tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Preface, this is a bit of a ramble and there is a tl;dr at the end ...but bare with me, Im setting the stage lol
So I have a over a year of alcohol free time. My life should be going great right ... right?!
In many ways it has vastly improved. Yet in others I am still stuck or its complicated and its effecting my mental health and my ability to address whats necessary to move forward.
I feel like I would benefit from a trip but Im apprehensive.
Why? Well, Ive had a number of trips over the years that got weird Arguably its my hardheadness that results in me pushing the envelope and taking too much or from taking things in combination... and quite honestly its led to me questioning my sanity
I understand, during the trip things get weird but there have been instances, sometimes for months afterwards where its kinda like a HPPD?/flashback/some ptsd thing where everyday sober life gets weird, it takes on this dark sinister vibe. Almost like the opposite of rose coloured glasses, my visioin is literally darker than normal (while tripping it seems sinister and evil) and my mindset is negative. Sometimes weed is involved and that makes a bit more sense but ya... let me try to explain and see if anyone can relate
I want to say the first instance was from combining 2ct7 and lsd at this dope bowling alley/play room rave. My relationship was on the fritz but we had a kid and were pushing through it ... so my MH wasnt the best, anyways.
Go outside for a smoke and wanted my jacket as it was the middle of winter... well Im decked out in some construction worker get up (lol it was my take on the beastie boys intergalactic kinda thing... I thought it was funny, shush lol) and cant find the coat check ticket.
Im laughing with the people at the coat check when my internal monologue gets all loud and now Im off in my own kinda world and like a laugh track starts playing and everything starts to get all dark... sort of like my shadow is creeping in, or a bad trip is about to begin. My mouth gets all dry and Im kinda panicking as Im unzipping and fumbling through my pockets ... but I found my stub and went for a smoke and things kinda mellowed out..... until later (when this gay guy hit on me and my gf lost it lol) but thats an entirely different story for another thread... or maybe just a comment thread, you decide lol)
That was years ago and I cant recall if it started seeping into everyday life after that trip but I do recall after a trip with mushrooms/2ce/lsd and booze at a festival where I nearly died. I was high as giraffe pussy and feeling kinda lethargic so I thought Id lay down in the woods just off the mainstage, to avoid getting stepped on lol... well it was dark and I went too far in and fell down like 15/20 ft, hit my head lost my glasses and stumbled into the river. I came too choking on water and my head cleared enough to swim back to shore.
The trip itself didnt result in these dark coloured glasses, if you will but that was the first time I recall it coming into everyday life. My relationship was even worse than above and I was drinking lots.
It was almost like a panic attack where my vision would get dark and start closing in. Id have intrusive negative thoughts as my mind swirled.
I stopped smoking weed and tripping for a while after that festival NDE... and I only experienced these dark glasses a few more times before I sort of ,,dealt" with what happened. My relationship finally dissolved and I thought Id get back on track but life... mom died and I started drinking again. But I digress
I had a number of trips, some normal some weird from taking too much/ in combo but it never really came to such a place as above. Nor did it seep into everyday life
Another combo with 2ct7/lsd/weed resulted in mass confusion and this sinister world view took over while my internal monologue seemed ot come from outside of myself but it didnt persist afterwards.
Most recently at family thanksgiving 3 years ago, trying to break out of a recent bout of excessive drinking I decided to trip. It was the side of the family that knew about me getting high and Id done it before. But I hit a hot spot and what was supposed to be 200ug of ETHLAD felt greater than my experience with 300ug....
in my head I could hear them calling the ambulance, I was taken to a psychward, my hair grew long (it was already long, wtf?) and I had a swastika tattoo on my forhead, I looked like Charlie Manson... I was now insane.... a family member drove me home as I was in no state to interact with the others but was trying to anyways, once I came off the peak... It was embarassing
Well a few weeks later I ate some edibles and suddenly everything starts getting dark, my thoughts swirl into negativity and Im panicking. My breathing starts to get shallow. I had to lay down and regroup with some mindfulness.
I havent really tripped since, save for a few lighter experiences and some dissos. Ive experienced it a few times sober since then but I cna always pull myself out, when sober with some mindfulness.
A recent mushroom trip this fall got dark as I was thinking about life and how Im fucking up. But mushrooms have always been dark and could turn on me.. but talking with my trip buddy helped me get over it and all has been fine since.
IDK... Im rambling at this point.
tl;dr
Just wondering if anyone has any insight or experiences where difficult trips turn bad/literally dark and or if they have experienced that during more sober times?
To me its almost like my emotions are being overlayed/projected as my shadow seemingly takes over and not only my mindset turns negative but also my literal outlook.
IDK if this is indicative of some underlying mental health issues, asides from the anxiety/depression (thats undiagnosed)... but I have been apprehensive to trip lately, though I feel it could be seriously beneficial, as it has been in the past
PS sorry if I posted similar before, I tried to utfse (as the kids say) but couldnt figure out how to only search my posts, it listed all my comments as well.
