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Devastated by Flances actions. Don't know what to do.

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RyaneWillow2014

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 25, 2014
Messages
42
My fiancé has had a very tough life. Her father was on drugs and wasn't in her life for the first few years then here mom and dad were on and off together. He mom died when she was 12 years old and that kick off all of her problems. She began drinking heavily and using drugs very frequently. At the age of 13 she was drunk or high almost every single day. She smoked ciggerettes starting at age 12 as well. When her mom died she went to live with her father and moved 30 miles from where she was changing schools losing all of her friends. The problem became worse where she moved to bc her dads way of helping her and her sister through their mothers death was to give them whatever they asked for and let them do whatever they wanted.

She is either currently dealing with or has dealt with in the past: ADD, depression, bipolar, back pain (severe enough that she was put on Vicodin at age 12) and other psychological disorders. Somehwere throughout those years of depression she began cutting herself. She went to rehab twice once for depression and I beleive the other was for cutting. She cut everyday all the time wore long sleeves in the summer the whole 9 yards. She got pregnant and it basically gave her a new outlook on things. She stopped all with all the wild child partying and the cutting too. Her father and her do not get along very well they are both stubborn and fight all the time. It's to the point where one would think that they enjoy fighting and arguing with people.

Then she met me. We instantly became best friends and ended up liking each other even more and stsrted dating. Everything was great she wasn't depressed at all. I accepted her son as my own and have raised him like my own and her and her entire family see that and are grateful for that. Everything moved very fast after only dating for 2 months we moved in and started sharing s bank account with each other and never really looked back. Several months go by and they are a great several months no fighting we just agree on everything everything is great. (At this point she is 21 and I am 19) then we find out she's pregnant.

The pregnancy was tough to say the least. It really tested us. We fought a lot bc of her hormones and she was dealing with enough psychological problems as it is. But we made it through that and we had our baby and we became a happy little family. Everything was great again for a few weeks and we decided after she healed that she was going to have the Mirena IUD birth control put in bc we can't afford another baby. I beleive this has torn us apart.

It messed with her hormones in an ungodly way to the point you really don't even wanna be around her. Even her family agrees to this. She's not supposed to have periods on the Mirena but she's had it for 7 months and she has been on her period (or bleeding) more than she hasn't been. Like there will be maybe 3 or 4 days out of the month that she's not bleeding. So as you can imagine this completely wiped out sex life off the grid which is very difficult for a now 20 year old male like myself.

We fight a lot now. Daily usually. And after possible our biggest fight ever she locks herself in the bathroom and won't answer the door or let me in. Being aware of her past I immediatly become worried. I wasn't mad anymore I was just scared. And. I tried talking to her very calmy but couldn't get anything out of her. I tell her I was sorry and I don't want to fight anymore (even though she was the one picking the fight and the one who was most upset.) I told her we could do whatever she wanted. We could talk it out we could stay seprate places for a few days whatever she wanted. And the last thing I said before I walked away from the bathroom door was "baby i love you, please don't hurt yourself" Finally after about 20-30 min she comes out but won't say a word to me at first. She starts packing her stuff and tells me she's leaving

This really hurts me. I had just proposed to her less than a week before and we were happy for the past several weeks. She threw the ring at me and it made me very upset. I was crying. Not sobbing uncontrollably but there were tears in my eyes and it was very clear that I was very hurt and upset. But when I looked at her there was nothing. No sadness no hurting no emotion or expression at all. This was scary. After a few minuets of this I finally asked her how this isn't hurting her to tear our family apart and to see me in so much pain. And she said " I have different ways of dealing with pain other than crying" then I was very certain that she had cut herself again.

She ended up coming back late that night and the next day we pretty much made up. We said sorry and we had been getting along great all day. And while she was at work I sent her a big message saying how I love her no matter what and that I know she might not want to talk about it but I needed to know if she hurt herself. And she said she didn't want to discuss it but yes. She cut herself for the first time in 7 years. She thought it would help ease the pain since nothing else worked and it did work she said. She said she regrets it bc it's been 7 years and she promised herself she wouldn't relapse again. I love this girl very much and I can't honestly say I have never felt so crushed in my life as I was reading that message. I knew she had done it but to see it right in front of my face made it so much more real. The thought of this girl that I care so much about intentionally hurting herself and cashing herself pain bc of me is devastating.

I can't stop thinking about it and I start crying a little everytime I picture herself doing it. She could see that I was very hurt and so she told me that it wasn't bc of me it was just everything that's been going on and all the stress. But idk what to do. My heart has been torn to pieces bc of this. Someone please give me some advice on how to deal with this. I can't shake this feeling. She will be home from work soon. It has been 2 days since this happend. I love this girl with all my heart. She doesn't seem upset about it. She said it didn't make her want to fall back into it and start doing it again but I feel like she might. I think what I am going to do is ask her to watch me cut herself so I can feel the pain that she felt. And so that she knows she's not alone. Maybe it will make her realize it hurts to see someone you care about hurt themselves. I am completey lost. Someone please tell me what to do.
 
