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Depression Depressed for too long.

DesertHarp

Bluelighter
Joined
May 25, 2022
Messages
271
I've been depressed on and off, since November. That's nothing new in my life, but this time is bad.

One thing that helps is taking a few extra of my Vicodin tablets (hydrocodone.) I've done that over the past couple of weeks, just now and then.

Here's my problem. Today is awful bad. I have to stretch out what I have left, so I don't face withdrawal, while waiting to get a refill. So I don't want to take more than the one tablet I already took today. But I feel so lousy, I desperately want to ease this state of mind. But I have to choose between feeling bad now or feeling miserable next week. It seems like trying to ration water to myself, while dying of thirst.

One of these days, I may crack up and just eat all the tablets. I'm supposed to see a psychologist in a few days. I don't know what the heck I'm going to tell this guy. Prior to Nov. I was doing good for about two months. Then my mental state went south. Still, I managed to make it through the holidays. By Feb. I was feeling so crummy I asked my primary doctor to refer me for some psych help. So he got me this referral to this PhD. On my own, I found a therapist, whom I saw yesterday for the 3rd time. After I meet with her, I just feel worse.

To try and spare the Vicodin, I just ate a cannabis gummy instead. I doubt it's going to help. I get no mood lift from cannabis. (It's quite good at helping me sleep at night, but that's all it does for me . . . along with making my mouth feel dry and sore some hours later.) I have plenty of booze in the house, but I'm not interested in it. I have kratom, but it didn't help when I tried it a few months ago. All I want is a couple of Vicodin right now.

This has gone on too long. I'm stuck in a quagmire. I don't know how I'm going to turn things around. I keep failing, and I can't go on like this. All professionals care about is "Are u suicidal?" I can't make anyone understand how awful this feels. (Though I'm sure there are blue lighters who've been where I'm at and even been worse off.) Mental health professionals talk about how staying "safe" is the most important thing. No it's not. Getting out of misery is what is most important to me.
 
I feel for you, I know about depression from my own life. Awhile back I was severely depressed, went to see therapists to talk about my problems but I didn't really connect with any of them and only went to each 2-3 times then gave up.

I did see a psyc Dr. and liked her, I felt comfortable opening up and telling her my issues, she suggested a few meds that actually helped.

Currently I'm dealing with depression and I know the cause of it, me. My dumb choices in life landed me where I am right now and its really getting to me. I have to keep reminding myself about all the good things I have, and not dwell on the negative. I have a Dr now that I just blabber on and on to, I just tell her everything and it actually feels good to let it all out to someone. I live alone and sometimes feel like I'm going crazy not really having anyone to talk to.

I find Kratom helps with withdrawals.
 
You need basic stuff like….

Vit B50 Complex
Zinc
Fish oil Omega 3
Vit D3 …..all these with tall glass of water with healthy dinner

Cardiovascular exercise is a potent natural antidepressant…..metabolites of Phenylethylamine (bodies natural Amphetamines) were found in high concentrations in study participants urine samples after 45min of vigorous exercise

Sunshine, laughter, friends & family, and a well balanced diet of healthy food, lots of water

Get you T levels checked ….I self admin depo-testosterone 200mg IM and it’s paramount to mental, emotion, physical, sexual well being ….a VERY potent antidepressant. If low, you can get a script

oral Oxycodone 5-10mg
oral Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10-20mg

2 days after 200mg IM Testosterone and you’d be shinning like a star. Happy inside your soul, comfort, pleasure, confidence, social butterfly……would put MDMA to shame this combo

the combination and choices are endless….SSRI’s ? ….ehhhhh, Noooooo

LSD - 100ug standard dose or even cut tab in half…..Potent antidepressant, euphoriant, spiritual / mental / emotional cleansing …..like a therapy session

Ketamine is also very useful in PTSD and antidepressant therapy
Alprazolam (XANAX) is a potent anxiolytic & antidepressant benzodiazepine
 
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I feel for you, I know about depression from my own life. Awhile back I was severely depressed, went to see therapists to talk about my problems but I didn't really connect with any of them and only went to each 2-3 times then gave up.

I did see a psyc Dr. and liked her, I felt comfortable opening up and telling her my issues, she suggested a few meds that actually helped.

