An ecstasy user of a few years, early this year I've discovered LSD, and sometime later ketamine. Particularly with k, I've started experimenting a lot - never taking it on a daily basis, but doing a lot of it recreationally on weekends. Essentially, I thought I had found the perfect drug - no comedown or hangover, an interesting, trippy high, and not lasting as long as LSD. Here's the thing, though: up from a certain dose, I stopped remembering what the hell I was tripping about, while others, including my girlfriend, told me I did not in those times look or act like I was having a good time. I brushed that aside, however, reasoning that ketamine wasn't exactly known to turn you into a sociable, pleasant person.
But over time, my trips became weirder and weirder, often veering into territories that weren't particularly comfortable to think about. Many of them began to have something to do with seeing humanity's activities and its history as if "from the outside", which went hand in hand with seeing them as vain, pointless, doom-driven. The initially friendly nature of ket took on a sinister glow.
The last time that I took ketamine was the weekend before last - I did a lot of it (maybe 2 - 3 grams over a night and a day, maybe more), mixed with (on the Saturday night) some ecstasy. I went into a hole a couple of times, but was fine and good to go to bed by Sunday night. I got up on Monday and went to work, and even managed to quit smoking (I am a chainsmoker, so that's a big deal).
However, two days ago, on the last weekend, I had a frightening attack of something I'd describe as disassociation that lasted for hours at least. I had strange, "trippy" thoughts flash in my mind - thoughts that made absolutely no sense if I tried to put them into words, just like my ketamine trips up from a certain point never made any verbalizable sense. This made me panic, and I went for a walk for a couple of hours. That and a few episodes of South Park calmed me down. Today, however, I noticed that I'm seeing colors as brighter and cleaner than usual - much like I do on ketamine. This, in turn, is making me panic. These things are, of course, very slight, but they are there, and they are accompanied by more severe albeit not hallucinatory or trippy symptoms. For instance, I have been feeling extremely depressed lately, in a way that's different from what I'm used to. I see no point in making music - my greatest passion in life - and am even left to wonder why I previously liked to do it. While I still have enough energy to go to work and all, I seem to develop zero interest in anything. Even the idea of sex leaves me cold. It's a bit like I'm not myself anymore - this is not like me at all. I'm usually social, excitable and passionate about a lot of things. I'm finding it hard to associate with this my former and far more interesting self, though.
The depression and the slightly disassociated state that I've described are making me very anxious and I fear that they are persistent, and that ketamine, in combination with other drugs, have destroyed my mental balance irreversibly. I understand that all cases are different and nobody on here will be able to diagnose me, but if anyone has made similar experiences, I'd be grateful to hear about them and about whether they went away. I've had full-on psychoses before (cf. one of my previous threads on here), but they always went away very quickly. I fear that I might have HPPD or even a far worse condition.
EDIT: To the mods - I'm seeing that the Dark Side is full of threads on far more grave topics. If my thread doesn't fit in here, please move as you see fit. I was not sure to begin with.
But over time, my trips became weirder and weirder, often veering into territories that weren't particularly comfortable to think about. Many of them began to have something to do with seeing humanity's activities and its history as if "from the outside", which went hand in hand with seeing them as vain, pointless, doom-driven. The initially friendly nature of ket took on a sinister glow.
The last time that I took ketamine was the weekend before last - I did a lot of it (maybe 2 - 3 grams over a night and a day, maybe more), mixed with (on the Saturday night) some ecstasy. I went into a hole a couple of times, but was fine and good to go to bed by Sunday night. I got up on Monday and went to work, and even managed to quit smoking (I am a chainsmoker, so that's a big deal).
However, two days ago, on the last weekend, I had a frightening attack of something I'd describe as disassociation that lasted for hours at least. I had strange, "trippy" thoughts flash in my mind - thoughts that made absolutely no sense if I tried to put them into words, just like my ketamine trips up from a certain point never made any verbalizable sense. This made me panic, and I went for a walk for a couple of hours. That and a few episodes of South Park calmed me down. Today, however, I noticed that I'm seeing colors as brighter and cleaner than usual - much like I do on ketamine. This, in turn, is making me panic. These things are, of course, very slight, but they are there, and they are accompanied by more severe albeit not hallucinatory or trippy symptoms. For instance, I have been feeling extremely depressed lately, in a way that's different from what I'm used to. I see no point in making music - my greatest passion in life - and am even left to wonder why I previously liked to do it. While I still have enough energy to go to work and all, I seem to develop zero interest in anything. Even the idea of sex leaves me cold. It's a bit like I'm not myself anymore - this is not like me at all. I'm usually social, excitable and passionate about a lot of things. I'm finding it hard to associate with this my former and far more interesting self, though.
The depression and the slightly disassociated state that I've described are making me very anxious and I fear that they are persistent, and that ketamine, in combination with other drugs, have destroyed my mental balance irreversibly. I understand that all cases are different and nobody on here will be able to diagnose me, but if anyone has made similar experiences, I'd be grateful to hear about them and about whether they went away. I've had full-on psychoses before (cf. one of my previous threads on here), but they always went away very quickly. I fear that I might have HPPD or even a far worse condition.
EDIT: To the mods - I'm seeing that the Dark Side is full of threads on far more grave topics. If my thread doesn't fit in here, please move as you see fit. I was not sure to begin with.
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