Hi, first post here and i just wanted to give my insight on what i gathered from the post. First and foremost, with all of the stuff that she has dealt with in her life, it is possible that much of that stuff isn't gone. It is, i guess you could say, in remission. She will always have a trace of it somewhere and there is a possibility that may not be all of what she has been through, just the bigger stuff. Losing a parent is tough, especially at a young age.

If she is seeing a doctor about her medical issues, check the side effects on those medications as some can cause or worsen depression and also I've heard a lot of people who have the same issues with Mirena. But mainly, just check on the medications she is taking and if there is an issue with one of the side effects and this continues, talk to the doctor and let them know that the depression or mood swings and other stuff like that is causing an issue. Having suicidal thoughts or tendencies is also a side effect for some anti-psychotics and anxiety or depression meds. It is serious and should be taken up with a doctor, he might be sore to swap the medications out. Also, check with each medication and make sure it doesn't react with others sure may be taking. Some, like opioids and benzos can cause respiratory depression and taking benzos and opioids can increase the risk. I know you didn't mention her being on any meds, but with her list of medical problems, i figured it might be likely that she is if she is seeing a doctor for any of them.

Lastly, couples fight. They have arguments. Bad ones, small ones, mediocre ones and you just gotta find some even ground and solve these arguments civilly. Out of a fit of rage, she may throw the ring back at you or you may ask for it back, but we say and do a lot of stuff we don't mean to when we are mad. She could be under a lot of stress, especially with the Mirena ordeal and menstruating for the long, it outs a hurting on the body physically, mentally and emotionally. Also, I've heard that losing as much blood as your body does with the Mirena occurrence can cause some issues health wise and cause her to become anemic and have deficiencies. I'm not a doctor or know much about that stuff, but I've heard about it from friends and weighing pros and cons when my fiancé wanted to be put on birth control.

Ultimately, the biggest and most important thing you need to do is offer her as much support and be there for her physically and emotionally, when she is ready. For whatever reason, she is going through this stuff right now and the best thing you can fo is not worry about what caused it yet, help her through it and be her rock. While you guys are working on the issue, you'll find the root cause, but she needs to get to a better emotional state prior to that first. You don't want to interrogate her about it and make her feel like she is a problem or a burden, you want her to feel loved and where she can talk to you about the issues instead of going into the bathroom and self mutilating. Most importantly, DO NOT get to the level where you cut yourself in front of her just to prove a point and show her that it hurts when someone you love does it. You have to solve the problem but that isn't the way. She may see you do it and be totally apologetic and get the point, but she may also believe that you are now her self mutilation partner and that it is okay if she does it, because you are doing it too. You need to help her in the other ways and get her help elsewhere if needed. It is more than likely the depression and stress, help her get stress free and you'll solve the problem, more than likely. Join in on the cutting and you may just prolong the problem and make it worse.

Good luck with everything and i hope she gets better and you as well. Remember be there for her. Be her rock. Be her person!
 
Another quick note, you mentioned cutting yourself in front of her for many reasons, but one stood out. So you can feel her pain. Most of the people who self mutilate for whatever reasons, don't feel any pain from it. They do it because they feel that it will remove the oain they are dealing with. You, without any of those problems she is dealing with, will feel the pain of cutting yourself. People also self mutilate to get attention.
 
I think its a nice gesture to offer to cut yourself, maybe that will show her how much you care??? but i'm thinking there are better ways to show her that you care. Obviously you are a sensitive guy, and its clear that on an emotional level you are dialed in with this girl.... heres the problem.... My experience with females is that emotionally they can be all over the place ... what I as a male experience everyday emotionally can vary , lets just say from a 1 to a 3 in intensity, while a female (in my experience) can vary AT LEAST 1-10 probably more ...

what i mean is , her mood swings are obviously completely fucking volatile due to hormones coupled with emotional problems from the past and the added stress of your current situation. Now as the male partner in this relationship and also as a new father of a family you will need to be careful about how much support you offer these emotions. If she is driving you crazy, it could be because she is geniuney having a crisis and can't help it- or she is beating you up emotionally because it helps her feel better ( i know its fucked up , but believe me women are completely capable of this sort of behavior , (so are guys!))