So I have a over a year of alcohol free time. My life should be going great right ... right?!
In many ways it has vastly improved. Yet in others I am still stuck or its complicated and its effecting my mental health and my ability to address whats necessary to move forward.
I feel like I would benefit from a trip but Im apprehensive.
Why? Well, Ive had a number of trips over the years that got weird Arguably its my hardheadness that results in me pushing the envelope and taking too much or from taking things in combination... and quite honestly its led to me questioning my sanity
I understand, during the trip things get weird but there have been instances, sometimes for months afterwards where its kinda like a HPPD?/flashback/some ptsd thing where everyday sober life gets weird, it takes on this dark sinister vibe. Almost like the opposite of rose coloured glasses, my visioin is literally darker than normal (while tripping it seems sinister and evil) and my mindset is negative. Sometimes weed is involved and that makes a bit more sense but ya... let me try to explain and see if anyone can relate
I want to say the first instance was from combining 2ct7 and lsd at this dope bowling alley/play room rave. My relationship was on the fritz but we had a kid and were pushing through it ... so my MH wasnt the best, anyways.
Go outside for a smoke and wanted my jacket as it was the middle of winter... well Im decked out in some construction worker get up (lol it was my take on the beastie boys intergalactic kinda thing... I thought it was funny, shush lol) and cant find the coat check ticket.
Im laughing with the people at the coat check when my internal monologue gets all loud and now Im off in my own kinda world and like a laugh track starts playing and everything starts to get all dark... sort of like my shadow is creeping in, or a bad trip is about to begin. My mouth gets all dry and Im kinda panicking as Im unzipping and fumbling through my pockets ... but I found my stub and went for a smoke and things kinda mellowed out..... until later (when this gay guy hit on me and my gf lost it lol) but thats an entirely different story for another thread... or maybe just a comment thread, you decide lol)
That was years ago and I cant recall if it started seeping into everyday life after that trip but I do recall after a trip with mushrooms/2ce/lsd and booze at a festival where I nearly died. I was high as giraffe pussy and feeling kinda lethargic so I thought Id lay down in the woods just off the mainstage, to avoid getting stepped on lol... well it was dark and I went too far in and fell down like 15/20 ft, hit my head lost my glasses and stumbled into the river. I came too choking on water and my head cleared enough to swim back to shore.
The trip itself didnt result in these dark coloured glasses, if you will but that was the first time I recall it coming into everyday life. My relationship was even worse than above and I was drinking lots.
It was almost like a panic attack where my vision would get dark and start closing in. Id have intrusive negative thoughts as my mind swirled.
I stopped smoking weed and tripping for a while after that festival NDE... and I only experienced these dark glasses a few more times before I sort of ,,dealt" with what happened. My relationship finally dissolved and I thought Id get back on track but life... mom died and I started drinking again. But I digress
I had a number of trips, some normal some weird from taking too much/ in combo but it never really came to such a place as above. Nor did it seep into everyday life
Another combo with 2ct7/lsd/weed resulted in mass confusion and this sinister world view took over while my internal monologue seemed ot come from outside of myself but it didnt persist afterwards.
Most recently at family thanksgiving 3 years ago, trying to break out of a recent bout of excessive drinking I decided to trip. It was the side of the family that knew about me getting high and Id done it before. But I hit a hot spot and what was supposed to be 200ug of ETHLAD felt greater than my experience with 300ug....
in my head I could hear them calling the ambulance, I was taken to a psychward, my hair grew long (it was already long, wtf?) and I had a swastika tattoo on my forhead, I looked like Charlie Manson... I was now insane.... a family member drove me home as I was in no state to interact with the others but was trying to anyways, once I came off the peak... It was embarassing
Well a few weeks later I ate some edibles and suddenly everything starts getting dark, my thoughts swirl into negativity and Im panicking. My breathing starts to get shallow. I had to lay down and regroup with some mindfulness.
I havent really tripped since, save for a few lighter experiences and some dissos. Ive experienced it a few times sober since then but I cna always pull myself out, when sober with some mindfulness.
A recent mushroom trip this fall got dark as I was thinking about life and how Im fucking up. But mushrooms have always been dark and could turn on me.. but talking with my trip buddy helped me get over it and all has been fine since.
IDK... Im rambling at this point.
tl;dr
Just wondering if anyone has any insight or experiences where difficult trips turn bad/literally dark and or if they have experienced that during more sober times?
To me its almost like my emotions are being overlayed/projected as my shadow seemingly takes over and not only my mindset turns negative but also my literal outlook.
IDK if this is indicative of some underlying mental health issues, asides from the anxiety/depression (thats undiagnosed)... but I have been apprehensive to trip lately, though I feel it could be seriously beneficial, as it has been in the past
PS sorry if I posted similar before, I tried to utfse (as the kids say) but couldnt figure out how to only search my posts, it listed all my comments as well.