Currently I'm dealing with depression and I know the cause of it, me. My dumb choices in life landed me where I am right now and its really getting to me. I have to keep reminding myself about all the good things I have, and not dwell on the negative. I have a Dr now that I just blabber on and on to, I just tell her everything and it actually feels good to let it all out to someone. I live alone and sometimes feel like I'm going crazy not really having anyone to talk to.

I find Kratom helps with withdrawals.

It sounds like you know about depression. I live alone, which I am finding extremely hard right now. I have experience with being alone in the past. I learned to cope with it.

My boyfriend died in 2020, which was very hard to recover from for a few months. But I did recover from the grief. From late 2020 to early 2022, I was doing pretty good. I fell apart in mid-2023. I want to go back to how good I was doing in 2021. I'm getting real afraid that I'm never going to be that okay again. It's like I just found out I have a terminal illness, and it will just keep getting worse, until I finally die.

I want something to numb me.
 
You need basic stuff like….

Vit B50 Complex
Zinc
Fish oil Omega 3
Vit D3 …..all these with tall glass of water with healthy dinner

Cardiovascular exercise is a potent natural antidepressant…..metabolites of Phenylethylamine (bodies natural Amphetamines) were found in high concentrations in study participants after 45min of vigorous exercise

Sunshine, laughter, friends & family, and a well balanced diet of healthy food, lots of water

Get you T levels checked ….I self admin depo-testosterone 200mg IM and it’s paramount to mental, emotion, physical, sexual well being ….a VERY potent antidepressant. If low, you can get a script

oral Oxycodone 5-10mg
oral Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10-20mg

2 days after 200mg IM Testosterone and you’d be shinning like a star. Happy inside your soul, comfort, pleasure, confidence, social butterfly……would put MDMA to shame this combo

the combination and choices are endless….SSRI’s ? ….ehhhhh, Noooooo

LSD - 100ug standard dose or even cut tab in half…..Potent antidepressant, euphoriant, spiritual / mental / emotional cleansing …..like a therapy session

Ketamine is also very useful in PTSD and antidepressant therapy
Alprazolam (XANAX) is a potent anxiolytic & antidepressant benzodiazepine

I'm already taking each of the supplements you list. I order the highest quality online of each vitamin and mineral. Plus I rotate amongst various omega 3 supplements. Plus I take an eye health supplement and probiotics.

I desperately need to move around and get exercise. I can't even get up and get dressed.

I have no friends or family anywhere near. That would help a lot.

I take hydrocodone (Vicodin). Years ago, I found that hydroc. 20 mg plus Ritalin 40 mg would take a lot of the edge off this depressive distress. I no longer have the Ritalin. I been using up my Vicodin too fast and need to ration it.

Your other suggestions look pretty interesting. I'm not sure I can access those things. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'd like to try Ketamine. I know it's supposed to be wrong to look for quick fixes, but I need something fast. My sanity is just hemmorrhaging right out of me. I need a pressure bandage on the mind right away. I'm really afraid. I got so afraid, I asked for help. Now I'm fearful that it's going to backfire and make me worse.
 
A dopaminergic stimulant is VERY helpful for your situation…..google Ritalin ads from the 60’s , new and effective antidepressant Ritalin renews vigour and zest for living. Safer then the Amphetamines, Ritalin has very little to no effect on HR or BP and is safe enough for children

You should ask your current doc to explore Ritalin 20mg. X 3-4 daily or a Ritalin XR capsule as it helped you greatly while on it, and you’ve noticed a lack of vigilance, focus, easily side tracked and impulsiveness is becoming a problem effecting your life.

you should be able to get a script….if doc is hesitant, ask to start at a low dose to see if you notice benefits, you can always gradually increase later
 
You need basic stuff like….

