It's okay, I'm out there and positive ... but I'll have to face the fucking legal consequences probably, not because of this particular accident but I've been caught with some previously legal but now banned RCs like MXE. Thanks for asking!
It's really nice for me to get responses, I'm such a hyper emotional person - this is why I've done drugs at first hand, to numb these damn feelings.. - I'll write you later maybe!
I can't put my finger on it, but I really think the dissociatives have changed my personality towards the positive. It was a hard learning, I've repeatedly thought or felt to be dying or to be already dead and caught in a never-ending loop where I am the only consciousness and everything around me was just imagined - this seems to be something quite a few people experience on 'bad trips' from dissociatives, but also from psychedelics. Think it has to do with neuronal network disruption and there's actually some loop running in the brain, and one feels that... crazy shit, but I know it's just drug induced. The real world things, e.g. war on drugs, society, criminalism, social isolation, aggression, do suck much more. And these things don't wean off when the substance metabolizes out :/
There appears to be a subgroup of suffering individuals, therapy-resistant depressed ones, but in particular probably those with borderline personality disorder / PTSD - split off feelings, memories and so on. Fatigued but restless. Tired but wired. Emotional hell. My theory is that for these the dissociatives offer an outstandingly unique therapeutic potential that has been overlooked because it doesn't apply to everyone.
I'm currently on sodium valproate of which I'm positively surprised (and mirtazapine 30mg/d at bedtime, I used to think that this substance doesn't do anything besides just locking one into bed, but maybe the dopamine disinhibition works now too, no clue. I'm happy to have it because even with this dose I only sleep some 6-7 hours per night currently). Just upped from 600mg/d to 900mg/d today. It's anxiolytic, disinhibiting, calming, but not limiting at all - really not comparable to these hellish neuroleptics. Think with some methylphenidate (I have adult inattentive ADD) on top of it, life could be flowing nice again