was physically addicted.

Additionally, my trauma background specifically centres on that particular type of abuse by that aged man, gendering me as female. So every time it happened, I felt like I was experiencing my early childhood trauma over and over again. It was truly excruciating and just horrific.

I stopped at the end of 2017 when I got sober and put it on an indefinite pause. In early 2020 I started up again but joined an escort website instead of using dodgy internet sites, and I am extremely picky about my clientele these days. Recent clients have included a 50 year old man who paid me $500 to eat dinner and go for a walk with him, a younger guy who pays me $300 for two hours to come over after work and lie around talking about his job, a 50 year old man who I just stand naked in front of for 15 minutes after he takes me out for coffee and a chat, and a 24 year old submissive guy who is oddly really into nipple play. They're all polite, respectful of my boundaries, pay beforehand, and know how to behave. Anyone pushy I decline. Anyone who misgenders me I decline. Anyone who fetishises me openly I decline. Anyone who demands I do anything I decline. Pretty soon clients realise that I hold all the power in the relationship - this is a mere side gig for me, it's not my main source of income so I don't care much if I don't have any clients for a week or so. They can't threaten to not see me as I don't give a shit. Plus, I have something they want. I'm transgender and it's a fetish. They can't book another me, I'm the only trans man who is on the escort website in my entire state. It's me, or a cis guy.

I make it clear that if they want to discuss my transition they can book a seperate session. That is to be kept separate from any sexual activities.

Truthfully I can make $1000-$2000 a week these days if I have a busy one, and it's great money for little effort.

But it absolutely *has* to be consented and willing. Coercive sex work is unbelievably detrimental to people's mental health, and I highly suspect this sort of thing is exactly that.
It made me feel sad reading about your experiences with that man making you relive your childhood trauma. I myself go for men who are quite a bit older than me (40s/50s and I’m 30) and I feel like I know where you’re coming from. I know I’m attracted to these guys because I’m ‘chasing after my childhood rapist’ so to speak. I don’t seek to be abused, and when the going is good it’s great so I don’t mind really.

When someone who’s older like this comes by and treats me like shit, doesn’t do a thing to get me off and instead uses me as some hot young thing to fulfill his fantasy? That hurts. I’ve had way too many experiences ranging from that, to flat out rape.

Something about being victimized in the past brings us up to be degraded again. And again. I wish I knew how to see through this better. I often can. But not nearly often enough. I’m in my 30s and Im still getting taken advantage of by the same kind of creep as I was under the age of 10.
 
It made me feel sad reading about your experiences with that man making you relive your childhood trauma. I myself go for men who are quite a bit older than me (40s/50s and I’m 30) and I feel like I know where you’re coming from. I know I’m attracted to these guys because I’m ‘chasing after my childhood rapist’ so to speak. I don’t seek to be abused, and when the going is good it’s great so I don’t mind really.

When someone who’s older like this comes by and treats me like shit, doesn’t do a thing to get me off and instead uses me as some hot young thing to fulfill his fantasy? That hurts. I’ve had way too many experiences ranging from that, to flat out rape.

Something about being victimized in the past brings us up to be degraded again. And again. I wish I knew how to see through this better. I often can. But not nearly often enough. I’m in my 30s and Im still getting taken advantage of by the same kind of creep as I was under the age of 10.
I wouldn't say my experiences were deliberately trying to relive trauma at all, it was largely unintentional. But I have a depressing habit of attracting older men who try and act as father figures or 'helpers' in my life who then turn around and tell me I need to fuck them, and that they view me as a girl. The worst of these was an older guy who played at my lacrosse club and who got into the habit of taking me for long drives so I could get away from my dad, and let me stay at his place high and coming down off drugs. I made it crystal clear that this was a friendship only thing and he seemed okay with that, then one night he told me that he had developed feelings for me. I told him I didn't care - he said he was straight so he's got some things to work through. He then said 'well I knew you before you transitioned so' and I was like 'do not fucking finish that sentence' and walked out the door. That happened numerous times, enough that even to this day I'm immediately suspicious of any older man who wants to help me with my drug issues.

The sex work stuff? I just knew I'd get more money and more clients exploiting the fact that I'm trans. It's a massive kink for some people. I prefer not to think about it, but basically they get to fuck a dude who isn't a dude (in their mind) simultaneously. So it doesn't make them gay, to them. I mean I think they're gay as hell, I look masculine. But they justify it how they will.

Unfortunately it just so happens that my sexual abuse as a child was being sexualised as female with comments and behaviour, which was a massive double whammy in the department of 'ouch this hurts my gender dysphoria' and 'ouch this feels really wrong and gross' so poor teenage me was just fucking suffering.

Then in 2016-2017 I basically found the exact men who would do it all to me again, but this time for money and it sucked exactly the same. Gender dysphoria is fucked, I barely have any these days because I'm super happy with my transition and my progress, but having 50-60 year old men call me a 'shemale tranny slut' and a 'little girl' was honestly a bit much for me to handle.

It's like... Even on Grindr (a gay dating app) I get men who have 'straight' written in their profile message me asking if I want to fuck them and I immediately say no. Why? If they identify as straight and want to fuck me, they are most certainly not viewing me as male. So I tell them that. And they often get really mad. Some variation of 'how am I supposed to explore my sexuality if you won't fuck me' look idk man not really my problem but I'm not super into having my gender invalidated just so you can cling to your sexuality. If you have sex with me, you are gay as all hell. Fact.

So yeah once I got off drugs I stopped doing that shit because it was phenomenonally bad for my mental health. I don't go for older guys (like yourself) I actually restrict my age limits unless they pay me because I don't want to even entertain the notion of an age difference being something I'm into. I understand it happening, but it simply isn't for me. I'm 27 and the oldest I'll go us 35 and the youngest is probably 23.

Recreating trauma is fuuuuuucked.
 
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