Vit B50 Complex
Zinc
Fish oil Omega 3
Vit D3 …..all these with tall glass of water with healthy dinner

Cardiovascular exercise is a potent natural antidepressant…..metabolites of Phenylethylamine (bodies natural Amphetamines) were found in high concentrations in study participants after 45min of vigorous exercise

Sunshine, laughter, friends & family, and a well balanced diet of healthy food, lots of water

Get you T levels checked ….I self admin depo-testosterone 200mg IM and it’s paramount to mental, emotion, physical, sexual well being ….a VERY potent antidepressant. If low, you can get a script

oral Oxycodone 5-10mg
oral Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10-20mg

2 days after 200mg IM Testosterone and you’d be shinning like a star. Happy inside your soul, comfort, pleasure, confidence, social butterfly……would put MDMA to shame this combo

the combination and choices are endless….SSRI’s ? ….ehhhhh, Noooooo

LSD - 100ug standard dose or even cut tab in half…..Potent antidepressant, euphoriant, spiritual / mental / emotional cleansing …..like a therapy session

Ketamine is also very useful in PTSD and antidepressant therapy
Alprazolam (XANAX) is a potent anxiolytic & antidepressant benzodiazepine
Does a woman( Desert Harp) really need testosterone? She isn't depressed about being a woman. Also, the older you get it is harder to make decent friends. When you have no one( friends and family closeby) that add to it. Depression, and talking about to some stranger, you don't know and is only there for the money can be also be depressing to some.
Also states, particularly many scared doctors are stingy with pills since illegal fentanyl became a problem.
Depending on the doctor and the state, you will get nothing controlled. Xanax is a drug hard to get. Oxycodone( which I am on for chronic pancreatitus and other pain is schedule 2 and so is ritalin). This ain't the nineties when you could ask and they very well might give it too you.
It is so hard to exercise depressed when you have sadness, that will not leave you alone.
Also, not all lsd trips are good. Xanax is addictive and two or more addictive controlled substances might make things worse things worse for her.
 
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A dopaminergic stimulant is VERY helpful for your situation…..google Ritalin ads from the 60’s , new and effective antidepressant Ritalin renews vigour and zest for living. Safer then the Amphetamines, Ritalin has very little to no effect on HR or BP and is safe enough for children

You should ask your current doc to explore Ritalin 20mg. X 3-4 daily or a Ritalin XR capsule as it helped you greatly while on it, and you’ve noticed a lack of vigilance, focus, easily side tracked and impulsiveness is becoming a problem effecting your life.

you should be able to get a script….if doc is hesitant, ask to start at a low dose to see if you notice benefits, you can always gradually increase later

Thanks for that suggestion. It might help, so worth a try. I doubt that my primary care doctor would order Ritalin for me. He might tell me I have to see a psychiatrist for that, which I would be willing to do. I should be seeing a psychiatrist. I should be open to trying other psych meds.
 
Does a woman( Desert Harp) really need testosterone? She isn't depressed about being a woman. Also, the older you get it is harder to make decent friends. When you have no one( friends and family closeby) that add to it. Depression, and talking about to some stranger, you don't know and is only there for the money can be also be depressing to some.
Also states, particularly many scared doctors are stingy with pills since illegal fentanyl became a problem.
Depending on the doctor and the state, you will get nothing controlled. Xanax is a drug hard to get. Oxycodone( which I am on for chronic pancreatitus and other pain is schedule 2 and so is ritalin). This ain't the nineties when you could ask and they very well might give it too you.
It is so hard to exercise depressed when you have sadness, that will not leave you alone.
Also, not all lsd trips are good. Xanax is addictive and two or more addictive controlled substances might make things worse things worse for her.

Thank you for understanding a lot about my predicament. It helps for someone to appreciate how hard it can be to get needed support. If I were doing all the positive things I should be doing - like exercising - then I wouldn't be depressed.

The doctors don't like to order a benzo for someone already taking an opioid. The Feds frown on that. I take hydrocodone. (Just 60 tablets per month.) Being depressed makes me feel more stiff and sore. I keep wishing I had more hydrocodone. As you say, doctors have gotten more reluctant to prescribe controlled substances. They're scared of getting in trouble. I remember when people were still able to get barbiturate sleeping pills, like Seconal. Times change, and the pendulum swings.
 
Actually testosterone is amazingly effective for female depression, especially depression associated with perimenopause.

I've heard that testosterone is prescribed to women. I'd be willing to bite the heads off of snakes, if I thought it would ease up this depression.
 
I was just recently prescribed Gabapentin and Wellbutrin. It hasn't been a full week on the Wellbutrin yet, sometimes i think its not working at all then sometimes I think it may be working because I'm not focusing/dwelling on a specific thing that is REALLY depressing me. I was prescribed the Gabapentin to help with rls from withdrawals but I noticed when I take it I feel, I don't want to say happier but its more like I'm not so sad and I'm able to feel normal. Kratom seems to help me with energy/motivation, I take capsules since I cant stand the taste of it. 2g actually seems to work great, dosed 4-5 times a day.