As the father of this family you need to set an example. you want to be emotionally sensitive and listen to your fiance... but at the same time, demonstrate a calm peaceful demeanor and refuse to respond to anything which is clearly intended to rattle you. For instance if a bully is calling you chicken, you embrace it or literally do not respond in any way and they stop bullying you because they lose interest. If your fiance is being mean spirited and aggresive than you be like a duck... A duck can get all wet , but it has special oils built into its feathers which instantly repel water... if you can be like a duck she will either A) stop the behavior you are correcting or B) complain that you are not listening to her feelings ...

also sometimes our girlfriends, wives, fiances crave male leadership... like with my parents my mother was an abusive control freak and my dad was the nicest most peaceful man on the planet... Many times my mother would bully him and emotionally abuse him and he would never respond.. occasionally if she was abusing one of us kids , my dad would finally snap... would raise his voice to a near yell (she was always screaming constantly so loud) and say
"WE WILL NOT HAVE THIS SORT OF CONTENTION IN OUR HOME! IT IS WRONG AND WE WILL NOT HAVE IT!" Normally anytime my dad even hinted at disaggreeing with my mom she would flip out, but because he was trying to save our family in this sort of moment- it was like sacred humbling silence brought on by a holy man calling us to repentence ... My mom would almost instantly switch from a controlling bitch to a loving subserviant wife... and heres the kicker, romantically they would also kick off so to speak... as in ; she wanted to be dominated in that sort of manner and even craved it. She wanted to be lead, not the leader.

Think of it, if you really love this girl, and love your family, are you willing to risk hurting her feelings or making her hate you - to save her from herself? Now I understand thats a tall order, not only because of how messed up she apparently is, but because of the fact that she seems to be the alpha in your relationship and she is older than you. Therefore I'd recommend you just take my advice in a more generally "long haul" sort of fashion.. As in, gently introduce those ideas to your relationship, not all at once. But if it comes down to it, and something is WRONG WRONG WRONG , its ok to get pissed off for the right reasons.
 
She takes adderall for the ADD and hydrocodone for the back pain. I dont think its that though bc we've she was on the medicine before the pregnancy and after so I think it's the Mirena and that's what we plan to do is remove it. When I talked about making her watch so she could see how it felt I didn't necessarily mean I want her to hurt for making me hurt. More so her watch bc I've never done anything like that and actually I'm terrified of sharp things and blood so idk if I could actually go trough with it or if I did I would be afraid of cutting to deep and hurting myself badly or somthing. She could be there to kinds show me how I guess? We've talked about it she doesn't want me to do it she wants me to help her find other ways to help her cope with things. But really she just sounded like she was trying to be my mom bc she said she didn't want scars all over my perfect body. I just wanted her to know she doesn't have to face anything alone and any pain she has she can share it with me and we can go through it together.
 
Cutting is more common in women than men.

As far as my experience with it. I used to self mutilate (ie cutting, burning). The reason behind it is usually one of two things.

The first is a cry for help. These are usually done in a visible place and the person tells other people. These people either want attention or someone to help them emotionally.

The second would be where someone would do it so they can feel that and not what is going on in their life. The endorphins caused by it ease some suffering. The pain takes the person away from the emotional pain and they feel just the physical pain. In cases like that it is usually hidden. The other thing is that it usually escalates.

I haven't cut myself in almost ten years now. I never told many people. I am not ashamed of it, but I don't want the whole pity party that comes along with it, that other people seem to crave.

I have been on and off again involved with a woman who was a cutter. Every once in a while I notice a new scar. Seeing as how are relationship is rather casual and on and off, it isn't my place to get involved with it. We used to date in the past. I suppose at that time we both were actively engaging in self harm. I remember one time she wanted us to cut each other. That didn't happen as I felt it was a bad enough habit on its own.

The thing about it is, you won't get better if you use this type of thing to cope with your problems. The fact your gf only did it once shouldn't be a big deal, but if she continues to do it, well that is not good. There is no way you made her cut herself and I could give a fuck less what someone diagnosed her with, as should you unless it is borderline or bipolar as than you can expect many problems in your relationship.

Don't beat yourself up over her doing something to herself. It really is not your problem. Just tell her you do not want her to do it because you care about her. That is the truth, right? You don't want her doing it I assume? The last thing you want to do is cut yourself to somehow emphasize. That is just telling her that it is OK to cut herself.

Anyways it is best not to get involved with someone who has problems they can't fix on their own. It is good to be there for people you care about but still you got to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else. So often people seek relationships as the answer to their problems. That is really a temporary fix and rather unfair to the other person.

So I suggest take a moment and look at your relationship realistically. If she has her shit together and relapsed once into a bad habit, it is not the end of the world. But if she is emotionally dependent on you, you might want to consider if this is really what you want. You might be happy that way, but then again I wouldn't really want that.

I can't tell you what you want, but I suggest looking at things realistically and not gravitating into her bad habit yourself. Cutting is bad news but I suppose the pain feels better than whatever the person was feeling at the time. It is just like drug use but with some rather nasty consequences.

People have all sorts of tick and impulses (nail biting, smoking, cutting, drug use, drinking, counting in their head, etc.). These are all coping mechanisms. When someone resorts to an unhealthy coping mechanism that is not good but than again it depends on the severity. Things like risky behavior, gambling, drug binges, cheating, eccesive drinking also fall under that category.

I guess just let her know you care about her regardless of the long term decision you make. Just keep a healthy perspective and don't come down too hard on her as it will just make things work. You can put yourself in her shoes for a moment without cutting yourself. Just open communication as well as take some time to think.

She might be a great woman and highly compatible with you for all I know. But you still can't let yourself be deluded. The expression love is blind is rather true.
 
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