Im an addict so im trying to stay away from controlled/hard drugs. Though I read that Gabapentin can/may be abused.

I wouldn't take steroids if I was a woman unless Dr. prescribed after having the proper tests done. I know women that have taken steroids and the side effects, hair loss for one, are not good and usually permanent. Safer alternative may be DHEA pills which may help with mood and depression.

You mention wanting to go back to 2021 and I can relate except my mind is going back 20yrs ago, I cant stop thinking about a girl I was with back then and thinking how much better my life would be right now if I just stayed with her. I don't know where its coming from, it happened 20yrs ago and I moved on and was totally fine. Then about 4 weeks ago it just started popping up in my head and I cant stop thinking about it. I would start crying about it, my heart would hurt like that feeling when you just break up with someone. Its crazy and not healthy I know. This is why I asked my Dr for the Wellbutrin. Im not sure if its the Wellbutrin, the Gabapentin, or just time passing but the sad thoughts arent as bad now.

like I said I live alone and don't really have to leave the house since I work online. I find just getting out, going to the post office to mail something, talking to a neighbor that happens to be outside, going shopping etc really elevates my mood.

Even just looking thru this website reading other peoples stories gives me hope and motivation.
 
I was just recently prescribed Gabapentin and Wellbutrin. It hasn't been a full week on the Wellbutrin yet, sometimes i think its not working at all then sometimes I think it may be working because I'm not focusing/dwelling on a specific thing that is REALLY depressing me. I was prescribed the Gabapentin to help with rls from withdrawals but I noticed when I take it I feel, I don't want to say happier but its more like I'm not so sad and I'm able to feel normal. Kratom seems to help me with energy/motivation, I take capsules since I cant stand the taste of it. 2g actually seems to work great, dosed 4-5 times a day.

Im an addict so im trying to stay away from controlled/hard drugs. Though I read that Gabapentin can/may be abused.

I wouldn't take steroids if I was a woman unless Dr. prescribed after having the proper tests done. I know women that have taken steroids and the side effects, hair loss for one, are not good and usually permanent. Safer alternative may be DHEA pills which may help with mood and depression.

You mention wanting to go back to 2021 and I can relate except my mind is going back 20yrs ago, I cant stop thinking about a girl I was with back then and thinking how much better my life would be right now if I just stayed with her. I don't know where its coming from, it happened 20yrs ago and I moved on and was totally fine. Then about 4 weeks ago it just started popping up in my head and I cant stop thinking about it. I would start crying about it, my heart would hurt like that feeling when you just break up with someone. Its crazy and not healthy I know. This is why I asked my Dr for the Wellbutrin. Im not sure if its the Wellbutrin, the Gabapentin, or just time passing but the sad thoughts arent as bad now.

like I said I live alone and don't really have to leave the house since I work online. I find just getting out, going to the post office to mail something, talking to a neighbor that happens to be outside, going shopping etc really elevates my mood.

Even just looking thru this website reading other peoples stories gives me hope and motivation.

Getting out of the house does help. Yesterday, even that was beyond me.

Years ago I was on gabapentin. It made me want to eat a lot.
 
I've heard that testosterone is prescribed to women. I'd be willing to bite the heads off of snakes, if I thought it would ease up this depression.
I was on Ativan which is a short acting benzo 2mg 3times a day, until after 7 + years and realized how hard it would be to taper off. So it's 10mg Valium, which are weaker but easier to get off, of. But I got on a lot of meds because of cirrhosis of the liver. They gave me a year to live in December of 2015, without a transplant, I said screw it, I was hospitalized for 2to3 weeks and on Medicaid at the time. The doctors had me on morphine, oxycodone and ativan( lorazepam), I don't think they expected me to live to see 2017. I got rid of the morphine and the damn( excuse my crude language) state lowered further what I can be prescribed. I should be dying and the oxycodone 10mg and the oxycodone I take should be more, my doctor agrees but is scared to write above their new guidelines, and the Valium and gabapentin. And 3 or so other non schedule drugs.
Maybe you are like my late little sister and like hydrocodone but she tried oxycodone somewhere and absolutely hated it. Most love, some hate it. Most doctors will not prescibe it, but I can't have anything with acetaminophen and they make Oxycodone, and morphine without it. Luckily my pain in my pancreas which was screwed up also from drinking, doesn't hurt nearly as bad, so I stopped the morphine and couldn't get more oxycodone, besides the one extra he gave me, state's new even worse guidelines. But I hear liver failure is a painful death and if I can't get pain relief if things go bad, I try to not think of the options. But you remember barbiturates. I always, since a teenager wondered about them, whatever black beauties( the drug, I think it is an upper)and quaaludes.
The high school I graduated from and the 2 others; but I graduated from a high school in the 1990's and we saw film strips and films, 16mm films, all from the 70's and a couple possibly from the 60's. It was funny because this is when extasy became popular and heroin came back. They were warning against pot, ludes( quaaludes, popular in the 70's banned and gone in the 80's), along with reds and black beauties? Oh well, but I digress. Maybe exercising, like walking might help some. But depression is hard to cure, especially when anti-depressants always have side effects, like suicide. That to me that is more than a side effect. Yeah he was taking his anti- depressants and hung himself; that is more than a side effect. They teach med school students now not to prescribe narcotics which is nonsense, especially if you have a bad liver, I do, NSAIDS never worked except for Advil for sore throats. The narcotics are not as bad for your liver as NSAIDS. So I guess I will be arguing if my doctor retires; with another doctor. My doctor admitted he would prescribe a higher dose if he could. But at least the Valium acts as a muscle relaxer more than an anti anxiety medication, my body isn't stiff and sore, but it will take a year or more if I wanted off benzos, which I have taken way too long. Benzos are a bad idea for long term use, wish I would have been told. However, I don't think there is a magic cure for depression, but healthy eating( yuck) and exercise might help but I don't think any pills can help, but maybe short term, but with addiction issues. All the different anti- depressants are too confusing. Well good luck.
 
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I was on Ativan which is a short acting benzo 2mg 3times a day, until after 7 + years and realized how hard it would be to taper off. So it's 10mg Valium, which are weaker but easier to get off, of. But I got on a lot of meds because of cirrhosis of the liver. They gave me a year to live in December of 2015, without a transplant, I said screw it, I was hospitalized for 2to3 weeks and on Medicaid at the time. The doctors had me on morphine, oxycodone and ativan( lorazepam), I don't think they expected me to live to see 2017. I got rid of the morphine and the damn( excuse my crude language) state lowered further what I can be prescribed. I should be dying and the oxycodone 10mg and the oxycodone I take should be more, my doctor agrees but is scared to write above their new guidelines, and the Valium and gabapentin. And 3 or so other non schedule drugs.
Maybe you are like my late little sister and like hydrocodone but she tried oxycodone somewhere and absolutely hated it. Most love, some hate it. Most doctors will not prescibe it, but I can't have anything with acetaminophen and they make Oxycodone, and morphine without it. Luckily my pain in my pancreas which was screwed up also from drinking, doesn't hurt nearly as bad, so I stopped the morphine and couldn't get more oxycodone, besides the one extra he gave me, state's new even worse guidelines. But I hear liver failure is a painful death and if I can't get pain relief if things go bad, I try to not think of the options. But you remember barbiturates. I always, since a teenager wondered about them, whatever black beauties( the drug, I think it is an upper)and quaaludes.
The high school I graduated from and the 2 others; but I graduated from a high school in the 1990's and we saw film strips and films, 16mm films, all from the 70's and a couple possibly from the 60's. It was funny because this is when extasy became popular and heroin came back. They were warning against pot, ludes( quaaludes, popular in the 70's banned and gone in the 80's), along with reds and black beauties? Oh well, but I digress. Maybe exercising, like walking might help some. But depression is hard to cure, especially when anti-depressants always have side effects, like suicide. That to me that is more than a side effect. Yeah he was taking his anti- depressants and hung himself; that is more than a side effect. They teach med school students now not to prescribe narcotics which is nonsense, especially if you have a bad liver, I do, NSAIDS never worked except for Advil for sore throats. The narcotics are not as bad for your liver as NSAIDS. So I guess I will be arguing if my doctor retires; with another doctor. My doctor admitted he would prescribe a higher dose if he could. But at least the Valium acts as a muscle relaxer more than an anti anxiety medication, my body isn't stiff and sore, but it will take a year or more if I wanted off benzos, which I have taken way too long. Benzos are a bad idea for long term use, wish I would have been told. However, I don't think there is a magic cure for depression, but healthy eating( yuck) and exercise might help but I don't think any pills can help, but maybe short term, but with addiction issues. All the different anti- depressants are too confusing. Well good luck.

Thank you for your post. You sure have a tough situation to manage. You sound less defeated than I feel. That's inspiring. It is a shame that doctors can't feel freer to use their best judgement in prescribing. Instead they are running scared.

I was on a prescription NSAID (Indocin/indomethacin) for arthritis in my spine. The stuff was great! After a while on it, I felt 15 years younger. It was way better than the hydrocodone. Then I ended up hospitalized with bleeding ulcers and diverticulitis. NSAIDS, as you probably know, strip away the protective layer of mucus that lines your GI tract. I called an ambulance when I got too weak to walk any distance. At the ER, they said I had lost 1/3rd of my red blood cells. (Never ignore black poop.) I had to get blood transfusions, followed by I/V iron infusions. So they told me to never take an NSAID again.

Opioids are actually quite benign in how they affect the body, as long as you don't suppress your respiratory drive. Tylenol is poison, which is why I get the Vicodin with the lowest ratio of acetaminophen to hydrocodone.

2 mg of Ativan 3Xday is a hefty dose. It's hard to get that much. I used to be dependent on Librium (chlordiazepoxide.) Kicking a benzo is not fun, and I was only taking 20 mg a day. Actually, I went from that to Restoril, another benzo. Then I got told that I could have either the opioid or the benzo, but not both. So I picked the Vicodin.

I think a benzo short-term would help me right now, but I recognize the danger that I might never want to give it up. I don't want another drug dependency. I also would be afraid to move on up to oxycodone, though I like that it is available without Tylenol. It tends to invite more scrutiny than the hydros. I really don't even have pain bad enough to warrant 60 Vicodin tablets every month. I take it because it improves my general sense of well-being.

Congratulations on out-surviving your prognosis. I hope you can have an extended period of managing with some quality of life. If things get bad-painwise, "hospice" is an option that might give you a more liberal supply of opioids, plus benzos. They are very quick to hand out morphine and Ativan. But just beware of those hospice people. Hospice is kind of a racket. They try to stop you from ever going to the ER. Once you are categorized as terminally ill, the hospitals don't want you to darken their door. They'll say, "We can't do anything more for you." - even when that is not true.

Here's another thing they keep secret. For intractable pain, you can be offered palliative care, along the lines of hospice, while being a patient inside a hospital. They try to reserve that option for the most tragic of cases - like a young trauma victim with multiple amputations and little life expectancy. You gotta stick up for yourself, which is hard to do when you're real sick. I hate to undermine anyone's faith in our medical system, but you need to understand that the system has an agenda that is not all about what's good for you. It's about money. The system is highly pressured to spend less money on people at the end of life. That's an understandable goal, since America is being bankrupted by our expensive healthcare system. But you have the right to look out for you. Never assume that doctors are divulging all your options. You have to lean on them. It felt like horse-trading when I negotiated an additional unit of blood that they didn't want to give me. What a difference it made! Thank you for wishing me well, and I wish you the best in getting the care you need.
 
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I've heard that testosterone is prescribed to women. I'd be willing to bite the heads off of snakes, if I thought it would ease up this depression.
Just talk to your doctor. I mean it's a very tiny amount that women need compared to men. But if you go online and read some of the testimonials, apparently it's like night and day.
 
@DesertHarp mixing benzos and depression is a recipe for suicide.

Apparently it's such a thing, that when I was on a significant dose of benzos for alcohol withdrawal, they made me get on an antidepressant. Cymbalta is the devil. I stopped taking that bullshit after about a month and the discontinuation syndrome was horrible.
 
Just talk to your doctor. I mean it's a very tiny amount that women need compared to men. But if you go online and read some of the testimonials, apparently it's like night and day.

Thanks. I did go online and checked out some articles and some videos. I did not know all this stuff about testosterone. Very interesting. Now I would be interested in trying it.
 
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